A/N: Okay, so I'm pretty sure someone has written a parody for this movie before, but I haven't seen one so I'm doing it myself. If any of you know about other parodies I would love to read them :D
Also, I am aware that some of you are waiting for a sequel to Quiet Houses. I'm gonna write it, as soon as finals are over, I promise. I wasn't even going to write this, but it sort of came out of nowhere.
Star Trek: The Parody
We open in SPACE. There are some unidentified BEEPING NOISES and RADIO TRANSMISSIONS and we get a full view of a HUGE ASS SPACE SHIP. Along with all this come about a dozen lens flares, which we'd better get used to since they're not going to be leaving the screen for the rest of the movie. The ship is heading for a LIGHTING STORM in SPACE. The audience is please asked to suspend their disbelief for the next 122 minutes.
CAPTAIN ROBAU: *is the first of many impossibly beautiful people with hot accents in the movie* Oh hai! I'm Captain Robau and although I get all but five minutes of screen time I get my own fanbase. Envy my shiny, perfectly shaped head!
Suddenly THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM appears out of nowhere. HUGE ASS SPACE SHIP doesn't seem very huge now.
We catch a few glimpses of GEORGE KIRK, the second impossibly beautiful person in the movie. He will also get a decent sized fanbase despite little screen time. Is there anyone in this movie who doesn't have their own fanbase?
Anyways, shit is getting blown up and people are being killed left and right. Curious how a movie about a peaceful organization can't seem to go ten minutes without blowing someone to smithereens.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: Aren't we fabulous? So much better than the original series.
On the bridge the KELVIN is being hailed by the enemy ship, which is apparently full of hot, bald men. Star Trek seems to have kind of a boner for those. CAPTAIN ROBAU decides to do the heroic (read: idiotic) thing and go onboard the mysterious ship without any backup or weapons.
CAPTAIN ROBAU: Come here First Officer. Since I'm probably gonna die, you get to be captain. Congratulations… Mr. Kirk!
AUDIENCE: NO WAI! I so did not see that coming!
CAPTAIN ROBAU goes onboard the GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM, where he is escorted to the main bridge by some more hot, bald men covered in tribal tattoos and some lens flares. He meets with the first officer, also bald and hot, and their conversation goes something like this:
AYEL: *shows off the special effects some more* Hai, have you seen this ship?
CAPTAIN ROBAU: *ignores* Take me to your leader. Is that him? *points at a man lounging in the corner, obviously the leader. He has pointy stick of doom and everything*
AYEL: Yeah, no can do. You're talking to me.
CAPTAIN ROBAU: Dood, why are you attacking us? Totally uncalled for.
AYEL: *ignores* Okay, then have you seen Ambassador Spock? *more awesome special effects and look, it's Leonard Nimoy!*
AUDIENCE: Wait, I'm confused. Isn't Sylar supposed to be Spock in this movie?
CAPTAIN ROBAU: Wtf you on about? I've never heard of Ambassador Spock.
AYEL: What day is it?
CAPTAIN ROBAU: What are you, a time traveler or something? *tells him*
NERO: *upon hearing the date suddenly loses his shit and kills CAPTAIN ROBAU with his pointy stick of doom*
FEMALE AUDIENCE: NO! Why would you do that?
Cut back to the KELVIN…
GEORGE KIRK: Okay, shit, our captain is dead. Guess we'd better get out of here then.
He calls for ship wide evacuation and we cut to CAMERON- sorry, WINONA KIRK, sitting in a wheelchair and going through the most inconveniently timed labor ever. Thanks a lot, Jim.
Shit is still getting blown up and we get a heartfelt but short conversation between GEORGE and WINONA. GEORGE assures his wife that he will be on the shuttle with her and the more seasoned audience knows right away that GEORGE probably won't survive.
And what do you know, the ship's autopilot is on the fritz. Welp, nothing to do for GEORGE but stay in the ship and get blown up with it.
WINONA is on the shuttle and GEORGE gives orders to leave without them. WINONA and GEORGE have their tragic goodbyes while WINONA gives birth. The music gets sad and the audience gets teary eyed.
Then the baby is born and they predictably decide to name him JIM instead of TIBERIUS. GEORGE is blown up and the credits roll.
FEMALE AUDIENCE: Wtf? This is the second hot guy that dies within the first ten minutes!
Cut to IOWA. Some blond kid, who we can safely assume is JIM KIRK, is driving an old red car. The phone rings and we get a couple of lines from a guy who's either his uncle or stepfather before JIM hangs up on him and blasts some music that was conveniently recorded in the 20th century.
He is chased by ROBOCOP some and decides for some reason that the best course of action is to drive the car off a cliff a la Thelma and Louise, almost going down with it in the process.
JIM KIRK: Is there a problem officer? *has bigger balls as a kid than you'll ever have*
ROBOCOP: You just drove a car off a cliff, what do you think? Also, what's your name?
JIM KIRK: My name is James Tiberius Kirk… bitch.
Cut to VULCAN. We get a few gratuitous lens flares to make up for the lack of them in last scene.
