Author's Note: This story came (somewhat) from the April 25th prompt at Hogwarts online. The required quote appears in bold.
Warning, there is very little sanity contained in this piece. The title suits. The original idea was a bit more sane, but it just morphed this way. You're welcome?
"Her condition is quite serious," Professor McGonagall stated, looking over the group gathered in the staff room. Most of the teachers were present for the meeting. Dumbledore, of course, was off for his weekly pedicure. Snape was gone as well, probably watching Albus get his feet tended to. Or waiting to collect the nail clippings, Minerva couldn't be sure. What she was sure of, and this was important, was that the new American transfer student was going to be a handful and Hogwarts would need the full vigilance and support of all its staff if they were to handle the situation with the dignity and decorum befitting a first-class Wizarding school. She told the other professors as much.
"It sounds like all she needs is a good cuppa tea to start 'er day," Hagrid said. "Prob'ly never had a decent one in California." Looking around, Minerva saw that several members of the staff agreed with him.
Idiots, she thought.
"I'm sure her parents thought of this when she was younger," Minerva said. "I believe narcolepsy is an illness that requires more than a—" silly "—simplistic approach."
"We could assign someone to watch the girl daily, follow her from class to class." Professor Sinistra smiled as her suggestion began to take root in her mind. "I'm sure we could modify her schedule to match exactly with another student."
"As long as it's not me," Madam Pomfrey stated. "I've got enough to deal with teaching those overly friendly Gryffindors how to brew their own contraceptive potions. Severus should be dealing with that mess." She glanced around the room. "Speaking of everyone's favorite ray of sunshine, why isn't he here?"
Minerva opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted.
"He's off at a special hospital in America." Every head in the room turned to Professor Slughorn, who was normally quiet during these meetings. "He's having a...procedure done."
"A procedure?" Minerva asked. She frowned. "Why wasn't I informed of this?"
Horace shrugged. "He didn't feel it was necessary to tell you. I suppose there's no harm in it now. He's gone to...become a woman."
Professor Flitwick snorted. His glasses fell from his face as he doubled over in laughter. "I...oh, dear. I thought he'd plain decided to ignore our little wager, but he actually..." Filius continued to laugh, growing louder as he thought over the mysterious reason for Snape's decision.
Rolling her eyes, Minerva hit him with a Silencing Charm until he calmed himself and began breathing normally. She lifted the charm and gestured with one hand for him to speak.
Filius nodded. "We were playing poker a few weeks ago and the betting got a bit steep towards the end. All our year's wages were on the table, plus his house in Spinner's End and mine in Holyhead. Then, he wagered that I'd spend a week as Dumbledore's personal—" Filius stopped, realizing no one wanted to hear this information. "Anyway, I bet that he'd have to become a woman. The Muggle way, not just with a spell that would wear off. He's going to be this way for the entire school year."
"Right," Minerva said. "We'll deal with whatever...issues that may arise from that when the time comes. The sorting is tomorrow. I suggest you all get some rest." She nodded at Professor Sinistra. "I'll take your suggestion into consideration. I'll see you all in the morning." With that, she turned and left the staff room. If she hurried, she could buy a few bottles of firewhiskey before The Three Broomsticks closed. She had a feeling she'd need more than one stiff drink to get through the first week of school.
This was an unusual circumstance. She was used to the Sorting Hat adopting strange behavior—talking nonstop about Harry Potter for a week immediately came to mind. Minerva never thought she'd see the day when the thing would fall completely silent. Well, no, that wasn't quite right. It had laughed when it was first placed on the American girl's head. Then it was silent. It had swerved to face the Head Table as if expecting Professor McGonagall to do something. Likewise, the eyes of everyone else in the room did the same, including Dumbledore, who ought to have been able to control the thing. After a moment, she did the only thing she could do. She pointed to the hat and forced it to choose a house.
"Gryffindor," it squeaked. Small tendrils of smoke began to waft from under the brim.
Minerva rushed forward to grab the hat before it set the girl's head on fire. So, this is what happens when the thing is overwhelmed. Good thing we only use it once a year. Minerva just had to find out why the hat was behaving strangely for this student in particular. She knew the reason it had gone all wonky over young Mr. Potter—if he was anything like his father, Harry's sixth year was going to be full of surprises—but it had not acted this way for any other student in memory. As she watched the new student walk over to the Gryffindor table and young Miss Weasley immediately stop kissing Dean Thomas to stare at her, Minerva knew one thing for certain: she was not getting paid enough to do this job.
"I want her gone!"
