Never was a Mother
I'm not going to the wedding. That is my final decision. Edward looks at me as if I've lost my mind.
"Bella! Are you telling me you won't go to your own daughter's wedding!?'-He asks me, his voice filled with shock and anger.
"She's not my daughter,"-I say to him, tears in my eyes- "She never was."
"How the hell can you say that!?"-He looks at me with absolute hurt. And it hurts me to see him like that.
I gave birth to my daughter Renesmee about seven years ago. That's right, at age seven she's already getting married. It's alright though. She has the body, and the mind, of a 17 year old woman. She was already forming complex words and phrases by the time she was barely a month old. She was already reading Nietzsche and Homer when kids her age could barely even crawl. She already knew how to use the toilet by the time she was three weeks old.
I never got to change her diaper. I never got to kiss her goodnight, tuck her in after a cup of hot chocolate. I never got to see her little face light up on Christmas morning, thanking Santa for her presents. I never got to shoo the monster in the closet away for her. I never got to hold her during a thunderstorm. I never got to cry after leaving her at her first day of school. I missed out on a lot…
"Bella, please!"-Edward pleads with me- "It will mean the world to her!"
How? How can it mean the world to her? What am I to Renesmee? I am not the woman who raised her, that is for certain. She was already as much of an adult as I was when she was born. I did not birth a child, I birthed an adult in a child's body.
I love my Renesmee. Please don't misunderstand me. Maybe I am being selfish. But… today is the day she marries Jacob at long last. This is the day I give away the daughter I never raised.
And I can't give her away. I can't give away the daughter I never helped raise. I can't give away someone whom I didn't have a hand in raising, caring for. She grew up without me. Renesmee never needed me. She didn't need me to learn to walk. She didn't need me to learn to read… she never needed me.
I know, maybe I'm being selfish. I am happy for her, but… it just hurts too much. I…
"Bella?"-Esme calls out to me. She enters the room- "Is what Edward told me true?"
"Esme, please,"-my eyes are full of tears- "I can't go to the wedding… I'm sorry, but…"
"Is what Edward said true?"-Esme looks at me with shocked eyes- "Is it true you don't consider Renesmee your daughter?"
Is that it? Is it that I don't consider her my daughter? Am I truly that selfish? Am I truly so petty that I can't love someone unless I have a reason to? Is it true that I can't love a child unless I gave birth to him or her?
If I truly am that selfish and petty, I swear, I shall run away, cut off all ties with the Cullen family. I shall live by myself… alone, away from the rest of the world. No. I shall allow the Volturi to destroy me.
"Esme… I feel so… torn,"-I say to her- "I mean… I never raised her… How can I call myself her mother!?"
"Ah, I see now,"-she says, sighing- "It's not that you don't consider her your daughter. It's that you don't consider yourself her mother."
"Is there a difference!?"-I am in tears now.
"Yes. Even though, it doesn't sound logical, there is,"-she says, patting me on the back- "You love her, with all your heart. But you kick yourself, berate yourself for not raising her. I've been there."
"Huh?"-I am surprised to hear her say that.
"Edward, Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie. My kids,"-she smiles- "They were already full grown adults when they joined our family. But, they are still my kids. I love them all just the same, even though I never had a hand in raising them."
"But, how?'-I ask her- "How do you…"
"How do I deal? By giving them love all the same,"-she says to me- "I love them, like I would have loved the child I lost. I love them to death. I love them, like a mother should. Just like you love Renesmee."
"I love her,"- I speak the truth. I really, really love the daughter I brought into this world.
"Not all mothers give birth to the children they raise. That does not stop them from loving their kids,"-she says to me- "You and I are special. With my love, I helped keep together a family of lost souls. I am proud to say, my love has helped Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Alice and Rosalie form a familial bond. You, Bella, helped bring into the world a wonderful person. Yes, you didn't do much to raise her. You didn't need to. She may not have needed your guiding hand, but Nessie shall always need your loving hand."
I wipe the tears away from my eyes. I smile at her, my mother in law. I understand where she's coming from.
"She said that, if you didn't come, the wedding will be canceled,"-She surprises me with that news.
"No! This is… this is her day!"-I am shocked.
"Well then, go to her, and tell her that,"-she smiles at me. I rush towards my daughter.
There she is. In her white wedding dress. I wore that same dress the day I married Edward. I look at my daughter, crying her eyes out.
"Renesmee?"-I place my hand on her shoulder. She turns around, and hugs me.
"Mommy! I thought,"-she's crying her eyes out. And that makes me want to cry- "I thought you weren't coming!"
"Sorry sweetie,"-I try to calm her down- "I needed to get my head straight."
"I told everyone that, if you didn't come, the wedding would be canceled,"-she won't stop crying- "I'm sorry…"
"It's ok, it's ok. Mommy's here,"- I calm her down somewhat- "Here, honey. Let's reapply some of your make up. There's a big slice of beefcake outside waiting for you, and you need to look your personal best for him, ok?"
She giggles a bit. I help her reapply some makeup. This is the first time I've done this with my daughter.
My daughter, Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Your mother loves you, Nessie. Now, and Forever.