We're inside a VULCAN SCHOOL, where each student gets their own hole in the ground so they don't need to interact with each other, ever. Later we will see why this is probably a good idea.
We focus on one hole in particular, where our favorite half Vulcan is studying. He is the most adorable thing you have ever seen and also freakishly smart.
After SPOCK's little study session he is approached by some ASSHOLE VULCAN CHILDREN, who go on to insult him and his family.
ASSHOLE VULCAN CHILD #1: You're a hybrid freak.
ASSHOLE VULCAN CHILD #2: You have human eyes and that's bad for some reason.
(Jesus Christ, those Vulcan's aren't particularly open minded, are they?)
ASSHOLE VULCAN CHILD #1: HAHA, I push you! *pushes Spock*. Also, your momma.
SPOCK loses his shit and proceeds to kick ASSHOLE VULCAN CHILD #1's ass. The audience has learned two things from this scene:
1. Don't insult Spock's mom.
2. On top of being the most adorable thing you've ever seen and freakishly smart, Spock is also a better fighter than you'll ever be. Feel that? That's your self-confidence being punched in the nads, over and over.
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK enters the scene.
SPOCK: They insulted you. That's a good motive, right?
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK: No it isn't. Keep your emotions under control! Be more Vulcan!
SPOCK: So you want me to be completely Vulcan? Then why did you marry a human, you asshole?
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK: It was logical.
SPOCK: So I'm not born out of love? Thanks dad.
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK: Also, although you are only like 10 you should decide right now how you want to live the rest of your life.
Cut to a few years later. SPOCK is all growned up and having a heartfelt scene with his mother, who looks to be about five years older than him. We will call her SPOCK'S MOMMA instead of AMANDA, since her only role in this movie is being emotional baggage for her son instead of a real character.
Also, SPOCK is wearing the fugliest sweater you will ever see. It is adorable.
SPOCK'S MOMMA: It's okay to be nervous.
SPOCK: I am Vulcan. I have no emotions.
SPOCK'S MOMMA: Okay, sure.
SPOCK: Hey, if I decide to take this ancient ritual and purge myself of all this emotion that I don't have, you won't think it's your fault, right?
SPOCK'S MOMMA: I'm your mother. Whatever you do I will blame myself or take credit for.
Cut to the Vulcan science academy, which looks strangely horizontal- no wait, the camera's just tilted. Spock is standing in front of what looks like a Vulcan council, still wearing his ugly ass sweater.
OLD VULCAN: Hey, I see here that you applied to Starfleet as well as our Academy. Were you not expecting to get in or something? That's totally ridiculous, because as has been proven in the past we Vulcans are in no way biased towards your human heritage or anything like that.
SPOCK: Whatevs, I just wanted to keep my options open.
OLD VULCAN: Okay, that's logical I guess. But not really necessary. Congrats btw on doing so well despite your disadvantage.
SPOCK: What disadvantage? Just because I have a human mother-
OLD VULCAN: Actually, I was talking about your horrible fashion sense, but sure, your mom's kind of dumb too.
SPOCK: Okay, are all Vulcans assholes? Screw this, I'm outta here.
OLD VULCAN: Bu-but, we're awesome!
SPOCK: Whatever. You can all die in a fire for all care. Or maybe get sucked into a black hole.
We're cut to another scene before Spock's awesomeness sets the camera on fire or something. Now we're back in Iowa, only now it's night.
UHURA walks into a bar while some music plays. She orders a lot of drinks and slips in a product placement while she's at it.
JIM KIRK: Wow, are you planning on passing out in an alleyway later tonight?
UHURA: Okay, just for that I'm ordering some more alcohol. For some reason.
JIM KIRK: I'll buy. That'll get me laid, right?
UHURA: Yeah, not gonna happen.
JIM flirts some more and falls completely flat on his face. Were this the original series he'd probably have taken her back to his bunk by now, but it isn't so instead we just get some more failed pick-up lines and a whole lot of lens flares.
UHURA assumes that JIM is dumb but is proven wrong. She even looks like she might fall for his charm for a minute there, but then they're interrupted by a burly cadet looking to pummel someone. And not in the good way either.
JIM KIRK: Beat it Cupcake, I'm trying to score.
THE BURLY CADET FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS CUPCAKE: Hey asshole, if you want to start something I've got four friends willing to back me up. What have you got?
JIM KIRK: Bigger balls than any of you put together?
That's apparently all needed to start a fight. Man, the male ego is fragile. CUPCAKE and his friends wail on JIM some, who puts up a very good fight despite being totally outnumbered. The audience is unimpressed though, and thinks that if Kirk were a real hero he should have been able to beat those FIVE GUYS THAT ARE MUCH BIGGER THAN HIM AND OH, ALSO TRAINED FIGHTERS.
This marks the first of many scenes in which JIM takes on much stronger opponents and gets his ass handed to him. Although incredibly smart, he doesn't have much of a survival instinct.
Anyways, JIM gets wailed on some more and manages to cop a feel while he's at it. Then CHRIS PIKE enters the scene, breaks up the fight and kicks everyone out of the bar. Being a Starship Captain apparently gives you authority over bars as well as any random citizens that may be there.
