Akane: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Please support the official release, if you think buying the anime is worth the money.
Nabiki: It's not.
Key to a Successful Interview is a Good First Impression!
And suddenly, Ranma Saotome
Did he just use his ARSENAL heading for this?
Leaving her high school of Furinkan, Akane Tendo marched home with an expression as stormy as the gray clouds above, cursing the male gender. Like every day for the last three weeks now, she'd once again viciously trounced nearly every male member of the student body–a good percentage of them now lying broken and injured in the school's courtyard after their most recent skirmish.
Akane didn't always hate her male peers, but after three weeks of this mess, it was only natural she would. Every boy in the god damn school was convinced, despite her insistence to the contrary, that if they defeated her in a fight she would be obligated to date them.
Three weeks. Every School Day. Fighting the same die-hard, no talent virgins trying to hook up with her because earning the affection, respect, and trust of a girl is tough. Oh no, it's much easier to just beat her face in and then drag her off by her hair to the equipment shed for a "date"!
Not that they could lay a finger on her to begin with. Three weeks, remember, and not one of these idiots could lay a finger on her. She got a better fight from the bricks she broke at home to properly vent her frustrations.
At this rate, she'd graduate from slapping them around to dismembering them to drive home her point that they were stupid and insane. Entertaining as the consideration was, she'd probably spend the rest of her life in jail as a result or worse… on the Mixed Martial Arts Circuit.
Home was practically a straight shot, all she'd have to do is get home, get changed, do some running, and then brick-break city. The very thought of getting that burn in made her smile, one that promptly fell off her face when a group of boys materialized in front of her, great, Sci-Fi Club Nerds.
"Akane Tendo, we of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club will now challenge and defeat you in honorable, savage combat," the Jedi-dressed club president said as he deployed one of those obnoxious toy light sabers. "You have no chance to win; the Force is on our side."
Ugh, nerds who couldn't get it right. If he was supposed to be a Jedi, then he should know that the statement he made was arrogance unbecoming of a Jedi! Akane's mood soured further as these people butchered Star Wars right in front of her. She let out a deep breath that sounded distinctly Vader-like, and shook her head.
"No, I'm done for the day. Just get out my way so I can get home." She just didn't have it in her to beat up anymore of these losers today. Even as they made a mockery of one of her favorite foreign IPs.
More obnoxious Star Wars toys were drawn, and the leader of the club stepped forth. "You cannot refuse this challenge! We will defeat you, and you will become the mascot of the Martial Arts Sci-Fi Club and my girlfriend!"
Akane groaned and prepared to fight, at least she'd finally get a toy light saber like she always wanted. "Fine, whatever. Let's get this over with."
The club members adopted the various mimicked Jedi Knight fighting stances, and then some guy in a red shirt and black pants landed with both feet on the president's face, sending him crashing onto his back.
"Eh?" Akane stopped and lowered her stance, surprised by this unexpected turn of events.
Landing on his feet, Ranma Saotome looked with surprise at the person he landed on and his friends, and felt a bit bad. He was in kind of a hurry, and hadn't been paying attention on his landing because he had been focusing on his takeoff away from his Old Man.
"Stupid Panda, this is his fault. He should have let me go back to China in peace," he muttered aloud.
He turned to look at the guys, and then over at the cute girl that he'd noticed out the corner of his eye during the final seconds of his descent. "Hey."
Akane blinked, a little surprised by how good the guy looked. "Hi."
The leader, blood pouring from his nose, shot to his feet, pointing the light saber accusingly at him. "What the Hell did you do that for, jackass?! You almost killed me!"
Ranma took exception to the whole jackass remark and snorted. He couldn't waste time on these guys. "Hey, I'm in a hurry, all right? I'm sorry for the…"
On reflex, Ranma kicked the president in the face as he lunged to hit him with the light saber toy.
As he fell, his incensed subordinates also attacked and–in a record time that made Akane envious–he dispatched the lot of them, leaving them laid out all over the sidewalk, street, and on the fence that the street from the river that ran along it.
