Uf, finally! I know it's not Christmas, but I couldn't finish it sooner. :(
Now, this is it. This is a very important chapter and I honestly hope you'll like it. I tried to make it funny too… not just on the edge and romantic. Let me know if it worked. :)
Special thanks to VickyC1 for editing this and xxxbulletxxx,CatherinCullen, marianna for reviewing even though the last chapter was… slightly depressive. :)) I think this one will balance things up. If you'll feel like killing me on the way, just take a look at the ending. (though I don't recommend that if you want to really enjoy this chapter :D )
Thank you to all who are reading this. Love you all!
"Boss, I finished all the tasks for today, so do you think I may take this charming lady out for a coffee? I promise to be the perfect clown and make her forget about anything or anyone that upset her." meow Mike.
I wonder if they still giving life sentences for cruel murders…
"Well, good luck with that. For my part, at least, you're free for today." said Alice.
I could see his shadow getting annoyingly close to her.
"Please… You could tell me more about your book…"
I saw Dexter and I'm a smart guy… maybe I can get away with it?
"It's not that much to say about my book right now… it's more like a graveyard." she says and they both start laughing.
And then it hit me: I was the one causing graveyards in her soul. Mike Newton was the one who could make her laugh. Ignoring her predilection for self destruction, for the first time, she was on the right track. I could see everything: they have a coffee, talk and he helps her get back on her feet. They start seeing each other more and more often, after a while she falls for him, and why wouldn't she? He's perfect! Before they realize it, they move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids, raise them and grow old together. At this point, the brochure was completely shredded and tears were running through my eyes.
Great! I still don't understand how I let myself get dragged into all this! Like I need any more reasons to adore Ally for one day! I can't believe how much damage she can do and she's just 5.1! I growled on the inside while I was starring at my new coffee-partner, thanks to Alice.
"Of course she's going! She doesn't have other plans, I can assure you."
I nailed her with my worst look ever but all I got was a chuckle while she rolled her eyes saying "It's coffee, Bella, not marriage! Plus, I have my next appointment in 10 minutes and I'm afraid to leave you without supervision considering your condition."
What was she afraid of? I may stalk and attack her future brother-in-law and he'll get a restraining order for all the family?
Mike was now staring at me with one of the most idiotic looks I've ever seen, though, I bet he was convinced of its extremely seductive effects.
"I always believed that when you meet your equal, your mate, you'll feel it from the first moment, though I was afraid this wouldn't be possible till that day when you spilt that coffee all over me! I never meet anyone who could curse so sensual and philosophical at the same time!" he said with the same idiotic-seductive look.
It took me a while to process what I just heard. He didn't actually say this! This guy is a lost cause! I freaking burn him to his flesh for god's sake! I tried to create a shy smile. Sorry, but this was the best I could do for now. Maybe feeling encouraged by my pathetic smile attempt he took my hand. Could this get any worse? Alice will owe me for life! But still, he's pretty good. He masked well the shock and disappointment given by the fact that I took my hand away faster than lightning could hit. He just continued his speech about the blue blooded of superior intellect and how special we both are. Even if I'd be in the mood to listen I'd probably just get disgusted. But his speech was the last thing I was thinking about.
His words still flew trough my head over and over again! I still can't believe this is for real!
And this guy won't just "Shut the fuck up!"
His eyes popped out like golf balls.
Did I just say that out loud? Ups…
"Excuse me?" He was bewildered by my reaction. So much for his acting skills. I guess everyone has a limit.
"I'm sorry, Mike." It was all I could say before I gave in to laughter.
He was now staring at me like I'd had 5 heads. I guess the fact that I start laughing by myself after I ignored his best jokes had something to do with it.
It took a while until I managed to finally calm myself.
"I really am sorry." I really was trying to kip a nice, serious face. "I'm an idiot. You see, I know you are a great, nice guy and I'm impressed by all your academic and professional accomplishments, but I'm not the nice, sweet girl who is swept of her feet by these things. The thing about me is that… I've already been swept."
As I watch his confused face I almost felt sorry for him, or for his ego to be more specific, because this was the only problem, a girl actually turned him down for once! It's not like he cared that much about me… He'll find another girl to 'sensually and philosophically' spill coffee on him.
I stood up and left the cafeteria feeling like a freaking drama queen from some bad soap opera. As I went past the front doors I burst into laughter again, thinking about the whole situation. But laughter turn into sobs as his image came back in my mind.
While I was inside with Mike it was like he was there with me. I felt him by my side again, taking my side, mocking Mike along with me… This was the reason why I was able to stay till now and I guess this was what gave me the strength for that burst too. But now, reality was back and it was freaking scary.
