The fanfic that pushes the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...

Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)

03: Otaku Café

A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years

Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...


[Hiiragi Household, 7:31 PM]

Kagami and her family (minus Tsukasa) are watching TV.

[JNN News Update]

Newsreader: "In breaking news, the Commissioner of Police has announced tough new anti-crime laws..."

Commissioner Uchiha is at a press conference.

[Commissioner Announces "Otaku" Law]

The Commissioner makes his announcement. "Due to the recent wave of violence in Japan, a new law came into affect this morning. I'm calling it the 'Otaku Law'. The police now have new powers to detain and search anyone outside Akihabara who is cosplaying, wearing Anime-Related Clothing, maintaining spiky hair or having loud colorful hairstyles."

Kagami rolled her eyes as she heard the report. "You cannot be serious. How could anyone be so judgmental over the color of somebody's hair? My hair is completely natural. And since when did Otakus considered themselves to be violent?"


[Saitama Police HQ, 7:33 PM]

Meanwhile at Saitama Prefecture Police Headquarters, a group of gun-wielding Bandits wearing Anime Character masks to disguise themselves are shooting at the Police.

Officer Yui is holding her pistol as takes cover behind a desk. Yui's supervisor quickly rolled on the floor to Yui's desk and sat next to her.

"Yui, don't forget to log this attack in the 'Attacks on the Department' logbook."

Yui nods. "Yes, Sergeant."

Both Yui and the Sergeant took cover from another wave of bullets as an officer in the background gets hit in the arm.

Yui suddenly remembers something about the logbook. "Oh, but I just remembered. The logbook is full. Where can I find another one?"

The sergeant dodged a bullet. "Sorry, Yui, but with the budget cuts we can't afford new stationary, so you're going to have to write it on the wall next to the phone..."


Back at the Hiiragi household, Tsukasa has returned with some drinks for her family as the next TV show starts as Tsukasa sits next to her twin.

"You're just in time, Tsukasa. The show is about to start. They're going to show the guy who was stalking the Shrine."


[Japanese Most Wanted]

A man in a suit is in an office. "Welcome to Japanese Most Wanted. I'm Takeshi Muno and tonight is a very special episode."

Takeshi: "Soon, we'll go live to Tokyo Detention Center where we'll witness the first non-Death Note related execution in 3 years."

On screen, a man is being escorted by Guards.

Takeshi: "Known as the 'Miko Serial Killer' and self-confessed Otaku, Kosaburo (bleeped) has been terrorizing Shinto Shrines for nearly 13 years and now, he has only 15 minutes to live."


"Scumbag," Kagami mumbled.

"It's good to see that people like him will be off the streets," said Tadao. "I can't believe he tried to kill one of our daughters. If it weren't for Kagami's friend who caught him stalking the shrine, who knows what would have happened?"

Miki nods. "I'm glad you have such a good friend, Kagami."

Kagami simply nods. "I'm sure Konata would be happy to hear your praises." As Kagami looks back at the TV. 'Still, I should be grateful to Konata since it was an Otaku who caught a dangerous Otaku.'

Suddenly, Kagami's cell phone rings. "Hiiragi speaking...yeah. Just put on what I gave you and do what you'll always do."

Kagami hangs up as she resumes watching the TV show.

Takeshi: "Right now, our reporter, Konno Mitsune is at the detention center. Mitsune?"


[Live in Tokyo Detention Center]

Konno Mitsune is at the Detention Center watching the condemned Serial Killer is resisting his escort while cursing in the background behind the bars.

Mitsune looks at the camera. "Not all is going well, Takeshi. Apparently, there's been a dispute over Kosaburo's last meal and he's very upset. Apparently, his last demand is that his Ramen must be delivered to him by a Miko. Oh wait, she's here now."

Mitsune sees a short 'Miko' with her blue hair tied to two ponytails walking towards the cell with the Ramen. "Sorry for the delay, but I got lost on the way here."

Mitsune's commentary: "The meal is being passed to Kosaburo, no doubt the last meal he will ever eat..."

As the guard collects the ramen and passes the meal to Kosaburo, the Serial Killer recognizes the 'Miko' who brought the Ramen.

