Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach and I don't own Naruto either. Everybody should get it because they;re reading this story here and not in an official magazine.
Summoning the Shinigami
The situation was bad. Very bad, the Third Hokage mused. Konoha was being invaded and he was stuck inside a barrier fighting his wayward, twisted student. And he was losing. If it was just Orochimaru alone, he could have won, despite his old body slowing his down. But the snake had summoned his two predecessors and made them fight him. Sarutobi knew he couldn't win when it was three on one. But he couldn't give up either. And he was known as the Professor for a reason. It was time to play some of the aces in his sleeve. He briefly considered which one. He came to a decision quickly. Yes, that would be good. This technique had been enough to deal with the Kyuubi. It would be enough to deal with Orochimaru and his undead cohorts too. The Sandaime clasped his hands together in a series of handseals, in preparation to summon an unspeakable terror.
Less than a minute later, he was finished. He turned around to see what did he summon. First he saw small feet covered in white tabi and high heeled sandals. Then he saw two beautifully-shaped long legs. Then a black miniskirt. A thin waist. Two delicate feminine hands. He couldn't see any more of the newcomer because it was obscured by a hentai manga that would make Jiraiya blush. The old Hokage could barely close his eyes in time to prevent fainting from hentai overload, but still his face was deep red, his heart beat so fast that he feared it was going to burst out of his chest and blood was flowing from his nose freely. He wished he could wipe the sight from his mind, but it was impossible. It was etched deeply in his mind and he wasn't going to forget it until he died. Which probably wasn't going to take very long.
"Who dares to interrupt my reading time?" a deep, sexy voice asked. The tone it currently used would suit best a dominatrix. There was rustling of paper as the woman put down her manga. Sarutobi decided that it might be safe to open his eyes now. He found himself staring face to a pretty face framed by black hair. Though usually he would appreciate the sight, the thin line her delicate pink lips were forming and the dangerous glint in her blue eyes clearly visible even through her red-rimmed rectangular glasses told him that he better shouldn't. Even his nosebleed stopped.
"Was it you, old geezer?" she asked. Her tone sent shivers down his spine. He couldn't decide whether they were pleasant or not.
"Uh..." Sarutobi couldn't find his voice.
"Kukukukuku!" Orochimaru chuckled. "That wasn't a very good jutsu, summoning something that turns on you." The black-clad woman turned her attention to him. She walked to him with a determined gait. She stood two steps from Orochimaru, studying him intently. Then, without her expression or voice changing, she said:
"What?" Orochimaru blinked in surprise. For the first time since the beginning of the battle he didn't seem sure of himself.
"You've been a bad boy," she elaborated. "You possessed somebody else's body. Naughty, naughty boy."
"Get away," Orochimaru said, a nervous tremble in his voice. Lisa ignored it.
"I like bad boys. You're coming with me," she stated. Orochimaru took a step back in shock.
"Hey, lady, you're not my type! I prefer..." he began, but she interrupted him.
"You're coming with me," she repeated sternly. Orochimaru backed again and commanded his two slaves to protect him. The two dead Hokages stood between them and the approaching madwoman. She stopped and studied them intently too. Then she pointed at the Shodai.
"You're coming with me too." Then she turned to the Nidaime. "Not sexy enough."
Sarutobi watched the proceedings with disbelief. What in the world did he just summon? It was supposed to be the Death God, not a female counterpart to Jiraiya. Where did it go wrong? Or did it? Whoever (or whatever) the woman was, she was definitely scaring Orochimaru.
Orochimaru meanwhile commanded his two puppets to attack and they obediently launched their strongest ninjutsu at her. She whipped out a sword. (Where did she keep it? Sarutobi wondered. She couldn't have possibly concealed something so big in her skimpy clothes. Or had he been so distracted that he had never noticed it?) She somehow evaded the two Hokages' attacks and sliced the First in half with her blade. He crumbled to dust, revealing the body of the Sound genin Orochimaru had used as the sacrifice for Edo Tensei. Then she turned to the Nidaime.
"That was a nice move," she said. "And on second thought, your tattoos and hair don't look too bad either. They give you a tough guy look. I'm taking you with me too." The Second tried to put up a fight, but she made a short work of him. Then she turned to Orochimaru. The Snake Sannin screamed like a girl (whose body he was occupying) and ran for dear life. Lisa gave pursuit. She was faster.
Sarutobi watched as she caught him and cut his soul out of the possessed body. Then she opened some kind of portal and disappeared in it along with her three captives. He wondered about the strange twists fate somehow took. A few minutes ago he had been willing to sacrifice himself and the souls of his predecessors to the eternal suffering in the Shinigami's stomach just so he could take Orochimaru with him. Now he stood here alive, dismissed and forgotten by whatever being he had summoned, while the Shodai, Nidaime and Orochimaru were off to spend a long sexy future with a beautiful woman. He smiled. It seemed like justice was done here. The two Hokages liked women. Orochimaru didn't.
He chuckled as he imagined what was going on in the girl's home. He should tell Jiraiya about it. And give him the manga the mysterious woman forgot here (after he had studied it thoroughly, of course. Or maybe he should only lend it). It should be enough inspiration for at least two Icha-Icha books. He couldn't wait to read them. He chuckled again. Orochimaru certainly hadn't planned that something good for Konoha might come out of his invasion.