(A/N: Hey guys. Worry not. I haven't forgotten about "Opposites Attract", just been busy lately and since my wife's not the biggest fan of that story, I'm giving her this one to tide her over for a bit. ;) Ironically this story started out as an idea from her of an Edward/Jacob/Bella threesome. Every time I worked it out in my head Edward and Jacob would just end up arguing, and it got funnier and funnier every time I thought about it. This is the result.)
"Um…hi?" Jacob asked from Bella's window. Needless to say he was kind of confused why she asked him to meet her there. She'd made her decision and it wasn't for him. Not that it'd keep him from trying mind you.
"Hey Jake. You can come in." Bella's voice said from inside.
As Jacob inhaled he caught a very familiar, sharp smell that made his lips curl subtly. The leech was in there too. "Yeah?" Jacob finally asked, after getting in. To his pleasure, Edward seemed to as against him being here as Jacob was with Edward being there. Funny considering Edward usually tried to hide any hostility.
Whatever Bella had called him for, she was beet red thinking about it. "Okay…so…you're probably a little confused why you're here…" Bella started.
Jacob raised an eyebrow. "You could say that."
Bella got up, pulling away from Edward, getting even redder if that was possible. "…well…yeah…okay so here's the deal. I…hate being caught in between you two…I really do."
Jacob rolled his eyes. "Sometimes you have to make a choice, Bells."
"Do I?" Bella asked, which caught Jacob off guard. He did notice that Edward tensed. Whatever Bella asked him here for, Edward knew about it and he didn't like it. Jacob couldn't help but to find that intriguing.
The situation got a chuckle from Jacob. "There's no other way about it, Bella. You can't have us both."
"I can…try…er…physically at least…" Bella replied, shyly.
"Let the record state that I'm completely against this idea." Edward grumbled.
"Oh shut up, Edward." Bella shot back.
Between Bella's suggestion and her uncharacteristic talk back to Edward, Jacob couldn't help but to laugh. "Okay, okay. There's like...a camera or something right? This is a joke?"
"I wish…" Edward grumbled again.
"…you're serious…you want to…with both of us?" Jacob asked, choking a little.
"At the same time…yeah…" Bella replied.
Jacob simply looked with a blank expression on his face. "Yup…that's exactly how I looked when she told me about it. It's absur-" Edward started.
"Shut it!" Bella said, then turned back to Jacob. "So? What do you say?"
To be honest, Jacob was partially tempted purely to tick off Edward. "So…how would it work exactly? We'd take turns or…"
"No. At the same time or not at all." Bella said, shaking her head.
Jacob's eyes narrowed. "So I either share or nothing?" Bella nodded, but to her surprise a dark smirk crossed Jacob's face. "Okay…let's say…I'm…significantly better at it than Edward. Is there a chance that I'd have more of a chance of getting…some…alone time with you?"
"Highly doubt that'll be the issue." Edward growled, not liking the fact that Jacob was now closer to Bella than he was.
"Oh…I don't know. I think I'd be better at it." Jacob teased.
"Oh? How do you figure?" Edward shot back.
Jacob took Bella's hand and put it down the front of his pants.
"SWEET MOTHER OF-!!!" Bella exclaimed. Edward had started to get up and 'politely' escort Jacob out until he heard the rest of Bella's sentence. "THAT THING'S BIGGER THAN MY WRIST!!" Bella said, her face with a look of confusion.
Jacob smirked. "Well…you do have little girl wrists."
"Screw you." Bella replied.
Jacob grinned wider. "I do believe that's what we're talking about." Jacob couldn't help but to realize that Bella hadn't moved her hand yet. "As I said…it's not just my body that's big."
"I…see that…" Bella stated.
"It's not just size, it's skill." Edward pointed out.
Jacob grinned. "Yeah. That's what small people say, weenie tot.."
"I'm not small." Edward growled back. "I just have more respect than to shove her hand down my pants."
Jacob chuckled. "And yet, she's currently touching my junk and not yours."
Bella blushed again, as she realized where her hand was and quickly took it out before she rolled her eyes. "Okay. Let's clear this up. We're all virgins here so logically we're all gonna suck."
Jacob smiled again. "Speaking of sucking…" He couldn't help but to laugh at Bella's 'not amused' expression. "It's a legitimate question. If we're doing this, is it a front door-back door deal or an upstairs-downstairs deal?"
"You…are disgusting." Edward grumbled.
"You hear that, Bella? He thinks your butt's disgusting." Jacob teased.
"I didn't say that!" Edward protested.
"Okay…let's clear this up. There will be no…backdoor entry…" Bella mumbled.
"Exactly, perv." Edward shot back at Jacob.
