MAIN CHARACTERS: The Twins (George and Fred), Professor McGonagall, Miss Norris, The Giant Squid.
SIDE CHARACTERS: Percy, Angelina Johnson, Harry, Ron, Hermione, First Years who heard the F-word.
(WISHFUL) MENTION OF: Penelope Clearwater, Dumbledore, Dudley, Draco Malfoy, Slytherins, Molly Weasley, ''Professor'' Filch.
TIME: Happens in Harry's year 3.
Friday evening Percy came marching down the boys' dormitories' stairs, carrying a bag with his toiletry set and his bathrobe. The nasty expression on his face couldn't be more self-satisfied. The Twins immediately noticed it. George stopped taking apart his firecracker (he was only destroying it to ''improve'' it), and poked Fred: »Look, Percy the Pest looks even more snobbish than usually.«
»Exactly,« confirmed Fred, still playing with his Fanged Frisbee.
»I guess he's gonna meet his girl-« George told his theory. Fred immediately switched from idle mode to prankish mode; he let his Frisbee go and when it flew off, it accidentally bit off one of Angelina Johnson's dreadlocks. She looked angrily at Fred, who immediately pointed at George. George, in turn, hit him on the head, but Fred had no time to return it, because Percy was explaining on top of his voice: »Harry, I'm so glad I found you here-«
»Me too, me too, Harry, love of my life-« Fred mocked him from a safe distance. Percy ignored his troublemaking brother, Harry looked at him angrily, Ron snickered, but Hermione only rolled her eyes and kept reading the dictionary.
»... for I am going to do my duty as a Prefect. I must routinely inspect the level of hygiene in Prefect's bathroom facilities.«
»I must routinely inspect the lovely titties of Penelope Clearwater,« Fred said, now loud and proud. Ron snickered even more, and from his expression the Twins knew that he wanted to ask something very badly. But his question was forbidden, of course, because at Hogwarts one could not mention bodily love and get away with it! Percy turned around and barked at all his younger brothers to get back to their homework.
»As if we have nothing better to do,« Fred stuck out his tongue.
»Anyways, Harry, while I do the inspection, I will appoint you to control the discipline in the Common room.«
»And, if it makes you feel any better, Harry, any less stressful, we do NOT recognize you as the major discipline ruler around here!« George winked at him.
»We only recognize Peeves,« Fred laughed.
»And The Giant Squid too, but only, when he has his moments,« George joked. Ron gave a hearty laugh and Hermione looked at him in a very reprimanding way.
»I shall not return very soon, but you should not worry about me. For I have to write an extensive report about cleanliness of the facilities once I have inspected them. I want to do my job properly, so this might mean I will be up all night.«
»Watch out to sharpen your pen!« George winked at him and Fred just burst in laughter.
Harry only dared to laugh after Percy had climbed through the portrait hole.
»He's gonna hit another hole tonight,« Fred said in an expert voice. Hermione froze and pierced him with her eyes: »That's enough, Fred! Don't you feel ashamed about yourself? There are little children listening at you!«
»And they should listen well, if they wanna be as cool as us one day,« George was being smart.
»Your behaviour lately is far from cool,« Hermione continued coldly, »... all you care about is doing stupid things. Have you done any homework yet?«
»They put up a poster of a bikini girl on the door of their dorm,« Ron snickered, »With a permanent sticking charm! They kick ass!«
»And over it they wrote: SHE HAS BETTER TITTIES THAN PENELOPE! Percy finds it totally annoying, but he can't get rid of it!« Harry explained.
»How childish! Luckily I don't have to go past it every day,« huffed Hermione with her nose in the dictionary now.
»When you grow yours, we may put up your picture, Hermione,« offered Fred in a mock gentlemanly voice and skillfully avoided the dictionary that flew across the room.
»Ron will be thrilled,« George laughed and Ron made a sick face: »Don't make me puke!«
»That's enough!« Hermione cried on top of her voice and stormed away to her bed.
»See what a thud you are? You made her cry!« George told Ron off.
»Stop it, bro. He's never gonna be a Casanova, anyway. She better gets used to it as soon as possible.«
»Don't you think you've crossed the line now?« Harry suggested humbly, »I've never seen Hermione so hysterical before, not even when a troll attacked her.«
»Ron, see, what a troll you are?!« Fred winked at him, but surprisingly Ron did exactly the same thing as Hermione, only silently: he ran up to his bed as fast as he could.
»That's enough, guys. Even for you, enough of lowly tricks. What's your problem, anyways?«
»What's my problem?!« Fred almost exploded in disgust, »My problem?! That Percy the Prick can even do the do all over the school, but every time I try to make an innocent joke, I'm the criminal of the century! That's my fucking problem!«
»Chill out,« George poked him and turned to scared first years: »He's not yelling at you. And you've never heard the f-word, ok?«
»And every time I manage to make a joke work, there's some little crybaby wimp like Ron that makes me look like a monster or a hysterical chick like Hermione that freaks out at every compliment and there's also some professor who puts us in the same detention, even though George isn't half as bad as me!«
»True, true,« George nodded, »Anyways, Percy the Pervert can really do the do any place he pleases and teachers would still eat out of his hand.«
»Because Dumbledore told them to leave him alone!!!« Fred yelled in frustration, »We went to him, we've been to his office-«
»I can't believe you sneaked on your own brother?« Harry asked in disgust.
