A fanfic that attempts to push the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...

Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)

01: Dangerous Café

A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years

Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...


[Cosplay Café, 1:00 pm]

On what seems to be a seemingly normal Saturday afternoon, Hiyori Tamura and Konata Izumi are wearing their Cosplay outfits, waiting for customers for the Cosplay Café.

"Konata-sempai. I really appreciate your help in talking to your boss to give me this job," said Hiyori. "With the bad economy, it's hard to earn money off the Doujins I make and my allowance isn't enough to support my inspirations with the money being tight at home."

Konata nods. "Thank you, but I must warn you, Hiyorin. Ever since the Recession, working in this Cosplay Café is not as easy as you think. I can understand if you're skeptical, but once you start working here, you will see the dark side of Akihabara because many Otakus have lost jobs and they are getting desperate to get what they want at any cost. It's true. Check the news."

Konata walks to a TV and switched it on. It just happened to be the news on TV...

Newsreader: "New statistics from the United Nations show that Akihabara is now considered the 2nd most dangerous place in Japan. Experts blame the rise in violence and crimes in the area on the Credit Crunch."

Hiyori stared wide-eyed at the TV. "But this is an honest Cosplay Café. I doubt a desperate Otaku could become dangerous in a place like this..."

Suddenly, a man bursts in to the café, surprising everyone inside. The angry man points at Konata. "You (beep)! This is all your (beep)ing fault!"

Konata is confused. "I don't understand. You're one of our regular customers here. What have I done to offend you?"

The man glares at Konata. "My girlfriend has left me! Because of that I lost my job! All because of that (beep)ing picture of you in my phone!"

[Flashback]

The man's girlfriend looked at his cell phone and finds a picture of Konata in her Cosplay outfit. "You (beep)! I knew it. You're a Lolicon and a (beep)ing Pedophile!"

The man tries to rectify the misunderstanding. "But she's eighteen! She just happened to be short and have a flat chest!"

The girlfriend refuses to listen to him. "Liar! Now I know the truth and how much of a freak you are! I've tolerated you being an Otaku for a long time, but this is the last straw!"

"But..."

"You took that photo just to (beep) me off! I'm leaving and don't follow me!"

"But I love you!"

The angry (now) ex-girlfriend flips the bird at the Otaku. "(Beep) off! I've had it with you and your Otaku ways! Go and live with your jailbait lover!"

[End Flashback]

The Otaku hurls a bunch of colorful words at Konata before grabbing her by the neck to strangle Konata. Konata desperately tries to fight off the violent Otaku. With some quick thinking, Konata grabs a PS2 Controller and using it as her only available weapon, Konata used the controller to beat her attacker in the head a few times as Hiyori watched. Konata easily subdues the man with a few more strategic strikes with the PS2 controller, knocking the Otaku into unconsciousness.

Konata looks at Hiyori. "Now do you believe me, Hiyorin? This is what I wanted to warn you about."

Konata's Boss looks down at fallen Otaku. "Tsk tsk. Why are the ones who are so obsessive end up becoming violent ones?"

Konata simply nods. "Don't blame him, Satoshi. He has his fair share of personal problems at home."

"I'll drag him outside. He'll scare away the customers if he's left in here." Satoshi drags the body by the legs out of the cafe.

Hiyori notices that someone is missing. "Where's Patty?"

"Satoshi gave her the day off," said Konata.


[Akihabara, 1:30 pm]

"Konata-Sempai will be so jealous once I show her my new Limited Edition Haruhi DVD from Satoshi!"

Patricia Martin is walking down a street towards the Train Station when a green-haired man grabs Patricia and puts a gun pointed at her head.

"Don't (beep)ing move, girl!" yelled the Criminal.

Suddenly, the cops appear, surrounding the criminal and his hostage. The lead detective stood forward. "Let her go, Kenji!"

"Back off, Detective Ichijouji! I'll blow the foreigner's brains out if you don't!" Kenji screamed. "And I'll do it!"

Detective Ichijouji has his gun aimed at the criminal. "I guess I have no choice." The detective picks up his Walkie-Talkie. "Code Blue, Team Rocket has got Pikachu. I repeat, Team Rocket has got Pikachu."

A group of specially armed Police Officers of the Special Response Unit are on the roof of one of the buildings in Akihabara with a Sniper aiming her rifle at Kenji's head. The Sniper receives the message. "Riza here. Code Blue confirmed! I'll make sure it's a clean one."

Riza fires the rifle. From the bullet's POV, the bullet flies over the other officers towards Kenji's forehead as he continues to holds Patricia hostage...


Back at the Cosplay Café, no customers have arrived, so Satoshi, Konata and Hiyori are watching the TV to kill some time while waiting for Customers.

