A/N: All right! Here I am, getting started on my pile of request-fics. You guys have asked for some really brain-bending stuff, which I love, so thanks for that, and I hope I deliver what you want :)
This here is a long-overdue gift-fic for LikestoSmile, who has for reasons unknown to me read and reviewed every. single. one. of my fics since I began writing in this fandom. She asked for a fractured fairytale KisaIta style. I chose Cinderella, and, well, my dear, I hope you like it, because this is a genre I frankly know nothing about and hope never to attempt again. God, how do people do this? It's surprisingly hard.
Enjoy, and please be aware that this is as cracky as crack gets!
Once upon a time, there was a charming and picturesque young man called Uchiha Itachi. He lived in the charming and picturesque village of Konoha with his charming and picturesque cousin, Uchiha Shisui, and together they had many charming and picturesque adventures involving idyllic training sessions, self-made bonfires, and suspicious partner missions to comfortable and secluded places in the forest. One day, however, Shisui met a mysterious (and very watery) demise, which meant that Itachi had to come home and spend time with his actual family for a change instead of defaulting to his kind, loving cousin for entertainment and the occasional suspicious partner mission to comfortable and secluded places in the forest.
His family situation, however, was less than pleasant. Itachi's father, Fugaku, immediately forced the boy to join ANBU and run all kinds of unpleasant, dirty missions for the good of the clan, and he was placed under the supervision of a pair of cruel and ugly superiors who repeatedly tormented him, jealous of his beauty and his ability to make black spandex work with sandals.
To be fair, neither of these supervisors was actually ugly, but Anko made a habit of licking blood off her kunai and Kakashi wore a mask that deferred judgment on his hypothetical ugliness, and neither of these were behaviors endorsed by normal attractive people, such as Itachi himself. As Itachi donned his animal mask and culled Konoha of petty criminals, all the while appearing charming and picturesque as usual, he often bemoaned the sad state of affairs he had found himself in.
"How I wish I were back with my charming and picturesque cousin, Shisui, running suspicious partner missions to comfortable and secluded places in the forest, instead of being cruelly thrust upon the mercy of my cruel father and clan members, not to mention ugly ANBU supervisors!" Itachi often lamented. "If only something would happen to break the tedious monotony of my life, which is no longer charming and picturesque!"
He never actually said any of this, because a large part of his appeal was remaining absolutely silent under all circumstances. He believed that this led people to imagine that his voice and conversation were as charming and picturesque as the rest of him. Sadly, as he was often sent away from the village on the unpleasant and dirty missions mandated by his father and the cruel ANBU superiors, the villagers were not often able to feast eyes upon his youthful loveliness.
One day, however, all of this CHANGED. Except for the fact that Itachi was charming and picturesque, because this was immutable and indisputable. So this did not CHANGE, but other things CHANGED. Itachi was walking along a sunny forest path, surrounded by a flock of adorably twittering birds and perhaps accompanying them in a little ditty he made up on the spot, being improvisationally gifted and quaintly attuned to woodland creatures as well as charming and picturesque. Granted, these birds were actually his personal bloodthirsty ninja crows, but this detail was negligible. At any rate, he arrived at one of the secret ANBU headquarters buildings and retrieved a scroll from the mission in-tray. Unrolling it, he read:
AKATSUKI INFILTRATION MISSION!
DO YOU LIKE NAIL POLISH? ENJOY MEETING MISSING-NIN FROM ALL FIVE COUNTRIES? ARE YOU UNBOTHERED BY THE THREAT OF DISMEMBERMENT, CANNIBALISM, PAPERCUTS, OR POSSESSION BY CHAKRA TELEPATHY?
WELL THEN, THIS MISSION IS FOR YOU!
SEEKING CAPABLE ANBU TO INFILTRATE THE EVIL AKATSUKI, DESTROYERS OF KONOHA'S PEACE! YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO DEFEAT THEIR TRUMP CARD, HOSHIGAKI KISAME, ALSO KNOWN AS "PRINCE DISARMING!"
ALL INTERESTED ANBU SHOULD REPORT TO THE HOKAGE TOWER FOR DIRECTIONS TO THIS MAGNIFICENT INFILTRATION EVENT! THIS IS LITERALLY A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY! (KONOHA WILL NOT BE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR FUNERAL COSTS.)
COME ONE, COME ALL!