Lowering his foot, Ranma looked over to Akane and grimaced. Crap, he'd gone and ruined these guys' shit in front of a girl. He had to say something quick. "Uh, if I traumatized you I'm sorry and if I actually did you a favor don't worry about it. I was just passing through and I totally misjudged the jump."
Akane was more impressed that something went her way for once and the guy didn't seem to want anything for it. "No it's fine-"
Ranma then snapped his gaze towards the river and panicked. "I gotta go, sorry about that, again!"
And then like Superman he was off, hopping up onto the fence and then over the river. A split second later, a blur followed him, wait… was that a fucking Panda? Akane slowly shook her head, and then looked down the street at the clear path ahead of her.
She smiled a little bit. "How weird, but…"
For the first time in weeks, she encountered a member of the opposite sex that did not appear to be stupid and insane. On top of that he was kind of cute! Oh, and strong! He completely mopped the floor with those nerds; it didn't even look like he was putting any effort into it. Now there was a real Martial Artist!
She quickly confiscated the light sabers of the Sci-Fi club and stuffed them into her school bag–for that shameful display, she deemed herself entitled to then–and made her way home in a better mood than she was before.
Arriving at home, Akane performed her afternoon routine and did some much needed brick breaking before her older sister Nabiki came out to see her. A rare event, given that most times either sister never went out of each other's way to hang out as of late.
Looking down at the noticeably smaller pile of broken bricks, Nabiki lifted an eyebrow. "You couldn't have gone through that many bricks. I put in that new order last week."
Akane sniffed loudly. "I didn't feel like breaking as many today. I didn't have to bust as many heads today."
Nabiki smirked. "Oh really? At this rate the guys might eventually stop thinking you're so weird."
"The boys think I'm weird? Nabiki, they're the ones who line up every morning so they can get the snot kicked out of them! What sort of stupid logic was that, anyway?! How did they get it in their heads that beating the woman will make her love you?!" Akane ranted.
"I believe it's now called the Chris Brown Method," Nabiki joked.
Akane stared at her, horrified.
Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "What, too soon?"
"This is all Kuno's fault, you know. You have class with him, don't you have a way of making him stop?" Akane asked as she began setting up more bricks to pummel. Her older sister was of course against the very notion, why put such a great cash cow out to pasture? The economy still sucked, after all.
"I've tried, he's a buffoon." Nabiki had gone to get Kuno to call off the bounty on her little sister's chastity, but right away sold out when the moron offered her a hefty sum for a picture of Akane. It all snowballed from there and at the rate she was going she could just buy her way into Toudai, to Hell with that exam nonsense.
"I suppose at this rate, I'm going to end up a man-hating lesbian, then," Akane lamented quietly, knowing her Father would likely die of a heart attack had he been within earshot. She smiled a little bit, recalling the helpful stranger. "Unless, that is, I can meet that guy who helped me out earlier."
Guy? Helped? Positive inflection in her voice!? If Nabiki's stocks soared like her interest was doing right now, the Tendo Family could hire the Kuno Family and make them their servants. She all but dashed over to Akane, a broad smile on her face as she bounced on her feet. "You met a guy?"
Akane's smile became a little shy. "Nabiki…"
"Tell me, tell me!" Nabiki demanded, taking Akane's hands. "Was he cute? What did do? What did he look like? Did you get a name?"
Akane's smile grew, as she blushed. "I ran into some jerks today, and this guy in Chinese clothes just swooped down and beat them up for me without breaking a sweat. In fact, he even apologized that I had to witness it."
"But was he cute, though?"
The younger sister fidgeted. "He was kind of good looking, I guess. He certainly wasn't bad at least…"
She rubbed her hands together nervously, giving away to Nabiki that this guy was probably super hot and Akane wanted all over him. "But before I could ask for his name or even say thanks, he was off and running. For some strange reason, a Panda was chasing him."
Nabiki stared. "A what was chasing him?"
"A Panda Bear, seriously."
