(A/N: Just a slight warning to anyone reading this chapter. It will eventually have some slight spoilers to The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. So...you know...read at your own risk and whatnot. And as always review, flame, whatever you like.)
"Wait...why is everyone here, again?" Alice asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Shouldn't you already know?" Jacob asked.
"I knew you were all going to be coming here. I didn't know why."
"I have an idea...from what I'm feeling from everyone." Jasper grumbled, glaring at everyone.
"What's going on here?" Emmett asked, poking his head through the door. "Random family meeting I was left out of?"
"Nah, we're trying to fuck Alice." Jacob replied.
"Wait...what?" Alice asked, obviously confused.
"Alice is an option?" Emmett questioned.
"Wait...who said I was an option?" Alice asked.
Everyone pointed to Bella, who raised her hands in her own defense. "I didn't mean it literally! I was just saying if you thought she was so hot..."
"Awww, you guys think I'm hot?" Alice asked coyly.
"Leave. Now. All of you. Before I rip out your brains." Jasper threatened.
"Me, Bella, and Seth are the only ones with actual brains, aren't we? You vamps just have a space of...solid mass where a brain should be, don't you?" Jacob asked.
"How about this? Anyone who doesn't leave gets their heads ripped off and smashed, regardless of race." Jasper replied.
"Now now Jazz." Alice said, petting Jasper's shoulder as she grinned at everyone. "I, for one, wouldn't mind any of you saying exactly what's so awesome about me."
"Ugh, that's so retarded." Jacob grumbled.
Alice blinked, looking at Jacob. "Well fine. If you don't want to praise me, you don't have to."
Jacob shook his head. "No no. You're totally fucktastic. I want to do unspeakable things to you in a third chapter of 'Wakey Wakey', though that most likely won't happen. I mean the whole fact that nobody called Jasper 'Jazz' until the fourth book and we're just supposed to believe that you all called him tat the entire time."
"Hey now, in 'Midnight Sun' we called him Jazz and that was during the exact same time as 'Twilight'." Edward pointed out.
"...Bullshit. That was written after Breaking Dawn. Or...partly written...whatever. It doesn't count. Speaking of which, how come everyone just calls you Edward? Someone should call you Ed, or Eddie? Almost everyone else has a nickname. Em, Rose, Jazz, even if it was done last minute..."
"Obviously it's because I'm awesome in every way, and Edward sounds all classical. If I go by Ed or Eddie then I'm 'normal' instead of the god among men I am." Edward replied to the swarm of schoolgirls.
"Girls. Dude, you're a god among girls. Ironically most of them aren't legal." Jacob replied, rolling his eyes.
Edward snickered. "It's not like I don't have the time to wait."
"Good! You wait, I fuck Alice. Simple." Jacob shot back.
"Was I not...you know...clear on the whole killing anyone who tries that thing?" Jasper asked. "I can guarantee I can easily kill anyone in this room, even Edward."
Edward rolled his eyes. "You couldn't easily kill me. Bitch."
"Oh fine. It wouldn't be easy but since you'd be dead either way that really doesn't matter does it?" Jasper commented, raising an eyebrow.
"I'd pay to see that. My money's on the freak." Jacob offered, with a chuckle.
"Which one's the freak?" Bella asked.
Jacob pointed nondefinitively. "That one."
"He only wants us to fight so it'll be easier for him to take out the loser." Edward said, with a sigh.
Jasper gave Jacob a skeptical look. "Shouldn't Alice be at the end of your list anyway? What with Rosalie and Jessica and Angela and...am I missing anyone?"
"Esme." Jacob replied.
"ESME?" Edward exclaimed. "That's sick you fucking psycho!"
Jacob rolled his eyes. "Melodramatic, much? Physically she's only 26, you know. It's not really that gross when you think about it...well...it is when you think about it, since she's kinda your mom and all."
"You are not fucking Esme." Edward threatened.
Jacob sighed, putting his hand on Edward's shoulder. "Oh Edward, think it of it as a test. The fact is, the author doesn't find Esme sexy, but he does find the idea of me hooking up with her fucking hilarious so we're going to see what comes of it. Of course, if that actually works out and isn't creepy as Hell, that opens up the floodgates to all sorts of possibilities. Including your biological mom. I think the only girls safe from my cock are...you know...my sisters, my mother, and...ironically...Nessie. That shit's just creepy and wrong."
"BUT MY MOM ISN'T?"
Jacob thought about it. "Nope. Neither of them. I'd tap 'em both. At the same time."
"Fuck you, Jacob!" Edward exclaimed.