Cut to a little bit later. JIM and CHRIS are sitting together by a table, JIM looking deliciously beat u- I mean, horribly wailed on and not attractive at all. Yeah.
CHRIS PIKE: I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you were.
JIM KIRK: Uhu, and who am I?
CHRIS PIKE: Your father's son.
JIM KIRK: Thank you Captain Obvious.
CHRIS PIKE: It's Captain Pike. Anyways, I totally used to bang your dad.
JIM KIRK: What?
CHRIS PIKE: I mean, I wrote an essay about him once. He was pretty okay. Also, he never believed in no-win scenarios. It was like, his only defining characteristic.
JIM KIRK: So the universe went out of its way to prove him wrong?
CHRIS PIKE: Well, it wasn't really a no-win scenario. You survived didn't you? And your mom, that boyfriend-stealing hussy…
JIM KIRK: What?
CHRIS PIKE: Ahem, anyway. Wanna join Starfleet? Or, you know, you could rot away here in the middle of nowhere and probably land yourself in prison before you're 30.
JIM KIRK: Thanks for the confidence man.
CHRIS PIKE: Come on. You could be a Captain, have your own ship and everything.
JIM KIRK: Whatever.
CHRIS PIKE: Look, just enlist would you? I double-dare you.
JIM KIRK: Well, if it's a dare…
CHRIS leaves JIM by himself to consider his offer. Cut to the following morning where JIM is riding his motorcycle, looking wistful and totally dreamy in that leather jacket, yum. He stops in front of a greenscreen effect- I mean, a shipyard, and decides what the hell, I've got nothing better to do.
He gives his motorcycle to the next random guy he sees and then goes on board a shuttle, needing no clearance whatsoever.
On his way in he realizes he hasn't gotten hurt in almost three minutes and decides to bang his head against a metal rod.
JIM sits down and flirts with UHURA some more once he sees her, who doesn't seem to be entirely against it. She even gives a little laugh.
Suddenly there's some commotion and hey look at that, it's BONES! Funny that he should be in Iowa, considering that he lives in Georgia. This is never explained. Anyways, he's being neurotic and loud about it, before a tiny little woman puts him in his place and orders him to sit down. He sits down next to JIM who doesn't look very thrilled about it.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: *is deliciously scruffy and ruggedly handsome* I may throw up on you.
JIM KIRK: Okaay… someone wanna trade seats?
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: *is morbid and terrifying* Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
(FYI, BONES just took the number one spot for the most quotable character in the movie)
JIM KIRK: So why are you joining Starfleet?
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Divorce is an ugly thing. Also, something about bones.
This is as close as we get to a nickname justification.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Want some booze?
JIM KIRK: I think this is a beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Cut to three years later. THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM is still galloping around the universe, and you'd think it would be out of gas by now, but whatevs.
Some random Romulan tells NERO it's time, whatever that means.
Suddenly a black hole appears and a TOTALLY COOL SPACESHIP WITH A COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL NAME AND WHO THE FUCK NAMES A SPACESHIP 'JELLYFISH' ANYWAY, IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A JELLYFISH flies out of it.
NERO: Hai SPOCK!
Well, Leonard Nimoy was only paid for like fifteen minutes of screen time, so we cut back to STARFLEET ACADEMY, where JIM and BONES are looking brain-meltingly hot in their red little uniforms.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: I'm still totally cranky.
JIM KIRK: And I'm a total womanizer. Also, I'm taking the test again.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Again? Jesus Christ, it's like watching a bird bang itself against the window over and over. You just don't learn, do you?
JIM KIRK: Whatevs, you gonna be there?
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: It's getting pretty painful to watch you make an idiot of yourself. But okay, I guess. Even though you are an idiot… you idiot.
This truly is a beautiful friendship.
JIM KIRK: I'm gonna go study some xenobiology.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Yeah, sure, study my ass.
JIM KIRK: Okay!
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: What?
JIM KIRK: Uh... I mean yay, boobs!
Cut to JIM KIRK making out with some green lady while sexy music plays. Oh, and he's practically naked. Thank you J.J.!
GREEN LADY: I think I love you.
JIM KIRK: Really? That's weird.
(This joke gets less funny and more depressing every time you hear it. It also says a lot about Jim's self confidence, which I would love to get into but won't since this is a parody and meant to be funny)
GREEN LADY: *turns on the lights, giving the audience a better look at nekkid!Jim. She is the real hero of the movie* What kind of a reaction is that?
JIM KIRK: Uuuh…
He is saved by the arrival of GREEN LADY'S roommate. GREEN LADY shoves JIM under the bed, since her roommate is getting pretty sick of her bringing guys back to the room. Also, the roommate turns out to be UHURA.
UHURA: *enters the room and immediately starts stripping, not at all suspicious by GREEN LADY'S nakedness or the fact that sex music is playing*
She mentions some things relevant to the plot. And apparently she has super hearing on top of her linguistic skills, since she can hear JIM breathe from under the bed. JIM is properly impressed by this.