In a town where savage combat could break out at any moment between superhuman martial artists, a story like the one that fell upon Nabiki's ears was met with jaded curiosity. It couldn't be anything mundane, like another martial artist, or a policeman, it always had to be something wacky.
"Well, if you see him again, maybe you should ask him out on a date." Nabiki offered.
Akane flushed brightly "I don't know…"
Nabiki patted Akane on the shoulders. "He helped you out, seemed kind of nice, and he was cute, Akane. He's already better than eighty-five percent of the boys in your grade and at least seventy percent of the boys in mine."
Akane managed a small smile. "You give those perverts too much credit."
Without any warning, Nabiki dropped a bombshell on her. "Well, there's that and if you have a boyfriend, Dad at least won't marry you off to the guy that he's engaged one of us to."
Frozen, Akane's eyes grew wide. "Dad did what!?"
One day Soun Tendo and his old rival Genma Saotome swore an oath to engage their children, to bring their two schools of Indiscriminate Grappling together. Afterwards, they parted ways, with Genma being the far more upwardly mobile of the two when it came to the art, frequently heading out on training journeys and even taking his young son with him to turn him into a formidable martial artist.
For years, through raising his daughters through the death of his wife, he rarely kept in touch with his fellow student of their evil master, but knew that one day the time would come that Genma and his son, Ranma would come and fulfill their oath.
He just didn't expect it to be this day with the postcard he received from China. Nor did he expect a panda to suddenly barge into his house carrying a girl who identified herself as Ranma Saotome. His spirit effectively crushed, Soun admitted his defeat and laid down on a bedroll with the blanket to his chin, an itinerary of slowly wasting away to his death preplanned in his head.
"Father, please don't do this. I know you're disappointed but you do not have to lay there to die," his eldest daughter, Kasumi pleaded gently with her silently weeping Father.
"I agree, we should lay him across the railroad tracks two blocks over," Nabiki dryly said.
"Now, now, Nabiki-chan," Kasumi lightly admonished.
"Nah, I mean it. He had the nerve to set us up with a guy without consulting us once."
"BUT HE SAID HE HAD A SON!" Soun yelled loudly from where he laid, causing Ranma and the large Panda seated behind her to wince.
Nabiki turned and looked towards the girl who had been advertised as a son. A short, cute red-headed girl in baggy clothes who looked about as uncomfortable as Nabiki and Akane did about this embarrassing situation. She was shooting nasty looks at the panda that had brought her into the house.
"You believed him at his word, you didn't ask for a picture or a birth certificate, or anything? You got catfish'd, Dad."
"Catfish'd?" Ranma asked, offended at the very idea.
Kasumi, somewhat unsure of how to address this, put forth her suggestion. "Maybe she's a futanari?"
Ranma gave Kasumi a wary, sidelong look. "Futanari?"
Nabiki stared at Kasumi as well, surprised. "Well, your web history makes sense now."
Akane was too preoccupied with her own thoughts to regard the conversation. She was locked onto the strange girl next to her, and was doing a bit of detective work.
This Ranma person, she had the same hairstyle (albeit a different color now), the same clothes, and seemed kind of polite just like that boy she met earlier. She was as downright cute as he was handsome too. However, there was just no feasible way she could reconcile her observations. Was there something she was missing?
She needed to find out and got up. "Hey, join me in the dojo?"
Looking up at the girl, Ranma smiled gratefully to her. With a hasty bow and a request to be excused, Ranma and Akane departed the living room and went into the dojo.
Akane, while not a schemer, had herself a plan. That boy whom she encountered utterly dominated those boys, despite being outnumbered twelve to one, in less than five seconds. Such a feat would take her at the least twice as long if she wasn't feeling particularly vindictive. She figured, if she went all out against Ranma, she'd have at least most of her questions saved the obvious one. How?
"Okay, are you ready?" she asked Ranma, who bowed to her casually. "Just so you know I'm not going to hold back, okay?"
Ranma blinked and raised her hands. "Wait, you're what?"