"What the (beep)? You're not a Miko! You're the girl who caught me stalking the shrine! Legendary Girl A!"

Mitsune's Commentary: "And it looks like Kosaburo is refusing to eat his ramen because Kosaburo believes that the Miko delivering his meal is not a real Miko."

Konata points at herself. "What are you talking about? I am Kagami Hiiragi of the Takanomiya Shrine. I volunteered to deliver your last meal to you out of the pureness of my heart."

Kosaburo is being dragged away by the guards cursing at Konata. "I'm going to (beep)ing kill you and your family, Legendary Girl A!"

Mitsune rolls her eyes. "It's his last meal. What difference is it going to make if it's served by a Miko or not?"


Back at the Hiiragi's residence, everyone's suspicion is now on Kagami, who is calmly drinking her drink. "What?"

[Flashback: 2 Hours Ago]

Kagami is outside the Izumi Residence holding a brown paper bag while waiting for Konata outside.

"Hey, Kagami. What's so important that you don't want my father or Yutaka to find out?"

Kagami looks around. "Listen, how would you like to pretend to be a Miko for one night?"

Konata grins. "I'm all ears, Kagamin."

Kagami passed the brown paper bag with a piece of paper to Konata. "All you need to do is put on the clothes and go to this place in 2 hours. Once you get there, call me."

[End Flashback]

Kagami plays the ignorant card. "I have no idea what Konata is doing there pretending to be me and I don't want to know. Though if this was my idea, I would have considered it a parting insult to that Serial Killer."


[Seizure St., 8:01 pm]

Sojiro Izumi is walking down a street on his way home after purchasing a new Dating Sim when he notices a man having a seizure on the ground.

"Damn! You got real bad breath!" Sojiro pulls out a blue handkerchief and covers his face.

The sick man takes out a syringe. "I'm diabetic. I need you to jab me with my insulin!"

Sojiro tries to hold his breath while speaking to the Diabetic. "You're kidding! Your breath stinks! Where do you need me to inject you?"

"In the stomach!"

Sojiro tries to concentrate on injecting the Diabetic, but the bad breath overwhelms Sojiro's senses, causing him to run to bin and throw up...


[Iwasaki Residence, 8:04 pm]

Hiyori and Minami are sitting on a sofa watching TV, with Hiyori having a few quick glances at Minami.

Minami notices Hiyori's glances. "Is there something on my face, Tamura-san?"

"Oh, I'm just checking to see if there's anything different after my first hypnosis attempt."

[Flashback]

Hiyori is swinging a pendulum in front of a hypnotized Minami. "You do not need to feel self-obsessed with your body. Instead, transfer that energy into protecting your damsel. If Kobayakawa-san is in danger, you will become OOC by becoming the most overprotective you've ever been."

[End Flashback]

Hiyori looks at the TV. "Oh, look. The show is back on."

Before the conversation could continue, the TV show returns from an Ad break...


[Japanese Most Wanted]

Takeshi is back on TV.

"Welcome back. In the past few weeks, we've been following the story of the Syringe Bandit."

[Security Camera footage of a man holding a syringe while covering his face with a blue bandanna while robbing a convenience store.]

"He's been caught on camera many times robbing convenience stores around Japan. He is wearing a blue bandanna and uses a blood-filled syringe as his weapon. Now, if you see this man, police advise that you should proceed with caution. He is extremely dangerous."


[Miyako's Convenience Store, 8:07 pm]

Miyako and her friend Iori are watching 'Japanese Most Wanted' on TV.

"I hope he doesn't come into my store," said Miyako.

At that moment, Sojiro walks into the Convenience Store with the Syringe and a blue Handkerchief.

"Excuse me! I need a bit of help here! Someone out there needs an insulin injection but I can't stand his bad breath!"

"Aww crap," Miyako cursed.

"Call the cops. I'll deal with this." Iori pulls out his Kendo sword. "Take this, vile fiend!" Iori runs up to Sojiro and beats him with the Kendo Sword...