I jump up in my car and hoped that there is a chance to go to sleep and wake up to realize everything was just a bad dream.
- A week later –
God, I missed those lips! And now I was getting the best out of them, hungry and desperate.
A strong noise startled me, and worse, him! He starts to pull away and I was freaking out! No! You can't do this to me! I need you!
I tried my best to fight, to shout, to keep him with me, but his eyes became cold and scary while he was practically shoving me off. I was screaming louder and louder while I was starting to feel colder and colder... My arm starts to hurt as I was reaching for him.
"Stop being such a pathetic looser! Of course it's about you! You're nothing!"
Now my leg hurt too, but it was nothing compared to my hart. Suddenly a wave of icy coldness hit me in full strength!
"God damn it!" I scream feeling awake for real! "What the fuck?"
Someone must have pulled the curtains because I was blinded by sunlight.
"Fuck, Bella! I told you not too lock this door again! I had to break it! Luckily I had Jazz with me!"
I knew that voice... She had ... "What?" I scream trying to get up and failing lamentably, landing back on my ass.
The pain that run trough all my body was overtake just by the pain of my forever shredded ego! Jazz saw all this? Noo! Why does the world hate me so much?
"How bad was it this time?" I asked scanning the room for him. He was a good guy so he gave us some privacy.
"There were no name involved this time." she comforts me.
I let out a breath in relief. Well, at least all he knows now is that I'm writhing and shouting till I fall out of bed like any other mental person, he has no proves that this has anything to do with his brother-in-law!
"God, look at you!" Alice's tone was concerned… and scared... So I take a look.
So, I was on the floor now, as usual. What? Bed was too small for such a determined person! A brand new bruise on my leg was telling me where the leg pain was coming from. It seems I had again a problem with my bed's leg, or legs...
"Those things have to stop!" said Alice almost as determined as me.
"Yeah, totally agree! Why didn't I get that restraining jacket yet? I want to be able to go to the beach again someday!" from the look on her face she has no idea how serious I am.
"I'm glad you think this is funny!" she was starting to get angry… Maybe is better for her not to know how serious I am…
"Oh, come on, sis. You told me I have to stay positive in any circumstances. "
"And since when does hurting yourself have anything to do with being positive?"
Ouch! She looks like she's thinking to give me some help at bruising. Maybe I should at least try to look sane…
"You're right…" I said defeated. "…but I can't take them; I told you they make me sick!" I answered to the unspoken questions from her eyes.
"There is no way you could have any side effects from the ones I gave you the last time!"
"I don't know…" I said.
Well, actually they had a major one: I wasn't dreaming about him anymore, and that hurt even more then any bruise I could get! I needed him! I was addicted to those moments when he was nice and tender to me, before the dream would go crazy... I know! I'm a lost cause! And there's no way I could tell her about this.
Alice helps me to get back on bed.
"I don't know, Bella, it's a week since all this started… maybe you should run some tests."
"Please don't start! I'm begging you!" I said a little more desperate then I intended.
She looked worried, and I couldn't blame her. But I knew tests won't do any good, unless they are psychological. And those ones were scary!
"Anyway, this is not why I came for. I have to tell you something..." she frowns.
"If it's another one of your 'perfect Bella' theories you can forget it!" I growled. Last time I almost kicked her out when she start telling me about how much he loves me. Still, she didn't seem to even notice my reaction.
"No, it's not this. It's about him."
In 26 hours it will be exactly a week since I put my soul behind me, since I decided to do the right thing for her. Not seeing her was hard but not seeing her knowing everything is over without a chance, it was worse then hell! If before I was a wreck, now I am a shell. If I love her? More then it could be healthy, but again, I got nothing to do with that concept. Will I ever move on? I honestly doubt this could be possible. Before I would use my family as the reason to get me through life, to make me keep going, but now even their existence is way too fade comparing to loosing her. I was out of reasons to laugh, to hope and to dream. Though it all began with dreaming, but now, after I lived for real the miracle, my imagination seemed to be way too poor.
What the hell is Emmett doing in my room?
"How's my favorite little brother?"
Was that rhetorical?
"Fine, thank you." I answered trying to smile and actually look fine.
"Why aren't you downstairs with everybody?"
Like everybody was all I needed now! Yeah, sure!
"I'm not in the mood for it." It was another one of Carlisle's fancy parties without any special occasion. Just for the love of networking. Which I was allergic to lately, unless it had something to do with cyberspace?
Emmett sits down by my side.
"Bro, no offense, but this can't go on forever. You isolated in here for almost a week now and you look like shit!"
"Thank you. That's so nice of you!" I said as ironically as I could; trying to avoid what's next.
"And the thing is; you don't have to go through all this. She cares about you too and she's just as miserable as you are. There's no reason why you both should go trough all this!"
