In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"Should we name the station?" Asked Johnny.
"This hunk of junk?" Came back Shania. "Why?"
"Well, we have been here awhile." Johnny pulled out a sketchpad. "Well, exactly nine days. But still, we could be stuck here a whole while longer. So I think we should make ourselves at home, and give our new home a name."
"Do you name every place you live in?"
"You didn't say anything about the Garland Detective Agency."
"That was different. We lived in our job."
"And this is our job now." Shania glared at Johnny, despite he was totally right. "So…?"
"Hunk of Junk."
"That's the best you can come up with? Shania…"
"Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Hunk of Junk." Yuri and Alice had walked in, with Yuri calling out to the audience. "Today, we christened our new home. And…" Yuri clapped his hands together. "…we're waiting for what story we shall watch today. They're actually late today." Yuri looked at his wrist, despite the lack of a watch. "I may not have a watch on…or own a watch…but they're late for about…two hours?" Alice nodded. "Two hours."
"So?" Shania retorted. "That's good. We have a day off. Let us enjoy this while we can, before they bring down the screen and say those evil words." She grabbed a book. "And, yes, I probably jinxed us, but still, I want to enjoy this silence. I want to finish my book." She buried her head into the book. Alice walked up to the only other female member on board.
"Umm…Shania?" She asked.
"What book are you reading? The cover…doesn't have a title. Why is that?"
"It's none of your damn business." Shania replied with little emotion.
"What…" Before Alice could really get angry, the light came on.
"Sorry, Shania. Looks we have a job to do. Doctor Spamlot is calling."
Nicolai's smug grin was the first thing everyone saw. The Hunk of Junk's crew had a little scream. Unlike Gilbert's dirty mug, the simple act of putting on a small smile was Nicolai's calling card.
"Why, hello. I see that you're entertaining yourself with a menial task. I can tell that you're bored. But don't worry, I shall help you by giving you a more…interesting task. And…before you ask, I locked Gilbert in a spare office to unlock the file I bought back. Say…are you still scared about my project?"
"If you ask, yes." Yuri replied.
"Good." Nicolai backed away from the screen, and sat down on a nice red chair, different from the purple chair that Gilbert often used. "Anyway, Gilbert did leave me some instructions on today…" Nicolai reached into his pocket and pulled out a yellow note. "…Ah. Show them today's story. All right." Nicolai grabbed a video tape from under the table. "Today's thing…is…'Legolas by Laura.' Apparently it's a Mary Sue story set in the Lord of the Rings universe. The author never finished it, but…according to the notes of Gilbert, that's a good thing."
"Ah, a Mary-Sue story!" Johnny said. "Haven't had one of those since the beginning."
"Well, Gilbert may be a loon, but he's a right loon. I would take his advice very seriously." Nicolai balled up the note and threw it over his shoulder. "So…enjoy."
*WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP* *WHEEP*
"STORY SIGN!" Everyone shouted as they ran into the theater.
Nicolai blinked. "Why do they say that?"
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day
Yuri: He realized that he really hated pudding.
he found a baby whaped in colth
Alice: Elmer Fudd is giving English classes, I see.
so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said
Johnny (Legolas): Where the hell is my periods and commas?
"who left you here little one"
and then the baby just cryed
Yuri: Because he hates Legolas.
Johnny (Baby): Link is better! Link is better!
and then Legolas pick her up
Alice: And throws it!
and hold her and then the baby stoped crying
Johnny: And then, and then, and then, and then…
and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"
Shania: Isn't that Elvish for "Obvious love interest"?
and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse
Yuri: And then?
and went back to the castle where he lived.
Alice: HEY! There's a period! Took you long enough!
Johnny: Looks like Legolas moved out of his cave!
Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods
Johnny (Legolas): I also lost my punctuations!
and then Legolas mother got up and walked down
Shania: To hell.
and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".
Yuri: When they're drunk, of course.
Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"
Alice: (Legolas' father): We could get a tax discount!
and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
Alice: Sounds like an obscure, badly translated 80's Japanese RPG.
10 Years Later
Shania: Duke Nukem Forever is still two years away before release.
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said
Yuri (Legolas): MARY SUE! DIE!
Alice (L): Hey! I thought I kicked you out.
Johnny (L): Pay me.
"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".
Alice: And a contest started to see how many 'good mornings' could be said!
Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said
Johnny (Laura): Why are there so many "and then"s?
Alice: It shows the passing of time in the most simplest of forms.
"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"
Shania (Legolas): But first, ride me!
and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".
Yuri: 10 years of living in a castle, and she doesn't haven't any clothes?
Shania: She's a Mary Sue. She makes her clothes from her hair.
Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived
Alice (Strider): But first, off to White Castle.
and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister" and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".