Newsreader: "In tonight's news, questions are being asked in the Diet about a secret joint US-Japanese Radar Base in Saitama. And panic across the country as UFO sightings has reached epidemic proportions."

"Do you believe in Aliens, Konata-sempai?" asked Hiyori.

"It depends on what type of aliens you're talking about. If it's those cutesy aliens in Children's Anime, I wouldn't mind hugging one of them. If it's those angry, monstrous ones from those action/horror Animes, it would be cool to fight them. But if it's those with the tentacles..."

Satoshi coughs. "It would be nice if you keep it PG-13 if you value your job here, Konata."

Konata apologizes. "Sorry. Still, wouldn't it be nice to meet real aliens?"


[Ryouou High School Basement, 1:58 pm]

Meanwhile, in an underground command center under the School, an American Man in Black is with schoolteacher Hikaru Sakuraba watching scientists are working on computers linked to the Radars in Saitama scanning the skies for UFOs.

The Man in Black nods at Sakuraba. "Miss Sakuraba, the American Government would like to take this opportunity to extend its gratitude for your cooperation in this joint American and Chinese Project."

Lots of eyebrows are raised as everyone in the room looked at the Man in Black. Sakuraba then said, "You mean Japanese, not Chinese, right?"

The Man in Black shrugged. "Chinese, Japanese. What's the difference?"


[Patty's Apartment Building, 2:00 pm]

Patty enters the apartment building in tears, surprisingly she is clean despite the fact that the hostage taker was shot in the head. However, the Limited Edition Haruhi DVD case wasn't so lucky...

"My Limited Edition Haruhi DVD is now covered in blood," Patty cried as she tries to wipe the blood of the DVD case with a handkerchief. "What a day to spend my day off..."

Patty enters the lift and pressed the button to her floor. On the way up, to Patty's surprise five Naruto Cosplayers enter the lift and crowd around Patty. Patty could not believe her luck. For the first time during her stay in Japan, she learns that there are Cosplayers in her apartment building. Patty inwardly cheered.

'This is so awesome. There are Cosplayers living in this building. I wonder what they're like.'

Suddenly, the lift doors open and four Cosplayers dressed as Dragon Ball Z's Goku enter the lift. The two different groups of Cosplayers are now glaring at each other as the lift continued moving upwards. If this situation takes place in an Anime, Patty knows that there will be a sweat drop on her head.

'On second thought, if these Cosplayers hate each other, it's best if I avoid them.'

From push comes to shove, followed by punches being traded between rival Cosplayers. As the lift reached Patty's floor, the brawl between the Cosplayers spill out of the lift as Patty runs out of the lift for her life. The fight between the Naruto and Goku Cosplayers is even, despite the 5-4 ratio in favor to the Naruto Cosplayers. Three Naruto Cosplayers take turns punching a Goku Cosplayer's face. One Naruto Cosplayer lands a head butt on a Goku Cosplayer while landing an elbow strike at another Goku Cosplayer. The fourth Goku Cosplayer knees a Naruto Cosplayer in the groin. As Patty tries to sneak away from the fight, one of the Naruto Cosplayers snatches Patty's Limited Edition Haruhi DVD Case off her hands.

"My Limited Edition Haruhi DVD!" screams Patty.

The Naruto Cosplayer throws the DVD case like a Frisbee. The spinning Haruhi DVD case flies towards the brawling Cosplayers and the DVD case strikes each of remaining eight Cosplayers by bouncing off their faces, regardless of whether they are a Naruto Cosplayer or a Goku Cosplayer...


[Cosplay Café, 2:30 PM]

Back at the Cosplay Café, there are still no Customers, so the staff continued to watch the news on TV.

[JNN News Update]

Newsreader: "Police Commissioner Uchiha has announced tough new anti-crime laws..."

Police Commissioner Fugaku Uchiha is at a press conference.

"I would like to announce a new commission into High-Ranking Police Officials taking advantage of their positions. It is called the 'Independent Commission RegulAting coRruption', also known as ICRAP so that we can assure the public that they can have confidence in us."

[Police Commissioner announces ICRAP Commission]

"Also, I would like to announce a 50% Pay Rise to all High-Ranking Police Officials, including me. Thank you." Commissioner Uchiha quickly leaves the Press Conference.

Konata shakes her head as she watched the news report. "I can assure you that Yui-Neesan didn't vote for him to be commissioner. Ever since he became Commissioner, everything has gone to hell."

Patty enters the Cosplay Café with her bloodied and battered Limited Edition Haruhi DVD Copy. "Satoshi, I think this DVD is cursed. It has been giving me bad luck ever since you passed it to me. First, I was in a hostage situation in Akihabara and a sniper shot the guy, covering the DVD in blood. Next, when I got back home, I ended up in a brawl between two rival groups of Cosplayers. Not to mention that someone used my DVD to hit eight Cosplayers like a Frisbee!"