[Koushiro's home, 8:13 pm]

A man opens an envelope to find a Million Yen in cash. "Let me get this straight. You're paying me a million yen to kill a female Otaku."

"Yeah."

The Hitman keeps the envelope in his jacket. "What did this chick do to you? Steal your 1st Edition Manga or something?"

A growl was heard in reply to that statement. "It was a long (beep)ING STORY!"

[Flashback: The Relationship Breakdown...]

The Otaku's girlfriend looked at his cell phone and finds a picture of Konata in her Cosplay outfit. "You (beep)! I knew it. You're a Lolicon and a (beep)ing Pedophile!"

The Otaku tries to rectify the misunderstanding. "But she's eighteen! She just happened to be short and have a flat chest!"

The girlfriend refuses to listen to him. "Liar! Now I know the truth and how much of a freak you are! I've tolerated you being an Otaku for a long time, but this is the last straw!"

"But..."

"You took that photo just to (beep) me off! I'm leaving and don't follow me!"

"But I love you!"

The angry ex-girlfriend flips the bird at the Otaku. "(beep) off! I've had it with you and your Otaku ways!"


The Otaku is in tears as he cries over his breakup...


The Otaku confronts Konata at the Cosplay Cafe.

"You (beep)! This is all your (beep)ing fault!"

The Otaku strangles Konata, but Konata retaliates by beating him into submission with a PS2 Game Controller...

[End Flashback]

The Hitman finished hearing the Otaku's story. "Okay, so how did you find me?"

"I found your number on your Ad on the Internet," the Otaku answered.

"Right, so do you have a photo of the target?"

The Otaku leads the Hitman into a room filled with photos of an 18-year old Blue-haired girl, each photo marked with the words "Die" on every image of the Blunette, including a shrine dedicating to the death of the Cosplayer who ruined his life...

"I WANT HER (beep)ING DEAD!" The Otaku screamed with ferocity.


[Sojiro Arrested, 8:25 pm]

"Please! I got nothing to do with the Syringe Bandit!"

The police escorts Sojiro to the Police Station in a police car.


[Kakashi's Icha-Icha Online Shop, 8:36 pm]

In an apartment above a Bookstore, a silver-haired man wearing a flu mask and a man in a security uniform are watching a video on the computer. Moaning could be heard from Kakashi's computer.

"What do you think of this? Akira Kogami and Minoru Shiraishi. Look at them! Look at the way she's doing it!"

Kakashi nods. "How did you get your hands on this footage, Jiraiya?"

The security guard laughs. "There are cameras all over the place and I'm the head of security at Kyoto Animation."

Kakashi smiles under his facemask. "We are going to make a fortune selling this on the Internet."


[Iwasaki Residence, 8:44 pm]

Minami answers a phone call in the Iwasaki residence.

"Iwasaki Residence, Minami speaking."

Yutaka: "Minami-chan! It's getting quite late and Uncle Sojiro and Konata-neesan aren't back yet! And I think there are killer Otakus outside my house and they are here to kill me!"

[Japanese Most Wanted]

On TV, Takeshi introduces the next report.

Takeshi: "Up next, Otakus that kill you in your own home!"

[Up next: Killer Otakus]

On TV, two Otakus wearing Character masks are shooting at the camera...

Yutaka: "Help!"

Hiyori's hypnosis kicks in and Minami's attitude suddenly does a 180 from calm and silent to overprotective and panicked. Hiyori quickly pulls out a video camera to record her results.

"I'm on my way, Yutaka! Hold on!"

Minami and Hiyori quickly run over next door to Miyuki's home. After a frantic knock on the door, Miyuki answers the door. "Oh, Minami. Can I help you?"

"Takara-san! We need your help! We need you to drive us to Izumi's home! Yutaka needs help!"

"Sure thing. My family car is just around the corner."

Miyuki, Minami and Hiyori walk around the corner towards where the car is parked. Strangely, there is no car parked there.

"Where did our car go?"


[Takara Family Car, 8:52 pm]

Three teenage boys are having a joyride inside Miyuki's stolen car.

"I just realized something," said one of the boys. "My dad owns the company that makes this car!"