»We can't believe you'd EVER sneak on Dudley, if he was at this school and if you saw him doing forbidden stuff?« George raised his eyebrows and starred piercingly at Harry.
»Um, well, yeah, of course I would ... I mean, if he was still bullying me ... well, I didn't sneak on Malfoy, though ... he's a nasty little git, but still ...«
»Malfoy is just some nasty little git at school! How about a nasty little git you have to endure the whole summer?!«
»Yeah, guys, you're right. But this is way too tiring conversation for Friday evening. Especially, if I wanna be up early to practice Quidditch.«
»No-go. Slyths have booked the pitch. We've been to professor Hooch's office today, but too late.«
»How do you guys always manage to stay on top of things plus doing all the pranks?«
»We shall not reveal you the secret of our success,« Fred laughed at Harry, but George gave the idea a second thought: »Maybe we can tell him the secret – but not yet today! Hm, if you lend us the map we gave you not so long ago, then we may make some deal tomorrow.«
»Right. Just don't use it for some prank on Ron and Hermione. You've hurt them enough today. Too much, in my humble opinion.«
»If The Boy Who Lived says so, when he is in charge for discipline, then we will not mess with him,« Fred joked, »Enough is enough, that's what I always say, especially when mom is giving us a lecture.«
»We promise we will not come close to Hermione or to our little brother the whole weekend,« George held his hand in solemn promise, winked at Fred and Fred did the same. Harry bid them goodnight and they all got up to the dormitories. They dropped by Harry's bedroom to collect the Marauders' Map. In front of the portrait hole the Twins checked the map. George's plan had worked: »High five, man! He's inside! Let's get them barricaded inside till the morning! Nothing easier, if you're friendly with the house-elves!«
»And then we run straight to professor McGonagall! We'll get that Percy the Pervert busted once and for all!«
The hyperactive Twins did not consider sleep that night. The prospect of punishing Percy and publicly humiliating him was way too tempting. They occupied room of requirement as their headquarters, and house-elves were either reporting them on regular basis, or bringing them good food from the kitchens. They were not missed in their dormitory. Everyone was relieved to spend a night without midnight (intentional or not) explosions and other pranks. Of course, when Percy was making out with Penelope in Prefects' bathroom, little he knew (and even less cared) that two students were out of bed. Even though they would have brought shame to his family, not only to his Gryffindor house!
Early morning, Percy and Penelope were still sleeping on piles of towels, but the Twins needed to freshen up, so they decided to have a small unofficial Quidditch practice by the lake. They couldn't go on the pitch, the Slytherin team had booked it for that morning.
Just as Fred cursed juicily to illustrate how he felt about Slytherins having the pitch, George hissed at him, and Miss Norris hissed at both of them. She flicked the tip of her tail and gave another annoying hiss. Fred got the idea: »Shall we go and kidnap her?«
»Pity she's too bony to make a good Bludger,« George expertly observed.
»She would do considerable damage to any face she hits, though,« Fred said dreamily.
»Let's hope she'd hit Malfoy right in his ratty nose,« George said wishfully.
»You read my mind,« Fred laughed.
»Hot tempered, are we, young men?« Professor McGonagall.
»Depends who asks,« Fred winked at her.
»How dare you be so impertinent?!«
»He doesn't dare, that's just the way he is,« George explained with a grin.
»Do not try my patience, Mister Weasley!«
»I assure you, this is the last thing we'd ever do,« George adopted Peeves' oily voice.
»And I assure you that I'm not buying any of your provocation. Would you please proceed to my office and explain yourselves?! For example, you two planned to kidnap an innocent pet-«
»Innocent my arse-« Fred made a face.
»Language, Mister Weasley! It is high time that you correct your way of expressing yourself!«
»Allow me,« George said hastily, »So, take two: Innocent my backside-«
»Ten points from Gryffindor – each.«
»Come on, have a heart!« Fred yelled in despair.
»When you two have manners, but no sooner, I'm afraid. I will have further interrogation about Miss Norris and about your planned attack on Mister Malfoy in my office. For now I've only had an idea for appropriate punishment: you two will clean her cat toilet-«
»Oh, shit!« Fred gawped in horror.
»No way!!!« George yelled.
»-in turns, every morning and evening for the following month. Or shall I make it two months?«
»NO!« the Twins yelled together.
»The cat toilet, of course,« McGonagall continued calmly, »is to be found in Mister Filch's office.«
»I'm not going over to that old stinker every day!« protested Fred.
