Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any characters therein.

Haven't Been Buried by a Sandstorm Yet…

January 2nd

Hey, little cousin. How's the weather in Konoha?

That was probably the most cliché opening that ever existed, huh?

Okay, so I'm no good at this letter writing stuff yet. I'll have to practice. See, I figured-what with me being stationed in Suna for an 'undetermined period' and all-I should probably keep in touch so that you don't forget me (ha, ha). And what better way to make sure I do it than by making it a New Year's resolution?

Well, nothing much happening right now. On scout duty. Should probably be..well..scouting. Or something. See ya.


January 8th

Missed an intruder coming in while writing to you the other day. Turned out it was only some nutcase merchant from the next outpost over, but still. Got reamed by my superiors afterward. Damn.

So I should probably explain just where I am. Not supposed to be too specific, in case of letter interception, but here's the gist: It's hot. And sandy. And boy, does the sand get everywhere. In my shoes. In my hair. In my toothbrush, for god's sake. I actually woke up covered in a fine layer of the stuff this morning.

Yeah. Typical Suna, right? But as if that's not enough, I couldn't be assigned to the actual village, which at least resembles civilization. No, I got stuck with one of those run-down outposts-the kind that serve as warnings to the other posts because they're the first to get buried by sudden sandstorms. Great.

Been bored as hell. A reply would be nice.


January 9th


Neglecting your shinobi duties in favor of writing to me seems a foolish thing to do.


January 10th

Gee, nice to hear from you too. Blunt as ever, eh, Itachi?

So how's Sasuke doing? Aunt Mikoto? Fugaku still working you to death?


January 12th

Sasuke and my mother are healthy. Thank you for asking.


Postscript: I could not help but notice your lack of concern over the wellbeing of my father.

January 15th

Yeah, well, I think he's a grumpy prick sometimes. A lot of the time. Most of the time.

Moving on…

Well, we had some excitement yesterday. Scouts caught a guy trying to sneak over the border with a fake Suna hitae-ate. Turns out he was a missing nin from Kiri. A pretty low-level one, but still. Anything to break the monotony, and we might get a bit of reward money, besides. Not that there's anything to use money on out here.

One of the guys on assignment with me (not allowed to mention names, security and all) has been noticing my sudden interest in letters. He thinks I've got a girlfriend back home. Ha. Hear that, Itachi? You're a girl!


January 17th

Insulting one's father is not the best way to ensure one continues writing to you. Just something to keep in mind.

Concerning your companion, why do I get the feeling you didn't bother to correct him when he assumed I was your lover?


Postscript: Sasuke says hello.

January 24th

Just got back from an excursion-excuse me, I mean 'important meeting'-in the village. Halle-freaking-lujah. I was getting to the end of my rope with my 'companions', as you so diplomatically put it. They're nice enough guys, but when you're stuck together in a tiny amount of space around the clock…well, anyone would start getting on your nerves.

So we spent a week in Suna (one of us had to stay behind to hold down the fort-we drew straws; I felt sorry for the poor sucker who lost and accepted his fate without realizing another guy had cheated. Not sorry enough to call for a redraw, at any rate). It's just as hot inside the village as out, unfortunately. Sigh. Not even a month and I'm already pining for Konoha and its trees. Just greenery in general. It doesn't really exist out here. I have no idea how there's enough oxygen to go around, because there are NO TREES. Gah.

I think the heat is slowly driving me insane. I'm actually having wistful daydreams about grass.


P.S. Tell the squirt I said hello too.

January 27th


Enclosed are some blades of grass.


January 31st

Ah-ha, so you do care!

Thanks for the grass. I almost cried upon witnessing the lovely color known as green once again. I'll probably start sniffling like an idiot once it dies.


February 2nd

Don't flatter yourself. It was Sasuke's idea.

On that note, I'm sure Konoha has enough grass to keep you well supplied until you return.


February 5th

Aw, you know you love me.

Tell the squirt thanks.


February 6th

Sasuke says you're welcome. He needs to just begin writing to you himself, instead of using me as a convenient excuse.


February 7th

Mother sends her regards as well, which she did not inform me of before I sent the last letter.

I feel rather like a secretary.


February 10th

Thank her for me, huh?

Ha ha, I just got this great mental image of you with your hair pulled up, wearing those little glasses that all secretaries seem to wear…See, this is one good thing about correspondence via letter. I can bait you all I want, and you can't injure me for it. (I can still imagine you sending the Uchiha Death Glare in my direction, though. Pretty vividly, in fact. Curse it all…)


February 13th

'Uchiha Death Glare'…I know of no such thing. And you're probably going to explain it now. In detail.


February 14th

You say that like it's a bad thing. I'm hurt, Itachi, I really am…

Well, I mustn't let down your expectations of me. Here's the gist: Members of the Uchiha clan have this inherent ability to strike people down with their eyes if they're sufficiently enraged. No, I'm not talking about the Sharingan. It's called the Uchiha Glare.

Now, there are several different types of Uchiha Glare (modes, if you will). There's Irritated Mode, when the Uchiha in question is merely irked and you have time to fix whatever you did wrong before you get set on fire.

The next one is Angry Mode, when the Uchiha is pissed off and terrible things could be about to happen. But depending on the disposition of the individual, you MAY still have time to patch things up before horrors ensue.

