Sorry, long time no see! I consider ending this story after two or three more short chapters. So, I can focus on my other stories.

On to the story…


4th Customer: Hirako Shinji


The package arrived when Hirako Shinji went out from their HQ to get lunch.

It came hurled right on his head. Groaning in pain, Shinji glared at the offending package. What the hell—? The blonde man blinked at the box.

Did it barely fly and land on me? He wondered…

Picking the box up, he tilted his head and examined the package from side to side. Nothing seemed too much suspicious. Shinji raised a brow.

"Whose box is this? Is it supposed to be…fer me?"

The box, of course, didn't answer. The blond vaizard sighed. "Keh, I feel silly. Better get goin' fast and buy the food; or else Hiyori'll throw a temper tantrum at me." Or bitch-slap me usin' her sandal, as well…

He decided to keep the box to be opened later.


The box was buzzing.

Shinji was mortified—since the box buzzed in such intensity his body also got buzzing with it. He kept it within his pant's pocket; so the vibration, well, stirred a certain thing. Stifling an involuntary moan, he dug inside his pocket to pull out the box.

"What the—fuckin' hell! It's stuck!"

The box—still buzzing—was, indeed, stuck within his pocket. After some hard struggles and few odd stares from people around him—he was now walking amongst the crowd in Karakura Town Mall—he finally succeeded to pull out the infernal thing, right after he ushered himself into an abandoned alley. Taking one annoyed glare at it, Shinji couldn't help gaping.

"Wha—where is the box?"

Instead of the box he initially pocketed, it had changed into one cell phone; appeared in horrendous colors of white and green stripes (which was suspiciously similar with colors of certain shopkeeper's hat)—complete with the charger, SIM card, earphones, and manual book. A folded paper was glued onto the front of the small book. Frowning, Shinji took and opened it.

'Dear Shinji,

This is my newest type of hollow-detector phone. I give it to you for cheap price: only 600 yen! Isn't it FANTASTIC? I know that Hiyori complains about you being hard to contact lately; it must be because of your old phone.

Your best friend, Urahara Kisuke.'

Shinji frowned. Somehow the crazy shopkeeper's note didn't make any sense at all. He knew that his old phone was okay, nothing problematic like 'hard to contact' or something like that. Hiyori, though, complained about everything, everyday—if not every time—so it wasn't an odd thing. Urahara Kisuke claiming his self to be his best friend…that was definitely not making any sense, at all. Since when, pray tell, they had been friends? Acquaintances, yes; but friends…no.

Though, aside from the distasteful colors the phone was adorned with, Shinji quite appreciated the goods. The price itself was quite reachable—if not impossibly cheap for a cell phone. The slim and sleek design was acceptable; heck, he liked the design better than his old cell phone. His old one was sliding-designed cell phone; sometimes he found himself fumbling with the sliding thing to make it work properly.

"…Heh, not bad really…think I hafta make a drop-in at his shop later…" he paused. "…And ask him about other skin color…this skin makes my stomach crawl… too much similar with his damn hat after all."

Examining the SIM card package, he decided for not opening it and used his old SIM card instead. Fumbling with his old contraption, he eventually pulled out his SIM card and placed it into the new one. Grinning in satisfactory, he pushed the ON button.

The phone buzzed—again.

Shinji's grin faltered. Wait, didn't the device was previously off before I turned it on? If that so, then how did it buzz before? An automatic alarm?

He peered at the receiver screen. An opening message. His brows ticked in annoyance as he saw the message with the chibi-animated of Urahara Kisuke—all in his dark green kimono, haori, cane, and signature striped hat glory—dancing merrily around, accompanied by samba-like music.

'Welcome to Urahara Kisuke's MAGNIFICENT SOUL PHONE ™. ENJOY AND SCROLL AROUND!'

"…That dork…his fashion sense has betrayed him a hundred years ago. I swear I will ban that opening message immediately." Shinji grumbled. "I wonder what Shihouin does see in him after all…"

Scrolling inside the Menu—thank God, it was a normal scrolling menu, without another chibified Urahara dancing around merrily—Shinji decided to erase the opening message. Safety first, he thought with satisfaction. After that, he immediately went to Contact and inspected the content. Thankfully, it was still the same. It was his old SIM card after all.

He went through menu to menu, submenu to submenu; and found nothing strange or out of place. Aside from the damn color and chibi-Urahara animation adorning the phone's Feature and Entertainment contents—Shinji hatefully erased the Graphic folder containing those animation ASAP—the phone was fine. Happy with his recent gift, Shinji whistled a merry tune and went to resume his food buying trip—when he got his first call.

His new phone rang cheerfully—the ringtone was Diggy Mo's 'Stay Beautiful'— successfully startling him. Peering at the device, Shinji couldn't be more surprised anymore when he saw that the one who called him was, unmistakably, Hiyori.

Shinji carefully held the contraption in an arm's length from his ear, before cautiously pushed the Call button. Hiyori's loud and shrilly voice immediately blared out from the speaker.

[SHINJI, YOU DICKHEAD! WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO BUY EIGHT DAMN BENTOS, YOU FOOL? I'M STARVING!]

Shinji sighed.

"…Hiyori, I barely got out fer five minutes…"

[NO SHIT! HURRY UP AND BUY THOSE FOODS! I'M STARVING!]

Shinji sighed again.

"…Stupid monkey-girl…"

[WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?]

"N—no—nothin', Hiyori, really! Nothin'! I did say nothin', yeah!" Shinji stammered, terrified. Hiyori's ears were genuinely sensitive in catching those insulting phrases, especially if they were made by him of all people.

[HMPH! HURRY UP, SHINJI DICKHEAD! OR I SWEAR I WILL BEAT YOUR SKINNY ASS SENSELESS WITH MY SANDAL RIGHT AW—PEEP!] BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Shinji blinked. "Huh? Another buzz? Just what the hell with this phone—"

Another shrill beep emanated and then the buzzing stopped altogether. Shinji stared unblinkingly at the contraption—when a small crevice was formed on the speaker hole. From the hole, a mechanical arm holding a half pair of sandal sprang out with a loud POP.

Shinji's jaw dropped.

"Wha—what the hell? Sandal? Where—how—"

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"SHIT! JUST WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS DAMN PHONE? I SWEAR, KISUKE, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AFTER THIS!" Shinji bellowed furiously, hand nursing his reddened cheek—courtesy of the mechanical-arm-and-sandal. He glared angrily at the phone and swung his arm to throw the infernal thing as far away as he could—when another mechanical arm, holding another half pair of sandal, emerged from the small crevice located on the side of the phone.

Shinji froze…and blinked at the sandal, which was swung towards his face's direction.

"…Shit…"

SMACK!


Urahara did a ROFLMAO right on his stool. And later, his floor also…wherever, he didn't really care. He just…laughed like a madman.

Damn, that was real success! His Hiyori Sandal Smacker™ Mobile version was a brilliant idea after all. He felt indebted to his former fukutaichou—for the idea—after this one.

"Hahahahahahahahaha! Heeheeheeheehee! Uhuk, uhuk…Oh, God, that was really FUNNY! I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS GOOD FOR—FOR EVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Spluttering indecently, the shopkeeper wiped his laughing tears and wobbly tried to stand up from his lying position on the floor. 'Trying' was the keyword. Righting his stool, he perched once more in front of his surveillance monitors and hummed happily. Once in a while, a giggle or snicker slipped out from his mouth; undoubtedly because of the reminiscence of his recent shows.

"Lalalala, now…who's the next customer, hmmm?"