Deus Ex Amore



It was another day, school had just ended, for most that meant a chance to go home, to relax in the company of family and friends. For myself, however, I meant I would once again be subject to the insane whims and inane commands of the girl known as Haruhi Suzumiya. I trudged my way to the club room, as I did every week day. You know, some times I thought about quiting the club, about leaving them all behind and living a "normal" life. I laughed, that would never happen, Haruhi would never allow it.

I swear, even if I died Haruhi would find a way to raise me as a zombie just to keep me around for her amusement. With a heavy knock, and a even heavier sigh, I once again crossed the threshold between reality and the strange pocket Haruhi lived in. Things were in typical order, Itsuki has brought in some new card game to play, Mikuru was serving tea in her ever so adorable maid's uniform, Yuki was sitting in her usual chair, her face buried in some immense science fiction novel. The scene brought a smile to my face, no matter how strange these people were, they were my friends. I think thats why I keep coming back here everyday. Within a second of my Idyllic thoughts were shattered by the bombastic voice of an angry goddess. Haruhi had just burst in the door, some strange prop in hand, and instantly began plotting our eventual demise.

"BRIGADE! YOUR CHIEF HAS RETURNED!" She shouted at the top of her lungs, I swear if Haruhi's voice went any higher it would shatter reality itself. "Today's meeting will be about the Brigade's obligations as per the student hand book. As you all know, or at least pretend to, we are required to host one social and one fund raising event a semester. Since we've done neither, which I assume is Kyon's fault, I've decided to knock out both in one strike!" Personal attacks aside I did not like where this was going. ,Though,despite my best instincts, I said nothing in protest, allowing Haruhi's insane rambling to continue unabated. "We will be holding a match making event this Saturday in the school auditorium. We'll charge 300 yen a ticket, do a few rounds of random speed dating, everything will work out perfectly!" Perfectly? Haruhi was certinly getting ahead of herself, I bet she didn't even bother to make a basic plan on how to run this thing. "KYON! You and Yuki will be in charge of setting up the event itself, being as I can't trust you alone with Mikuru and Itsuki wouldn't know the first thing about romance!" Wait to go Haruhi, you managed to insult the entire Brigade in one sentence, a new record.... "If you have any questions, keep them to yourselves, I don't wanna here any complaining till this whole thing is over and everyone in the school hails the name of the SOS Brigade!"

With that Haruhi grabbed Mikuru by the neck and, quite against her will, dragged herself and the SOS brigade's unofficial mascot from the room. Itsuki followed suit, leaving myself and Yuki with a sly smile. I swear that bastard is hiding something, but now was not the time for baseless speculation, I had to figure out away to sort out Haruhi's misguided idea, as per usual. Then,before I could even begin thinking, Haruhi poked her head through the club's wide open doorway, a mischievous grin on her face. "Oh Kyon! I forgot, you and Yuki should act like your in love, we'll sell more tickets if the student's think the Brigade's actually capable of hooking people up!" Our chief disappeared back whence she came, leaving a rather awkward aura in her wake. How the heck was supposed to pretend I was dating Yuki? The girl never said more then two words to anyone unless it concerned the very fate of the universe. On top of that, I don't even know if shes truly human. Back in her apartment she said she was a Biological Interface, or something, what does that even mean?! As my mind tried to sort out the implications of dating Nagato, she had moved to my side with the swiftness of a ninja, she was pulling on my jacket, in the manner of a small child asking for attention.

I turned my gaze to the purple haired android and gave a look that told her she had my attention. "Kyon-kun... As it will appease the will of Suzumiya-san, I will act in the role of your "girlfriend" for duration of this event. Does this meet your approval?" Her gaze was so direct, it seemed as if she was staring directly into my soul. "It does, Nagato-san." I replied as I always did when she asked for my approval. Then, without a word, Nagato took hold of my hand, in my head I began to panic, what was she going to try?! She quickly intertwined her fingers with mine, holding a them in place with unnatural strength. "Nagato" I turned to her with an accusing glance "What are you doing?" She replied in her usual monotone explanation.

"I do believe the protocols of "dating" call for us to intertwine our fingers when walking in close proximity." Ah Nagato, you are the only person on Earth who could take something romantic and make it sound like manual labor.

"That's correct Nagato, though we should get going, most clubs are let out by now. I need to get home and do some homework..." We walked to the school gate hand in hand. People were staring and murmuring things as we passed, my reputation for liking weird girls had been sealed, it seemed. Despite the comments and gossip, I was kind of enjoying myself. Nagato was still cute, despite her cold nature, I could kinda get used to this... My good mood was quickly spoiled once we arrived at the school's gate. Nagato refused to loosen her grip on my hand no matter how hard I struggled. "Nagato, let me go! I told you, I have to go home!" Despite my pleading she would not let go. After a minute or so she gave reason to her strange behavior.

"The books I have read on the subject direct that the pairing of human beings referred to as "couples" are supposed to spend the night in bed together." As she spoke those words, all sign of color drained from my face, time it self seemed to stop. How could I explain that to her without a graphic display, not that I even knew much about the subject anyway. Damn my virginity! Before making a decision on the matter, I looked directly into the young alien's eyes. From her stoic expression, it seemed she was quite intent on making this happen. With a heavy sigh and a sense I might very well be doing something wrong, I answered her conjecture. "You are correct Nagato-san, would you like to stay at my house tonight?" Nagato didn't answer, a rare event that spoke volumes more then anything she could have said, instead opting to nod an innocent sign of "yes" with her head. At least she seemed happy, as far as I could tell. Mean while my head swam with the outcomes of what I had just done, none of them ended well and several involved the end of the world as we knew it! But, despite all this, I felt fine, Nagato was a good girl, we'd have fun one way or another. I gave her an affirmative nod and walked the tiny girl to my home. My family would be in for a suprise, that was for sure...