She looks completely annoyed, so apparently JIM has done something to seriously piss her off in the past three years.
JIM KIRK: Oh hai, I was just leaving. Bye Gaila!
Okay, so GREEN LADY has a name. Good thing, since calling her GREEN LADY was starting to make me feel kind of racist.
JIM tries to suck up to UHURA some so he won't get kicked out to the hallway in his underwear, and drops the fact that he still doesn't have UHURA'S first name. At least he won't have to wait forty years for it like the Star Trek fandom.
Cut to the KOBIYASHI MARU test, where JIM is being cocky and surprisingly relaxed about the whole thing. He is also eating an apple, a sexy, sexy reference to the awesomeness that is Wrath of Khan. Then the simulation suddenly shuts down for a moment and when it's back online, it's beatable. Would you look at that!
RANDOM INSTRUCTOR: Okay, wtf just happened?
SPOCK: I do not know, but I am aroused. I mean, my suspicion is aroused.
Cut to a Court Martial, where SPOCK is suing KIRK or something, for passing his unbeatable test.
ADMIRAL JAMES KOMACK: Do you have anything to say for yourself young man?
JIM KIRK: Yeah, who the hell is accusing me of cheating? It's called thinking outside the box.
ADMIRAL JAMES KOMACK: Get up here Spock.
SPOCK stands up.
JIM KIRK: Hot damn, can I take my punishment from him?
SPOCK: Maybe later.
JIM KIRK: So what'd I do?
SPOCK: You cheated.
JIM KIRK: No I didn't. You cheated first.
SPOCK: You so did. And furthermore, your dad.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Oh no he didn't!
JIM KIRK: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Before their cat fight can continue, the plot arrives! It's a distress call from VULCAN and since the primary fleet is conveniently way over on the other side of the galaxy the admiral decides it'll be a good idea to send a bunch of inexperienced cadets instead.
JIM KIRK: Okay, who was that pointy-eared bastard?
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: I don't know, but I like him.
Not that he has any reason to, since said pointy-eared bastard just persecuted his best friend, but it's funny enough in an ironic kind of way that the audience lets it slip.
Everyone's being assigned to their ships but oh noes! JIM'S name isn't called. Turns out he's grounded for being a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater. JIM, in a rare moment of maturity, decides to do as he's told. MCCOY then proceeds to ruin the moment by taking him on board the Enterprise anyway.
Meanwhile, UHURA is assigned to the Farragut and isn't particularly happy about it.
UHURA: Hey, SPOCK! What's the deal? I wanna be on the Enterprise!
SPOCK: But favoritism-
SPOCK: Yeah, okay, my mistake.
Cut back to JIM and BONES.
JIM KIRK: Okay, what are you doing?
BONES stabs him in the neck with some alien virus.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: I'm getting you onboard the Enterprise. You can thank me later.
JIM KIRK: Why the hell do I keep getting wailed on?
They try to get on board a shuttle, but the Guard is all 'lol, nowai, Kirk's not allowed' and BONES is all 'I'm his doctor, and also, he'll cry if you don't let him on board' so they get to go.
We get some nice shots of the shuttles flying and oh hai, it's the lens flares! Haven't seen those in a while. By which I mean five minutes.
JIM KIRK: I may throw up on you.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Stop stealing my lines and look!
They look out the window, where the audience gets their first look at the shiny new reboot!Enterprise. JIM and BONES are understandably impressed.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: Blow us, sixties.
Inside the Enterprise is all shiny, white and sadly lacking the bright red colors of the original Enterprise, but still pretty cool I guess. And look, it's SULU!
HIKARU SULU: *pushes some buttons and pulls some levers* We're ready to go.
CHRIS PIKE: Sweet. Punch it.
SULU does. Nothing happens.
CHRIS PIKE: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
HIKARU SULU: Sure I do. I'll figure out what's wrong, I just-
SPOCK: *cuts in and tells him what's wrong*
Oh yeah, he's going to be fun to work under.
The ship takes off and we cut to Sickbay, where JIM has had a wardrobe change. He also flirts with a nurse passing by, just in case we forgot what a womanizer he is.
BONES is a sadist and stabs him some more and JIM passes out.
Cut back to the bridge and there's CHEKOV, looking way too young to be there but still not as young as he's supposed to be. Also, know what I said about wee little SPOCK being the most adorable thing you'll ever see? Yeah, CHEKOV'S curly little head is about ten times as adorable and he's also got a horrible fake Russian accent to go with it.
We make some fun of CHEKOV'S accent and then he mentions a LIGHTING STORM in SPACE. Whatever could that mean?
Unfortunately Jim seems to be the only person who remembers that lighting storms in space=bad, but he is busy being hilariously injured. Well screw that, he's off to find UHURA anyway. Also, his hands blow up for some reason. It's pretty hilarious.
Cut to VULCAN, where THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM is shooting some sort of laser at the planet. The whole scene looks like the cover of a hard metal album. Or, y'know, a sci-fi film.
And back to the Enterprise, where JIM is trying to talk some sense into the rest of the crew.
