In Which Draco Breaks the Fourth Wall . . . Repeatedly
"No, I won't do it. I simply won't! I've had enough."
"Uhm, Draco, you're—you're not saying your lines."
"And I won't! This entire ordeal is absolute rubbish and I won't stand for it anymore! I won't be a figure of mockery any longer."
"I don't think—"
"Think? You don't think about anything! Besides, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it. Am I asking you now? No! So get bent."
"Draco, I just wanted to be nice and celebrate your birthday."
"By giving me a set of pearls? Honestly, do I look like the kind of bloke who wears pearls?"
"I don't care what Blaise told you! It happened one time—ONE time! And it was for a laugh, alright? Theo dared me."
"Uhm, okay . . ."
"Don't give me that look!"
"The raised eyebrow coupled with a smirk. I invented that look!"
"Okay, someone's a little tetchy today. You know, just because you're turning thirty-one there's no reason to throw a wobbler."
"I'm not throwing a wobbler! I'm fan-bloody-tastic! I'm just sick of all you women—and I use the term loosely—fawning over me. It's disgusting!"
"Yes, really. I also don't appreciate all these ghastly stories being posted about me snogging the She-Weasel or that Mudblood Granger or, Merlin forbid, sodding sod, Potter. Potter? How do you figure any of that?"
"Well, that's because some girls fancy you a Slytherin Sex God."
"Sex on the what now? How absurd! I mean it's not like I don't know my way around women, but I have better taste than to be bedding half the female population of Hogwarts. Please."
"So, you're not a Casanova, then?"
"Cas-a-what? Speak English, woman!"
"Casanova; he was this Italian author known for his—eh, forget about it."
"I swear you women are completely mental. M-e-n-t-a-l. I'm sick of your lot pairing me up with anyone else besides Astoria."
"Alright, fine. It's your birthday so I'll accommodate that wish. I won't write any non-Draco-slash-Astoria stories today. Anything else?"
"Yes. Tell that Rowling woman that she had better retract what she wrote earlier about me having a receding hairline. The nerve of that woman. The absolute nerve! I think I might just pull out all my hair because you fan girls are driving me BONKERS!"
"Okay, Draco, okay. Will do. I'm going to go now and let you stew in peace. So, uh, Happy birthday again."
"Yeah, whatever . . . stupid Muggle."
Fourth Wall Challenge: Written for the Fourth Wall challenge for the Draco Characterisation Workshop on the DG Forum. Was also written in conjunction with Draco's birthday and using the prompt pearls (Draco's birthday stone).