Like a gunshot she was off, delivering a quick punch that was evaded with a simple, impressive vertical leap. When she tried to catch her coming down with a high kick, she performed a split and evaded it. As Ranma fell back to land, she deftly swayed like a leaf to avoid Akane's blows, and took only a half step back from her. She was fast, faster than her. Same clothes, same hairstyle, same speed. What was going on?
"Okay, I have to know…" She said. "Do you have a twin brother or something?"
Ranma lowered her stance. "Huh?"
Abandoning her stance, Akane placed her arms akimbo and huffed. "Earlier today, a guy who looked a lot like you but was, you know, a guy gave me a hand today and then ran off being chased by a panda. All of a sudden you show up, with a panda. Do you know that guy?"
Yeah, she had to have a brother. It was the only thing that made sense, right? "I'm just really confused right now, and so are my Dad and my sisters."
The other girl pulled a little bit of a grimace, but sighed in resignation nevertheless. It was going to get out anyway, better when it wasn't a huge misunderstanding or something stupidly comedic that ruined this kind of cute girl's opinion of her. She took a deep breath. "All right, I'll tell you as long as you promise not to freak out, okay?"
Freak out? Was she whatever it was Kasumi said that made everyone else shudder in revulsion? "Um, all right, I promise I won't freak out."
Ranma nodded. "Get me some warm water in a bucket, and then bring it here."
Nodding, Akane left the dojo and headed immediately for the furo. Less than a moment later, she returned and found Ranma topless save for a towel draped over her shoulders. All right, this was getting substantially weirder. "Ah, Ranma…?"
"I just don't want to get my shirt wet. Look, is that water warm?" She said to her, not wanting to get into the details beyond that. The girl had to see it for herself.
Akane held up the bucket, displaying the slight steam off it. Ranma nodded again. "All right, throw the water at me. Be sure to douse me, okay?"
All right, the logic for taking off the shirt was apparent. "Okay, I'll do as you said." With a slightly reluctant heave she splashed Ranma with the water. "All right, now what…?"
A split second later the empty bucket fell from her hands as Akane stared completely dumbfounded at a male Ranma Saotome. Inside her head, the "What the Hell?!" her mind screamed caused an immediate cascade failure that prevented her from screaming the expletive aloud. Instead disbelief-induced loss of consciousness, a safeguard against psychological trauma, kicked in and Akane fainted dead away on the dojo floor.
Staring down at the unconscious girl, Ranma lowered his head and sighed. He had told her not to freak out, but oh well… at least she didn't walk in on him coming out of the bath, or anything disastrous like that.
That would've sucked.
Akane's BSOD had Nabiki as worried as she was freaked out about the fact that the older man and his son seated across from her were cursed to transform into a bear and girl respectively when liberal amounts of cold water were applied. Kasumi was resting a damp cloth over her youngest sibling's forehead, while Soun grimaced as he looked to his old friend, who had just related to the three present the harrowing story of how both became afflicted with their curses.
"How irresponsible," Kasumi admonished, "taking Ranma to such a dangerous place to train, Didn't you at all consider the risks?"
Ranma unfolded his arms and presented to Kasumi a tattered guidebook. Examining it, she quickly understood. "I see, neither of you can read Chinese, can you?"
Both shook their heads, and Nabiki lamented. "This is the price of ignorance. Who goes on a long trip to China and doesn't at least have a grasp on the language?"
"What matters," Soun loudly stated to drown out his daughter, "is that this doesn't really affect the engagement."
Kasumi and Nabiki both gave their father a pointed look he deflected by completely focusing on Ranma and his friend. Much to his chagrin, Ranma's gaze was all the more hostile. "What do you mean it doesn't affect the engagement? I turn into a girl when I'm doused in cold water!"
"But with warm water you're a man again, so it's not entirely too bad. It's an inconvenience instead of a crippling tragedy, therefore you can learn to make due." Soun then joined Ranma's side and gestured to his daughters. "Now then, Kasumi, Nabiki, and of course you've already met Akane. Pick one, and she will be your future wife."