"Oh come on, Eddie. You're just pissed because I'm going to fuck your moms."
"Um, guys? Not to sound vain or anything but could we get back to the part about fucking me? I was kind of enjoying that part." Alice chimed in.
"And I think all the talk of Esme's creeping her out." Jasper chuckled.
"Very much." She added. "You're not doing yourself any favors, Jacob."
Jasper then gave Alice a suspicious look. "Wait...that implies that he has a chance."
Alice shook her head a little too convincingly. "No no, of course not, Sweety."
"Exactly." Emmett pointed out. "We all know I'm the only real answer here. I probably have more experience than anyone in this room."
"Bitch, I'm a soldier. Do you have any idea how much ass soldiers get?" Jasper retorted.
Emmett thought about it. "Fair enough, but either way that knocks out those two losers despite Jacob's growing black book. He's still only a boy in a man's body. Now me? I'm a man...in a massive man's body."
Jacob laughed. "Okay, raise of hands. How many people here have actually been requested out of a story in the reviews...multiple times? Anyone? Anyone?"
"Oh fuck you, Jacob. It's a lesbian story and I'm still heavily involved so of course people want me out of it. But you know what? I'm not goin' anywhere. Cuz I'm awesome and I'm essential to a further part in the plot...Bitch."
"Hm.." Edward pondered. "If that's the case...what happens to you after the essential part's over?"
Emmett laughed. "Well obviously..." Then a look of pure terror consumed his face as he ran out of the room to Rosalie. "What happens to me when I'm not essential anymore...?"
"One down." Edward gave Jacob a high five.
"You guys do remember that I'm still here, right?" Bella chimed in.
Jacob rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but it's already been said that you're straight in this story."
Bella scoffed. "Psh! Alice's hotness transcends my sexual preference, duh."
Alice cosied up to Jasper. "See this is the part that I like."
"I have just gotten a brilliant idea. Why don't we just make it an orgy, you know? You two could do your lesbian hotness thing, while I fuck Alice and Edward fucks Bella. Simple." Jacob stated.
"Wait...how come you get to fuck Alice first?" Edward asked.
"Because I already know how to get her all warmed up." Jacob winked at Alice.
"What's he talking about?" Jasper asked.
"Nothing, Sweety." Alice replied, subtly giving Jacob a wink back.
"Yeah, see. I'm just going to kill all of you now." Jasper said, starting to get up.
"You see..." Jacob started. "This is exactly why 'Opposites Attract' has Rosalie instead of Alice. Originally it was supposed to be Alice, but it was difficult to see how you'd be okay with the situation. You could have been in a vampire threesome, but no, you had to be all badass and stuff. The same reason the author probably won't keep going with 'Wakey Wakey' as an actual story. You'd have to die."
Jasper snorted. "You couldn't kill me. I'd own you."
Jacob raised a finger. "Not if Edward helped me, which he could conceivably do since I wouldn't be going after Bella anymore."
Jasper thought about it. "Huh. I suppose that might work...in theory. It'd be way too complicated making that plausible though..."
"Exactly. Especially since the author's planning on rewriting all of Twilight in a story lovingly called...'Twilight...with logic' which would be Twilight...if we all thought logically...you'd never guess that by the title..."
Jasper chuckled. "And it's yet another way for the author to screw over Edward."
Edward growled. "For your information there's very good chance I won't get screwed over in this story."
"But there is an equal chance that Bella will choose me over you." Jacob replied.
"And there's an equal chance that I'll grow a personality and realize I probably shouldn't date either of you. It'll all add up to how the story writes itself." Bella said, proudly. "So be honest you each only have a 33.33% chance of hitting this in the end. But just relax in knowing the only character who will actually get screwed over is Renesmee. Because she won't fucking exist." Bella added.
"Hey!" Renesmee protested from the window.
"Oh go away, Nessie. No one likes you. If you were those old annoying Microsoft helpers, you'd be the paperclip. And no one liked the paperclip." Alice protested.
Edward chuckled, nudging Jacob. "And you'd be the dog."
Jacob punched Edward in the shoulder. "And you'd be the cat, Bitch."
"So? People used the cat."
"More people used the dog."
"They did not."
"They did. It's a proven fact."
"Oh, really? Where was it proven?"
"On Esme's ass. I'll be spending a lot of time there, you see."
"Oh fuck you, Jacob. Fuck you in the ear."
"Wait..." Bella interjected. "If you're the dog and you're the cat...what would I be?"
Jacob, Edward, and Alice thought about it. "Um...the globe?" Jasper added.
Jacob nodded, "I could see that."