Minerva blinked hard. With a wave of her wand, her office was soundproof. Or perhaps not, given the student's volume. It was just as well. The Weasley girl looked as if she might continue for quite a while.
"She...she..." Ginny gave one large, sad sniff before returning to her angry expression. "I heard she passed out in class and Harry insisted on carrying her to the Hospital Wing."
"To be fair, she has a medical conditi—"
"And," Ginny screamed as she continued, "he tried to kiss her while she was asleep. Madam Pomfrey had to pull Harry off of her."
And Ron Weasley. And Ginny's boyfriend, Dean. Funny. She didn't appear to be concerned about the behavior of either of those boys. At any rate, the compulsion to kiss her was to be expected. The girl's parents had warned of it. And the other strange things. Like not letting her prick her finger, which had led to the unfortunate instant deep sleep. (That was something to do with her great great great great grandmother, rumored to be Sleeping Beauty.) Not to mention a number of creatures from the forest taking up vigil at the girl's bedside. And a couple of princes sending owls asking if they could make an appointment to attempt to kiss the girl awake. It was all strange, but to be expected. She told Ginny as much.
"And you let her come here anyway? Even though that makes her competition?" Ginny screeched. "Don't you know every boy at Hogwarts will fall in love and marry the second girl he kisses? I've prided myself on being many boys first kiss so their girlfriends in sixth and seventh year could claim the one that would ensure a perfect union. My classmates expect it of me. I've made enough money to buy the hair products that keep me looking so perfect," she said, swinging the glorious, shiny red mane that had become the envy of every girl fourth year and above. "Do you know what this would do to my bottom line?" she asked in a low voice.
"Look. If you get rid of her, I'll bring you in for a cut. I'm going to get Harry's second kiss. After we're married, I'll have access to his vault. His godfather's fortune alone is worth what you've made the entire time you've been teaching here and I know he won't miss it."
At this point, Ginny smiled. The gesture was so foreign, the muscles in her cheeks squeaked.
"Please?" she added.
Minerva sighed. Why was nothing in this school normal? The last boring school year she could recall was her own first year, when the most exciting thing that happened was Dumbledore's beard catching fire during the O.W.L.s. The next year, Tom Riddle, Jr. came to Hogwarts. Enough said.
"I'll see what I can do, Miss Weasley, though I very much doubt I'll be able to evict a student from Hogwarts just on your say-so."
Ginny smiled again, a little less forced this time. "When I'm the future Minister's wife, I pray you don't regret speaking to me in that tone." With that, Ginny turned on her heel and flounced out of the office, a great deal less tense than when she'd entered.
Several minutes later, Minerva found herself in the Great Hall for lunch. There were murmurings all around. Severus had finally returned, and not a minute too soon. Half his classes were already done for the day. It took several moments of searching before she finally located him. It was a wonder she hadn't spotted him sooner. The Slytherin students had him surrounded; they were kissing his feet and hands as he passed out their class schedules—and probably a list of the essays they'd be assigned. When he was done, he made his way to the High Table.
Minerva stood as he came around the table. Finally, she thought, I can see what he's done to himself. She scanned Severus quickly. "I'm surprised. I thought sure you'd alter your face and chest area to match." She smiled.
"He told you?" Severus turned and aimed a Reducto Curse at Professor Flitwick, who was just coming to his seat. Flitwick screamed. The spell missed and hit Professor Sprout in the knee, severing the bottom half of her right leg. Before Sprout could retaliate, Minerva sent a Stunning Spell, knocking her unconscious.
"No, it was Professor Slughorn," she said, continuing as if nothing had happened. "He apparently thought the changes would be noticeable to all of us and thought to warn us. Albus only forgot to mention it during his address after the Sorting because of that tiresome senility." At least, she'd assumed he was going senile. The man had later mumbled something about a goat waiting to be shown "the right way to do it" and ran off as soon as the meal began. No one saw him again until breakfast.
"Well, of course I wouldn't do something anyone would notice," Severus said. His voice held more than a hint of indignation. "I'm far too sexy as I am to change anything anyone can see. I just have to keep this..." He frowned and gestured to the area below his waist. "I just have to keep it until the school year is over. Then I can get my proper tool restored."
"Bigger than before, I'd wager," Dumbledore said as he walked up to the pair.
"Now why would he do that?" Slughorn asked, joining the conversation as he approached from the other side. Gingerly, he stepped over Professor Sprout's body and sat next to Severus's seat. "It took all the physical strength he had carrying the first around."