"Are you high?" he asked. "Are you just so blasted out of your mind on something that you didn't hear what I just said? I'm a guy with a magical curse. I would much rather devote my time to curing it than marrying someone right now."
"Think of the schools, boy!" Genma demanded.
"Think of your son!" Ranma snapped back.
Akane finally sat up and rubbed her head, mercifully drawing the attention of the room. Looking at Ranma, her cheeks colored slightly, which she quickly concealed by covering her face with her hands and rubbing her eyes. "What happened? Can somebody tell me?"
Nabiki was more than happy to fill her in. "Well Ranma can change genders because of a curse he accidentally received in China because his Father didn't listen to warnings. You splash him with cold water to turn him into a girl and warm to turn him back. His father turns into a Panda, because he got a different curse. Oh and Dad wants one of us to marry him."
Ranma cringed at the edge of apprehension present in Nabiki's tone. Akane looked at him, and then back to her sisters. "One of us has to?"
Kasumi nodded. "Yes."
"It kind of stings that we're suddenly being offered up like this, but what are you going to do?" Nabiki said tiredly.
For once, the tomboyish and generally outspoken Akane was at a loss for words. She wasn't really sure how to approach this, but she did feel bad for Ranma. After all the terrible things he's probably had to go through since becoming cursed, and their fathers hoist this on the poor guy!
She looked at Kasumi; she didn't care for younger men, so that was flat out. Nabiki though, Akane knew that her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard and Soun's nigh-homicidal doting were the only reasons the middle sister wasn't sneaking a different boy in every week, but subjecting Ranma to Nabiki would only end in tears and an empty wallet. She knew what she had to do.
"I'll be his fiancée," Akane volunteered, causing Ranma to sputter as Nabiki grew dumbfounded and Kasumi surprised.
"Akane!" Kasumi gasped, although her exclamation appeared more for dramatic effect than concern.
Nabiki was surprised, but more amused. Looks like her baby sister saw something she liked and was going to gun for it. Good for her..
None in the room were more surprised though, than Ranma himself. "Are you serious?"
"Well, you seem nice," Akane explained. "You helped me out earlier, and you were pretty upfront about the curse when I asked about it. Furthermore Kasumi doesn't like younger guys, and Nabiki doesn't really train, it only makes sense if the two people of the schools who actively practice the art inherited it."
"I see, I guess. I don't know about the whole engagement thing, but I'm totally fine with being friends. My priority for now is getting this curse thing dealt with"
Akane smiled. "Well then I'll help you, if you want. It's the least I can do after you took care of those nerds for me."
Ranma hummed, and his big mouth came into play. "About that, why didn't you just beat them up yourself? Those guys were a bunch of pushovers."
Beginning with a sigh, Akane spoke. "Ugh, it's a really dumb situation at my school and I was just sick of it. I was going to, but you got there first. Not that I don't appreciate it, because I really do."
"Heh, don't worry about it." Ranma held his hand out to Akane.
Akane smiled back and shook Ranma's hand heartily. Right in mid-shake, their hands were cupped by a tearful Soun and an idiotically grinning Genma. Both youths recoiled. "Huh?"
"You hear that, Tendo? Our schools will be united!" Genma said.
"This is the happiest day of my life, Saotome!" Soun sobbed like they were the ones getting married.
"So, shall we set a date?" Genma then asked.
"Wait, what?" Akane asked.
"My entire week is free!" Soun said. "How about this weekend?"
"THAT AIN'T HAPPENING!" Ranma and Akane shouted together as they punted their fathers out the house and into the Tendo Family's koi pond.
Ranma, his face a stone mask, stared at Akane. "Is your old man always this moody?"
Absorbing Ranma's irritation at their elders' disregard for the more important issues at hand, Akane returned the same stare to Ranma. "Is yours always this feckless?"
"Oh, you have no idea." Ranma then smiled and offered his hand. "But you're pretty all right."
Smiling back Akane offered her fist, and upon understanding Ranma closed his hand into a fist and bumped hers with it.
So began a truly wonderful friendship.
Words from the Author: Words!