Johnny: Gee, I wonder why no one knew?
Mean While at Mondor
Shania: The Entertainment District in Mordor!
Alice: Also where the vacationers stay.
the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess
Yuri: Bad guys aren't original any more.
Johnny: Meanwhile, Bowser was planning to kidnap Peach.
Shania: Let's watch that instead.
but not Legolas.
Alice: I'm sorry, I thought Legolas was the princess.
Yuri: You sure?
Then the boss of the Orcs came and said
Johnny (Boss Orc): I want to buy a condo.
"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said
Shania (D.L.): Also, do my grocery shopping.
"yes you can".
Yuri: Oh, the Dark Lord is Bob the Builder.
Johnny: Self-help books are his past-time.
Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding
Alice: Mary Sues are fast learners.
and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"
Johnny (Legolas): Oh? That's Cthulhu. Fun guy!
and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"
Shania: Gandalf and Strider. Gandalf and Strider. Gandalf and Strider.
Johnny: I'm sorry, who are they?
and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen"
Yuri: And now, the riveting dialogue of introductions.
and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said
Alice (Leoglas): I'm bored. Can we kill something?
"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".
Johnny (Legolas): I can't get rid of her!
Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"
Shania (Legolas): Don't seduce them!
and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"
Yuri: Princess? Of what?
Alice: Or of Plot Convenience
and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"
Alice: OH HO! Now we know how Laura ended up in the forest!
Yuri: Legolas forgot thanks to the amount of booze he downed afterwards.
and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"
Johnny: Darn! How can I hurt her if Legolas gets in the way?
and then Legolas looked up and said
Shania (Legolas): Huh. Cats and dogs are coming down.
"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".
Yuri: Like a thousand voices?
Johnny: Crying out at once?
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"
Alice & Shania (Gandalf & Strider): Can we have a discount?
Yuri (Legolas): NO!
and then they had tea and went to bed.
Johnny: And then they had sex!
Alice: I'll let it slide. It's going there.
During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.
Shania: Her room is evil, man!
Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura
Yuri: And then tossed her? Please!
Johnny: And then and then and then…
and then Laura woke up and screamed
Alice (Laura): I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!
and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".
Johnny: When you hire 'gards', this stuff is bound to happen.
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor
Shania: MON-DOR! Eh, not as epic.
and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did
Yuri: Hopefully, off a cliff. Like in the movies!
and then the Dark lord came out of the fire
Alice (D.L.): OH GOD, I'M ON FIRE!
and said"welcome Laura"
Johnny (D.L.): WELCOME…TO DIE!
Yuri: We gotta to stop using that.
and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"
Shania (Laura): It IS butter!
and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.
Yuri: Laura failed to realize that she can't walk through walls.
Then the Dark lord said
Alice (D.L.): You have to pay to use our casinos!
"put her into the cell and bet her
Johnny: I bet against her.
and also do what ever you want with her
Shania: KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
but do not kill her".
Shania: Oh, you suck!
Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell
Yuri: They got a ship so they can get her into a cell?
and then they shut the door.
Alice: Get off the floor!
Yuri: Everyone run with the dinosaur!
Laura go up and went to the window
Alice (Laura): I can see my castle from here!
Johnny: Of course she can.
and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.
Johnny: But the wishing star didn't care.
Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood
Shania: Ah, such a funny name!
Johnny: I bet you they serve good booze.
Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.
Yuri: Like Homer's Iliad, only written by a rabid fangirl.
Shania: Don't provoke me - wretched headstrong girl! Or in my immortal rage I may just toss you over.
Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened
Alice: Everyone got the floor and walked the dinosaur!
Yuri: Are we going to do that every time?
and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains
Johnny: And then the Orcs did something else!
Alice: Chains can't hold a Mary-Sue!
and then one of the Orcs striped her
Shania: Zebras are funny.
and then he raped her
Shania: BUT THAT'S NOT! AUGH!
Alice: Why are these stories sexually mad?
and then Laura said"go away you bastard".
Yuri: And now: SFU. Special Fantasy Unit.
Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard
Alice: Whip it good!
Johnny: When there is a whip, there's a way…
and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death
Johnny: Laura is a horrible gambler.
Yuri: If you have Orc debt collectors on your tail, then you have problems.
and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
Shania: So…to recap, Laura was first raped, then tortured, and then poisoned.
Yuri: For a Mary Sue, she takes a lot of abuse.
Alice: But she's a Mary Sue. She'll live.
Few hours later
Yuri: We missed something epic, didn't we?
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.
Alice (Legolas): Those condos are rip-offs!
Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body
Johnny: And saw nothing but perfection.
there was blood and scars
Shania: Oh! She's a cutter!
she only could move her right arm but not her left.
