Title: Mallrats
Summary: Follow up to Bump Watch. ''Does anyone else feel like we're in the middle of a screwball comedy?''
Characters: Dean Winchester, Ruby, Sam Winchester, Castiel.
Pairing: Dean/Ruby, Sam/Ruby friendship.
Genre: Family/Humor
Rating: K+
Timeline: In an AU future.
Spoilers: None stated.
Warnings: Slightly crackish and fluffy.
Dedication: To Sam Winchester on his 27th birthday.
Notes: This story does not take place in any series of mine and of course, the Ruby is the Original!Ruby.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.


Mallrats

Written by Becks Rylynn


Sam's eyes followed every movement of the clock on the wall, his eyes watching closely as the hands moved at an agonizingly slow pace. He swore he had been sitting here forever. Dean had gotten bored within the first five minutes, wandering off in another direction aimlessly and Sam didn't think it was fair. Ruby was Dean's pregnant girlfriend. Why was Sam the one stuck here? And why was Ruby taking so long? Sighing, Sam sat back in his chair and told himself if she didn't come out soon, he was going to go in there and make sure she hadn't, like, popped out the kid on the floor or something. It was when a group of women passed by him, giggling and blushing at the sight of him, that he snapped. Because, really, they were grown women. Not teenagers.

Practically jumping to his feet, he made his way over to the dressing room, smiling nervously when a woman shot him a slightly disgruntled look. ''Ruby, are you ever going to come out of there?''

There was a pause and then she sighed heavily on the other side of the curtain. ''I don't know. I was waiting for the floor to open up and swallow me whole but that doesn't seem to be happening.''

''Why? What's wrong?'' He glanced around the store in search of his brother (because Dean was the one who was supposed to be doing this) and he had to do a double take when he caught sight of his older brother over by the hats, with what was clearly a hat for a woman on his head. ''Oh, god.'' And that was the guy who was going to become a father in four months? Poor kid. No, wait, scratch that. Poor Ruby.

''Well,'' Ruby said dryly. ''For starters, this store is evil and I think we should salt and burn it right now.''

Sam sighed. ''And why is that?''

He jumped when the curtain was yanked back harshly, stumbling away. And then Ruby stepped out and....Sam wasn't sure how long he could keep his composure. ''This is why,'' she snarled viciously, picking at the fabric.

Sam didn't say anything for a moment, mostly because he had no clue what to say to that, but then he cleared his throat awkwardly and shrugged. ''It's not....that bad,'' he offered lamely.

''It's hideous, Sam. It's pink.'' She was actually pouting now as she looked down at the dress. ''And frilly.''

''Ruby!'' Dean's voice called from across the store, laced with humor. ''You look ridiculous!''

Sam let out another long suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. ''Yeah, she's the one who looks ridiculous,'' he mumbled as he watched Dean put a different hat on his head. One with a stork on it.

''I look like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol.''

''Well, yeah.''

''I don't think you look like a giant bottle of pepto bismal,'' Dean said as he came to stand next to Sam. ''I think you look like a giant marshmallow peep.'' He grinned, eyes flashing with a type of lust that was very inappropriate. ''Good enough to eat.''

''Ew,'' Sam grumbled.

''Do you know what I think you look like?'' Ruby inquired, smiling brightly. ''A jackass.''

''Dean,'' a new voice spoke up and all three of them jumped, turning around to face Castiel, who was staring at Dean with something that was either horror or curiosity. It was hard to tell with him. ''Are you aware that there seems to be a large bird on your head?''

Dean rolled his eyes and snatched the hat off his head. ''It's not real, Cas. See,'' he waved it in the angel's face. He stopped, of course, when Castiel shot him an extremely unimpressed look. Blinking, he turned to Ruby with a lopsided grin. ''I want this,'' he stated simply, holding up the hat. ''It's whimsical.''

''It's idiotic. Put it back.''

''You're not the boss of me.''

She sighed patiently and crossed her arms, locking eyes with him. After a moment of her staring at him, he sighed out a ''Fine'' and tossed the hat onto Sam's vacated chair.

Ruby grinned in triumph and then turned her eyes to address Castiel because he was staring at her and it was freaking her out a little. ''What? You're not going to ask me why I'm wearing this?''

''I assumed it was a costume.''

''It's not.''

''Well, it is a very unflattering shade of pink for your complexion.'' He cocked his head to the side, studied her and then reached over to a nearby rack of dresses and retrieved a blue dress that didn't actually look half bad....for a dress. ''You should try this one. It will bring out the blue in your eyes.''

She blinked, unsure if she should be grateful he was trying to help or frightened that he seemed to know what would bring out her eyes. ''I....uh...'' She blinked again and slowly reached out to take the dress. ''Thanks.''

''That was odd,'' Dean remarked, sending a sidelong glance towards his friend. ''Have you been reading Cosmo again, Cas?''

The tilt of his head and the confusion in Castiel's eyes told Dean that, yeah, the angel had really no idea what he was talking about. So, basically, business as usual then. ''I don't understand that reference,'' he said simply.