Yeah, like there would be any chance to make Emmett avoid the topic. But it was too late. He just opened the gate to hell and I burst:
"No reason? How about the fact that I'm fucking dying every day? How about the fact that I may drag her in the same situation? How about the fact that I already hurt her enough and she deserves someone better! Someone who can give to her completely, with nothing to interfere…"
"But you can give her all those too! While you were together your recovery was extraordinary and Alice told me she never saw her so happy before..."
"But that was all a lie! She thought I was something else! It's stupid to hope so high!"
"No! You believing that a virus can change you into someone else is stupid. You're a great guy, infected with HIV or not! The only moment when you hurt her was when you decided to leave! She's a wreck! No, to be more precise, she's like you!
She's like …me?
"No!" I shouted jumping on my feet. "She can't become like me! Don't you ever say this again! Never!"
Emmett was staring at me visibly taken aback by my reaction.
My pulse was racing and I felt like I was going to explode. Like everything in my universe was collapsing fast, and there was nothing I could do except to stay and watch. Hell was nothing compared to this! The room was spinning faster and faster and Emmett's panicked voice sounded more and more distant. My body became numb while I dive into darkness.
She's like you!
She's like you!
She's like you!
Emmett's words came back to me as a hammer. I opened my eyes fast desperate for a proof all this was just a bad dream.
White ceiling. Strange. My room is green.
Her worm voice made me smile involuntary as my head snapped towards her. Maybe it was just a bad dream after all.
But when my eyes fall on her face they made my hart ache. She was pale and tired, looking like she hasn't been sleeping in ages. It reminded me of the girl I met that day at the hospital. The girl who run out of the elevator… Memories start to come back and things get clearer and clearer: it wasn't just a bad dream. It was just… life.
"Hi." I answered.
"I missed you so much! You scared me like hell!" she said taking my hand.
"Sorry…" I said half guilty, half surprised and happy. "What are you doing here?" I asked her as I realize something wasn't right.
"Well, Alice came to me and told me you're here. I told her I'm probably the last person you'll want to see, but she insisted that there's a reason for your behavior and you actually want me here." she said embarrassed. "But I knew this was a bad idea. I should go..."
"No!" I almost shout. "She's right. I want you here! More then anything!"
She looked at me bewildered and the spark in her eyes was coming back to life. Just seeing her like this was making me feel way more alive and strong enough to do everything. She sat down on my bed and took my hand. Then she asked me in a small, but determined voice.
"I'm not sure, but I suppose is nothing out of ordinary ... Not for me, anyway." I trailed off thinking this should make sense for her if Alice told her.
"What do you mean not for you?" she asks looking confused for real. "Does the reason have anything to do with you being here now?"
"Yes, it has everything to do with it."
"Do you think you could tell me?"
She's so sweet. I really don't deserve her! She isn't demanding anything from me. She's giving me a choice, a way out of it in case there is no reason. How can she not see how special she is to me? I took her hand to my lips and kissed it. Her skin set my lips on fire. That's it. She has the right to know!
"I should have told you a long time ago and I hope you'll be able to forgive me after you hear the truth. But before that I want you to know you are a dream come true and these days with you were the happiest in my life."
She was looking at me with warm eye, but she was slightly frowning.
"You're kind of scaring me..." she says playfully but I could hear the worry behind her tone.
"Just promise me something, you'll listen till the end what I'm going to say and you won't run away screaming, at least not until I finish."
"Was this supposed to calm me down?" she asks rising an eyebrow and we both start laughing. Yeah, this was crazy. What I was trying? To make her run away before I even had the chance to start? Talking about sick twisted thinking!
I took a deep breath and I dive in:
"When I was 17 my girlfriend from high school cheated on me..."
"And you killed her and dumped her body in the woods?"
"That's what you call listening to the end?" I said between laughter.
"Hey, do you see me running anywhere screaming? You didn't say anything about questions and I was just trying to be perceptive."
"That's more like being sinister, but anyway." Then I pause. "And what if I did? I got angry and I lost it for a second and before I could realize what was happening, they were both dead." I did my best to stay composed, but it was so hard! Her face was priceless! She was frowning, but she wasn't running anywhere. I took a deep breath before I go on: "Now you understand why I can't be in a relationship? I'm just risking your life with every second I spend around you!" That one wasn't a lie!
"Well, that may explain a few things..." She still didn't look half as scared as a normal person would be. This is strange… and kind of shocking… "But if is something you can not control, I'm sure you are already on medication for it, and you never give any signs to be violent, not in a scary way, anyway. Plus, we can learn how to control it, the key is to learn the symptoms which come before the breakdown began, but first of all, I'll never give you any reasons to lose it." she finished determined and proud like she'd just solved a big mystery. I was still staring at her is shock. Did she just come up with a plan to make living with a serial killer easier?
