Hands Clean
by pari106

"Now flash forward to a few years later
and no one knows it 'cept the both of us
and I have honored your request for silence
and you've
washed your hands clean of this."

-Alanis Morisette, "Hands Clean"

Code: Logan/Asha; M/L tone; short
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: DA is not mine
Spoilers: minor for "Hello, Goodbye"

Summary: Just some more of Asha's thoughts on the situation with her, Logan, and Max. This time from
after episode 17.

Hands Clean
by pari106

"She broke up with me."

Yeah, she did.

I want to say I didn't expect it. Well… Okay. Maybe 'expect' isn't the right word. But let's not go there.

Anyhow, I want to say *something* comforting. But I'm not sure what. I guess cause I'm not sure what I
think about this; what I feel. So how can I help Logan work out his own feelings?

I wanted to say something to Max, too. When she really needed it – while Logan was maybe dying and we
were just waiting around to see what would happen. But the words stuck in my throat. What could I say to

What could I say while she was blaming herself for him needing that blood transfusion in the first place?
The truth is, I was blaming her, too, even though I tried not to. What could I say while she was stressing
that it was all her fault? It was. I know it's not that simple, but sometimes it seems like it ought to be.

I don't know. To be honest, I've never known what to say to Max. For all the times I've said I understand
how hard this virus and everything must be on her…for all the respect I have for her and Logan… And
God knows I respect Logan; I want him to be happy. The thing is I'd kinda like to be happy, too. I'd like
to be with Logan. Max constantly complains about how she's lost her chance to be with him. And what do
you say to a person who's lost their chance with someone, when you want the same chance that they had?
When you've had that chance and lost it, too? Now matter how badly you might feel for that person, you
just don't feel right saying anything.

And I do feel bad for Max. I really do. But this virus thing has been hard on me, too. Listening to Max
complain about how Logan can't touch her…knowing he can touch me, but isn't going to. Listening to her
talk about how she can't touch him… Knowing she never has; not really. Not like I have.

Yeah, I've touched Logan. I've *been* with Logan. He's been with me. There was a time when I had that
privilege. When Logan could not only touch me, but did.

There was a time when Logan did a lot of things for me. Things he only ever does for Max now. A time
when I was the one he used to cook for. When I was the one he used to call at odd hours, just to talk.
When I was more than just a partner or just a friend or whatever it is I am to him now.

A memory? Is that what I am? A secret little part of his past he doesn't like sharing with anyone anymore.
Not even me?

And that time between us is definitely a thing of the past. No one else even knows it ever existed. And I
feel bad for Max, having lost the power to touch. But there are worse fates. Like losing the power to
speak, as I have. Losing the power to speak about the happiest, most important time of your life.

At least Max can do that; at least she can talk about it. She can bitch about the virus till she's blue in her
pretty face if she wants; whine to anyone who'll listen. No one seems to mind. Logan certainly doesn't.
Hell, the only time Max even acknowledges that they were a couple is when she's complaining how they
aren't anymore.

But I can't do that. Because I know Logan doesn't like it when I bring up the past. He thinks it would
complicate an already complicated situation if Max knew we'd been lovers. Sometimes…I think he'd like
it if the past hadn't been in the first place. He certainly treats it that way.

So I don't know what to say to Max when she worries about hurting Logan. Not while I'm worried about
the same thing, even though Logan's hurt me already. I don't know what to say when max worries about
the virus. She thinks the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is for one person's touch to become
poison. I think it's much worse when one person has wiped their hands clean of the other, so that touch
isn't even a concern. I think it's much worse to be forgotten, than forbidden.

But perhaps I don't have to tell Max that. Perhaps she's figured it out for herself. Because she did break it
off with Logan, after all. Is she trying to forget, too? Trying to wipe her hands clean?

"She broke up with me," Logan says, and I don't know what to say back.

Then I say something to shut him up. Because why should I always be the one trying to think of something
comforting to say? While everyone else can only talk about themselves?

So I bring up Alec and Max.

"Sometimes I think they'd make the perfect couple…"

Max uses touch as her reason to keep distance. Logan uses silence to achieve it. Why shouldn't I use
words to do the same?

Logan doesn't mention Max again all evening.