Chapter 13: Past, Present and Future

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This chapter corresponds to 'Make Haste, My Beloved', Chapter 12.

Sunday, October 16th, 2005, 5AM,

Dear Renesmee,

I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long. Adjusting to the changes in life has been more of a challenge than I anticipated, the days fly by and I suddenly realize time has passed. Plus, I didn't quite know what to tell you about the terrible things Caius has done. Suffice it to say, the Allied Covens are combatting his evil, dirty tricks.

Your mother and I have now been in college a month and we've made some good friends. My tutor, Morty, is now a Newborn. He woke up yesterday with a smile and is now presumably halfway to our compound in the western Amazon. Auntie Alice and Uncle Jazz are chaperoning him. It wouldn't do for him to eat any of our precious Ticuna. He was an excellent man and I expect him to be an upstanding Vegetarian.

Nahuel is standing in for me as leader of the Amazon Coven. I like him. He has character. While Jasper's down there, he's going to teach Nahuel some stuff about mounting a defense. We've lost a wonderful person –Cousin Irina. We also lost forty Ticuna from the village near Manacapuru. I don't want to lose anyone else. We must stop Caius, and soon.

Life is most certainly not dull at Dartmouth College. I can't wait to discuss everything with Carlisle. I sent him and Esme a message a couple of hours ago, just to tell them I loved them. They haven't responded yet, but I know what they'll say.

I'm enclosing a picture of Bella and me wearing our bratty matching pregnancy t-shirts. I look like a sappy date, but doesn't she look stunning? Her hair is longer, thicker, and wavier than it was a month ago and it just shines. And, oh boy, is she strong and graceful! She took down a female Trad all by herself last week without even getting a hair out of place. Adjusting to Durabella isn't the easiest thing, but I am so proud of her.

Mommy's now the equivalent of seven months pregnant. In only a little over a month, you'll be here. It's hard to believe how fast things are changing. Bella's tummy now measures 29 inches from the pubic bone to the fundus, which is a tiny bit larger than we'd expect, but nothing to make us think your due date is off.

Now, what about you? This will probably be the only time in your life that I'll tell you you're gaining weight so don't bug me about it. Babies triple their weight in the last trimester and you're taking up a lot more room. You weigh about two-and-a-half pounds and you're sixteen inches long (imagine that!). Mommy's not really happy about your size sometimes. You can get really restless. You can reach her ribs when you kick and although she doesn't complain about it to me, she gets tired. Also, she can cry at the drop of a hat. Don't tell her I said that, please. I want to live.

You're skin's beginning to get thicker and it now has pigment. Do you know what's really great? In the night, you opened your eyes and I could See you through them. I think I'm going to start to try and describe what you're seeing, so you can put a name to things (assuming that it doesn't drive Bella nuts. The last thing I need to do right now is annoy her. If she cries over something I do, I'll probably put myself in her chipper shredder). I can tell that your skin is also starting to get slippery with vernix. That's fatty stuff that will protect your skin and help you pass through the birth canal more easily.

Your nostrils are now open, too, and I can hear you breathing the amnion. How great is that! Your tiny lungs actually work!

You're fascinated with your fingers. And why wouldn't you be? They're beautiful. I could stare at them all day if you'd only stay awake (Mommy wouldn't like that very much, though. You dance around a lot).

Bella's exhausted tonight and that's my fault. We've been in Chicago since Friday night. That evening, at the hotel, I was nervous about going back to the house where I was born and she tried her best to distract me by asking questions and-

Sorry, I was about to give you TMI.

We spent several hours at the house in Lincoln Park yesterday and I tried to settle some things regarding my past. I may never know what I did to anger my father, but I think I've taken some steps to ensure that my future (and yours) is not tethered to traumatic events from 1918.

First, I addressed the problem aloud 'with' my father. I told him what I remembered and how badly his anger has scarred me. Second, I told him that I'll never make you fear me or any object I might hold in my hands. And third, I stated that I will never allow you to doubt my love. You can hold me to that. At the end of my talk, with your mom's support, I burned the belt with which he injured me and I said goodbye to him. I wonder if I'll ever speak to him again before I reach Heaven.

I hope I can think of nice things to tell him. Maybe sometime, I'll tell him about you.

I'm turning the Masen house into a refuge for abused women and children. Bella suggested it and I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm going to speak to Auntie Rose about it as soon as we get back to Hanover. Caring for women and children in distress is of special interest to her and Uncle Em. I know her ideas will be outstanding.

Bella's asleep right now. Happily, it's supposed to rain today so we'll be able to go sightseeing. She said she wants me to show her 'my' Chicago. That means we'll be going to some places I haven't seen since I was a boy. They will have changed so much. I expect the height of the trees of Lincoln Park is going to astound me. Besides that, I'm especially curious to see the Museum of Science and Technology, which was originally the main building at the World Expositions (Father took me when I was six and fourteen). I've also managed to get tickets to tonight's ball game. I may buy a box of Crackerjack for old time's sake.

Your mom's heartbeat just quickened and that means she's about to wake up. I'll catch up with you later, okay peanut? Maybe tonight, I'll tell you all about our day.

I'm not going to worry about the past anymore, insofar as I'm able. "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love (I Corinthians 13:12-13)."

It's hard for me to believe that I could possibly love you more than I do now, but that is the reality.

Love abides forever.