Yuri: She could move her left third toe, but not her right second toe!
Then Laura said"I feel so cold"
Alice: Oh, please, let there be wolves!
and then she can't see very well.
Johnny: Delayed-action syndrome much?
At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others
Shania: Were waiting for the pool to open.
and then they said"let Laura go"
Yuri: Red rover, red rover, let Laura come over!
and then the Dark lord said"no"
Alice: That was fast. The end!
Shania (D.L.): You have to pay to park!
and then Legolas said"right lesson
Johnny: No, I want a left lesson.
I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura
Shania (Legolas): And give her a right lesson.
and you and the others will find another way in.
Yuri (D.L.): Uhh…hey. I'm right here.
Johnny (Legolas): Ignore him.
Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.
Alice: And the Dark Lord just stood there.
Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor
Johnny: And thus breaking the pool rules.
and went into the castle.
Shania: So the Dark Lord just allowed the army to enter his castle?
Johnny: That open door policy will never work.
Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord
Yuri (Gandalf): Oh crap! I left the One Ring at home!
and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"
Alice (Strider): May you die quickly and painless!
and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".
Johnny (Gandalf): Because I'm going to die!
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.
Shania: I'm sorry, but your princess is in another….
Johnny: We're calling Laura a princess now?
Legolas said"Laura are you in there"
Yuri: Is Legolas blind?
and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"
Alice (Laura): After five weeks!
and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"
Johnny (Laura): I haven't been kissed in over a minute!
and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"
Shania: Well, I guess that's why he's a sniper.
Alice (Laura): How did you know?
Johnny (Legolas): I wore a orc suit.
and then Laura said"how did you know that".Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".
Yuri: OH, GEE. THAT'S NICE!
Johnny: Man rape? What's with our stories and their weird fetishes?
Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"
Alice (Legolas): I'm leaving this story!
and then he ran back
Johnny: Out the window!
and ran towards the door and knock it down.
Shania: Thus falling to his death.
Yuri (Laura): And I thought I was dumb!
and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars
Alice: So…you saw the torture, but missed the obvious?
Yuri: Those scars are shy.
also she was naked"
Johnny: Of course he noticed that.
and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"
Shania: For obvious reasons.
and then the Orcs came and said
Yuri (Orc): We're going to sing a SssOooNnnGgg….
"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".
Alice: Oh, it looks like Laura needs to learn how to share.
Then the fright began
Johnny: The horror!
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.
Shania: Hey! Aim behind you, behind you!
Yuri: But wait! 'Them' could be fangirls!
Shania: Then...aim in front of you, in front of you!
Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"
Yuri: Strider is back with a new ability!
and then Strider said"yes it is"
Alice (Strider): Can you help? I'm stuck in this form.
and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.
Johnny: Call Jackson, we have a idea for a action scene!
Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
Shania: Sounds like fun! Let's distory Laura!
Alice: I'll get my eraser.
Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"
Yuri: I wish I was big!
Johnny (Gandalf): I also wish that I had ice cream and whipped cream and a wide-screen TV and...
and then a sword came out of nowhere
Alice: A shot rang out!
and said"some wished us here"
Johnny: Well, I didn't!
and then Gandalf turned and said"
Shania (Gandalf): I'm an old man.
Johnny (Gandalf): I like pudding.
Frodo baggins why you doing here".
Yuri: Hey! When can you teleport?
Shania: Imagine the length of the original story if they had that.
Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"
Alice: So much dumb in one sentence. Wow.
Shania: But how will they wed without a ring?
and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"
Johnny: So he's Mr. Bill too?
Alice: It's a part-time job.
and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
Shania: The end?
Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down
Yuri: She can't do everything, you know!
and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
Alice: She burned the cape away though, as it wasn't her favorite color.
FEW HOURS LATER
Johnny: The cookies are ready!
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.
Shania: Ah, do we have to watch the credits?
Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".
Yuri (Legolas): We really should make more hospitals, I'm getting tired of going there.
Johnny: It's a wise investment.
Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"
Alice: For the first time ever!
and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.
Johnny: Hopefully, Laura will die along the way.
Yuri: Or a bear will get her.
Legolas looked down on Laura
Shania: Like we all do.
and put his hand onto Laura's head
Yuri: And then removed it?
and she was bruning up.
Alice: Guess we can't call her a dumb blonde now.
Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked
Johnny: Far away.
Alice: So far away!
and said"she is getting wose"
Shania (Strider): I also lowse a tooth!
and then Legolas said"I know".
Yuri (Legolas): That's why I'm taking my time!
FEW HOURS LATER
Alice: Copy and pasted, for the third time!