"Awesome!"

One of the other teenage boys with spiky duck-butt hair nods. "Yeah. Just because we're rich and well-educated doesn't mean we can't steal cars and be Otakus. And the best thing is that if we get caught, we have the money to buy our way out."


[Saitama Police Station, 9:01 pm]

Sojiro is inside an interrogation room and Detective Jenny puts a sheet of paper in front of Sojiro.

"Please sign this form. It's a indicating that you are aware that due to budget cuts, I am to play the roles of both Good Cop and Bad Cop."

"Okay..." Sojiro signs the form.

Jenny sits next to Sojiro. "Listen, are you comfortable? Do you need a pillow or something? Tea?"

"Listen, I have nothing to do with the Syringe Bandit. There was this Diabetic..." Sojiro tries to explain but Jenny stops him.

"I understand. Listen, you want tickets to the next Comiket? It's VIP with All Access. "

"I suppose so."

"Alright. You comfortable? You need anything?"

Sojiro shakes his head. "I don't need anything. I'll be fine."

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute." Jenny walks out of the interrogation room into the Coffee room where Detective Ichijouji is having his coffee.

"Hey, Ken."

"Jenny."

"What role are you playing at the moment?" Jenny asks.

"Bad Cop," answered Ken. "I started off as Good Cop, but I lost my train of thought. Then, I decided to go to the cells to bust some heads before becoming Good Cop again. Let me tell you, these damn budget cuts are (beep)ing me up!"

Jenny nods. "Yeah, I was playing Good Cop, now I'm going to play Bad Cop. Can I borrow your Phone book?"

"Go ahead."

Jenny takes Ken's phone book. She returns to the interrogation room where Sojiro expects Good Cop Jenny to return.

"Alright, you piece of (beep)!" She slams the phone book onto the interrogation desk. "Now listen to me, you little (beep)! You take that phone book. Get the (beep)ing phone book!"

Sojiro grabs the phone book in fear as Jenny glares at him. "You know what to do with it! Do it!"

Sojiro cries as he beats himself with the phone book. "Yeah, beat the (beep) out of yourself!"


[Miyako's Convenience Store, 9:06 pm]

The Hitman buys a newspaper from Miyako's Convenience Store. The real Syringe bandit walks into the store.

"Hey, nobody move or they'll get jabbed by my syringe!"

The Hitman rolls his eyes as he leaves the store.

"I'm the Syringe Bandit, man! Give me your (beep)ing money, now!"

Iori picks up his Kendo Sword. "You want a piece of this?"


Back at the police station, Bad Cop Jenny watches Sojiro beat himself with the phone book. "That's right, you drug-taking Otaku! You (beep)ing deserve it!"


[Konata's Car, 9:11 pm]

"Dammit! Satoshi stole this car for me so that the cops won't pester me for being an Otaku..."

Konata is sitting inside a Yellow Mazda as a police car pulls the Mazda over. Fortunately, Konata is not wearing the Miko outfit, so she doesn't need to put up an act.

The two police officers walk up to Konata's car. "What seems to be the problem, Officer?"

One of the officers looks at Konata. "I have reason to believe that your blue hair makes you an Otaku and you are driving a car made popular by an Anime series. Can I see your license, please?"

"Whoa, just because I have blue hair doesn't mean that you can discriminate me for being an Otaku."

The officer glares at Konata. "Don't try to get smart with me, Otaku punk! You're going to buy Anime in Akihabara, aren't you?"

"I'm not," Konata protests. "I'm just trying to go home. Compared to you overpaid and underworked cops."

The cop growls at the insult. "Oh no, I think you're going to Akihabara because you're an Otaku. You do know that it is an offense to give false information to a police officer?"

Konata groans. 'Does this guy have some kind of inbuilt Otaku Radar or is he an Otaku-hater in general?'


[DJ Kero's Night Club, 9:22 pm]

Akira Kogami and Minoru Shiraishi are dancing in a crowded nightclub when Akira notices that a screen has a very familiar image of herself and Minoru...

Akira mumbles. "Shiraishi, what the (beep) is that doing there?"