»Do you realize this is the grossest punishment ever?« George yelled at professor, »Well, apart from the time when our dear midget brother Ron had to wipe clean all the night pots in the hospital,« he continued more calmly and light-heartedly, »This punishment served the little pisser well-«
»Now that is enough! No more yelling at school staff, no more cursing, swearing, bad language and dirty words, both of you, till the end of your schooling at Hogwarts, of course. Each yell or inappropriate word will cause a five-points drop from Gryffindor. And every time you speak to school staff, you address them with ''professor'', you understand?«
»Professor Filch,« George grinned.
»Professor Filch, we've come to clean Professor's Norris' toilet,« Fred continued.
»Enough! How come you two ''gentlemen'' didn't cool down your hot temper by the lake?«
»We were on our way there when you busted us-« said Fred with accusation in his voice.
»Language, Mister Fred Weasley!«
»Come on, we can't be all like Percy!«
»You are not talking to your mother, Mister George Weasley!«
»Sorry, mom, I thought I was-«
»Why do you two have so much against your brother ...? You should rather be learning from his example-«
»Like we wanna hear that crap again?!«
»Mom, yes, mom!« Fred gave a mock military salute.
»I am not your mother! But, if you wish to see her at school, I can always write a letter to her, that she should come over and explain your impertinent behaviour!«
»No!« yelled George. Fred was calmer: »But she can come to cook anytime. We miss her lectures-«
»Cos we are getting none here-« George rolled his eyes.
»Behave like your brother and you shall get none.«
»He's getting some, I believe,« Fred grinned happily, and George continued: »Not lectures, though ... and no matter what, both my mom and you are still all over Percy the Perfect,« grimaced George.
»Yeah, and right now Percy the Perfect has got his hands all over Penelope's perfect butt-« Fred said with as innocent voice as possible.
»How dare you use such words – wait a minute, is that true?« professor McGonagall was finally confused which was also the aim of the Twins.
»Sure,« George tried to use the cool, nonchalant voice, even though he was dying to sneak on Percy, »You want to know where?«
»Of course I want to know, what a senseless question,« professor wasn't quite as confused as they had hoped for.
»I would have loved to show you the way, oh, fair lady,« Fred grinned broadly, »But unfortunately I have a battle to attend first ... LET'S PLAY QUIDDITCH!« he yelled and the echo returned from the corridor's walls.
»Do not yell on the school premises,« McGonagall scolded him and paused for a moment: »Are you hitting on me, Mister Weasley?«
»Only when he's in trouble,« George laughed.
»No, no, now it's not me, or better, it's not us in trouble, but it's Percy the Prat-«
»Language,« said professor McGonagall for hundredth time today.
»Percy the Prick,« George filled in his own vision of things.
»How dare you – you both – use such language in conversation with any teacher, not to mention in conversation with your Head of House?!«
»Oh, I wouldn't worry much about some bad words, if I were you,« George winked at her, though not as cheekily as Fred had before, »I'd rather worry about bad deeds ... immoral, x-rated deeds, happening at school ...« George wanted to build up dramatic tension before telling her about Percy's romantic corner, but Fred had enough of conversation and he wanted action: »If I were you, I'd check out the Defects' bathroom,« he yelled at the angry professor and grabbed George's elbow. Both were sprinting towards the lake. McGonagall walked off furiously, murmuring to herself: »How dare they push their luck so far?! This Gryffindor bravery thing is getting out of hand, that's for sure! I HAVE to speak to Albus seriously about it ...! And, if he giggles again and dismisses my warnings, I will throw his box of lemon drops at his head!!!«
Fred and George, who would have surely had many suggestions what else to throw, didn't hear her anymore. They were already by the lake and playing Quidditch with the Giant Squid. Only it wasn't the actual Quidditch but more like the throw-and-catch game Muggles play with dogs.
»Dammit, he catches everything,« George complained.
»Yeah, sure, his tentacles must be very long ...«
»The longest arms at school, even beyond Dumbledore's,« George joked, but Fred asked him with a dreamy smile: »Are you thinking what I'm thinking?«
»You mean, can he grab Percy and give him a nasty shock before McGonagall finds him?«
»Exactly! This will give him a double dose of shock!«
»Hey, Squid! If you could please-«
»Climb one of your longest tentacles up the plumbing to the Prefect's bathroom in fifth floor and grab Percy the Pervert by his neck-«
»And give him the nastiest shock of his life! We would eternally appreciate your help and we would play Quidditch with you anytime you want while we're still at school!«
This was a very solemn promise of mischief even by the Twin's standards, so they both shook hands with each and every tentacle of the Squid.
Then the Giant Squid disappeared in the black depths of the lake, towards the end of school's sewage system. Twins' only regret was that they couldn't see Percy's face when he's busted from the bottom of the bathtub. They gave each other hi five with slimy hands (c/o DarkChoki).
»You realize that what we've promised him might make permanent pain in our arms, even give us a Quidditch elbow?«
»You promised this, not me. I only shook hands later. I'm ready to risk more-«
»Everything to expose Percy! Bloody hypocrite-«
»I'm ready to risk even the Quidditch elbow-«
»Only then it wouldn't be Quidditch but Squidditch!«