ISSUED BY THE SANDAIME HOKAGE
Upon seeing this, Itachi's face lit up, for a given value of lit. "Oh, how I woud love to infiltrate the Akatsuki and battle the daunting Prince Disarming!" he thought feverishly. "What a wonderful opportunity!" This decided, he happily swept up the scroll and prepared to frolic away with his entourage of crows when one of his cruel supervisors spotted him.
"Uchiha Itachi! Where are you going with that scroll?" barked Anko.
"I'm going on the Akatsuki infiltration mission!" said Itachi, holding the scroll to his heart. "You can't stop me!"
"Oh, yes we can!" drawled Kakashi. He flitted in and swiped the scroll from Itachi. "Hmm…this looks interesting. Anko, what do you say?"
"I will be the one to defeat Hoshigaki!" shrieked Anko, clutching at her chest in the throes of bloodthirsty imaginings that will not be enumerated here. "I'll tie him up and assault him with my wriggling snake appendages!"
Kakashi paused for a minute. "Well, that sounds…extremely sexual," he said after some other imaginings which will also not be enumerated here, but resulted in much giggling and blushing. "But I think we all know that my Raikiri and single sharingan eye will be more effective against the formidable shark man."
"I have a sharingan," noted Itachi. "Two, in fact. I would be a good match for Prince Disarming."
"You?" scoffed Anko. "Don't be ridiculous, you red-eyed freak! You don't even have a special signature move!"
Itachi was stunned by this realization. It was, sadly, very true. He had his sharingan, and that strangely effeminate aerial manuever with the kunai, but the latter was only really good for impressing very young children and Maito Gai. He had no personalized snake attacks, like Mitarashi Anko's, or lightning strikes, like Hatake Kakashi's . All he he had were his crows, but these were only really good for singing folksy ditties in seventy-four part harmony and assisting him with the completion of menial missions.
Thus mocked with this unpleasant fact, he hung his head sadly and skulked home, where his cruel father was preparing to leave. He looked very grand in full police regalia and Uchiha fans, and was palming the blade of an immense sword which was presumably part of his Special Signature Move.
"Ah, Itachi!" boomed Fugaku. "I am off to the Akatsuki infiltration event! We are, naturally, not taking you, since you are a useless young boy with no Special Signature Move! But I have a stack of D-class missions there on the table which your ANBU superiors have sent over, and you should be able to complete those by the time I get back! Ha! Ha! HA!"
Maniacal laughter complete, he stalked out of the house and towards the Hokage tower.
Itachi looked at the pile of D-class missions. He went to the table, knelt, and prepared to begin a full-fledged manly sulk. He was just working up steam on some of the more incendiary glowers and shoulder positions when suddenly there was a clatter and a man swept into the room in the grand manner made popular by drag queens and cardboard villains.
Since the man was wearing a bright orange mask, Itachi couldn't really tell which category the newcomer fell into, but he was in the middle of his manly sulk, so he didn't really care.
"Uchiha Itachi!" said the man. "I'm Tobi, and I'm going to help you go on the Akatsuki infiltration mission!"
Itachi knew better than to take advice from people in bright orange masks. How gullible did this 'Tobi' think he was, anyway? He settled for glaring at the man. In a charming and picturesque manner, which usually worked.
The man sighed. "You really are incredibly persuasive, aren't you? FINE, fine, I'll tell you—I'm your ancestor, Uchiha Madara."
Immediately Itachi was all ears.
"Why didn't you say so?!" he exclaimed. "Are you going to help me go on the Akatsuki infiltration mission?"
"I did say that," said Madara crossly. "So, yes."
Itachi was about to summon his crows for a song of joy and celebration when suddenly he became extremely crestfallen, remembering two important details.
"I missed the meeting at the Hokage tower for directions," he sighed. "And I have no Special Signature Move."
"That's okay!" said Madara happily. "If you're worried about transportation, I can get you there faster than any tree-jumping ANBU can. Do you have any small animals lying around?"
"Why on earth would I have small animals lying around?" Itachi wanted to know.
"You do have crows, as I understand."
"Well…yes. But I need those to accompany me in spontaneous bursts of song and occasionally assist me in domestic tasks."
"I see, I see."
"I do have a little brother," said Itachi after a moment's thought.
"All right. His name is Sas—"
Instantly there was a fierce zooming noise and Sasuke stood in the room with them, a plush ANBU doll still clutched in his hand. He had apparently been playing in his room, and his feet were smoking slightly from the intense floor-skidding behaviors he had engaged in in order to make an appearance before Itachi had finished saying his name.
"Nii-san!" he said happily. "You called!?"
"Yes," said Itachi, although this was far from correct. "Will Sasuke do?"
