Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all publicly recognizable characters and related things from the Twilight Universe. Crimsonmarie owns the orginal Ghostella, Snobward and all other characters we'll be introduced to. *I* have taken it upon myself to completely screw with both universes. Before you light pitchforks and sharpen torches, know that I've cleared it with CM on twitter and gchat that she is in fact supportive of me writing this story.
Link to Cm's version: fanfiction [dot] net/s/5946705/1
Enough of the boring stuff. Onto the fun.
FORKS FORUM ................................................................ May 6, 2010
Edward (Snobward) Cullen, born June 20, 1992, deceased May 4, 2010.
He is survived by his parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen. The Cullen family had only recently moved into Olympic Peninsula. Growing up in California, Edward Cullen was not familiar with the slow pace of Forks. The change seems to have caused a sudden and severe onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Edward Cullen jumped out of the second story window of the old Swan Residence.
In lieu of flowers the family has requested donations be made to Volvo, as Edward's most valued possession in his short, unfulfilled life was Victoria the Volvo
For more articles and news throughout the week, please visit us online at ForksForum.
"Crimsonmarie!" Bella cried. "What is this rag talking about? Edward jumped out of the window?!"
"What are you talking about? I didn't write him jumping out a window!" Crimsonmarie replied. "Let me see that paper!"
She snatched the paper from Bella's ghost hands. After spending five minutes trying to smooth out the paper just right, so it would be as close to perfect as possible, she scanned the front page for this story about a suicidal teenage boy.
"Bella, what are you talking about? I'm sure Edward is just fine. He's always been a pain in the ass. Maybe he went out to find a replacement for Vic-"
"Check. The. O. Bit. Uaries."
Crimsonmarie scanned further back and dropped the paper when she read the headline: OBITUARIES MAY 6, 2010. "Say it ain't so! Another old lady died? Who's going to take care of all her cats?!"
"CEEE EMMM!!!" Bella huffed in frustration.
"Ugh, fine. I'll read more. I don't see what you're so worked up over. You didn't like him anyways," Crimsonmarie said with a roll of her eyes. "Oh! I guess he really did jump out a window. Huh. Wonder why he did that."
Bella and Crimsonmarie both turned suddenly when the front door flew open, and hit the wall with such force, the china cabinet that housed a complete porcelain set of 101 Dalmatians figurines toppled over and smashed them all to bits.
"I'll tell you what happened!" A very angry Edward announced, while dramatically pointing a finger at Bella. "She snuck up on me one too many times last night."
"Me?" Bella asked innocently. "You're not supposed to be able to see me. Hello! I'm a ghost? REMEMBER!?"
"Well, obviously that didn't work out so well," he said with a pointed look at Crimsonmarie.
"Oh don't you go getting all Prickward on me," Crimsonmarie said. "I only write what you people tell me to. I can't help it if you decide that you suddenly want to see ghosts. Get it? Got it? Good."
Crimsonmarie lit up a cigarette and proceeded to blow smoke hearts around the room.
"Ugh. Do you mind?" Edward huffed, while Bella rolled her eyes.
"What? Not like it affects you. You're dead, remember?"
"Yea, but I obviously still have to be here. I don't need smoke getting into my awesome ghost-fit.
"Edward, what the fuck are you going on about?" Bella sighed. "Ghost fit? Seriously. I've been a ghost longer and there is no such thing."
"Well, what would you call this then?"
"It's part of who you are. It isn't going to be ruined by a little smoke." She replied.
"Thank you." Crimsonmarie said.
"Oh. No. Don't go thanking me. You went and killed Edward. NOW who is going to be able to see us and figure this crazy situation out? You? Hah. You're just as crazy as the rest of us."
"I. I…" Crimsonmarie trailed off in a huff. "Whatever. Bee Tee Double You. Snobward. You still didn't tell us what really happened. How the hell do you just fall out of a window?"
"Apparently Mom opened them all to "air out" the house. Some bullshit about Feng shui or whatever. Obviously it didn't "calm the energies" in the house. More like awoke them."
"Interesting. So, did it hurt much?" Bella asked.
"Did what hurt?" Edward and Crimsonmarie asked in unison. Edward looked at Crimsonmarie.
Crimsonmarie shrugged. "What? I'm not writing this shit."
"Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven and into Purgatory?" Bella replied.
Crimsonmarie giggled and Edward glared.
"If anything," he said. "I fell from Purgatory into Hell"
"Okay. I've had enough of you two. Ghostella, go haunt someone else for a while. GhostSnobward, go pull the stick out of your ass. I need to find a certain someone and have a nice long chat about what I will and will not be subjected to!"
On that note, Crimsonmarie stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her. The previously shattered cabinet of porcelain 101 Dalmatian figurines was molecularly fused back together with the force of the impact.
"101 Dalmatians?" Edward asked, incredulously.
"Don't look at me Snobward. They aren't mine. And this sure as fuck isn't my house." Ghostella replied.
"If they aren't yours, whose are they?" He asked, in awe.
"I think they belong to whoever owns this house. Ah-DUHRRR."
"And who owns the house? Gosh, do I have to spell it out for you?" Edward replied.
"Maybe." Bella replied, and stuck her tongue out at him.
"W-h-o. O-w-n-s. T-h-e. H-o-u-s-e?" Edward spelled.
"Omg. Edward. I didn't mean that you actually had to spell the words. You are ridiculous. I can't believe I'm stuck with you. Who doesn't check to see if their windows are closed before going to sleep in a new place for the first time?"
"I didn't expect to see some ghost popping up out of nowhere. Who does that, anyways?"
The ghosts were brought out of their squabbles when the door flew open once again.
Carlilse was muttering to himself. "Such a long day at the hospital. You'd think moving out of California would make for shorter days, but noooo." Then he turned to his left. He emitted a high pitched, girly scream when he saw his dead son and a female ghost sitting on the living room couch. He stumbled backwards and fell into the China Cabinet with the 101 Dalmatian porcelain figurines.
"Dammit! Those were my favorite!" He cried.
Shae here. Hope you're still reading at this point. And seriously, if you haven't read The Ghost of You by Crimsonmarie, read that first. This will make more sense, and trust me, her version is better. I plan to post a chapter each week, after her updates go up. The information in these chapters will correspond with what is happening there, but don't take anything that happens here as a hint to what is happening in her story. Many thanks to my Wifey, Crimsonmarie for not only allowing me to write this absurdity, but for sharing her writing with me, and with all of you. Love you babe.
Until next time.....