Bella looked confused. "The globe? But no one uses the-...oh you guys are dicks." Bella fumed as she everyone laughed. "Yeah, well fuck the lot of you. You can make all the jokes at my expense that you want because I'm the main character. I outrank all of you."
Jacob snickered. "Bells, I love you Sweety, but you do know that's why everyone tolerates you, right? When's the last time you saw a 'Team Bella' shirt? Everyone likes you because of us."
"There are 'Team Switzerland' shirts which might as well be Team Bella shirts so fuck you."
"Um..." Edward started. "I thought that just meant that they liked both of us equally..."
"Hey, have any of you noticed that the book gets infinitely more interesting when it's done from anyone else's perspective?" Jacob pointed out.
"That's not true!" Bella rebuttaled.
"Well...most people will admit the best part of Breaking Dawn was Jacob's chapters. Even the chapter titles were fucking awesome." Edward admitted.
"Aww, thanks man. I grudgingly have to admit that I liked the few chapters of Midnight Sun that were posted. It's a shame it hasn't been finished. Makes you wonder why the Hell the book was told from Bella's perspective to begin with." Jacob countered.
"Because my perspective is awesome..." Bella pouted.
"Well...tell me what's more interesting. You pouting for an entire class about why Edward's glaring at you, or Edward planning in detail how he could kill everyone in the class quietly so he could drain you and run away without anyone noticing?" Jacob asked.
"...Okay, fine! It's more interesting from Edward's perspective! He doesn't even seem like such a creepy bitch from his perspective..." Bella said, pouting again.
"Hell, I think it's more interesting from Bree's perspective..." Jacob said, thoughtfully.
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Bella roared.
"I take it back! I take it back!" Jacob shrank back with genuine fear in his eyes.
"Geeze Bella, he was only telling the truth." Bree said from the window Nessie had previously been at.
"Oh go away, Bree!" Bella ordered. "You suck and your book sucks. It doesn't even have chapters, you whore!"
Bree glared. "It's a novella. It's supposed to be read in one sitting."
"Oh like most people would read that in one sitting!"
Bree shrugged. "The author did."
"Pfft! He had the day off because of snow! That doesn't count! He didn't even buy the book for himself, it just happened to be sitting by the bed while he was bored."
"It totally counts! Just admit it, Bella. My book is awesome."
Bella crossed her arms. "Name one thing that's awesome about it. I know people who couldn't get past the first two pages."
"Well at about the 3rd page a vampire crushes a car while yelling 'Hulk Smash'."
Jacob started laughing. "Okay, yeah that was kinda funny."
"Quiet you!" Bella ordered. "And don't even get me started on that horrible 'gangsta' dialogue."
Jacob and Edward bent over from laughing so hard, and Bree motioned to them. "See? It was hilariously bad. Which we all know is a plus."
Bella glared at them and then back to Bree. "It was like Stephanie Meyer looked at 10 minutes of a Spike Lee joint and got all her slang from there."
"Hey hey, guys. Don't be mean." Alice chimed in. "For all we know that's how gangbangers talk in the Washington State Ghetto. Who are we to judge?"
Everyone nodded. "Okay, fair enough. I'll lay off the 'g' dialogue." Bella conceded. "Book still sucks though."
Bree gave a 'Z' snap. "As if! My book has one of the most awesome vampires of all time."
Bella's eyes went wide. "Oh please. You are not deluded enough to think that you're one of the most awesome vampires of all time."
Bree snickered. "Not me. I'm talking about Freaky Fred."
Bella blanked shortly and then gave Bree a weird look. "Seriously? Seriously. You're going with Freaky Fred as awesome? He doesn't even talk until the last chapt...oh...wait...your book doesn't have any fucking chapters."
"It doesn't need chapters!" Bree yelled. "Hmph. It's a travesty Fred wasn't in Breaking Dawn. A travesty."
"That wouldn't have worked." Jasper stated. "At least not for the ending Meyer was going for..."
"And just why not?"
"I think what he's trying to say is that with me and Bella on the same team, we would have owned the Volturi." Fred stated, from the window. "We would have been able to pretty much kill them all...which would have left vampires with no one to enforce the rules...and then the Cullen clan would have had to become the new Volturi. Waaay too complicated."
"FRED!" Bree exclaimed, hugging him. "You're alive!"
"Bree! You're...dead..." Fred trailed off near the end.
Bree let out a depressed sigh. "Yeah..."
"We really need to do something about that window..." Jasper muttered to Alice.
"Indeed..." Alice agreed, slowly sneaking toward the window.
"Well...you went out in that big battle, right? Heh, at least you didn't go out like a bitch." Fred playfully nudged Bree.