Both Konata and Hiyori run up to Patty, hoping to hear more of Patty's tale. "Tell us more!"

Patty demeanor changes at the chance to tell her story. "Sure thing." Patty looks at Satoshi. "By the way, did you know that you left the sign as 'Closed' on the cafe entrance?"

Satoshi groaned. "Damn, I knew I forgot something when I dragged that guy out. I guess that explains why we haven't been getting any customers."

Patty raised her hand. "Satoshi, is it alright if I can postpone my day off? I don't feel safe going back home after that brawl at my apartment block."

Satoshi simply shrugs as he changed the sign on the door. "Why not? You can show your friend Hiyori the ropes while I plan next week's Cosplay Theme and Menus." Satoshi walks into his office, mumbling, "I wonder if a Type-Moon Theme next week would work if I can hire those friends Konata always talk about as temps..."

Once Satoshi is in his office, Hiyori decides to take the chance to ask Patty some questions before work gets busy.

"Patty, I would have expected the owner of this place to be a bit older."

"Satoshi is in his twenties," Patty explains. "His father was the original owner of this Café before an unfortunate accident."

"Really? What happened?"

Konata joins in on the conversation. "Well, Katsumoto-san tried to steal cable from his neighbor because he picked a fight with the cable company over the Premium Anime Channel. He's still alive, but he developed a fear of heights from the incident, so Satoshi took over the business to take the pressure off..."


[After Work, 6:53 pm]

Satoshi switched the sign to 'Closed', fully knowing that Saturday nights at Akihabara are usually filled with the dangerous and potentially insane Otakus.

Hiyori, Konata and Patty are sitting at a table eating one of the cakes from the kitchen.

Konata eats the cake. "Luckily we were able to salvage a bit today."

Hiyori couldn't believe the taste of the cake. "I never thought I would say this, but this cake is heavenly."

"Kagami said the same thing, before she tried to correct herself," said Konata. "But she'll be back for more."

"Who made this cake?" Hiyori asks as she finished the cake.

Satoshi smiled as he switched off the game consoles. "Most of the kitchen stuff is my work. My role here is to handle the food and games, while you girls bring the customers and get them to enjoy the stuff. Ever since I took over the business, I've been living my Number Three Dream..."

"Number Three? What are number one and two?"

Satoshi counts his dreams. "My number one dream is World Domination, which is obviously not possible any time soon. Number two was already accomplished but I realized how expensive it was after a week. Number three is running a Cosplay Café with a bunch of awesome girls."

An awkward silence follows. Before it could get anymore awkward, Hiyori decides to break the silence. "Wow, I didn't think anyone would have such ambition in this day and age."


[Satoshi's Car, 8:23 pm]

As Satoshi is driving his car towards the Saitama Prefecture, he turns on the radio...

Newsreader: "In Breaking News, another suicide attempt has occurred at Akihabara Train Station, causing massive delays on all trains heading towards the Saitama Prefecture. Experts blame the recent jump in Otaku Suicides and Otaku Violence on the introduction of the new Otaku Tax which charges a 10% tax to every Anime, Manga and Video Game-related product sold in Japan as part of the Government's project to rebuild our economy, named 'Operation Revenue Raising'..."

Konata is sitting in the passenger seat. "I'm really sorry if I'm imposing on you by taking me home..."

"That's alright," said Satoshi. "I have a girlfriend who lives in Saitama City, so I think I should pay her a surprise visit."

Konata notices a familiar purple-hair girl running into a nearby park.

"Hey, that's Kagami..."

Konata then notices that Kagami is being pursued by three men dressed as ninjas. "Are those ninjas chasing after your friend?"

Satoshi stops the car. "Should we help her?"

In the park, Kagami is using her book bag to fight off the three ninjas' swords.

"Come on, Hiiragi-san. All we want is to see you in your Miko outfit!"

Kagami could only stare in disbelief at the ninjas. "And you perverts invaded my home just for that?"

At that instant, Konata and Satoshi ran into the park. Konata lands a powerful kick at one attacker's face; Satoshi punches another ninja in the face while Kagami swings her bag at the third ninja, hitting him in the head using the weight of the textbooks in the bag. All three ninjas were taken down in that instant and Kagami is rescued.

Konata runs to Kagami. "Kagami, why are these ninjas chasing you?"


[Flashback]

It was already dark as Kagami walked home after a tiring study session with her classmates Misao and Ayano.

'I can't believe it took me two hours to tell Kusababe where she has gone wrong in her work. Not to mention that big delay because of some idiot wanting to commit suicide by trying to jump in front of the train. At least I've safely made it home...' Kagami noticed that the front door is left open.

"That's odd. Who would leave the front door open?"