JIM KIRK: That natural disaster Vulcan's experiencing? Yeah, that's not a natural disaster, that's Romulans.
CHRIS PIKE: Jim, stop being an attention whore and go lie down or something.
JIM KIRK: But-
SPOCK: *is prissy* What is he doing here anyway?
JIM KIRK: Look, I'll flirt with you later but right now I've gotta safe your sorry asses.
He proceeds to explain the plot to them and the audience.
SPOCK: His logic as sound as his ass is hot. *a beat* Also, something flattering about UHURA since she's supposed to be my love interest I guess.
CHRIS PIKE: Okay, fine, we'll do what the suspended cadet tells us to. Let's see if there's any Romulans near Vulcan.
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Uh, I can't really tell the difference between Romulan and Vulcan…
CHRIS PIKE: How did you get this job? Fine, you, the 20-something year old cadet, can you do his job better?
UHURA: Totally. *Proceeds to do so*
They finally arrive at VULCAN, and what do you know, it's being attacked by Romulans. They spot THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM and are understandably freaked. The two ships exchange torpedoes, shit gets blown up and then NERO realizes what ship he's shooting at.
NERO: Hey, it's the Enterprise. Sweet. Hail it.
They do so.
CHRIS PIKE: Hey, I'm Christopher Pike, who the hell are you?
NERO: Well, hello Christopher. I'm Nero. What's your sign baby?
CHRIS PIKE: …uh, I'm just gonna ignore that. You're declaring war against the Federation by attacking VULCAN, maybe you could explain that?
NERO: Lol, whatever. Hai Spock!
SPOCK: …do we know each other?
NERO: Not yet, but we will.
SPOCK: Was that a come-on?
NERO: No, I just talk this way to everybody. Also, Christopher would you mind so terribly to come on board by yourself for some… negotiations?
CHRIS PIKE: I'd really rather not.
NERO: Fine, then we'll blow you up.
CHRIS PIKE: You don't handle rejection very well, do you?
NERO: No I do not.
CHRIS decides to go on board THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM, since is worked so well for CAPTAIN ROBAU last time. JIM and SPOCK think this is a bad idea for some reason. This is one of the only times in the movie they agree on something.
CHRIS PIKE: Whatevs, I'm going anyway. SPOCK, come with me. SULU and KIRK too, I'm sending you guys on a suicide mission. CHEKOV, you have the conn.
SPOCK: Isn't it kind of a bad idea to leave the ship in the hands of a teenager right now?
CHRIS PIKE: My ship, my rules.
Meanwhile, on board THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM there is some plot development going on. Apparently the Romulans have Red Matter, whatever that is, and are going to use it for nefarious purposes. We know this because the music in this movie is only marginally more subtle than it was in the sixties (man, I miss the DUN DUN DUN they used so frequently in TOS. How else are you supposed to know that something dramatic just happened?)
And back on board the Enterprise CHRIS PIKE is ordering JIM, SULU and a RANDOM REDSHIRT to spacejump onto the spacedrill and spacedestroy it.... in space.
JIM KIRK: Yeah, this can in no way end badly. Especially not for him *points at redshirt*
CHRIS PIKE: Oh and Spock, you're Captain and Kirk, you're First Officer.
SPOCK: Haha, very funny.
CHRIS PIKE: Not a joke. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll make a great team. You have the sexual tension for it.
SPOCK AND JIM KIRK: What?
CHRIS PIKE: I mean, be careful with my ship Spock, she's brand new.
SPOCK goes back to the bridge and makes MCCOY COM, since the other COM up and died. MCCOY is sarcastic and calm despite shit being blown up left and right around him.
FANGIRLS: Marry me you snarky bastard!
Meanwhile, PIKE is getting ready to go onboard THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM and JIM, SULU and RANDOM REDSHIRT are getting ready to spacejump. RANDOM REDSHIRT has the stuff needed to blow up the spacedrill, which in hindsight is probably not such a good idea.
RANDOM REDSHIRT: Whoo, fighting!
JIM KIRK: Okaayy…
Then they are released and plummet thousands of feet in a matter of seconds. They're ordered to pull their chutes, and surprise surprise, RANDOM REDSHIRT pulls his too late and is laser'd to death. JIM almost meets the same fate, but he's the main character so he makes out okay.
Some Romulans come and JIM has nothing but his helmet to fight them so he's kind of getting his ass kicked. SULU at least remembered to bring a sword and is badass enough to know how to use it. JIM decides now will be a good time to hang of some ledges some more, but then SULU comes in and saves his life, slaying some Romulans in the process with his awesome katana. They remember that some moron let the RANDOM REDSHIRT hold onto the chargers and now they have nothing to blow up the drill with. JIM being JIM suggests that they improvise and use Romulan guns to sabotage the spacedrill.
Well, it's too late, the laser has cut to the planet's core and the Romulans launch the red matter into it. CHEKOV figures out that they're creating a black hole in the center of Vulcan. Since SPOCK had some crazy flakes for breakfast he decides the best course of action is to beam down onto the doomed planet. Well, some of the Vulcans need to be saved I guess.
