Hippies are so cute. ;_;
Yes, this is a slashfic, meaning a written portrayal of a relationship between two characters. This one just happens to be rather homoerotic. :D
I've been, legit, writing this fic for over a year after I first read Schooled. I struggled with it horribly, kind of just getting lost in what to write and giving up a lot. When I finished it, I nearly died of joy.
I don't know what possessed me to drive to Cap's condo. And I don't know what possessed me to knock on his door, waiting patiently outside with no intention or reason. I was just there.
He opened the door with little to no hesitation. There was something that was new to me.
"Zach? What's wrong?" Hippie-boy wasn't wearing a shirt. He was lean, no real muscle, no fat at all. I was surprised I didn't see his ribs, really. I guess it was kind of weird I was putting so much focus more into his body than trying to conceive a reason of me being at his place.
I wanted to reach out and hug him, or something, or maybe punch him in the face and watch blood drip from his nose down on his pale face, making small drips and splatters on the carpet. I honestly wouldn't mind either of those happening.
"Come in. Rain isn't home, but I'm sure she won't mind one of my friends over," he greeted openly, moving aside to let me come in. "Also, take your shoes off, please."
Being polite, I kicked my shoes off at the front door, walking in and letting my sock-covered feet feel the softness of the carpet. I heard him close the door gently behind me.
"Do you want anything to drink? We have tea, freshly squeezed juice...um, we've got orange, carrot, tomato..." He went off the list at the top of his head, counting off with his fingers. It was sort of cute, in a childish sort of way.
I shook my head. "I just...I don't know why I'm here..."
"Destiny must've led you here, Zach. You have a purpose for being here. It must be important." He was so serious. I expected him to crack a smile or something to show he was just joking. Something, just one indication, that of all the years of knowing him as the way he was just was a practical joke on all of us. No. Once again he was perfectly serious, perfectly painfully earnest, just as we all knew him to be,
"Can I...we...go to your room?" I asked. Short and sweet. Perhaps I could've wrapped my hands around that thin neck and watch the life drain from his eyes while I reached into those hippie shorts of his and jerk him off. I wondered if dead guys could get hard? As long as their blood was still pumping for the few hours their heart still works after death, I'm guess. I'm not that sure. I never really paid attention in biology.
He nodded swiftly, a smile showing how glad he was to play host. I followed him through the small hallway. I was afraid for what I'd find in there. Perhaps all kinds of dried flowers, herbs, a bed made out of tree bark...actually, his room was pretty plain. I saw a few school are projects here and there, and his bed in the middle of the room, but that was about it.
"Can I sit...on your bed, I mean?" I asked, trying to be as polite as possible without being too fake. I still couldn't decide if I wanted to kiss him or punch him. To smash in that pale nose to hear a satisfying crack of a broken nose, or to take a handful of that beautiful sand-colored hair and pull him close to me and just let him now of how difficult it was to even breathe anymore.
He smiled again, with such a childhood innocence glowing from the dimples in his pale cheeks. "Of course. I don't mind. Make yourself comfortable, Zach. Uh, su casa es mi casa!" He needed to work on his Spanish. I smiled at the small mix up of words.
I sat on the bed, expecting it to creak or make some sort of noise, but it was quiet; uncomfortably, awkwardly quiet. At least for me, anyway. Cap looked perfectly content and open.
He sat down next to me, giving me his full attention like a therapist, or even more frightening, Oprah.
"I hear you and Naomi aren't going out anymore." I'm glad I started such a serious conversation with something about his ex-girlfriend, because we all know that bringing up exes is a good thing, right?
"Going out? We all go out every day, Zach. We don't stay inside all day."
I smiled, almost breaking down into an insane fit of laughter. I felt a little better. He was so adorably naive. "I meant stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend. Why?"
He looked down at his bare toes and shrugged. His toe nudged against the nightstand, and then he began playing with one of the nightstand's drawer handles with his big toe. "She's a really pretty girl. Really nice, too. And she made me laugh and always had something interesting to say, but I just don't see me being with her. Last week we tried having sex for the first time, but it didn't work out. I told her how I felt that I couldn't see myself with her like that. I made her cry. I felt terrible."
I tried to imagine Cap having a normal sex life with some normal girl. It seemed impossible. I could see why Naomi couldn't strike his fancy. She was too normal for him.
