Chapter 14: Try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right
Being here among all these people who hate me is so uncomfortable. You always think its fine to a point because it's all just a game, it's nothing personal, and when it's all said and done you'll never see these people again.
It's never that simple or easy. You grow attached, you fall in love, and you become angered by all the betrayals and opposing sides. To be dragged back here and be asked by some TV host (who made your life hell) how your life is going now and what you're up to is demeaning.
Yet the irony is that you signed up for it all, you asked for it, and now the world gets to watch you at your best and worst.
My stomach twists and turns at the thought of sitting down with Duncan about all the craziness of what has happened between us all. I know Chris will be dying to ask how it all came to this and what it is I feel.
What I feel is confusion. How can I answer anything truthfully when I don't even know what the answers are? When I already feel like I'm leading Trent on and he has no idea how I really feel?
"It's time," one of the producers says to me as I'm staring dumbly at the mirror. They want to see me with Duncan first.
Here we go…
Chris hasn't changed, still the big ego and slimy attitude that makes him the perfect host.
"I'm sitting here with what use to be, a fan favorite relationship of good girl and bad boy. It should come as no surprise that Duncan and Courtney have always had their ups and downs, but it's to my understanding that these two are no longer together." Chris turns to us eagerly. "Do either of you care to explain?"
Duncan and I are sat awkwardly on a small sofa next to each other. Duncan is trying to be cool, but I can tell he's agitated and doesn't feel like talking, so I decided to take over.
"Well… it's kind of like you said Chris. Duncan and I do have a lot of ups and downs, and I think it just kind of got to a point where we were both tired of the drama and decided to move on."
Duncan looks at me a bit surprised and nods at Chris for conformation.
"Forgive me for saying this Courtney, but I think you are completely bullshitting me," Chris says with his mocking laughter.
I bite the inside of my cheek trying not to lose my composure. Duncan gently kicks my foot to help me cool down. I'm glad he's at least on my side for this interview. "I wish there was more to it Chris, but there really isn't."
"So the fact that Duncan hooked up with Gwen right after your so called "mutual" break up doesn't bother you at all?" Chris asked sneakily.
"Um…" My words caught in my throat and I had to remind myself to watch what I said. I really didn't want to make this a big deal, I didn't want to give Chris what he wanted.
"I mean it surprised me a little, but we weren't together at the time so it's not like I can hold him accountable for his actions or who he fell in love with," I say all this with my head down so I won't have to look at Duncan. It still hurt thinking of the day he told me he wanted to see other people, primarily Gwen.
"Yeah, but again, this isn't just anyone. This is Gwen, someone you suspected Duncan of having feeling for when you two were together," interjected Chris.
Again my words get caught in my throat. This time Duncan steps in and saves me from shooting myself in the foot. "I do want to make it clear that I never pursued Gwen while I was still with Courtney. We were only friends, and after the break-up it was Gwen who made me feel better and made me feel comfortable about entering another relationship."
I lick my lips nervously and wait for Chris to ask another question. "So are you saying it's easier to be with Gwen than it is to be with Courtney?"
He obviously wanted to see me and Duncan get into one of our arguments we were so famous for. Again Duncan saves me.
"Any relationship is going to be difficult," I say to Chris getting more and more irritated. Was it difficult being with Courtney? Yes… but that doesn't mean she deserves to be made out like the worst girlfriend in the world. "Courtney is a good person, I don't have any resentment or anger towards her."
Chris looks back at Courtney smugly. "Does Courtney feel the same way? I find it hard to imagine that she wouldn't harbor any negative feelings towards you what so ever."
I would find it hard to believe as well, Courtney is very good at holding a grudge. This time I decide not to answer for her.
Courtney finally sits up a little taller this time and looks Chris square in the eye. "I don't have time to worry about what it is I feel or don't feel for Duncan. I'm with Trent now."
Chris's face brightens up and I can tell he's going in for the kill. "Yes I heard about that, did you hook up with Trent to get back at Duncan for hooking up with Gwen?"
I kick Courtney harder this time because I immediately notice her roll up her fist and preparing to launch up from the couch. She breathes in deeply before letting out a small stifled laugh. "No Chris, I hooked up with Trent because I genuinely wanted to. He's a wonderful boyfriend and I'm happy to be with him."
If I wasn't uncomfortable before, I am now. It's weird hearing your ex talk about her current boyfriend.
Chris wasn't about to let up though. "Are you in love with Trent?"
I look over at Courtney curious about that question myself. When I see her struggle to answer, I can't help but look at her completely confused. I would think by now she'd be completely head over heels for him. Chris and I wait patiently for her to answer and she looks at the both of us as though we just put a gun to her head.
"I- I…. I don't see if that's any of your business."
Really? That was unexpected. I was getting ready for her to declare her love and how much better he was than me. Now I am really confused. Was there something not right between them? It's hard to imagine Trent not being able to make her happy, then again I'm not much better.
