Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just borrowed the characters.
This one-shot is dedicated to my grandma who has cancer and I wanted to write it, because it's awful how life can be so unfair sometimes.
I hope you like it and sorry if there are any typos. English isn't my first language.
No Matter What
Only 6 months. Every time I said those words in my head, I refused to believe them. I was obsessed with them. With the fact that in 6 months, everything will be gone.
I will be gone.
I was still in denial. I couldn't accept it. I tried and failed. There was nothing for me left, besides faith. I prayed, I cried, I begged, but it was useless. It was too late. My body was getting weaker with every breath I took. My skin was getting paler with each second that passed. Everything about me looked sick. But I was still in denial. I wasn't going to lose my hope. Not even when I'd give my last breath or when I'd close my eyes for the last time. I wasn't going to give up. I'd keep fighting, although it would be worthless. My parents deserved that.
Edward deserved that.
I sighed at his name. Edward, my protector, my best friend, my lover... my husband. He had always been there for me. Even when we first found out about the diagnostic.
"Mrs. Cullen, Mr. Cullen." the doctor greeted us, as soon as we entered his office. I noticed the look on his face. It scared me and I squeezed Edward's hand quickly, my heart jumping into my throat. "Please, take a seat." he continued.
We both sat down and Edward caressed the back of my hand with his thumb, but it didn't calm me down. Everything seemed off and I knew something was wrong. My breath sped up, as the doctor looked through his papers and frowned, prolonging the suspense.
A couple of months ago, I'd started to feel sick. I had great fever one night, then I grew more and more tired. I ignored those things, because I thought they were due to my work and because I was so stressed out. But that was until I fainted in the living room and Edward found me unconscious on the floor. That was when he decided to take me to the doctor.
"What is it?" Edward asked, trying to decipher his expression.
He looked at us and then sighed deeply. "I'm afraid I don't have good news."
My stomach dropped in that moment. I felt Edward's hand freeze too, but I struggled to breathe.
"What is it?" I repeated and his eyes darted to me. I tried to prepare myself for his words, but nothing in the world would have prepared me for this.
The doctor looked at Edward, then at me and then whispered slowly. "You have leukemia."
I shook my head quickly, refusing to believe it. Big, salty tears streamed down my cheeks and the shock was the only thing that was holding the violent sobs back.
"What?" I whispered.
Edward seemed to be frozen. I felt how his hand turned to ice and his face was as white as a sheet. I looked at him through my tears, but he was staring shocked at the doctor.
"But don't worry. There are treatments. The science has evolved and now everything is possible. You will be healthy again, Mrs. Cullen. I'm sure about that. Don't lose your hope, please." the doctor said, looking hopefully at the both of us.
I kept crying silently. I couldn't say anything. My throat was dry and my heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to collapse. I sobbed, when suddenly, Edward engulfed me in a hug and kissed the top of my head, promising me everything was going to be ok. That I'd be fine.
"I'm here." Edward whispered huskily in my ear, while I wrapped my trembling arms around his waist. "You'll be ok, Bella. Everything will be just like it used to. You're going to be fine." I nodded against his shoulder, a few tears falling on his shirt.
And I believed him. Every time he drove me to the hospital, I walked in hopeful and confident, sure that it will be over in just a few months. The treatment was going well, and I was feeling better at first. I wasn't so tired and I didn't feel sick anymore. Edward was so happy with my progress that he even planned our next vacation. He told me we would go visit Europe, maybe even Australia. I didn't know what to say. I was just happy about his excitement.
But a year later, everything went downwards.
I wasn't feeling so well anymore. My skin would turn purple at the slightest touch and my entire body throbbed with pain. I was dizzy and tired all the time. Nothing seemed to soothe me and I was concerned about Edward. He talked to the doctor every day and informed him about my state. He tried everything to make me feel better. He was there, for me, all the time. He asked everyone in the hospital to help me.
But the doctor's words were clear. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen. Your body isn't responding to the treatment."
There was nothing left. My body was weak and it refused to deal with the disease. It gave up and it angered me. I wanted to fight back, to win this battle, but I couldn't do it alone.
The doctor gave me six more months. Only six months, because the virus was spreading so fast. What was I going to do in those six months, knowing that soon I'll be dead? How was I going to leave Edward? I loved him so much. He was a part of me and I was a part of him. We couldn't be apart.