Hearing this, Madam Pomfrey became violently ill. She ran from the Great Hall, knocking down several students on the way.
"Now, that's why I'm glad to be a wizard," Severus said. "No normal human could handle being this devastatingly handsome with my body and the kind of voice that could melt knickers at fifty meters. They'd go mad from having too many offers for sex." As if to illustrate this, Severus winked at the Gryffindor table. Hermione Granger began to hyperventilate and crossed her legs; she was blushing to the roots of her hair. "That's why I have to be mean to the students. Otherwise, I'd have more paternity suits than Weasleys have freckles."
"That still doesn't explain why you only got the bottom half done," Minerva said. Not that she cared. Except that she totally did.
"Well, I didn't lose every bet to Flitwick." Severus smiled. Across the room, Padma Patil could be heard moaning. "Once a month he has to use his Animagus form to seduce random wizards. I'm not sure, but I think it's a goat."
That explains far too much, Minerva thought.
"So, does it feel strange?" Slughorn asked. "I mean, have you had occassion to play with it or...?"
"Of course I've played with it," Severus said. "What do you think I did on the plane ride over? Unfortunate that America is too far too Apparate." He glanced at Dumbledore. "By the way, sorry I'm late. Did I miss much?"
Before either the Headmaster or Minerva could answer, there was a loud bang and a yell from the Entrance Hall. Several of the portraits in the hall could be heard loudly chattering. When none of the other professors moved, McGonagall ran towards the noise.
There were several men in the hall. They were all wearing black suits with white shirts and black ties. On their faces were overpriced sunglasses with Ray Ban on the side in gold lettering. The five men scattered themselves the length of the hall, their faces turned in every direction as if looking for something. Finally, their gazes settled on Minerva standing in the doorway of the Great Hall.
"We need you to give us the most beautiful girl in the land." The man looked behind her. He appeared to be scanning the gathering crowd. "We know she's here. We tracked her location. All the woodland critters singing about her pointed in this direction."
"I..." Blushing, Hermione elbowed her way through the crowd and approached the group near the door. "I believe I am who you're looking for." A murmur began in the surrounding audience. She turned in a circle; her uniform skirt twirled in the air. "After all, I spent the summer becoming beautiful. I even developed curves in all the right places."
"You?" A voice from the crowd said. Draco Malfoy began laughing. "You really think you're the most beau—ack!" With a resounding croak, Draco fell over, dead from a rare terminal laugh. The crowd fell silent.
"Great," Minerva said. "Now I'll have to deal with his father. Again." At least I might get the chance to touch his hair, she thought. She waved her wand at the body and it disappeared up to Dumbledore's office. She only hoped it would remain undisturbed. She turned back to the visitors.
"Look, I don't know who you are or how you managed to break into Hogwarts—"
"Probably the same way everyone else does," a voice said. Several people laughed. Minerva glanced back. Figures that would be Harry Potter.
"You'll have to leave," Minerva said. "This is not at all—"
"There she is!" One of the men shouted. Minerva turned to face where he pointed. Ginny Weasley had just emerged from the crowd. Her hair shone, even though there was no sunlight in the hall to glint off of it. (Her hair products are that good.) One of the men lunged forward and grabbed Ginny's arm. Seconds later, there was a bright flash in the hall.
Minerva blinked. Once. Twice. When she was able to focus again, she was in Dumbledore's office. Hours had passed. From the look of the light outside, she knew it was just after the beginning of sunset.
"What in the world just happened?"
"It's about time you came around," Albus said. "You've must've been standing closest to them when they used the flashy thing." He frowned. "Some secret U.S. government group kidnapped Ginny Weasley while they were really looking for that American student." He sighed. "They wreaked havoc at the Minstry's offices and the Weasley home before coming here. We've got to negotiate a trade before they do something drastic."
"Drastic like what?" Minerva asked.
She turned as a muffled yell caught her attention. Arthur Weasley was tied to a chair on the far side of the office. He was screaming from behind a gag. Professor Trelawney had her wand trained on him.
"Like using her blood in a secret experiment." Albus frowned. "That girl is prophesied to give birth to the most perfect Quidditch players Hogwarts will ever see. We can't have some goverment agents running around with her blood."
"But we can hand another student off to them?"
Dumbledore shrugged. "Gryffindor will win the House Cup for generations to come, by any means necessary."
Minerva understood that. She had personally seduced no less than three Quidditch players the morning of a match so they'd be too tired to play. Once was even while she was still a student.
"So why is Arthur bound?" Minerva asked. "Shouldn't he be happy we're working to get his daughter back?"