"Are you mocking me?"
"No, I'm as serious as I can be. I never claimed to be sane though..."
"I can see that!" I say as I burst into laughter again. This confessing thing was quite funny actually.
But not for her. She was now sending daggers to me.
"Well, at least I'm a good entertainment! That should worth keep me alive! You don't find suicidal desperate idiots every day, right?"
Shit! She thinks I was mocking her?
"No, baby, I didn't mean it to sound like this! I have no idea why I said all this." I screamed as she was going fast straight to the doors. "I'm HIV-positive!" I screamed as a final try to keep her from going away. And it worked. She stopped and the time seemed to stop along with her. I was waiting for a sign, a curse, a punch, anything, but it looked like she wasn't even breathing. She was just frozen in place, facing the door. After a while, which seemed to be forever, she left her head on her back and sigh. I had no idea what that mean so I just went on:
"I was starting to feel sick so I went to a doctor. That's how I found out she cheated on me, when the results came… Alice was, and is, my doctor. My whole life was on hold from that moment until I found you." She was not turning around and that was killing me! I needed to see her face, her expression, like I needed air! "I never understood why she even let me get close to you knowing what I am..."
And then she turned... She was smiling sad, with tears is her eyes.
She looked for something in my eyes and then she said: "Alice is a very smart girl and she knows me better then I ever gave her credit for. Now, let me tell you what you are: my own personal miracle who showed me that I can matter for somebody and make me feel like I deserve to be happy for the first time in my life. You showed me I can actually live, and that meant enough to me to make me go beyond the whole killing thing! That should give you a hint."
She winked. Seriously?
"But you don't understand; I could get you infected too! I could ruin your life! Plus, look at me! I'm a wreck! I'll be nothing more then a burden for you! Maybe you don't see it now, but one day you'll hate me!" I said even though every word burned trough me.
Something from her eyes went off.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked on a voice which told me I was loosing her. I panicked.
"I wanted to, you have no idea how much, but you are, and you always were, very special to me and I felt it was going to hurt too bad when you'll leave like all the other ones did." I said desperate.
As I watched the tears stream down her beautiful face, I knew she has seen the real me for the first time. She saw the monster in me: the one who lied to her and put her in danger. I'm not Mr. Right anymore! How could I ever be?
"You know what hurts the most? You put us through all this just because you don't trust me!" she says in a broken voice.
I was in shock; this was definitely not the reaction I had expected. I wanted to tell her that it was not her who I didn't trust; it was me who couldn't be trusted. I can't believe that after she heard everything she's still taking the blame upon her! Just before I open my mouth and say the words, my eyes fall upon the window, on those dark grey clouds and I remember that she needs, and deserves, the sun.
She turns around and I closed my eyes. I wanted so bad to stand, catch her arm and not let her go, but I was too weak. As much as I tried my body wouldn't respond. Damn it! Tears were streaming from my eyes too and I felt like screaming.
I heard some slow steps and the door closing. So this was it. It was over.
I could feel the coldness of my tars which couldn't be compared with the darkness from my soul. Suddenly warmth surrounds me as a pair of soft lips touched mine. Drawn to them as a magnet I was unable to let them go. As part of me was afraid to open my eyes and see I was just hallucinating from the medicines, my hand went up to her neck and as it touched her skin it pulled her close to me. Her arms were all around me, moving fast. I couldn't be that good at hallucinating! I opened my eyes and she was there, looking back in my eyes.
"You should know me better then that. I will never leave you, not as long as you want me here." she kissed me again.
The cocktail of feelings was impossible to describe... I just pulled her closer to me and kissed her. Not just that she said she's not leaving, but she knows everything and she's still here, all over me, without any restrains, not even thinking of how dangerous I am. The machines I was connected to went crazy while we got carried away, completely forgetting about our location. I have to admit now I was grateful she closed that door. I'm pretty sure the hospital policy on indecent behavior is not too permissive.
Our lips separated only when we run out of air. She laid her head on my chaste, without moving an inch away from my body. I took her hair away from her face and whispered: "I love you!"
"I love you too! More then you can imagine."
She looked so peaceful and happy...
So maybe we have a chance... And by some really twisted judgment of fate, she was meant to be my angel, at least till now... All I know is, till now, only together we are able to find balance.
So, this was it. What do you think? Does it worth the waiting? Was it up to your expectations? My exams start this week so I don't know when I'll get to update again… And I'm not even sure if I should update it… What do you think? Do you think this could be a nice ending?
Thank you so much for reading this. Review and let me know what you think.