"Heheheheheh..." Bree laughed nervously.
"What?" Fred then got it. "Went out like a bitch, huh? Well...I'm sure it wasn't that bad." He then noticed no one was directly looking at him and it wasn't because of his power. "That bad?"
Jacob nodded. "There's going out like a bitch, and there's going out like Bree did."
"Hey!" Edward defended. "Bree did not go out like a bitch. Anyone can fight against pointless odds or run, or attempt to show any sign of self preservation. But you know what? It takes a set of balls to just stand there and take it."
Bree's head dropped. "I was kinda rolling on the ground in pain for a bit..."
Edward paused. "...yeah...but everyone does that from Jane's glare. Except Bella."
Bree ignored Bella sticking her tongue out. "...and I kinda screamed really loud when I died..."
"That was a yell of defiance in the face of certain death!"
Bree looked up with a hopeful expression. "It was a yell of defiance! You know what? I kinda went out like a badass."
Edward nodded. "You sure did, Badass Bree."
Jacob leaned over and whispered in Edward's ear. "Oh you're good..." Edward gave Jacob a subtle fist bump.
"You heard 'em. I'm Badass Bree!" Bree exclaimed to Fred.
"Cool..." Fred nodded.
"He's not awesome!" Bella growled, returning back to the previous subject. "Let's be honest here, his power is lame."
"See..." Bree started. "That's what makes it so awesome. It should be a totally lame power. But it's totally righteous! What do you call it again?"
"Repulsakinesis." Fred answered.
"REPULSAKINESIS!" Bree exclaimed. "Tell me that's not totally epic!"
Bella raised an eyebrow. "That's not totally epic."
Bree glared. "Yes huh! It's much more epic to make a lame power awesome, as opposed to having a power and not using it."
Bella got a confused look. "Everyone, including me, always uses their power as much as humanly possible."
Bree rolled her eyes. "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about Rosalie."
Rosalie poked her head through the door. "Wait...how did I get back involved in this conversation?"
"Um...is Em, alright?" Edward asked.
Rosalie sighed. "He'll be fine. I couldn't really help since even the author doesn't know what'll happen to him when his usefulness is done..."
Bella turned back to Bree. "Rosalie doesn't even have a power."
Bree nodded. "She has an ability. Emmett's is strength, which he uses all the time. Esme's is compassion which pretty much defines her character. Carlisle's is understanding and kindness, not to mention self control, which he uses on a regular basis. Name one significant thing that Rosalie does with her beauty."
Everyone paused. "I...uh...I made Bella feel all insecure about herself." Rosalie stated, proudly.
Bree just looked at Rosalie for awhile. "You...made Bella feel insecure about herself...right...Hey Bella."
"You see that bookshelf over there? All sturdy and not clumsy?"
Bella suddenly looked depressed as she walked over to the bookshelf. "I wish I was sturdy..."
Bree then turned to Rosalie. "Yeah, making Bella feel insecure is about as difficult as making ice by putting water in the freezer."
"I wanna be a bookshelf..." Bella moaned, stroking the bookshelf.
"Oh fine. I was defined by my bitchiness, not my beauty, okay?" Rosalie conceded, folding her arms.
"Well? Go seduce somebody or something!" Bree ordered.
Rosalie suddenly got a defiant look. "You know what? I will! I'm going to go seduce the fuck out of someone!" She exclaimed storming out of the room.
"Damn, I was sure she was going to try to seduce you, Fred...Fred? Where'd you go?" Bree looked around the room.
"Alice?" Jasper asked, realizing Alice wasn't there either. A look of comprehension suddenly crossed everyone's face.
"Fred, you pimp you!" Bree exclaimed.
"ALICE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jasper fell to his knees. "I'll kill him!"
Bree snorted. "As if you could find him. When Freaky Fred don't wanna be found. Freaky Fred ain't found."
"Oh shut up!" Jasper yelled. "You just like saying Freaky Fred."
"Uh...yeah...cuz it's a fucking awesome name."
"Wait...I can track Fred if I want to. I just need some..." Jasper suddenly turned to Bella. "...help."
"Saywha?" Bella asked, realizing everyone was looking at her.
"Bella, I need you!" Jasper exclaimed, glomping her. "Would you mind...um...letting me turn you so you can use your shield to overpower Fred's shield so I can get Alice back?"
Bella grinned an evil grin. "Oh you need me now? You all need me now, huh? I thought every perspective was better than mine and I was all boring. I thought I was the fucking globe."