[Seemingly Empty Hiiragi Residence, 8:21pm]

Kagami enters the house to find it seemingly empty. "Mom and Dad should still be on their holiday. I don't think they'll be back this early." Kagami checked the kitchen to see if her sisters are there. Strangely, it's empty.

"Tsukasa? Matsuri? Inori? Where are you guys? If you're planning a surprise party for Mom and Dad, it's a bit too early for that..."

Kagami entered the living room to find Tsukasa, Matsuri and Inori tied up, wearing their Miko outfits. It turns out that Kagami has stumbled upon a home invasion and the home invaders are three ninjas holding swords.

"You can't be serious," Kagami mumbled. "If Konata is here, she would say that this is like the opening scene of a (beep) Doujin..."

The three ninjas screamed as they waved their swords over their heads...

[End Flashback]


Kagami checks the damage on her book bag. "They're perverts who wanted me to dress up as a Miko because I live at a shrine, not to mention forcing Tsukasa and my Sisters to wear their outfits and tying them up. And to think that they're regular visitors to the Shrine. Now I know they're like you and your Father..."

"Blame the Recession for turning them into the perverts they are." Konata rubs her chin. "They must be getting really desperate for some Hot Miko Action..."

Kagami slaps her forehead. "Even when it's something as serious as almost getting raped, you still have the time to compare my close call to the idea to the Doujins you read..." She notices Satoshi. "Konata, who is he?"

Konata looks at Satoshi. "He's my Boss from the Cosplay Café and he was giving me a lift home since the Train Lines are delayed because of that Suicidal Otaku in Akihabara."

Kagami does a short bow to her other savior. "I guess I should thank you for saving me from my unfortunate fate with these perverts."

"No problem." Satoshi looks at Konata. "You think you can make it back home from here or do you want me to drive you back?"

"I know this area well. I can catch the train from the nearby Station back to my place. Besides, don't you have someone important to visit?"

Satoshi nods. "Good point."


[Izumi Residence, 9:15 pm]

After a tiring day, Konata enters her room to find a completely drunk Yui lying on Konata's bed.

"What is Yui-Neesan doing on my bed?"

Yutaka walks into the room. "Nee-san was at a party earlier and she had to leave early because she drank a lot. She came here to give you a new PS3 game she won at the party but she was too drunk so she passed out on your bed."

Konata's demeanor changed. "On second thought, I'll reserve my judgment until I see the game Yui-Neesan won for me. Where is it?"

"I think it was still in her car, Konata-Neesan," answered Yutaka.

Konata exits her house and walks to Yui's Blue Subaru. She checks inside the car for the game Yui bought for her. "Ah! Found it!"

Suddenly, Konata could feel the car shake as a bright light engulf the car. "What the (beep)?"

The Blue Subaru is suddenly pulled upwards towards a bright light from a UFO...


[Ryouou High School Underground Command Center, 10:28 pm]

The Man in Black and Sakuraba are watching the large radar map when a small blip appeared.

"There's Alien Activity over Saitama," said the Man in Black. "I knew that $10 Million paid by American Taxpayers would be worth it."

Sakuraba raised an eyebrow at that comment.

[End of Chapter 01. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]


[Cast:]

[Cosplay Café Staff:]
Konata Izumi - Konata

Patricia Martin - Patty

Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori

Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner

[Lucky Star Characters:]
Hikaru Sakuraba - Biology Teacher/Scientist

Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere

Tsukasa Hiiragi - Twin Sister

Matsuri Hiiragi - Big Sister

Inori Hiiragi - Eldest Sister

Yui Narumi - Drunk

Yutaka Kobayakawa - Konata's Cousin

[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]
Eriol Hiragizawa - Newsreader
Koushiro Izumi - Furious Otaku
Mimi Tachikawa - Otaku's Girlfriend
Tracey Sketchit - Kenji
Ken Ichijouji - PlainClothes Detective
Riza Hawkeye - Sniper
Fugaku Uchiha - Police Commissioner
Max Mizuhara - Man in Black

Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team for providing the Police Officers, Naruto Cosplayers, Goku Cosplayers and Three Ninja Otakus.


Author's End Note:

My first proper Lucky Star fanfic and it's already as insane as 'Konata Izumi: Japanese President'. The huge difficulty in working on this fanfic is trying to keep the attention on the Lucky Star Cast, especially when a lot of outlandish things are happening around the characters while trying to keep the Lucky Star charm.

I've seen enough fanfics bringing in male characters via the 'New Transfer Student to Ryouou' Route. I'm using the 'Young and Handsome Cosplay Café Boss' Route to bring in the male character.

Oh, and as an additional note, the 'Young and Handsome' Cosplay Café Boss is not an OC. He is a character from another Anime series brought in to act as a Male Protagonist among a huge cast of females in this fanfic. He may be OOC but try to guess which series he's from. And while you're at it, try to guess which series each of the Guest Stars are from. Some of them might be obscure...