Minoru shrugs. "I don't know."

"Well, do something about it. It's a video of us having sex."

"Alright."

Minoru runs to the DJ and yells at him. "What the (beep) is that? Where is it coming from?"

DJ Kero removes his headphones. "Man, I got it straight off the Internet!"

Akira looks at the other party-goers. "Does that angle make me look fat?"


Meanwhile, Kakashi and Jiraiya are watching the same video of Akira and Shiraishi.

"Don't you just love it when you see Akira pretending to like it?" Jiraiya asks. "'Oh, shovel it in, Shiraishi!'"


Miyuki and Minami are trying to flag down a Taxi while Hiyori records the scene on her camera.

A cab did drive by but the driver ignores the three girls. Minami groans. "Come on! How hard is it to get a taxi?"


Three teenage Otakus led by the spiky duck-butt haired teen walks towards the Izumi residence. Inside, Yutaka could see the three teenagers walking to the house.

Yutaka screams. "Minami, help!"


[Japanese Most Wanted]

Takeshi is on camera. "In breaking news, about 15 minutes ago, Keitaro Urashima's Ice Cream Van was stolen outside his very own home. He's with us in the studio now."

[Ice Cream Van Stolen]

Keitaro is standing next to Takeshi. "Keitaro, can you tell us what really happened?"

Keitaro nods. "I saw three crazy girls steal my Ice Cream Van. That Van is my job. Without it, I can't support my Harem and the (beep)ing President goes and puts on the (beep)ing Otaku Tax and then put a flight path that is making my Harem sick of the (beep)ing noise!"


The Hiiragi family is watching the show on TV.

"What kind of sicko would go and steal an Ice Cream van?" commented Kagami.


[Urashima's Soft Serves Van, 9:29 pm]

Keitaro's Ice Cream Van is driving down a road. Inside, Miyuki is at the driver's seat with Minami sitting at the passenger's seat. Hiyori has her video camera pointed at Minami.

"We're coming, Yutaka!" Minami screams...


[Saitama Police Station, 9:35 pm]

Konata's Yellow Mazda is parked outside the police station. Konata and Sojiro walk out of the police station.

"Thanks for picking me up, Konata. I can't believe the Cops held me for two hours and then they found the real guy while I was beating the crap out of myself with a phonebook. First thing tomorrow, I'm calling Amnesty International. I'm sure they'll be interested in a case like this."

Konata nods. "I agree. These new 'Otaku Laws' suck. I got fined 50, 000 Yen just for driving an FD that looks similar to the one from Initial D."

"At least I get to play this new Dating Sim tonight." Sojiro shows Konata the game. Suddenly, a random Otaku runs by and steals Sojiro's game off his hands.

"YOU THIEF! COME BACK! MY DATING SIM IS NOT EVEN WORTH STEALING!"

The Otaku thief runs away from the Police Station with Sojiro's Dating Sim. He runs across a road, but unfortunately, as the thief did not bother to obey the important road rule of looking both ways before crossing, he did not see a speeding Ice Cream truck drive towards him.

The Ice Cream truck runs the thief over as Minami yells, "Forget him! We need to save Yutaka!"


Back at the police station, Konata could only shake her head. "Oh well. That's life. In my case, no one will snatch my shopping from me because I keep mine in my school bag."

Konata takes out her school bag from the car. "No right-minded thief would steal a schoolgirl's bag, even if it has my Anime-related goods inside."

Behind a tree, the Hitman appears with a newspaper over his hand. He spots Konata and looks at a photo of his blue-haired target to confirm that it is the person he is looking for. With the target in sight, the Hitman drops the newspaper and pulls out his gun. He fires one shot at Konata, but it misses due to Konata's short size. The bullet ricochets into the police station and it hits an officer in the arm.

"Officer down! We're under attack!" The police officers pull out their guns and take cover behind their desks.

The Hitman silently curses as he aims his gun again. He fires it and it misses Konata by an inch too high. The bullet ricochets into the police station and knocks off a Police Officer's hat. "Dammit! It must be those (beep)ing Otakus!"

The Hitman takes another shot at Konata and this time, Konata is down on the ground.