Then there is Homicidal Mode, when the Uchiha has gone leaping over the edge of sanity and nothing can save you now, you poor sap. With luck you will have had the foresight to write your will ahead of time; otherwise you are quite probably stupid. 'Course, if you weren't stupid, you wouldn't have angered an Uchiha to this extent in the first place.

For your edification, the three Modes can be generally summed up with the umbrella term known as 'Uchiha Death Glare'. This term could be referring to any Mode, from 'Irritated' to 'Homicidal'.

And they call you the smart one. Tsk, tsk.


P.S. Happy Valentine's Day. (Because it'd just be rude if I didn't say it.)

February 16th

Considering some of the notions you have had previously, you should consider it a particular accomplishment when I say that that was possibly the most ridiculous thing you have ever come up with.


February 18th

I do try. You're such a stick in the mud; one of us has to come up with good stuff every once in a while.

Before I forget, I probably won't be writing again for a bit. One of my superiors caught me writing on duty the other day (yeah, I know, I really should've learned my lesson the first time) and has been watching me like…like…like Hyuga Hiashi would watch some kid he thought had an eye on one of his daughters. Byakugan, metaphorical Evil Eye and all.

Anyway, he assigned me the most unpleasant duty at the post (which I won't explain; I'll leave it up to your imagination) for a week and unless I want to make it permanent, I'd better lay low for awhile.

Pray for my survival.


February 25th

I'm off the punishment work but Hawk Man is still watching me and he thinks I'm in the bathroom right now so I need to be quick; just letting you know I still won't be in touch. Until this jerk finds somebody else to torture hope you're doing well.


March 20th

Thank you God; I am a free man again!

A new guy traded places with Hawk Man the other day, and he doesn't seem to know anything about my criminal activities, so I don't need to be as paranoid about flying under the radar.

So, during my month-long absence, has anything interesting happened on your end?


P.S. I wouldn't say no to some more grass, just so you know. My last ones died slow, browning deaths days ago, and my state of mind has been deteriorating since.

March 23rd


Enclosed are some blades of grass.


March 24th

You're impossible. You don't hear from me for a month, I finally get back in touch, and all I get is a lousy photocopy of one of your old letters?!


March 25th

I sent you the grass, did I not?


Postscript: I did not copy anything. I apologize if my letter writing is not up to your standards.

March 27th

Yeah, I guess you did. Thanks for that.

Well, can't exactly stay mad at you. I'll just have to forgive your general apathy and lack of emotion towards your poor stranded best friend.


P.S. Speaking of the grass, I showed it off to some of the guys. I get the feeling you could probably start a greenery-importing business; that's how happy they seemed to be. Most of them have been here for months longer than I have.

March 28th


I am already 'exporting' greenery to you. I would rather my dignity not be compromised any further.


March 31st

Ha, fair enough.

Just to give you a heads up-myself and half of the others up here are off on a manhunt tomorrow. Remember that low-level Kiri missing nin from awhile back? Apparently the sensor ninja have been noticing strange chakra patterns in the area around us recently, and they think the guy's buddies might try to bail him out before he's executed (how stupid are they? There's no way the guy is still kicking months later).

Anyway, it might be nothing, but we're still being deployed to check things out. I better double-check my gear (as it hasn't seen action in the better part of three months).


April 3rd

I assume the mission is concluded by now. Was anyone found?


April 10th

If you replied to my last letter, it was lost in the mail. Just so that you are aware.


April 15th


April 7th

April Fool's!


April 17th

Judging by your continual and increasingly panicky stream of letters, I'm guessing my last one got to you late, huh? Yeah, the manhunt thing was a joke. I can't believe you didn't get it! I sent that thing on the last day of March, for crying out loud.

Soo…Apparently you freak out a little when I'm gone for too long (even if I was technically only out of contact for a week). Missed me, did you?


April 21st

Hey, Itachi, don't tell me you're sore about the joke? That's all it was. A joke. You're not letting it get under your skin, are you?

C'mon, I was trying to be funny. Talk to me.


April 25th

Okay, my sense of humor is crap. Point taken. Will you quit ignoring me already?


April 30th

Itachi, look. I get it. You thought I was dead. Or terribly injured or something. And it was a really shitty thing for me to let you believe. It was a prank, it was in bad taste, and I suck for pulling it on you.

So, I'm sorry. I know I'm an idiot sometimes (yeah, guessing this is one of those times), but you're my best friend. Contact with you keeps me SANE out here, and I miss your infuriating left-braindness and sarcasm.

This, for the record, is as mushy as I have ever gotten. My dignity is in tatters. Don't waste my sacrifice? Please?


April 27th

Yes, your sense of humor is terrible. I am finished ignoring you, but rest assured that if you ever see fit to repeat such a stunt in the future, I will never write another letter again.


May 1st

Just got your last letter and holy damn, I am going to murder whoever passes letters between Konoha and Suna for getting that one to me late. If you get one from me dated the thirtieth, burn it, you hear?! Do not open it!


May 5th

I received no such letter. What exactly did you write? It might explain why Sasuke has been looking at me so oddly these past few days.


May 7th

I wrote nothing! Nothing to see here, nothing at all!

But hey, that's not priority one at the moment. Because I just got great news.


May 8th



May 8th

I'm coming home today.

See you soon.



A/N: Oh yes. I had fun writing that.

Two posts in one day? A miracle, it must be. (Let's just forget for the moment that neither post is an update on one of my serials. I'm sorry!) And yes, the title is flippin' weird. Get over it. XD