"And so we decided, mutually, that if one of us cannot be satisfied, then neither of us can be satisfied." He looked up at me with those innocent eyes. "But Rain always said I can have sex with whoever I want to, not to limit my love. Love should be free, and I agree, but I also want to choose who I make love to," He looked up at the ceiling. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
"Anyone in mind?" I asked casually. Boy, was I being really bold and mostly nosy.
He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess the topic of sex is really confusing, I never really can decide if I want to be with someone like that or not. I'm always changing my mind about certain people."
I sighed. I knew exactly what he was talking about. "I know what you mean. There's this one person, and it's just difficult for me to express my feelings to them. I mean, I can just never decide if I want to hold a pillow to his face until he stops breathing, or kiss him until he's out of breath." And then I noticed my simple mistake of letting it slip out that my object of desire is, indeed, one of the male gender. I should've gotten the award for biggest mongoloid at that point.
"Him, huh?" Cap asked. He smiled at me.
I smacked my own forehead. "I didn't mean to say 'him'."
He shook his head. "It's alright, Zach. I've thought about hims, too. Don't worry. There's nothing wrong with equal love. We're all just a soul and beating heart, Zach. Love shouldn't mean anything different between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman. It's still love, either way."
With the relief beginning to set in came new fear. What if he were to tell his friends? Somehow, though, the thought pushed away. There was the underlying instinct that I could trust Cap with anything I told him. Still, I felt ready to bash his skull in until he forgot the whole ordeal, or even bash it in until he forgot us ever meeting to begin with. There were times I even wished to forget him completely, kind of like in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.
"But even if there's unsureness, I'm pretty sure killing him wouldn't make things better, Zach." He could see how pensive I was, and his porcelain eyes, those of a doll's, looked up at me. His pale lashes casted their tiny shadows over his pupils and his irises, which I could only compare to a cloudless summer morning. And the two doll-like orbs were laden with the most nauseating look of concern. I felt disgusted with myself, making him worry over me so earnestly, while I was there with no intention or reason to begin with.
"Cap, I love him. And I hate him. He ruined my life all because I was such an arrogant and pompous ass, and he was just too nice, too oblivious. In the end, it was all my fucking fault, wasn't it?!" I was the most pathetic sight. I was yelling like a fucking head case.
He surprised me. He didn't look frightened. He only, somehow, looked more understanding. His smile was subtle, one that could comfort anyone lamenting. Like an angel, he took me into his arms without any sort of judgment. The soft hair that flowed down from his head pressed lightly against my cheeks. Oh God, I was able to smell it. It smelled of nature, of herbs, as I expected. I even smelt a tinge of marijuana mixed in with oranges and lime.
"It was no one's fault, whatever happened," he whispered to me, comforting me as if I were a child, "It's just the way things happened, Zach."
I choked out a sob. I was a lamenting child, in his arms so defenseless and open for the first time in years. It made me think. Why do we grow up so cold and tough, when something like that felt a lot more warm and comforting.
"Shh," He whispered. I was brought back to a time before my parents were divorced. I was five. Dad yelled at me for unplugging his TV accidentally during the Super Bowl. I remember mom told him to calm down, and took me into the kitchen. I sobbed as she put me on her lap and gave me a big hug, singing songs in German so quietly that only she and I could hear them.
"Why can't I be happy like you are, Cap?" I asked.
"Because I know there are always good things to look forward to, Zach."
I broke the hug, and stared into his green eyes. "Good things? Like this?" I grabbed his chin with my fingers, and brought him towards me. Our lips brushed nervously, but then I made myself focus and pressed my lips against his. It was an innocent kiss. Our lips met firmly, no deeper then that. I pulled away, not saying anything. I wanted him to say something first.
"You know, I always imagined your lips to be smoother. They were pretty chapped." He chuckled at me.
I smiled, relieved. "Shut up," I joked.
We kissed again, several times, eventually getting into a deeper kiss. It was weird. He smelled like beach and his room smelled like trees. Weird nature-like observations, I know, but that's all I really noticed.
We didn't get too far, all we did was kiss and hug and say some really pointless things to each other, but, it was weirdly nice. I'd be lying, though, if I said I still didn't think of ringing his neck while we were kissing. It would've been so easy, too, but I was going to push out all the hate in me and turn it into to love.