This is my first attempt at trying to write Handle With Care fanfiction so I apologise if it's not any good but I hope you might enjoy it.


We played Ella Fitzgerald, 'Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye' at your funeral. It's almost fitting, but I'm dying more than a little. It's like, when you left us, you took a part of me with you too. A part I can barely function without.

And as for wondering why, that's what consumes most of my time. After everything you went through, how strong you were, that's how it ended. I wonder why you went across the pond instead of round it, why Mom or Dad didn't come to get me, why I wasn't keeping track of time myself...

The counsellor that I went to see after you'd died, Mom was terrified that I'd become bulimic or self harm again, told me I shouldn't blame myself, and I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard not to go through that day minute by minute and pick out all the things that I could have done differently. And then it makes me even sadder because there are so many things that seemed so insignificant at the time, that I regret so much now. That I took the last waffle at breakfast, that I wouldn't let you choose what to watch on the TV, and that I can't remember the last thing I said to you.

Did I say goodbye before I went out? I'd like to think I did. I usually did didn't I? I can't even remember if I'd hugged you that morning or told you how much I loved you.

Sometimes I try to paint you. A lot of the time they go horribly wrong and I throw them away, but sometimes I get one that I think looks like you, but then I look at it harder and I think your foreheads to large, your eyes the wrong colour, your mouth the wrong shape. And as the days go by I find it harder to tell. The first time I had to look at a photograph to paint you I cried for hours and your voice is even harder. You had such a beautiful voice and the grief I feel when I can't remember it consumes me.

I've taken to reading your trivia books, because the one thing I can remember clearly is the smile you'd have on your face as you spewed yet another pointless fact, a rat can last longer without water than a camel, on average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily, all polar bears are left-handed, dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Knowing all this makes me feel closer to you and that feeling is the only thing that gives me the strength to try and go on.