"Very nicely," said Madara, leering somewhat, and Itachi wondered if some other question had inadvertently come out of his mouth. "Now, Sasuke, I'm going to turn you into a giant frog summon. Is that all right?"
"Cool!" said Sasuke.
"You can't just turn my brother into a giant frog summon!" objected Itachi. "What if there are—side effects, or something?"
"It's completely harmless," assured Madara. "He might develop an aversion to giant frog summons or anyone who uses them later in life, but that's no great loss. Now, here we go!"
He did something extremely questionable with his hands under his robe, which Itachi pointedly did not observe, and with the signature poof! of summonings there was a burst of white smoke and a giant frog summon stood in the middle of the Uchiha family living room, serenely leaking frog fluid onto the floorboards. It looked most pleased, as any respectable eight-year-old would be upon finding himself transfigured into a giant orange frog.
"I love this!" said the frog in Sasuke's voice. "I love being a frog! I love being slimy! I love orange!"
"Spend a few hours in that and that'll change, but, all right," muttered Madara.
"Am I supposed to ride on that," Itachi deadpanned.
"Yes," said Madara. "Don't worry. It's quite safe."
"Safe is not my concern, I am a ninja. But…I am a charming and picturesque young man, you see, and that's…that's a giant frog summon."
"Frogs are practically Konoha's mascot," said Madara. "Now, onto your Special Signature Move. I've heard that recently your best friend died in an…uh…accident?"
"Yes," confirmed Itachi, wiping away a tear. "We were not in a comfortable and secluded part of the forest at the time."
"No, I heard you. But what does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing. I just wanted you to know that."
"…All right. Well, Itachi, close your eyes and open them for me."
Itachi did so, taking time to straighten his long eyelashes after the motion. When he looked at Madara again, he gasped. His vision seemed somehow different, as if someone had smashed a mirror, dunked the shards in a vat of hallucinogenic substances, and used them to graffiti a wall.
"Mangekyou eyes," said Madara. "Lovely, aren't they?"
"I…" said Itachi. "Yes, they are. I don't suppose I should ask why they exist?"
"Do you want your fucking fairytale or not?" asked Madara. "Now, get on the frog, and—oh, I almost forgot! Here, you'll want this."
He waved his hand arbitrarily and all of a sudden, in a burst of spangles and acetone-scented mist, Itachi was enrobed in a beautiful black cloak covered with red clouds, only slightly bloodstained, and accented with tasteful accessories such as nail polish and a clever little ring that said "crimson" on it.
"My old Akatsuki cloak," said Madara proudly. "Oh, this is touching, I—but anyway, Itachi, you'll need to get back here by midnight, or the spell will wear off. The frog will change back into Sasuke, and your cloak will change back into a hideous blue Uchiha shirt. I've cast a simple genjutsu on you so your father and your ugly supervisors won't recognize you, but that'll wear off at midnight too. Do you understand?"
"Yes," said Itachi, because he was eager to be gone. "Come, Sasuke! I am eager to be gone!"
And so, with Sasuke's new and improved amphibious legs, they leapt through the forest in a nimbus of neon orange light and arrived at the clearing where the Akatsuki infiltration mission was being held. It was clearly less of a mission and more of a social event, because many Konoha ninja were mulling over cups of sake and chatting amiably to various Akatsuki members, and in a corner a ring was set up where Kisame was systematically pummeling one opponent after another.
As things have a habit of doing, however, all that was about to CHANGE.
Itachi descended from the orange frog. Correctly interpreting the brief flicker of snickers, he waved his hand and surrounded himself instead with a halo of ominous black feathers, which was lovely and created the desired awed hush. He swept through the crowd like an Akatsuki-cloaked individual sweeping through a crowd. The crowd parted like a crowd parting for an Akatsuki-cloaked individual sweeping through a crowd like an Akatsuki-cloaked individual sweeping through a crowd. In fact, simile itself disintegrated before the sheer amazingness that radiated from his being. Several women fainted, and Anko and Kakashi began to seethe with fury to the point where a bubbling could be heard at the far reaches of the clearing.
Suddenly Kisame's voice rang out through the throng of people, which would have been more impressive had anyone actually been talking, but was still highly awe-inspiring. "I will fight this mysterious newcomer!" he declared. "Never before have I seen such a charming and picturesque young man!"
"Fair enough," said Itachi, as if this were not exactly what he had come on the mission for or anything like that. He strode into the ring and activated his Mangekyou sharingan.