I look back to Chris and shrug my shoulders at him. Neither of us was willing to say anything else
"Ok no offense, but you two are boring me to death," Chris says greatly disappointed.
"None taken," I snap.
"Let's see if we can't get a little more action from our second most popular ex couple, Gwen and Trent!" Chris says into the camera dramatically. "Ok cut, onto the next one."
Chris doesn't even say good bye to us as he leaves me and Courtney by ourselves in the room. I start thinking of leaving myself.
"Some update that was," Courtney complained suddenly breaking the silence. "I didn't even get a chance to brag about getting into the top university in this country and how I plan to sue his ass off."
I smirk amused and say "Congratulations." She always wanted to be a lawyer and I can't help but feel happy for her. I wanted to wish her luck in the pursuit of trying to sue Chris, but I didn't think it was a good idea encouraging Courtney's vengeful side.
"Don't suppose anything new is going on in your life," she asked trying to make conversation.
"Not really," I answer. 'Just living off my millions till something else comes along."
Courtney rolls her eyes but smiles all the same. "Same old, same old." Courtney squeezes her eyes close and says, "I hope Gwen and Trent handle Chris's interrogation better than we did."
"I think we did pretty good actually," I say proudly.
Courtney seems less than convinced, I'm sure she was replaying the whole conversation in her head, looking for any mistakes she might've made.
"I wish he wouldn't have asked me that question," she practically whispers to herself shaking her head.
At first I'm not sure which one she means till I remember the one she technically didn't answer.
I know I'm out if place for asking but I decide to ask anyway. "Are you not in love with him?"
I expect her to say it's none of my business and storm out, instead she looks up at me sadly and answers "I don't know."
Again it goes quiet, I should just leave but I'll feel like a total jackass if I just leave her here. Finally she speaks tentatively. "How did you know when you fell in love with Gwen?"
Her question nearly knocks me off my feet and for a while I debate whether I should answer or not, but I can tell she's longing for a answer from me and decide we're at a point where I can answer without us being weird about it.
Wait was I even in love with Gwen yet? I never really felt the pressure to say it to her, nor have I given it much thought since everything between us has been so nice and casual.
"You know Court, I think I might be in the same vote as you."
She looks at me surprised. "Really? But you two seem so happy together."
"Well we are," I say defensively. "But why rush everything? You're happy with Trent regardless right?"
She nods at me and adds, "Well yeah, but don't you ever feel…" She struggles to find the words and looks at me helplessly.
I look at her impatiently and tell her to spit it out. "Don't you feel like you shouldn't have to try so hard to feel that desire, like it should be easy like it was the first time? Like even though it hurt so much the first time you want so badly to feel that kind of love again"
I think back to how easy it was to make up my mind about wanting Courtney and how I knew immediately when I was actually in love with her, but this isn't the same kind of situation. I always knew how much she loved me, she told me enough, but I think I had always left her wondering; now she was probably unsure of a lot of things when it came to men and I was mostly to blame.
"Well it's a lot more fucking complicated now," I say a little mad she brought this whole personal dilemma up. "But that still doesn't mean it won't happen." I wish I could be more reassuring, but it's not like I can make any promises for either of us.
Courtney runs her fingers through her hair tiredly and rises to leave, before she opens the door though I decided to tell her one last thing. "Just so you know, I meant everything I said in the interview."
I know there is some resentment in her for hooking up with Gwen, especially when we were only meant to be on a break and not a full out break up. I know I hurt her bad, but I honestly never meant to.
Courtney looks back at me one last time before replying, "I know."
I don't know why, but when she walks out I feel a strong urge to call her back.
Chris comes into the room with a camera man and a big sadistic smile on his face, Gwen gives me and anxious look and we both know we're back in the hot seat.
Chris chuckles once before directing the camera man to aim the lights at us, introducing us and adding on, "We saw them break up on live national TV and now off the cameras, they have hooked up with each other's exes."
"Oh god," Gwen whispers under her breath readjusting herself.
I want to reach over and squeeze her hand or something, but things are already awkward enough especially with Chris trying to embarrass us.
"Trent and Gwen, how did it go from the two of you being so pathetically in love with each other to seeking out each other's exes?"
Gwen and I look back and forth at each other trying to figure out something to say.
Gwen finally gives it a try and stutters out, "I don't know, it's not like anyone was intentionally trying to hook up with the ex of their ex."
Chris raises an eyebrow and looks at me for conformation, I don't answer fast enough for Chris though. "See that's the trouble I'm having with this situation, everyone keeps saying it wasn't intentional and that you all had the best of intentions, but no one is really saying what's going on."
"What exactly do you think is going on?" I ask Chris not sure where this conversation is going.
"I believe there's a lot of unfinished business between the four of you, I mean Trent you were suspicious of Duncan trying to make a move on Gwen and then as soon as all the break-ups happen, they hook up. You're not a little bit angry about that?"