"Konata!" screams Sojiro.


The Hitman runs down a couple of blocks through the alleyways. Once he reaches the road, the Hitman sees a speeding Ice Cream truck coming towards him at the very last minute.

Miyuki runs over the Hitman as she tries her best to drive the Ice Cream van while looking at a Map. "I've never driven to Konata's house before, so I might have some problems..."

"I don't care!" screamed Minami. "We have to save Yutaka!"


Back at the police station, Sojiro check on his daughter as Konata slowly sits up. "Konata! You're alive?"

Konata looks at her school bag, which has a bullet hole on one side, but not the other. "Dad, I told you it was a smart move to buy a bulletproof Schoolbag."

"Should we report this to the cops? I do need to report my stolen game..."

"I'll just tell Yui-neesan about it later. You go back in and do what you need to do. I got to go over to Miyuki's place to return one of her books she accidentally left at School."


At DJ Kero's Nightclub, Akira makes a call on her cellphone. "Hello? Is this the police? I have a big problem. Someone has posted a video of me having sex with my co-worker on the Internet..."


At Saitama Police Station, SWAT is on scene, preparing for the next so-called 'Otaku Attack' as Yui is at the phone.

"Listen, I'm sorry but we can't spare any officers because of a few emergencies here at the station. Sorry, what is your name?" As soon as Yui hears the caller's name, she calls over the other officers. "Guys! We have a famous Voice Actor/Idol in trouble!"

All the officers quickly crowd around Yui and the phone. "Please, specify the details of your problem."

Akira: "Well, I need you to come down here with all the cops with lots of guns and lots of...hats. You know, the hats that you police officers wear. I want them all wearing those hats."


The Ice Cream Van is now stopped behind a stalled car. Minami hits the Van's horn. "Come on! Move it!"

Shigeru gets out of his car. "What the (beep) do you think you're doing? I'll stick that horn up your (beep)ing ass if you don't stop it!"

Miyuki keeps a calm smile as she looks at Minami. "Minami, I don't think we can go this way..."

Minami glares at Miyuki. "Just keep driving, Takara-san!"

Miyuki steps on the pedal and runs Shigeru over.

"I'm coming, Yutaka!"


Back at Saitama Police Station, an alarm rings. "The Otaku Alarm is ringing! An Otaku is coming to the station!"

SWAT Officer Riza nods. "Alright, time for some payback!"

The SWAT officers run out of Saitama Police Station with their guns and point their weapons at Sojiro, as he is walking back to the police station.

Riza speaks into a Megaphone. "Scumbag Otaku, we've got you surrounded! Put your hands up and drop to the ground!"

Sojiro's jaw drops. "What? All I'm here for is to report my Dating Sim that was stolen off me right outside the station! The fact that you're aiming your guns at me means that Konata is right! You're discriminating against people with Blue Hair!"

Riza looks at the other SWAT officers and gives the order. "That's it! Let's get him!"

The SWAT Officers quickly gang up on Sojiro and proceeds to beat Sojiro using their guns as clubs.

"Help me! I'm just an innocent Otaku wanting to report a Dating Sim stolen from him!"

Meanwhile, the police brutality is being filmed on a video camera.

[Kakashi's House, 9:51 pm]

Kakashi is holding the video camera. "Yep, they're beating the crap out of that blue-haired guy and I'm recording it. And I'm planning on selling it with the Akira Kogami Video that's already on the net and it's already generating lots of hits. Yeah, the website is www(dot)AkiraKogami(beep)s(dot)com(dot)jp. Is that alright with you?"


[Kyoto Animation Reception, 9:52 pm]

Security Guard Jiraiya is at the reception desk. "AkiraKogami(beep)s(dot)com(dot)jp? Cool. Give me a sec. I got a call on the other line." Jiraiya switches over to another phone line. "Hello, Kyoto Animation Security."

Caller: "Hello, there is a bomb at Kyoto Animation and you're sitting on it right now!"

"Yeah, hang on. Let me get my Bomb Threat Checklist." Jiraiya picks up a Bomb Threat Checklist from his desk.