Meanwhile SULU falls of the spacedrill and JIM, being the self-sacrificing, idiotic hero, jumps down after him. Unfortunately his chute refuses to work properly. Luckily JIM and SULU fall slowly enough so that CHEKOV can come up with some magic formula and beam them up at the most dramatically convenient moment. The two of them are beamed aboard and somehow miraculously survive.
SPOCK beams down to the planet to save his mom, and some other Vulcans too, but in the most predictable twist of the movie Spock's momma does not make it out alive and the rest of them are beamed back on board without her.
We have some sad looks from everyone, even SAREK, who somehow looks like he's about to cry without ever changing his facial expression. Then we get a great shot of Vulcan collapsing in on itself while some sad music plays.
SPOCK narrates for us what's going on and it's all terribly tragic. Then UHURA traps him in a turbolift and proceeds to make out with him.
UHURA: Do you need something from me? I'll totally put out for you if you want.
SPOCK: Whatever, just do your job.
UHURA: Seriously? I'm wearing a miniskirt and go-go boots! What more do you want?
Back on THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM, NERO is interrogating PIKE. He also gives us some backstory, apparently his planet was destroyed, and also he was married and was even expecting a child. This would make him sympathetic if he hadn't just killed 6 billion people.
NERO: And it's all Spock's fault.
CHRIS PIKE: So you decided to blow up a whole planet to get revenge on this one guy?
NERO: I've been in space for 25 years, I'm not exactly sane.
CHRIS PIKE: Yeah, I got that.
NERO: Now sell out your planet so I can blow it up and I'll let you go free.
CHRIS PIKE: You're kidding right? Not gonna happen.
NERO: Fine. I'll just shove this bug down your throat then.
He does so. It is horrifying.
Back on the Enterprise the crew is wondering what NERO'S plan is. JIM is slouching in the captain's chair, looking like he was born to sit in it.
SPOCK: Out of the chair.
JIM KIRK: But it's so comfy!
JIM KIRK: Fine, but you can't keep us apart forever!
Anyways, they finally figure out that NERO's from the future, though to be fair they didn't have the same information as the audience. SPOCK also deduces that by travelling back in time NERO has created an alternate universe, so that's kind of cool.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Damnit man, I'm a doctor not a physicist.
The Trekkies in the audience all fangasm on the spot.
JIM proceeds to protest everything SPOCK suggests until SPOCK finally grows sick of it and orders some security guards to take him off the bridge. JIM fights back so instead of being sent to the brig he's Vulcan-nerve-pinch'd, put in a shuttle and shot at the nearest planet. The planet's name is Delta Vega, so that also doubles as a TOS reference.
JIM KIRK: Man, remind me never to piss off Spock again.
COMPUTER: Please remain inside the shuttle unless you want to be eaten by a giant icemonster.
JIM KIRK: Screw that, I'm outta here.
He climbs out and is predictably chased by a giant icemonster. Also, his eyes look impossibly blue in this lighting but that's neither here nor there.
GIANT ICEMONSTER: *is eaten by an even bigger monster, which then proceeds to chase JIM*
JIM KIRK: Goddamn it, haven't I gotten my ass kicked enough already?
Apparently not, as he also falls down a giant hill and is almost eaten until a mysterious figure finally rescues him by waving around some fire. He then turns to face JIM and *gasp* it's OLD SPOCK!
OLD SPOCK instantly recognizes JIM despite him being like sixty years younger since he last saw him eighty years ago and it's the sweetest thing ever you guys! Seriously, his eyes light up and he does that thing where he smiles but not really and... right, shutting up now. I'll fangirl on my own time.
OLD SPOCK: JIM!
JIM KIRK: Do I know you?
OLD SPOCK: I have been and always shall be your friend (he said the line, from Wrath of Khan, omigod that's so sweet... I mean, *insert witty observation here*)
JIM KIRK: Wtf?
OLD SPOCK: I am Spock.
JIM KIRK: Bullshit.
Despite OLD SPOCK appearing all sorts of crazy JIM decides he prefers his company to the icemonsters outside, so he sits with him by the fireplace.
OLD SPOCK: I am so glad you're here. You wouldn't believe the day I've been having.
JIM KIRK: Okay, this is getting kind of weird, so I'm just gonna be leaving…
OLD SPOCK: Nero.
JIM KIRK: Omg, you know Nero?
OLD SPOCK: Sure. Here, let me into your brain so I can show you.
JIM KIRK: I don't know if that's such a good- okay, you're already doing it.
OLD SPOCK proceeds to explain the plot, which he could just as easily have done outside of JIM'S head but whatevs, he's Leonard Nimoy so he can do whatever the hell he pleases.
OLD SPOCK ends the meld and JIM stumbles away.
JIM KIRK: Whoa, that was intense.
OLD SPOCK: Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
JIM KIRK: It's okay, I guess. So we knew each other?
OLD SPOCK: Oh yeah, we were… great… friends. Yeah, friends. Anyway we should get going. Planets to safe all that.
JIM KIRK: Wait, in this other universe, did I know my father?
OLD SPOCK: In the other universe, I was your daddy.