"There has to be something. Anything." he said, desperate, one night, when he came to bed, next to me. His green eyes were hopeless, his bronze hair was tousled and he had huge, dark circles under his eyes. I stroked his cheek delicately.
"It's ok." I breathed.
"No, Bella. It's not ok. Nothing is working and you're feeling more sick with every second that passes." he stopped, because his voice trembled, betraying his emotions. I bit my lip, trying not to cry. "I can't lose you." he continued and I saw a tear run down his cheek.
I leaned over and pressed my lips to his cheek, wiping his tear away. He sighed shakily and wrapped his arms around my body. I rested my head on his chest, while he kissed the top of my head.
"Promise me you'll be ok." I whispered.
"Don't talk like that." he groaned, burying his face into my hair.
"I've been trying to accept the situation. I don't know if I succeeded or not, but I know what's going to happen in less than a year." silent tears washed my face and his arms tightened around me. "Edward, I need to know that you'll take care of yourself. I want you to be happy."
"Bella..." he chocked.
"Please." I looked up at him and he was shaking his head. "I want you to meet a beautiful, smart girl and fall in love again. You deserve to be happy, you more than anyone. I want you to have kids. I'm sure you'll be a great dad." I stopped right there, because my voice broke and violent sobs shook my entire body.
It seemed like forever since Edward and I had spoken for the first time about our children. We wanted a boy and a girl and I'd already pictured the little boy in my head. With green eyes just like Edward's and a smile that would make everyone fall in love with him. I yearned for that future so much that it hurt me to say goodbye to everything.
"Bella, I won't ever love anyone as much as I love you. I can't breathe without you. I need you and I cannot fathom the idea of losing you. It's just too painful and I don't think I'll stand it." his voice sounded hoarse, like he was holding back tears. "Please, don't make me promise that, because I don't think I can do it. You'll always be the one for me and I'll always love you. No matter what."
"No matter what." I cried into his chest, holding onto him for dear life. His heart was beating so fast and his breath was erratic.
I grabbed his face between my trembling hands and kissed him tenderly, our tears mingling together. His lips were urgent against mine, desperate and needy. Gentle and worried. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He hesitated at first, but then hovered over me, supporting his weight on his elbows. He was so cautious around me, ever since I'd started to feel sick, concerned that he might hurt me. I told him several times that he couldn't ever hurt me, but he still didn't trust me.
He pulled away, our faces mere inches apart and I could feel his hot breath on my face. My blood was racing in my veins, wanting to feel his lips against my own again.
"Sleep, my love." he whispered.
I tightened my grip around his neck and shook my head. "No. I want you."
"I can injure you." his eyes were pained, as he said that.
"No. You'll never hurt me." I repeated for the tenth time and then hesitantly, he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. His hands were tenderly caressing my body, while I used all my strength to keep him close to me, terrified he might change his mind.
We made love that night. For the first time in almost two months. I wanted to show him how much I loved him and cared about him. There was nothing in the world more fulfilling than being with Edward. I knew how hard it was for him to deal with this and I hated myself for causing him pain.
As the months flew by, my state was getting worse. I looked so fragile, that even the wind seemed to break me. I lost weight; I lost my job. My friends, my husband and my parents were the only ones who encouraged me to keep breathing and fighting. I sighed at the mention of my friends: Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. My siblings.
They hadn't taken the news so well. Especially the girls. But they needed to know and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.
"You can't... How... But... No. No, no, no." Alice shook her head vehemently, as soon as the word 'leukemia' escaped me. She stared shocked at me, tears forming in her blue eyes, while her small frame trembled with silent sobs.
"What?" Rose whispered, her voice hoarse and dry. They both threw their arms around me and hugged me, while the three of us cried together.
I could never ask for better friends. They were all I'd ever wanted and I was happy to have them close, supporting me and Edward.
Emmett and Jasper were trying every day to light up my day, to make me laugh and forget about everything. They were really my personal buffoons, and I loved them so much. They never talked to me about the disease and never acted around me like I was sick. Although I noticed a few changes. They were coming over more often; they would bring pizza or movies to watch together, they would even try to help me cook dinner. But I was glad that they made Edward forget about the problems we had, at least for a while, and helped him smile a little, something I hadn't seen in weeks or even months.