Immediately the area was covered in raging black flames. Kisame lowered his sword and looked at the flames. He looked at Itachi. Then he said, "Amaterasu fire? Screw it. Comfortable and secluded place in the forest?"
Itachi smiled and waved a hand prettily. "Why, I thought you'd never ask," he said, and with that, Kisame seized his hand and dragged him off to a comfortable and secluded place in the forest, while behind him, several shinobi jury-rigged legendary Suiton jutsus to put out the Amaterasu fire.
Unfortunately Amaterasu was not the only fire that was put out that night, for before things could get properly heated between Itachi and his newfound shark prince, Itachi suddenly bolted up, gasping, and not in any kind of positive way. "What time is it?!" he asked frantically.
"Almost midnight, I think," murmured Kisame, unhooking several important buttons of Itachi's cloak in an entirely unsubtle fashion. "Why?"
"Forgive me, Kisame, but I must be gone!" cried Itachi. "Sasuke! To me! Away!"
"Wait!" yelled Kisame. "Won't you tell me your name?"
But it was too late. Itachi and Sasuke were already sprinting through the forest. Sasuke was gradually becoming less orange, the Mangekyou eyes were fading back to their normal sharingan red, and worst of all, Itachi's beautiful Akatsuki cloak was turning back into a hideous blue Uchiha shirt. Fortunately, they made it back to the compound in time, and Itachi collapsed onto his bed, prepared to observe the disappearance of the rest of his jewelry.
The next day, a decree went out through the land, or more accurately, just Konoha, but given the myopic worldview of the hidden village system, this was fairly accurate anyway. This decree said:
HOSHIGAKI KISAME, OR "PRINCE DISARMING," SEEKS WHEREABOUTS OF THE YOUNG MAN WHO DEFEATED HIM USING AMATERASU FIRE YESTERDAY NIGHT.
HE WILL BE MAKING ROUNDS OF KONOHA TONIGHT TO DETERMINE THE IDENTITY OF HIS MYSTERIOUS SPARRING PARTNER.
What was mysterious was how Akatsuki was able to stroll in and plant public decrees all over Konoha, but Itachi was hardly preoccupied with this. Hoshigaki Kisame was coming to find him! It was invigorating, and immediately he ran off to his house to touch up his nail polish and fix his hair, which hardly ever needed fixing, but this was the sort of thing one did.
He was not a whit too late, for as he strolled up the garden path, he saw Kisame standing there, looking confused and being verily, screamed at by an enraged-seeming Mitarashi Anko.
"I WAS HIM!" she was shrieking. "I WAS THE MYSTERIOUS GUY!"
"He was male," said Kisame flatly.
"How do you know?!" cried Anko.
"I just know," said Kisame awkwardly. "Anyway, you can't use Amaterasu flames."
"I can!" claimed Kakashi, arbitrarily jumping in. "I have a Mangekyou! Look at it!"
Everyone present gaped at him, including Itachi. "When did you acquire that?" asked Anko.
"I don't—it's not important! But I have one, so I was your mysterious sparring partner, Kisame!"
"You know what?" said Kisame, clearly tiring of this nonsense. "If you can use Amaterasu fire, show me, and I'll admit you were the boy I hooked up wi—sparred with last night."
Both of them tried. Needless to say, nothing happened, because neither of them could use Amaterasu fire, but everyone present already knew this, so there was no suspense present in this act anyway, and therefore this chronicler finds it prudent to just stop writing about it.
"I can use Amaterasu fire," said Itachi, and promptly did so, setting one of Kakashi's orange books aflame with hissing black licks of fire.
Kisame's eyes widened. "It was you!" he said. "Oh, I've been looking for you everywhere and—wait a second, are you even of age?"
"Does it matter?" asked Itachi. "I wasn't aware you needed an age limit to be an S-class criminal, so why would you need an age limit to hook up with one?"
"Darling!" cried Kisame happily, and held out his arms, upon entering which Itachi suddenly found that they were inexplicably situated in a comfortable and secluded place in the forest.
At the end of this story, several things happened:
-Kakashi's orange book was never actually put out, but Jiraiya managed to make some money palming off special editions of "Icha Icha ON FIRE!"
-Itachi got a brand new Akatsuki cloak of his very own and ran off to join Akatsuki, which raised the organization's general charm and picturesque quotient by several hundred percent.
-Sasuke woke up the next morning feeling weirdly slimy, and also, seemingly without reason, finding that the sight of the color orange drove him inexplicably into fits of sulking rage.
-They all (mostly) lived (except the ones that died) happily (see previous) ever (for a given value of ever) after.