"There's nothing wrong with the globe." Jasper stated. "It's the planet, Bella. Is there a dog day? A cat day? A paperclip day? No. But what there is? There's an Earth day. Is there a Captain Cat or a Captain Dog? No. But there is a Captain Planet. And he's a hero. And he's going to take pollution down to zero."
Jacob nudged Edward again. "Yours was good...but his is better...the difference? Showmanship."
"Oh shut the fuck up you Jim Carey quoting bastard." Edward growled.
Meanwhile Jasper was continuing his plea. "And you know what can't exist without the planet? Life. You are our planet, Bella. We can't exist without your perspective...because you're pretty much a personification of Stephanie Meyer...so to us you're pretty much God."
"Awww Jasper..." Bella's touched immediately went to a serious one. "What's in it for me? Without Alice, I'm the hottest one here."
"Uhhh..." Jasper thought about it. "Uh...a string of orgasms?"
Bella's eyes went wide. "Where did that come from?"
"Check it out." Jasper started. "It's already been stated that I can sense horniness. And any emotion I can sense, I can inflict. It's also been stated that I can use emotions to their most extreme. I almost forced you to go to sleep in Twilight...and in a deleted chapter from Twilight I did make you go to sleep. So logic would state..."
"You can give me an orgasm without touching me." Bella put it together and then though about it. "Prove it."
Jasper rubbed his hands together and pointed towards Bella. "Boom."
"HOLY FUCK!" Bella suddenly hit the ground in a twitching, happy mass. She was still twitching as she got up. "Okay Jazz, we have a deal."
Jasper grinned. "You're going to help me find Alice?"
Bella rolled her eyes. "Fuck that! I'm taking you for myself!" With that Bella grabbed Jasper by the arm and started pulling him out of the room.
"You're going to have to turn me first, though. If Edward almost killed me, there's no way I'm having sex with you as a human. And remember...you kill me and you got nobody." Bella reminded him.
"Wait!" Jacob protested. "What about-?"
"Ah ah! You had your chance, Jake. I offered a threesome and you wanted to fuck Alice instead. Now Alice and Freaky Fred are...well...getting freaky. See what happens when you're greedy?" After that Bella shut the door.
"Well...that sucks..." Edward muttered.
"Uh.." Jacob was looking at Bree, who was lovingly stroking his bicep. "What are you doing?"
Bree grinned, licking her lips. "You mean...who am I doing?"
"Uh...Bree...that's kinda gross." Jacob admitted.
Bree glared. "Bitch, I am 1 year younger than you."
Jacob started a rebuttal but then thought about it. "Hot damn, you are... but I turn 18 every time I have sex, you see. Otherwise it would be against the rules."
Bree rolled her eyes. "Then wouldn't I turn 18 as soon as you thought about it hard enough?" Bree's question was answered very quickly as she looked down. "Oo. Boobs. Hi there. Poke poke...poke..." She then let out a yelp as Jacob hoisted her over his shoulder. "Weee!" Bree exclaimed as the two 18 year olds left the room.
"...wait a minute..." Edward looked around, realizing he was the only one left. "Oh you guys suck..."
"Hey." Leah appeared in the window.
"Aaah... you know that Jacob's with-"
"Yeah. I saw." Leah stated, walking suspiciously close to Edward. "Edward, can I tell you a secret?"
"Yeah...?" Edward asked suspiciously.
"I...okay...I can't...I can't say it okay? But I have a poem." Leah pulled out a folded up piece of paper in her pocket.
"You...are going to read a poem to me?"
"Shut up!" Leah exclaimed. "This is hard for me. Okay...
"While in these stories, you might as well be
James Marsden in a superhero movie
Your only flaw is that you love too much
And your white boy chest that no girl would touch
Unfortunately Edward, you've been screwed again
Courtesy of Marx 8-10"
Leah was practically beaming after reading the poem, a significant contrast to Edward's none too pleased expression. "You know what...?" Edward growled.
"There is no Easter Bunny? That's just a guy in a suit?"
Edward paused again. "Fuck you. Fuck this story. Fuck Marx810. And fuck anyone who got that Mallrats reference!" With that, Edward stormed out the room.
Jacob poked his head through the door. "Think we should have told him that there's one, maybe two stories planned where he won't get screwed over?"
Leah thought about it. "Nah."
(A/N: And there you have it. As far as I have planned this is the end of the story. I kinda...went all over the place with this chapter... The story just kind of...took a life of it's own and OD'd on Red Bull or something. Maybe I've been watching too much Family Guy... I still found it funny even though it blatantly went off of the whole threesome premise, but I brought it back near the end so..yeah...woo for Esme sex!)