Albus shrugged. "Started blathering about immoral abuse of powers and other such nonsense. I figured it would be easier to get this done if he wasn't whining in my ear."
Minerva nodded. This too made sense. What was happening across the castle? Not so much.
"I'd heard you done something strange to yourself, but I never imagined it would be something like this."
Severus whipped around to face the person in his office doorway. Ron Weasley stood there, a horrified expression distorting his features. "I didn't mean for you to see me this way," Severus said, motioning to the makeup. He'd been experimenting, wondering if he could pass himself off as a woman on the weekends since he had the right equipment. It was no use. He was far too handsome a man to make a decent woman.
"Me? Why would you be thinking of me when you did this to yourself?" Ron asked.
Severus looked down then. Without warning, he began crying. Damn female parts.
"Look, I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted to know what the homework is since you missed class this morning."
Severus looked up then. Tears streaked mascara down both cheeks. "I thought students might like me this way. Don't you think I'm pretty?"
Ron shook his head. He backed away a step. "No...I don't even know what I'm looking at."
Severus sniffled. An idea occurred to him. "I could make you stay, you know. Give you detention forever. Albus wouldn't mind."
"My parents might. I definitely would."
"But...we could have something special," Severus said. He took several steps across the room, until he was standing just before Ron. "Tell me you want something you'll never find anywhere else."
"I think I'm going to be sick," Ron said just before Severus leaned down to kiss him.
Dumbledore welcomed the black-suited agent into his office. "Come in, come in." He made a sweeping gesture with one arm. "Lemon drop?"
"That's a little forward for a first meeting, isn't it?" the man asked.
Albus frowned. "I just wanted to know if you'd like a piece of candy," he said, pointing at the bowl on a nearby table. "You Americans are so strange."
Arthur Weasley spit out the gag. "They blew up my house, destroyed my office, and tried to murder me. But none of that matters. These bastards took my daughter. And I swear by Merlin's beard, staff, and goddamn grave, They. Will. Pay."
Dumbledore looked over his shoulder. "Is he talking? Why is he talking? I'm trying to negotiate here."
Trelawney took that as her cue and aimed a spell at Arthur's head. Unfortunately, she was either too close or focusing far too much. Rather than shut the man up, she blew his head into pieces. Minerva frowned. Cleaning spells or no, that was going to take a while to get out of her robes.
Dumbledore sighed. "So many Weasleys, so little time." He turned back to the government agent. "Can we get back to the talk? I promised the Weasley girl's mother this would be settled before nightfall."
Within minutes, the talks were settled. Late that night, the exchange was made. Molly Weasley was overjoyed at the news—both at the return of her daughter and the announcement that she was now single. She was less enthusiastic about this change in her life when she found out about Severus's surgery. But she could wait a year. In the meantime, there was always Lucius Malfoy.
Meanwhile, across the castle, Ron had succeeeded in fighting off Severus's advances. Or so he'd thought until the professor showed up in his dorm room at midnight.
"Look, I've told you, this can never work out," Ron said. "I'm..." The boy groped around for the first excuse he could think of. "I'm in love with Harry."
"That explains a lot," Harry said from behind the curtains of his bed. "I don't mind if you shag Snape first," he continue. "Gives me less to teach you."
Severus smiled. "See, you have his permission. Don't you see? This is perfect."
"No!" Ron screamed as the professor stepped closer. He raised his wand in one trembling hand. "You won't have me!"
"Oh, for the love of—Avada Kadavra!" Neville lowered his wand, smirking as Snape fell to the floor in a heap. "Can you quiet down so we can get some sleep now?" With that, he closed the curtains around his bed. Seconds later, snores could be heard from the other side.
Ron stood in the center of the room trembling. He hadn't quite gotten a grip on what had happened when Dumbledore appeared in the doorway. "I'll take that," he said, pointing his wand at the still-warm body. "Lucius needs a new toy anyway," he said before flicking his wand quickly. The body disappeared.
Severus woke up, a scream dying on his lips. The body next to his stirred, then woke. A hand touched his wrist. "What is it?"
"I had a nightmare," Severus responded. "She...we...it was..." He couldn't say anything more. Little of it had made sense. He really had to stop using Occlumency on Minerva. And taking Muggle hallucinogens. It was never a good combination.
"Shh," Ron whispered, pulling his trembling lover into his arms. He was used to the nightmares. Should be, after all the time they'd been together. "You don't have to be afraid of anything like that. No one we know would act that out of character in reality."