''Hi!'' The sound of the perky (and quite loud) voice startled everyone but Castiel, and Sam ended up stumbling backwards right into Dean, who then fell into Castiel, who blinked and reached out to steady them both. Ruby looked like she wanted to say something to the three stooges, but decided against it and turned to the overly cheerful saleswoman, with a tight smile. ''Can I help you with anything?'' The woman asked, flicking her brunette hair. Upon noticing Ruby's dress, her smile widened even more, if that was possible. ''Oh, wow! Don't you look adorable!''

Ruby's tight smile faded and she whipped around to face Dean, eyes flashing onyx. ''Dean, she said I look adorable,'' she hissed. ''Can I kill her?''

''No,'' he said with conviction. ''No violence.'' He cleared his throat and looked at the floor. ''At least not in public,'' he added under his breath.

The saleswoman - whose nametag (which was covered in pictures of storks and rubber ducks) read Josie - didn't seem to notice any of what had just happened. Her wide, cheerful eyes were too focused on Ruby's stomach. ''Aww,'' she cooed. ''Congratulations! When is the blessed event?'' She reached out to touch Ruby's stomach (because apparently when you get yourself knocked up, your stomach becomes public property) but seconds before she made contact, a firm hand grabbed her wrist, earning a surprised gasp from the woman.

Castiel shook his head at her, with that slightly unnerving expression on his face. ''If you value your safety, you should wisely retract your hand.''

''He's right,'' Sam nodded. ''She's dangerous.''

Ruby scowled at him in response, but didn't say anything as she crossed her arms over her stomach like she was trying to protect it from grabby hands.

''Oh, don't scowl,'' Dean drawled, slinging an arm around her shoulders. ''I like that you're dangerous. It makes you hot.''

Josie the saleswoman cleared her throat awkwardly, blushing as she took Castiel's advice and wisely retracted her hand. ''Yes, well...do you need any help with anything?''

Ruby frowned curiously and leaned forwards slightly. ''Do you have any clothes for normal people?''

''E-Excuse me?''

''You know, clothes that aren't ugly.''

''I, uh - ''

''I mean, really,'' Ruby shrugged Dean's arm off and made her way over to a nearby rack of clothing, poking through the articles with disgust on her face. ''Does anyone actually wear this crap?''

Upon seeing the slightly alarmed look on Josie's face, Sam cleverly stepped in between the two women, smiling that same gentle smile that he usually reserved for Dean Damage Control. ''I think we're fine for now,'' he glanced at her nametag, ''Josie. We'll let you know if we need you though.''

Looking flustered and a little angry, she nodded curtly, spun on her heel and walked away with a ''humph'' that was probably directed towards Ruby and her hatred for everything cutesie.

And then Sam groaned and dropped his head into his hands, shaking his head like he couldn't believe he was stuck with Mr and Mrs Wacked-In-The-Head for the rest of his life. Before he could say anything, however, Dean laughed loudly and picked up a t-shirt, holding it out to Ruby. ''I think you should get this.'' He glanced at it with a wide grin. ''Look, it even has an arrow pointing to - ''

''Would you like me to tell you what I really, really need?'' She interrupted, taking a step towards him, eyes narrowed. ''I need an I'm with Stupid shirt,'' she seethed, jabbing him in the chest. ''You big idiot. Honestly, can you act like an adult for one second, Dean? Please? How am I supposed to raise a child? I already have a big baby for a...a....oh, whatever you are to me!''

Instead of taking offense, he smirked and wrapped his fingers around her hand, pulling it away from him. ''Well, hello hormones.''

''Ugh!'' With a heated glare, she hit his chest and turned around to stomp away from him, only to run straight into Castiel, who now had an armload of clothes in his hands. Her eyes widened slightly and she opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off.

''These will fit you,'' he said. ''And they're not the style of clothing you are so aggressively opposed to.''

That was when the pregnancy hormones really decided to kick in. Instantly, she burst into tears (her abrupt mood change honestly kind of freaked them all out a little), rushing forwards and wrapping her arms around the angel tightly. While she mumbled something about how sweet and considerate he was through her noisy sniffles, Castiel shot a look towards Dean that could only be described as pleading.

All Dean did in response was smirk and put his hands on his hips. ''Now,'' he started, ''should I be jealous? You're not planning on stealin' my woman, are you, Cas?'' Without waiting for an answer, he chuckled, sat down in Sam's vacant chair and picked up the ugly stork hat, putting it back on his head.

Sam stared open mouthed for a moment, looking in between them all with something like horror on his face. His life was definitely not normal. It was....the opposite of normal. It was....downright fucking weird. ''Does anyone else feel like we're in the middle of a screwball comedy?''

''Nope,'' Dean shrugged, grinning from underneath the hat as Ruby slowly pulled away from Castiel and wiped at her eyes with a scowl. ''You're the only one, dude.''

For a few seconds, Sam stared, opened and closed his mouth like a fish and tried to find something to say. But then he gave up and sank into another available chair, shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose again because he could feel a headache coming on. Fast. ''Sometimes,'' he muttered under his breath. ''I swear my life needs a laugh track.''

Yeah.

Sometimes it really did.

end