"Well…it's not like I'm totally opposed to the idea…it's just that…I'd want Edward in my…er…front door…first…and…no offense but the idea of Jake being back there scares me witless."
"Fair point." Jacob replied, smirking. "So…upstairs then?"
"Upstairs." Bella replied. "So you're game?"
"I'm considering it." Jacob replied. The growl on Edward's face being totally worth it. "Still think it's safer to be with me first though."
"You would." Edward shot back.
"Yeah, cuz it's not like you'd…I don't know…bruise the shit out of her or anything like that mid coitus." Jacob said with a smirk.
"Okay…see…holding things against me that haven't technically happened yet. This story has to be taking place around 3rd book or so. And that doesn't happen until the 4th. Not fair, kiss rapist."
"Fuck the 4th wall, I'm not a frickin' kiss rapist, Mr. I'll continue to sleep with her when she's unconscious." Jacob retorted.
"I didn't sleep with her when she was unconscious!"
"Dude…she didn't completely remember what happened. That implies that she blacked out. Which-"
"And the way it was written, there's no way to prove that I didn't stop once she lost consciousness." Edward defended.
"…you totally kept going, you freak." Jacob said before raising his hand in surrender. "But you're right…no way to prove it. Short of…you know…all the bruises and shit."
"Neutral corners!" Bella said, standing between them.
"You are a frickin' kiss rapist though…" Edward grumbled.
"You know…people hold that against me but I have a theory on that…" Jacob stated, with a pondering expression.
"Oh…do tell." Edward replied, in a taunting voice.
"I need an impartial third party." Jacob said.
"I'm impartial!" Rosalie said, sticking her head through the door.
"What are you doing in my house!?" Bella protested.
"Humor value. Obviously." Rosalie replied.
Edward and Jacob traded glances as they looked at Bella and Rosalie. "I vote that in this story Bella be straight! We already know what happens if she's bi."
"Who are you talking t-?" Bella started to ask as she remembered that she was, indeed, straight and not sexually attracted to Rosalie in any way.
"You're the man, Writer." Jacob said, giving a thumbs up.
"Yeah…the man who fucks me over in every single story…have me joining the Volturi…you know…when Bella's not cheating on me…" Edward grumbled under his breath.
Jacob shrugged. "I'm just more fun to write. Deal with it."
"Am I here for a reason…?" Rosalie asked.
"Oh, right. Here's the question. If I kissed you against your will-"
"I'd kill you." Rosalie replied with a shrug.
"Right." Jacob started. "But let's say you were…Bella. And I kissed you against your will. Note, I only did that because I didn't know my own strength and I didn't realize you couldn't get away."
"You kept going after you realized that." Bella protested.
"Right. Cuz I'm immature. I'm like…16, so sue me. Anyway. How would you react? If you were in Bella's situation?"
Rosalie thought about it for a second. "I'd…be really pissed at you. And if you were really that strong and that immature about it…I'd avoid you."
"Would you forgive me if I gave you a charm bracelet and…gave you a puppy dog face?" Jacob asked.
"Exactly! That's a logical response to the situation."
"Hey!" Bella protested.
"Wait for it." Jacob started. "Now…would you have slept with Edward knowing that he'd most likely kill you in the process?"
"I knew he wouldn't-" Bella started.
"Ah ah!" Jacob turned back to Rosalie. "Would you?"
"Hm…I'd probably have gotten turned first. Vampire sex is great." Rosalie replied with a grin.
"Right. Now let's say you didn't and the first time you got all bruised, semi bloody and passed out during it. Would you want to do it again as a human?" Jacob asked.
"No. That'd mean I barely survived it the first time." Rosalie replied.
"Right! Also very logical of you. Now…let's switch it around. How would you react if I kissed you against your will…and you were a closeted masochist?"
Rosalie thought about that with a small smile as she got where Jacob was going with this. "I'd probably forgive you at the drop of a hat because I'd be unconsciously hoping you'd do it again."
"And if I tricked you into kissing me again and got a little rough with you?"
"I'd be into it like a motherfucker." Rosalie said with a snicker.
"And the sex that leaves you passed out and bruised?"
"I rest my case." Jacob said with a bow. "And I'll see you when the author stops getting all distracted by 'Opposites Attract' and writes the story with us in it." He said, winking at Rosalie.
"Looking forward to it." Rosalie said as she left.
"Therefore, I am not a kiss rapist…because you can't kiss rape the willing." Jacob said with a nod.
"That…actually does kinda make sense…" Bella grumbled.
"Of course it does. You're a freak. Freaks are fun though." Jacob said with a grin.
"Why do you even need to be here?" Edward protested. "Alice, Vampire Bella, Lizzie, Leah, and eventually Rosalie. Why don't you go have sex with one of them? Hell, when you were with Lizzie, you let Bella die."
