And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment and all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive...
Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls
(Songs always linked on profile)
This is the story of the love of my life.
The girl, who at just seven-years old, unknowingly stole my heart with her quiet demeanor and her big brown eyes.
The one who held the power, time after time, to make my palms sweaty and my insides quake from nervousness.
The one who three years later, gave me my first kiss. I'd never forget the sensation of her soft lips as they grazed mine.
The one whom I'd thought of every single night when my head touched my feather-down pillow, and then when I arose with the sun, my mind flooded with visions of her.
That girl, Bella Swan, became the purpose of my existence. I counted the days until I could see her again, touch her hair, and hold her hand. The summer vacations and the Christmas holidays never seemed to be enough.
At thirteen, she rested in my arms in a field of clovers, and we lost touch with our petty problems and our immature worries as we held onto each other. The blue sky provided the distraction of peace, and right then and there I began to think of love.
Two years later she allowed me to see her naked, and I thought she was the most beautiful creature that had ever chanced upon this earth.
When I surprised her for her sweet sixteen birthday, we spoke of our futures and promised forever as we confessed aloud our never-ending love.
The miles between us never mattered, we were just meant to be.
That was...until were weren't.
Things happened in my life, circumstances that changed the core of who I was. I couldn't allow myself to get caught up in the dreams of love and the promises of happy endings anymore.
The longing for innocent touches that my body seemed to cry out for became too good for me.
The way she could look in my eyes, as if she were staring right at my soul, I knew I wouldn't be able to mask my rage and hide my pain.
The way she had bound her future to me and placed it in my hands was now an unwanted gift. I had to return it to her so she could live as she was entitled.
She deserved better.
So, as my world began to cave in around me, I selfishly took one more night to sleep in her arms, touch her skin, and feel her breath upon my chest.
I marvelled in the contours of her body. I took refuge in the wetness of her kiss, and I danced in the lust parading around in her dark eyes.
I listened to her groan out my name in pleasure, hoping it would forever echo throughout my mind.
I prayed that the essence of her body might brand my senses so I could carry it with me always.
Those countless times I was buried deep within her, in exchange for my damaged soul - I'd stolen her virginity, robbed her virtue, and basked in her innocence. That last night we were together, I fucked her over and over. My carnal desire to posses her body – to control her just one more time, took precedence over every other need but to breathe. We floated together to Heaven's gates and danced along the clouds. Then as the dawn broke, long before she began to wake and greet me with her precious smile – I left. Somehow, I'd convinced myself it was for the best.
And for six years, I believed my self-constructed lies. I brooded in my doomed fate and took my vengeance out on the world. I roamed from place to place, a drifter only living for myself. Everything was mine for the taking, nothing was out of my reach. The only exception, Bella Swan.
My conscience was gone, somewhere tucked away with my heart and soul. Maybe years ago, I'd left them with her.
As an angel, she haunted my dreams trying to save me from myself, but I was always victorious. My sinister being could out run her golden wings. I walked a path that was destined straight to Hell, a place where heavenly angels weren't permitted to tread.
I sometimes heard her whisper my name in my sleep, and those nights - I wished I'd never wake.
My world without Bella became my Hell upon earth. I lived. I breathed. I existed, but deep inside my soul, I was tormented.
As the days passed, it only became harder to live without her. The hours somehow longer and the days seemed to never end.
I jumped each time a phone would ring, curious of the caller. My neck cracked each time I whipped it around in search of the source of a familiar laugh. Each reminder of her had begun to fill me with an undeserved hope, until one day... one hour... one minute – I was full and could hope no more.
I sped away on my bike, en route for the celestial mountain range of the Rockies. My destination – The Dwyer House.
My goal – apologize to Bella Swan and rid myself of the guilt of breaking her heart. My plans after that unknown. I still felt as though there was no place that I belonged. No happiness I was worthy of. No love I had to give away, just forgiveness to chase away my demons and closure for my pathetic life.
But first, I would tell this story from the beginning where the love began. Start with our shared past and what led me to here. Me, Edward Cullen, soaked from the rain that was hiding my tears, sitting on my bike on the long driveway that wound up the hill to the Dwyer House. The contents of my stomach expelled in the bushes down the road. My heart pounding against my breastbone and my fear screaming at me to just leave. I shouldn't do this.
I shouldn't walk up that stone walkway and knock on that door.
I should leave.
I should turn around and drive, fill my small tank with gas and never look back.
I should go.
I tilted my head back and closed my eyes as the darkened sky poured rain all over me.
But somewhere deep inside my being I felt warm.
I was surrounded by memories; this was us, this was our place, this was ...The Dwyer House.
"Even a happy life cannot be with out a measure of darkness. The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."
~Carl Gustav Jung
These chapters will be short & simple. There will be some fluff, then angst, then -(fill in the blank).
Thanks to afragilelittlehuman for pre-reading, Becky for showing how bad I am at comma placements, and therunaway for the all over beta! This fic is also on Twilighted & TWCS.
Let me know what u think.