JIM KIRK: What?
OLD SPOCK: I mean, yes, yes you did.
Back on the Enterprise MCCOY is having a hissy fit.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: Jim is a stallion, why did you maroon him?
SPOCK: A stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: I think I'll just…
SPOCK: Yeah, I'm gonna go back…
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: You do that.
Cut back to DELTA VEGA, which is just as cold and barren as it was when we last left it. OLD SPOCK and JIM arrive at the Starbase and are greeted by a little green cabbage man, who leads them to SCOTTY.
SCOTTY: Awesome, I'm finally getting off this planet!
OLD SPOCK: Scotty!
SCOTTY'S TRIBBLE: *is an awesome reference to TOS*
JIM KIRK: So I'm assuming you know him.
OLD SPOCK: Sure. He can get us off this godforsaken planet!
SCOTTY: And how am I gonna do that?
OLD SPOCK: By using a formula you haven't invented yet. I'll show you it!
JIM KIRK: Isn't that kind of cheating?
OLD SPOCK: Who are you to talk?
JIM KIRK: It's called thinking outside the box!
OLD SPOCK shows SCOTTY the formula and they are good to go.
JIM KIRK: Hey, you're coming with us, right?
OLD SPOCK: Oh yeah, to- no wait, I'm only being paid for like fifteen minutes of screen time. I mean, Spock can't know I exist, it might cause world-ending paradoxes. I am not just saying that. Just go without me, you'll do fine.
JIM KIRK: The hell I will! How do I take command of the ship?
OLD SPOCK: Just get Spock to kick the crap out of you, you're good at that.
JIM KIRK: I resent that. It's totally true, but I resent that.
JIM and SCOTTY get on the transportation pads.
OLD SPOCK: *does the Vulcan hand-thingy* Live long and prosper.
The Trekkies in the audience proceed to have another fangasm.
JIM and SCOTTY disappear and then appear back on the Enterprise. Some complications ensue, resulting in SCOTTY almost drowning (hilariously) and JIM and SCOTTY being arrested. Kind of.
CUPCAKE: I've been waiting three years for this… Cupcake!
JIM KIRK: You have no life, do you?
CUPCAKE: No I do not.
JIM and SCOTTY are brought to the bridge.
SPOCK: Rawr, how did you get here?
JIM KIRK: I'm not saying. Nananananana.
SPOCK: You, Scottish guy. How did you get here?
SCOTTY: Hey, I'm staying out of this.
JIM KIRK: Still not saying. Also, your mom.
SPOCK proceeds to attack JIM while the crew around them does nothing. He then pins JIM to a console and has his wicked way with him. By which I mean, chokes him. Still the crew does nothing. JIM turns blue.
Finally, SPOCK'S dad cuts in.
SPOCK: Aw, goddamnit. Welp, I guess I'm emotionally compromised now so I might as well give the ship to the mutinous cadet.
JIM KIRK: Yay!
Everyone else: Not yay.
SCOTTY: I like this ship!
JIM KIRK: Okay, let's go people, we've got a suicidal mission to complete! Let's kick some Romulan ass.
Meanwhile, SPOCK is getting a pep talk from his dad.
SPOCK: I feel angry.
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK: Do or do not. There is no try.
SPOCK: Eh, what?
SPOCK'S DADDY, SAREK: Sorry, wrong franchise. I mean, some advice that your mom might have given you. Y'know, if she wasn't dead. Which she is.
And back on the bridge, CHEKOV has pulled another magic solution out of his ass.
LEONARD 'BONES' MCCOY: I'm beginning to think we should make the kid Captain.
JIM KIRK: Yeah, not gonna happen. Now we just need someone suicidal enough to go on board the Romulan ship-
SPOCK: I volunteer.
JIM KIRK: No! You're too hot- I mean, I'll come with you.
Meanwhile, THE GIANT SHIP OF DOOM is getting ready to drill the Earth.
Yet again meanwhile, the Enterprise has arrived by Saturn and the visuals are stunning.
SPECIAL EFFECTS: Have we mentioned that we're so, so much better than the sixties?
HIKARU SULU: *technobabble*
PAVEL CHEKOV: Marry me.
Cut to JIM and SPOCK, who are getting ready for their suicide mission. JIM is being professional, while SPOCK is making out with his girlfriend.
JIM KIRK: Wait, when did this turn into the mirror verse?
SPOCK and UHURA mack lips some more.
UHURA: You'd better be back.
SPOCK: I will. Probably. Y'know, unless I die. Bye Nyota!
KIRK: Nyota? No wonder she didn't tell me her name.
SCOTTY: Righto, so I'm just gonna send you to the cargo bay. It'll probably be empty, unless dramatically convenient.
JIM and SPOCK beam onboard THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM, and are immediately under enemy fire.
JIM KIRK: Goddamn it, who the hell wrote this screenplay?
SPOCK: You can break the fourth wall later, let's go.
Meanwhile on the bridge of THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM…
RANDOM ROMULAN: Uh, so there are some intruders on board. Also, one of them is Vulcan.
NERO: Goddamn it!