My parents rented a small apartment, close to my own, telling us they wanted to take care of me. I'd never liked to be the center of attention, but it seemed like now, everyone was either thinking or talking about me. It made me feel intimated, overwhelmed.
One day, Alice came over, while Edward was at work and I was home alone.
She hugged me and kissed my cheek. "Hey, Bells. What are you doing?" she asked and without giving me a chance to answer, she continued. "Look what I brought. Confessions of a Shopaholic. I thought it would be a great idea to see it again." she chirped.
"Great. It suits you." I smiled weakly, feeling drained all of a sudden. I sat down on the couch, in the living room, while she inserted the disk into the DVD. I bit my lip, deciding if I should ask her or not. "Edward called you, didn't he?" I watched as she hesitated. "He told you to come here, while he's gone, to take care of me." I whispered.
She turned around and looked at me. "Yes, he did call me. But I came here, because I wanted to."
"Ok." I smiled.
She sat beside me and brought her knees up to her chest.
"Where is Rose?" I asked, although the movie had already started.
"Oh. She had a problem at work. But I talked to her and she said she will be here in a couple of hours. Then we could watch this movie again, with her." Alice shrugged and I giggled at her reasoning. "Bella, how do you feel?" she asked on a small voice, her eyes anxious and worried. "You look so pale."
"I'm always pale." I laughed it off, trying to change the subject.
"I'm scared." she breathed, biting her lip nervously, as moisture filled her eyes. I sighed and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer.
"Me too." I admitted. She sniffed quietly, not bringing the subject up again.
I was sure that none of us was indeed watching the movie. Alice seemed to stare off into space, while she played uneasily with a lock of her hair. I closed my eyes and I think I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew, someone knocked on the door.
Alice jumped, startled, then sighed. "It must be Rose."
"I'll go." I said, standing up and walking towards the door.
The tiredness, the pain, the dizziness were all coming back to me and I couldn't really see where I was walking. My sight was blurry and my entire body was throbbing. I blinked, trying to recover, but my legs weren't listening to me.
I opened the door and I saw Rose's terrified face, as she saw me and then someone screamed "Help." as I blacked out.
I recognized that voice. I knew it, but it was so hard to open my eyes, to see who it was. Someone was holding and squeezing my hand and I could tell that he or she was crying. I wanted to soothe him or her, but I couldn't find my voice. It was like there was a lump stuck in my throat. I gave up and fell back asleep.
"Bella, love, can you hear me?" the same familiar voice woke me up and I finally found the strength to open my eyes. The corners of my mouth twitched a little, when I saw Edward. He looked like he had been crying and I frowned.
I cupped his cheek and wiped a few of his tears away with my thumb. "Hey." I mouthed.
"You scared me so much." he whispered, bringing his face close to mine.
I sighed sadly. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm glad Rose and Alice were there with you. I thought I'd lost you, when they called me. God, Bella, how am I supposed to deal with this?" he groaned, desperate, planting light kisses on my face, while tears fell down his cheeks and onto my lips.
"Shhh." I soothed him, running my weak fingers through his messy hair.
"I can't do it, Bella. I can't live without you. I don't know how to survive. You're my everything." he cried, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.
"I know." I breathed. Our eyes met and he looked so discouraged and lost, that my heart ached for him. "Take me home."
Although the doctor was reluctant, at first, telling us it wasn't the right thing to do and that I needed to stay under his constant observation, he finally gave in. I knew there was nothing in the hospital that could help me. And I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that obnoxious room.
My mother came every morning to make me breakfast and she'd stay with me, until Rose or Alice would come over. Everyone told me to stay in bed as much as possible and don't force myself too much. It wasn't like I could anymore, but I hated to be so weak.
I had days when I felt better and days when I'd just sleep. I liked the days when I could get out of bed and make myself dinner or go take a shower.
Today wasn't one of those days.
When Edward came to bed that night, he wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. I felt his lips kiss the top of my head and then I looked up at him, finding his beautiful, green eyes.
"I love you. So much. Don't ever forget that." I murmured, emphasizing every word.
He kissed my lips once. "I love you too. With all my heart."
I smiled weakly and closed my eyes, sure that it would be for the last time.
I don't know if it's good or bad. I just felt like I needed to write it. You can review, if you want to.