Caller: "I am pissed off at the way you would discriminate Multi-Colored Haired people in your Anime Lucky Star and the fact that you're also lowering the standards of the series by plugging Haruhi!"

"Alright, here's my first question. 'When is the Bomb going to explode'?" Jiraiya ticks the first question on the list.

[Bomb Threat Checklist]
1. When is the bomb going to explode?
2. Where did you put the bomb?
3. When did you put it there?
4. What does the bomb look like?
5. What kind of bomb is it?
6. What will make the bomb explode?
7. Did you place the bomb?
8. Why did you place the bomb?
9. What is your name?
10. Where are you?
11. What is your Address?

Caller: "I'm not going to tell you anything except that you're all going to (beep)ing die!"

"Listen, this is serious. 'Where did you put the bomb?'" Jiraiya asks the next question on the list.

Caller: "Do you think I am a (beep)ing idiot? I'm not going to tell you where the bomb is? You're all going to (beep)ing die!"

"Whatever. I'm going to put you on hold

Caller: "Oh, for the love of Pikachu! There's a (beep)ing bomb..."

Jiraiya puts the bomber on hold and switches back to his call with Kakashi. "Yeah, Kakashi. There's another bomber on the line. I'll catch up with you later. Maybe we'll do dinner."


Back at Kakashi's house, Kakashi is continuing his filming of SWAT Officers beating Sojiro up. "Sure thing."


[Takara Residence, 10:01 pm]

Konata arrives at Miyuki's house as a very vengeful Otaku is watching Konata through his Binoculars.

"Oh (beep!) She still ALIVE! I paid that hitman a million yen! A (beep)ING MILLION (beep)ING YEN!"

Konata checks the window to see if Miyuki or her mother is inside, but no one is home.

"That's very odd. I expect Miyuki to be home because she usually sleeps at 11."

The angry Otaku pulls out a gun. "I have no choice. I'd better (beep)ing do this myself!" The Otaku aims his gun at Konata. "DIIIIEEEEE!"

The Otaku fires his gun. The Bullet flies past Konata and it bounces off a wall.

Konata hears the ricochet. "What the hell was that noise?"

The bullet ricochets off another wall. "I'm pretty sure I heard something."

From the stray bullet's POV, it is now flying back towards the forehead of the Otaku who fired the shot. "SHIIIIITTTTTT!"

Konata shrugs; unaware of the danger she was in a few seconds ago. "I guess Miyuki must be asleep. I'll give it back to her at school tomorrow."


[Izumi Residence, 10:06 pm]

Minami, Hiyori and Miyuki jump out of the Ice Cream truck and runs towards Konata's house, expecting to save Yutaka from the Killer Otakus. Fortunately, Yutaka is already safe as the three Killer Otakus (one of them being the duck-butt-haired Otaku) trying to break into the Izumi Household are knocked out in front of the house.

"Minami-chan! You're here!"

"Yutaka, what happened?" Minami asks.

"These three crazy Otakus were about to break into the house when this nice man came to my rescue."

Hiyori sees Yutaka's savior, who happens to be Satoshi. "Boss? What are you doing here?"

"I was visiting my girlfriend nearby when I saw these three suspicious characters trying to break into Konata's house."

[Flashback]

The three Otakus were about to break in when Satoshi spots them.

"Hey you!" Satoshi yells, catching the three Otakus by surprise. With three punches, Satoshi knocks down all three criminal Otakus.

[End Flashback]

Satoshi sighs. "Seriously, there is never a cop around when you need one."

Hiyori, Minami and Miyuki look at the three criminals lying on the ground outside the house, all three knocked out by Satoshi.


[Strike Force arrives at Kyoto Animation, 10:15 pm]

Akira, Detective Ichijoiji and SWAT officers are inside a van.

"So, how did you find him so quickly?" Akira asks.

"We got a tip-off from the TV show Japanese Most Wanted," Ken answers. "Now, usually we don't allow civilians on raids like this, but considering that both the Police Commissioner and Mayor of Saitama are fans of your work, we made an exception."

"Cool. Can I have a gun?" Akira asks.