Cut to JIM and SPOCK kicking ass and taking names.
JIM KIRK: You go get your information. I'll watch your ass- back, I mean back.
SPOCK melds with some Romulan dude.
JIM KIRK: You have the information?
SPOCK: Yeah. It's buried under loads and loads of fantasies about Orion slave girls, but I've got it.
JIM KIRK: Tell me about the slave girls later. Let's go!
They go and find OLD SPOCK'S spaceship, which recognizes SPOCK.
SHIP: Hai Ambassador Spock!
SPOCK: Did the ship just say-
JIM KIRK: Ambassador Spork?
SPOCK: No, I was gonna say-
JIM KIRK: Whoops, look at the time, gotta go. You can fly this, right?
SPOCK: Fine. But just so you know, our plan has like 4.3 % chances of succeeding.
JIM KIRK: Bitch, I'm James T. Kirk. It'll work.
SPOCK flies off on the JELLYFISH, while JIM goes to find CHRIS PIKE.
JIM KIRK: Oh, there's NERO. I'll just stand here and let my guard down to shout at him some. *gets ambushed by AYEL* Okay what is this, pick on Jim day?
NERO runs over to partake in some ass kicking as well.
NERO: I know your face from Earth's history.
JIM KIRK: I'm famous? Sweet.
NERO: Not in this universe. I'm gonna kill you before you get the chance.
JIM KIRK: Dude, why would you do that?
NERO: I'm spiteful that way.
He straddles JIM and proceeds to choke him.
AYEL: I think I once watched a gay porno that started like this…
Meanwhile, SPOCK is flying towards the spacedrill that is currently drilling a hole into the Earth. Before he gets the chance to shoot at it however, it crumbles to bits in a desperate attempt to escape him.
Back on THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM…
COMPUTER: The drill is ded. Sorry.
NERO: KHAAAAN- I mean, SPOOOOCK!
He leaps away like a goddamn gopher.
JIM KIRK: Oh thank god, I can finally stop getting wailed on.
AYEL: Not so soon.
JIM KIRK: Okay, what's the deal? Did I miss the memo, am I suddenly the movie's punching bag?
JIM KIRK: Meep.
JIM gets choked some more but then the movie remembers he's the main character, so he gets a hold of AYEL'S gun and shoots him. He even gets to deliver an awesome one-liner.
JIM KIRK: Please, please tell me this is the last time I get my ass handed to me.
Cut to SPOCK, who has decided the best course of action is to ram his ship into THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM. NERO fires some missiles at him, but just before they hit the Enterprise appears out of nowhere and saves the day, allowing SPOCK to complete his suicide mission.
JIM has meanwhile found CHRIS PIKE who, even tortured and paralyzed, manages to be badass and shoot an incoming Romulan.
Then JIM, SPOCK and CHRIS are beamed back on board the Enterprise, just before The JELLYFISH rams into THE GIANT SPACESHIP OF DOOM.
JIM KIRK: I love you Scotty. Now let's go back on the bridge so I can be awesome some more.
NERO hails them.
JIM KIRK: Hai! If you need help, we are totally willing to give it to you.
JIM KIRK: It's logical.
SPOCK: Screw logic!
NERO: I don't want your help! So nyah!
JIM KIRK: That's fine. Let's waste our ammunition on this ship that's getting sucked into a black hole, just to make sure they definitely die.
They do so. Everything is fine for a couple of seconds, until they remember that this is a black hole they're hovering by and they are getting sucked in.
JIM KIRK: Okay, staying to gloat was a bad idea. Can we get out of here?
SCOTTY: If we wreck the ship some more we can.
JIM KIRK: Shit, Pike's gonna kill me. Well, do it anyway.
He does and they get away at the last possible moment.
JIM KIRK: What'd I tell you? I'm James T. Kirk. As long as there's no bridges around, I'm unbeatable.
Cut to later, back on Earth. SPOCK is roaming the hallways of the STARFLEET ACADEMY when, *gasp*! It's OLD SPOCK!
SPOCK: This is so weird. Is the world gonna end?
OLD SPOCK: Nah, probably not.
SPOCK: Then why did you send Kirk on board by himself if you could have come with and explained? I almost killed him, you know.
OLD SPOCK: I didn't want to get in the way of your epic roma-, I mean, bromance.
Cut to even later, where JIM is being awarded a commendation.
ADMIRAL JAMES KOMACK: Congrats Captain Kirk.
JIM KIRK: Not gonna cry, not gonna cry…
CHRIS PIKE: Your father would be proud. *Music swells*
AUDIENCE: Ouch, my heartstrings.
Back on the Enterprise…
SPOCK: Permission to come aboard.
JIM KIRK: *grins* Permission granted. If you know what I mean.
SPOCK: I could have done without that last part.
JIM KIRK: Let's go!
This took me about two hours to write and read over. Shows how much effort went into it. Well, if you want to you can still review, if only to tell me how much it sucked :D
EDIT (21. may, 2010): Okay, I finally edited the damn thing. Not much changed really. I fixed all the grammatical errors I could find and added a couple of jokes.