"You did let me die! Jerk.." Bella grumbled.
"Uh…Edward left you. I never left." Jacob countered.
"You did leave! Double jerk…" Bella muttered to Edward.
"Dammit! Everyone always throws that in my face. Edward left, Edward left. Go Team Jacob cuz he never left. You left, like…twice."
"Hey! I left because I was turning into a werewolf and I was back within a chapter or two. You left for the whole damn book basically."
"We left for the same reason! So we wouldn't hurt Bella."
"Guys! Guys!" Bella interrupted. "Let's face this. You can't use logic when it comes to our relationships okay? Logic doesn't work. Edward, you're a horrible boyfriend because you lie to me, you're controlling, you stalk me, and you spend every minute of every day trying not to kill me. And of course I have to die to be with you."
"Exactly!" Jacob exclaimed, putting an arm around Bella's shoulders.
"And you are violent and have anger issues to the extent that I risk my life anytime that I make you angry, which…let's be honest, is going to happen a lot in any relationship especially with me because I'm angering inducing to the point of psychosis. You also have the dangerous combination of being immature, short tempered and insanely strong. Can we all agree to stop looking at this logically?" Bella asked, to which both guys grudgingly agreed. "Now…are you two gonna fuck me or not?"
"Yeah, sure. Long as you don't mind him fucking you when you're unconscious." Jacob said.
"Okay, how about this? Edward fucks me while I'm unconscious and I'm all yours." Bella offered.
Jacob's eyes shot wide as he began pondering.
"He's thinking of ways to make it look like I already did." Edward said with a sigh.
"If I find out you had anything to do with it, I'm dumping you both and….going with…um…"
"Me!" Seth exclaimed from the window. "Me! Me! Me!"
"What the hell, Seth!?" Jacob exclaimed.
:"Oh shut up, Jake. You get pussy all the time. Me? I get Nessie. Resnes-fucking-me, okay? And even that's off panel, dammit! I'm a well liked character, aren't I? Seth should get some nookie!" Seth defended.
"He's right. You two mess up and I fuck Seth." Bella agreed.
"Hell yeah!" Seth yelled.
"Unless I find out you're behind them messing up and in that case I don't care what the author says, I'm going back to Rosalie."
"Awwww." Seth moped, dropping out of the window.
"I have a question." Jacob asked, turning to Edward. "You don't technically have blood, right?"
"Right…" Edward replied, curious where this was going…until he realized where it was going. "…yes…I technically have a raging hard on at all times."
"Dude…that's just creepy." Jacob replied.
"Oh you're just jealous." Edward said. "Because I'm Edward and I'm perfect in every way. My only flaw is that I love too much."
"Oh yeah? Take off your shirt."
"Fuck you!" Edward exclaimed.
"It's true, isn't it? I take off my shirt, ladies scream in orgasmic pleasure. You take off yours and they go ewwwww, he has a white boy bird chest." Jacob teased.
"Jake! Stop being so mean!" Bella exclaimed.
Jacob took her hand again and put it on his chest. "…oooooh you sexy piece of werewolf jailbait you…." Bella cooed, feeling up Jacob's chest.
"Alright, that's enough!" Edward protested.
"Okay okay!" Bella got in between them again. "No fighting. Lord knows why you insist on fighting over me anyway…"
"You kidding?" Jacob started. "You're easily the second hottest girl in the movie."
Bella found herself blushing. "Really?...wait…whose the first? Rosalie?"
Jacob rolled his eyes. "Alice, obviously."
Edward nodded. "Totally Alice."
"She wasn't in much of the movie, but I swear…every scene she was in I just wanted to-"
"I know what you mean, man." Edward agreed. "To hell with that whole, she's kinda my sister thing, I'd totally tap that."
"Hey!" Bella protested.
"I'll be tapping that as soon as the second chapter of Wakey Wakey's posted." Jacob turns to the reader and gives a thumbs up. "Back by popular demand."
Bella leaned back with a pout. "Well…fine. If you two like her so much why don't you have a threesome with her instead…"
Jacob and Edward turned to each other. "Can we do that?" Jacob asked.
"I'm not gonna lie, I didn't know she was an option." Edward agreed. After a pause the two of them ran out the room.
"You know what?! Fuck the both of you! I don't need you! It's not like my existence is completely defined by the guy I'm dating or anything!" Bella yelled.
"Hey Bella!" Seth said from the window. "Where'd everyone go?"
"Um…they all went to fuck Alice. Guess I'm all yours."
Seth blinked. "Alice is an option?" With that he was gone.
"Son of a-!" Bella exclaimed before giving up with a sigh. "Ah, who am I kidding?" She said, as she left to go to Alice's room as well.