Just realized I haven't put this up here yet. This was based of a random discussion on the Hetalia Livejournal Community about who's part of what family exactly. I've based it off the language families, thus why the Nordics and England are in here. There are other essays, and drabbles, that I will get up later.

Watch out for some intentional fail!grammar, and a little Austria/Hungary, FrUK, and SuFin. Also Clara = Belgium, Rupert = Netherlands, Mathis = Denmark, Nikolas = Norway, Tumi = Iceland. Enjoy.

And I don't own Hetalia, or the characters, or their respective countries.


My Family
By Ludwig Beilschmidt: Age 8

My family is me, my brother Gilbert, and Vati. Vati works a lot. I don't know what he does, but I don't really see much of him, so I do most of the cleaning because Gilbert doesn't like to.

Gilbert is 19 and spends a lot of time working in his room and makes weird noises, explosions, and smells, but he still finds time between that and school to play with me. Playing with Gilbert is fun, but sometimes we have to leave really quickly before Gilbert's friends find us and take Gilbert away again. The last time they did that he came home beaten up and I had to call Roderich and Gilbert didn't like that.

Since Vati is gone a lot, it's just me and Gilbert in the house so Cousin Roderich and Cousin Vash and Cousin Heidi are always over. Roderich is 20 and lives next door with his wife Elizaveta who's really nice to me but hits Gilbert with a frying pan sometimes when he's being stupid, which is a lot.

Vash is 23 and Heidi is 6 and they live down the street. I'm not sure what Vash does, but he always has a gun on him. Roderich says that's because he's a cop, but Gilbert says he isn't. Vash says he'll tell me when I'm older.

They always come over after Vash picks Heidi up from school so Vash can play with Gilbert and Roderich. They never let us play, so Heidi and I go off on our own to play. Since Heidi is younger than me I got to protect her from some of the other kids because they like to pick on her. One time Ivan from down the street started picking on her and making her cry so I punched him in the face. Roderich scolded me and sent me to my room without supper, but Vash and Gilbert snuck me some wurst and cheese and told me I did a good job.

Sometimes Cousin Clara and Cousin Rupert come from out of town and stop by and visit. Clara is 21 and always gives me and Heidi chocolate and Vash gets mad because he says his is better but they both taste the same to me. Gilbert always challenges Clara to a drinking contest and she always drinks him under the table which always puts Vash and Roderich in a good mood.

Rupert is 23 and he doesn't really talk very much but he always plays football with me and Heidi and Gilbert if he's still conscious. Rupert's really good but sometimes he lets us win. He doesn't really like the neighbors though and sometimes beats them up whenever he's here. It's always fun when they stop by though.

On Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Cousin Arthur and his wife Francis and Cousin Alfred and Cousin Matt and Cousin Jake come over. Arthur is 23 and he always gives me these scone things which are really disgusting but Roderich makes me eat anyway because it's 'polite.' I put up with it though because then Arthur lets me play with his fairy friends. He and Francis fight a lot so Arthur ends up drinking with Gilbert while Francis tries to get into Roderich's and Vash's pants whatever that means.

Alfred is 8 and Matt and Jake are 7 and me and Heidi have to play with them. Alfred is really loud and bossy and messy but he comes up with a lot of fun games to play. Matt usually just does whatever Alfred says and Jake ends up wrestling whatever animals we come across. Matt and Alfred say Jake is adopted.

One time Gilbert and I went on a vacation to get away from the fuzz, which made no sense because I had just cleaned, but Gilbert insisted so we went really far out of town to visit our Second Cousins Mathis, Berwald, Nikolas, and Tumi.

Mathis is 21 and was really excited to see us but spent most of our visit drinking with Gilbert. I didn't really see much of either of them after that.

Nikolas is 18 and he's Mathis's cousin. He had a bunch of fairy and troll friends that he let play with but when he went to play with Mathis and Gilbert they left too.

Tumi is 15 and he's Nikolas's brother. He played with me sometimes, but he spent most of the time out or by himself which was weird. He said he had more important things to do than babysit me, but I'm not a baby, I'm 8, so I don't know what his problem was.

Berwald is 21 and he's Tumi's cousin. He was really really scary when I first met him, but he had a dog named Hanatamago (his wife, Tino, picked the name) and he let me play with her. Berwald was actually real nice and played with me a lot.

Berwald was taking care of Arthur's little brother Peter, who I heard lots about but never met until then. Peter spent a lot of the time showing me around and telling me why Arthur was a jerk, but Arthur is family and Vash says that family is really important so I don't really buy it.

And that's my family.


Toris sighed and rubbed his temples. Sometimes of the children in his class had really messed up families, and considering his own, that's saying something. Maybe this wasn't such a good assignment after all; he felt the need to have child services on speed dial after that one.

Still, he mused, it wasn't nearly as bad as that Vargas kid's…