They were at Rivendell
Johnny: Why, I didn't know that!
and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up
Shania: He just couldn't smother her.
and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips
Yuri: This can be considered statutory rape. No, it is.
and then she moved her arms around Legolas
Alice: And squeezed, and squeezed...
Johnny: Why'd it have to be snakes?
and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said
Johnny: If these two are going to sing, I'm leaving.
"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"
Shania: Gah! Legolas has turned into a stereotypical gay guy!
Alice (Legolas): Fabulous!
and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"
Yuri: Isn't Legolas a little too old to be a boyfriend?
Shania: A little is an understatement.
Alice (Legolas): Listen, I think it's creepy to date the person I consider to be my sister.
and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"
Alice (Legolas): But hey, I like creepy!
and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.
Johnny: It shall last hours and hours.
Shania: It shall also be beautiful.
Yuri: And fabulous…. Wait. Crap!
Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then
Shania: And then, the world exploded from the overload of 'and then'!
Alice: You can't hear it, but this kid's English teacher is rolling in her grave.
Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"
Yuri: Copy and paste. I won't be surprised if this story is someone else story, with Laura's edits.
and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"
Alice: Meme it! Meme it!
and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".
Johnny (Legolas): But not your right!
Then the door opened and it was Strider
Shania: Strider is both a sword and a door?
Johnny: More than meets the eye, indeed.
and then Laura said"Hello Strider"
Yuri: Are we going to do this again?
and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
Alice: Wait. IT'S OVER?
Johnny: Yeah. The author never finished it. It just ends like that. Thank god.
Yuri: Ab-lib time!
Johnny:…turned into a Terminator!
Shania:….ruled the world!
Yuri:…was just left there, leaving the real cast to have more interesting adventures.
Johnny: Thank you, and good night!
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
"Woah! Yuri!" Johnny ran up and pulled back Yuri's head back, stopping him from hitting his head against the keyboard again. Yuri pushed Johnny back and shook his head. "Why did you stop me?"
"Yuri! That's brain damage you're doing to yourself! Stop!" Johnny pulled Yuri out of his chair and tried to restrain him. But this didn't last long, as Yuri was far bigger and stronger than the teen detective. Yuri threw Johnny off and sat back down. "Will you let me explain?" Said Yuri. Johnny nodded, silently agreeing.
"I'm writing a story on the line with today's. While racking my brain to get into the mindset of Laura, I figured, what the hell? Instead of thinking like Laura, just do what she did! Bang her head on the keyboard and then edit the typing to make a story!" Yuri turned the monitor so Johnny could see it. "Here, read this. I would like some opinions." Johnny groaned, and looked closely.
Kyhrjjy'jfbvc bflbhfd;g'fn frprj
Bfgmhtgf'ng/b m 'mjgblgfpofbg/gbfd/'sfvgbfd/dbfrdf;
Erwqdb gfds rhjmgfdretyrtjkgfds qdfghjgfdsrethjhgfds fnmhjhgfds
"Actually, that's better than Laura." Said Johnny. "It's a lot funnier."
"I agree." Yuri rubbed his chin. "Screw editing! I'm going to post this like how it is!"
"What're you going to call it?" Asked Johnny, as Yuri pulled up .
"Legolas by Laura: Part Two." Yuri logged in, and went to post it.
However, Yuri fell off his chair and hit a random wooden plank. (Random because of random) The plank fell down, and hit a shelf. The shelf tilted, and a red ball rolled off into a tin can, being suspended by a wire on a balance. The can dipped down, and with it, the balance. The balance sent a second can rolling down, and the can fell off, and hit a second balance sending a second ball flying into a slide.
"What…" Yuri said.
"Oh, I set up a Rube Goldberg machine to end the show." Johnny answered.
"Hey, I like that." Yuri replied. "Let's watch."
The ball hit a switch on a fan, turning it on. Of course, the plastic boat moved across the pool and the pool cue roped to it tapped over a domino, and the chain began. The dominos created a pattern of a flower, and one solo domino went flying into an old cuckoo-clock, hitting the hour hand to the top. The cuckoo, actually a third red ball (A entire closet of ted balls could be found in the men's room.) flew out. The ball went into a funnel and finally went to the last slide to the button.
"I mostly spent my time setting up the dominos." Johnny admitted.
"Good nig…." Yuri didn't have time to finish his sentence, as the ball hit the switch, ending the show.
The opening and ending scenes are the hardest to write. Yeah, this is work is lazy; copy and paste the original story into Word, Bold it, and write the material. I do the jokes first, then the opening and ending last. Yeah, you don't care, do ya? Are you even reading this? Are you? Come on.
Yeah, back to Presley next time. Review, if you like, and, if you have the time, read and review my other stories. I would like some criticism.