"Anything for you, Miss Kogami." Ken gives Akira a gun.


Akira, Detective Ichijouji and SWAT storm Kyoto Animation. Unfortunately, the only obstacle between them and the criminal they are after is a locked automatic door. Detective Ken presses the intercom button at the entrance. Jiraiya answers the intercom. "Yeah, what do you want?"

"Can we come in?" Ken asks.

"Sure thing." Jiraiya presses the button to unlock the door. Once the doors are open, SWAT storms the Kyoto Animation reception and quickly surrounds Jiraiya with weapons pointed at him.


The Hiiragi Family is watching Japanese Most Wanted on TV.

Takeshi is with Officer Yui in the studio.

"We're back and what a night it has been. We've executed one Serial Killer."

[The Miko Serial Killer refuses to eat his Ramen because Konata is cosplaying as a Miko...]

"We've caught the Syringe Bandit."

[The Syringe Bandit tries to rob Miyako's Convenience Store.]

"We've closed down an Internet Porn Ring."

[Akira kicks Jiraiya as Detective Ichijouji and SWAT have their weapons pointed at him.]

"And we've caught a cop-killing Otaku!"

[SWAT is beating the crap out of Sojiro.]

Takeshi looks at Yui. "It's been a great night tonight, right Officer Narumi?

Yui nods. "Yes it has been a great night, if you ignore the fact that some people were shot earlier. Other than that, it has been a great night."

Takeshi looks at the camera. "And it goes to show that the new Otaku Laws is a complete success..."


[Minami Iwasaki has been freed from her hypnosis and she is now back to her usual self. Hiyori's Video of Miyuki's behavior has been posted on YouTube and received a lot of hits.]

[Sojiro Izumi has been released and he successfully sues the Saitama Local Government for Police Brutality. The case has been organized by Amnesty International.]

[Miyuki Takara has been fined 100, 000 yen for improperly operating an Ice Cream Van.]

[Satoshi Katsumoto was given a medal for bravery for saving Yutaka Kobayakawa. His mother is currently dating Sojiro Izumi for two months.]

[Security Guard Jiraiya has been charged with defamation and will serve 400 hours of community service at a Hot Springs Resort...]

[Akira Kogami retrieved the stolen images and has been given Copyright of the footage. She plans to write about the experience and the video is currently selling over the Internet]


The duck-butt haired teen is sitting on a chair reading the newest issue of Weekly Shonen Jump. He puts the magazine down. "Thanks for the Weekly Jump, Dad. And also thanks for getting us off the Carjacking and the B&E charges."

Police Commissioner Fugaku Uchiha lowers his newspaper. "Just remember, Sasuke, when you're the Police Commissioner, it's not what you know, it's who you know..."

[End of Chapter 03. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]

[Cast:]

[Cosplay Café Staff:]

Konata Izumi - Konata

Patricia Martin - Patty

Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori

Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner

[Lucky Star Characters:]

Yui Narumi - Cop

Sojiro Izumi - Police Brutality Victim

Minoru Shiraishi - Himself

Akira Kogami - Idol

Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere

Hiiragi Family - Themselves

Miyuki Takara - Car Thief

Minami Iwasaki - Hypnotized

Yutaka Kobayakwa - Damsel-in-Distress

[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]
Eriol Hiiragizawa - Newsreader
Takeshi - TV Host
Konno Mitsune - Reporter
Tracey 'Kenji' Sketchit - Miko Serial Killer
Daisuke Motomiya - Hitman
Koushiro 'Izzy' Izumi - Vengeful Otaku
Mimi Tachikawa - Otaku's ex-girlfriend
Miyako Inoue - Convenience Store Owner
Iori Hida - Convenience Store Vigilante
Officer Jenny - Detective Jenny
Ken Ichijouji - Detective Ichijouji
Riza Hawkeye - SWAT Officer
Gary 'Shigeru' Oak - Vigilante
Jiraiya - Security Guard
Kakashi - Masked Otaku
Keitaro Urashima - Ice Cream Seller
Kero-Beros - Himself
Deidara - Bomber

Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team providing extras and stunts...