My mouth goes dry thinking about Total Drama Action and how much time and conversation Duncan made with Gwen and the laid back jokes and light flirting. Yeah it had made me mad and jealous to the point of acting like a crazy maniac.
"I guess I was upset at the time, but it's not like I can tell her who to see and not see," I look at Gwen who looks back at me thoughtfully. I know she's thinking of those days on total Drama Action too.
"Uh-huh," says Chris already getting bored. "Gwen would you have stayed with Trent had he not gotten so weird during the show?"
Gwen looks at Chris a bit surprised. I don't really blame her, it's a slightly inappropriate question. "Um… I really don't know Chris. I think if its not meant to be it's just not meant to be," she says shrugging her shoulders.
I try to nod in agreement, acting as though I'm cool with her answer, but honestly her statement hurt my feelings.
"But if that were true, wouldn't you have hooked up with Duncan in the first place?" Chris asks slyly.
Again Gwen looks at Chris speechless and just laughs nervously. "I don't think that's a fair question, I wasn't even on the same team with him for the first season," says Gwen defensively.
"I don't think that's a good excuse Gwen, considering you went out of your way to get to know Duncan on season two, despite the fact that you were both with other people."
Gwen's face turns red and her jaw drops. "I did not go out of my way- that is not- you are such a-'' Gwen crosses her arms over herself angrily and clutches her jaw shut.
I wanted to tell Chris he was being unfair, but it's hard to do that when that was exactly how I felt during Total Drama. I finally clear my throat and decide its best to talk honestly, maybe then Chris would stop grilling us and just let the whole thing go.
"Here's what I will say about the situation, the fact that of all people she hooked up with Duncan..." I tell Chris getting serious. "Yeah it hurt my feelings, and the hardest part for me was accepting that things between us weren't going to work out after all, and I guess the only thing I have the hardest time getting over is why she chose Duncan."
Chris finally gets excited at my honesty and quickly turns on Gwen who is looking at me as though I just betrayed her. "That is a valid point Trent," says Chris. "Why did you choose to be with Duncan Gwen?"
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
My stomach is in knots, I feel like I'm hyperventilating, my head is throbbing and I'm hot from being so damn pissed at Chris. There is no way this is going even worse than I thought it would. First I'm being attacked by Chris for being an awful girlfriend, then all of a sudden Trent is wanting an explanation from me for being with Duncan.
How the hell do you even answer a question like that? I'm sure by now my face looks like a terrified mess on the camera and I seem like a deer caught in the headlights.
My mouth goes dry and I avoid looking at the camera all together, I can't even stand to look at Trent or Chris anymore. I'm so upset I honestly consider walking out of the room, why should I explain myself to Trent or to the public? However I figured if I give some form of answer it would stop people from badgering me constantly about it.
Still keeping my eyes on the floor I simply answer, "I didn't choose to be with Duncan, I fell in love. He started as my friend and I started to feel more for him and I decided it was worth pursuing."
Chris nods approvingly and asks me yet another uncomfortable question. "Were you in love with Trent?"
I scoff getting even more pissed off. "How can you even ask me something like that?"
"Well did you? 'Cause from my perspective it seems like you went about breaking up with him very easily."
I look at Trent and realize he is also waiting for an answer. How can he not be sure about my feelings back then, it wasn't like I really wanted to break up. "Trent come on! This is absurd, I cared very deeply for you."
Trent looked at me very seriously and said, "I know you cared about me, and you know I loved you and wanted to be with you, but did you love me?"
His behavior on the show had driven me crazy, I wanted to be away from him, I had wanted to be with Duncan, I had wanted out of the whole mess.
I get so incredibly frustrated and feel so backed into a corner that the first thing that snaps out of my mouth is a very angry and loud "I don't know!"
As soon as I say it Trent looks at me in a weird moment of realization and disappointment and a wave of sadness and guilt flies over me that my hand sweeps over my mouth and I shake with shock over what I had just said.
I can't believe I just said such a thing and I can't believe its all been caught on camera, I had been so in the moment of confrontation with Trent I had actually forgotten Chris and the camera were there.
Now I was the bad guy, the fans had every right to feel betrayed. It had seem like such a good romance on TV and yet here I was saying that I never really did commit and pledge a love for Trent. I was just the heart-breaker.
I fall deep into my seat and feel the tears start to form, I am so embarrassed and ashamed.
For the first time its Chris who becomes uncomfortable and decides to cut it short. "Uh… ok I think that's all we need." He tells the camera man to cut and he leaves me crying on the couch and Trent in serious thought and anger next to me.
Chase: What do you miss the most?
Cameron: I miss a lot of things, but when I think about missing you, I think of that dance class we took before the wedding. It's weird, but I think to myself, my god he's never going to hold me like that again.