Don't you just love humor fics starring Xanxus and Squalo? Well, I sure as hell do so I decided to write this own up. This story was spawned when I realized that my little brother looks too much like a girl for his own good. There's hints of XS in this, but not a lot.
I don't own KHR
'VOOOIII!!! Who the hell forgot to wipe their fucking feet?! There's dirt on the carpet!'
That was the first clue Xanxus got.
'…The fuck? Why's my jacket got a bunch of rips in it? This'll take forever to fix!'
That was the second.
'OK, who the fuck stole my hair conditioner?!'
And that was the last straw.
Xanxus was officially convinced that Squalo was in fact a woman. Nobody but a female could get that pissy over anything and everything. It seemed that the idiot long-haired commander was permanently PMSing with the way he was always acting.
The boss of the Varia had proof too. No self respecting man used hair conditioner - no matter how long their hair was. Also, there was that one time Xanxus saw Squalo just after he had a shower. There was a towel on his head. His head - which meant it was wrapped around his hair. If that didn't scream woman, Xanxus didn't know what did. Squalo had also another towel that covered his chest. Why would he cover up his chest if he wasn't a woman?
There was another time which aroused Xanxus' suspicions too. Lussuria was away on an assignment, so there was no one there to cook. Naturally, being the boss's reluctant bitch, Squalo was the one chosen to prepare all the meals in Lussuria's absence. And he did a pretty damn good job of it too. That alone wasn't enough to prove he was a lady, it was the fact that he cleaned up after himself. No man (excluding people like Lussuria) willingly cleaned up after they cooked. The explanation? Squalo was a woman.
He also looked great in a dress. It was an undercover mission and - unfortunately - Xanxus had to partake in. Lussuria was too gay, Bel and Mammon (as this was all back when Mammon was still alive) were too young and Levi was too…Levi. The only other option was Xanxus - since every other Varia subordinate were too incompetent to do anything. The mission? Well, he and his second in command had to go undercover to a couples ball. Naturally, there was no way that Xanxus was going to be the woman in their 'relationship', so that left Squalo. It took two hours to find his hiding spot, and another hour to wrestle him into the bright red dress that Lussuria had so lovingly picked out. It was an amusing evening. While Xanxus sat at the bar, draining all the alcohol, his 'girlfriend' was striding around the ballroom looking for their assassination target and trying to get away from the numerous men who wanted to flirt and/or grope him. In the end, the very unhappy Squalo ended up hanging off of Xanxus' arm just to get away from all the other men.
There were many things that Xanxus noticed about that evening which just fueled his suspicions that Squalo was a woman. One was that the damn shark had a amazing ass. Another was that he could walk in heels. How the hell did he walk in those four and a half inch heels? He didn't even trip up once! That spoke experience, which in turn told Xanxus that Squalo didn't have a penis. The third clue of that evening was the way Squalo looked with makeup on. Lussuria had spent the best part of half and hour plastering that crap over Squalo's face, and the results were very interesting. He pulled off a very convincing woman - which just proved that he was female. If Xanxus had stuck Levi in the dress then he sure as hell wouldn't have had half of the male population of the ball on his tail.
Xanxus shuddered. Levi in a dress…nasty…
There were numerous things that Xanxus noticed. Little things - like the fact that the shark hated people trekking in dirt. He would scream at people when they touched his sword (women are very possessive over their possessions) and he had a hairdryer. A hairdryer!! Squalo also tended to nag a lot. Much like a wife would, actually.
Did that make Squalo his wife?
He certainly acted like it. When they run out of meat or booze the unfortunate subordinates that had the horrible task of telling Xanxus would always be sent to the long-haired idiot with a message to get more. And Squalo always would - a lot like a wife would do.
If Squalo was the wife, then didn't that make Xanxus the domestically violent, good-for-nothing husband?
When the hell did they get married?
That didn't matter - Xanxus would come back to that later. Right now he was more interested in proving that his idiotic commander was a female. He couldn't very well go up and just ask him, since that would mean that Xanxus never knew what Squalo's gender was even though they had known each other for over twenty years. That only left the option of rooting through Squalo's room. Fortunately, the shark was sent away on an assignment a week ago and Xanxus had a key to his room.
He would shoot you if you asked how and why exactly he had a key to Squalo's room.
Slyly sneaking away at dinner time (more like eating his food and then telling everyone to leave him the fuck alone for the rest of the day), he made his way to the door that he recognized as the long-haired idiot's. He pushed the key in, turned it and then broke down the door when he realized that he had brought the wrong one.
Shit, Squalo was probably going to notice that.
Xanxus shrugged it off. He was the boss, he could do what he wanted.
So, leaving the horribly splintered and broken door on the floor, he made his way around the room. It was uninteresting and hardly had any personality to it - simply because Squalo couldn't be bothered putting out things that meant something to him. Well, presuming that he actually had things that meant something to him. Xanxus eyed around the room, his lips pressed into a tight line as he wondered where to start.
Squalo wasn't your average woman. He wouldn't have big fancy dresses stuck in his closet like Lussuria, and he wouldn't have a truck load of shoes and handbags spilling out of whatever available space…like Lussuria. The bastard would be discrete, and keep all of his feminine things in one place.
Xanxus turned to the modestly sized set of drawers that were pushed up against the wall in the far corner of the room. The only place a woman would hide things was in the underwear drawer.
He approached somewhat warily.
He'd been with a woman before - he had seen their underwear.
But this was Squalo!
Almost hesitantly, his hand rested on the handle, wondering if he should really do this. Chance are that if he did find a bra it wouldn't be a very appealing one. Squalo looked like the type of woman who went for comfort, and not for sexual appeal. Xanxus quickly shook away the image of Squalo in a blue lacy bra and stared back down at the set of drawers.
It would have been a perfectly natural thing if the mental image was not of Squalo as a man.
Xanxus sincerely hoped that the shark was a woman - he didn't need anymore homosexual pictures in mind, not matter how amazing they looked.
Anyway, Xanxus was looking down at the drawer thinking to himself. To pull or not to pull, that was the question. If so, then what was the answer? After a moment of thinking, Xanxus decided to hell with it. His fingers gripped around the handle and he pulled.
To see nothing but boxers.
'Fuck,' he muttered to himself.
Well, girls sometimes wore male underwear, didn't they? He moved one of them out of the way with his little finger to search for bras. Well, it wasn't entirely unheard off for women to go without bras too. Squalo must be incredibly flat chested. It was either that or he used bandages to keep himself…supported.
Xanxus reached into the drawer and picked up a pair of navy blue boxers, holding them in his hand as he moved more out of the way to search for anything else womanly.
Xanxus suddenly realized how utterly gay he looked.
He slowly turned around, one hand still in the underwear drawer and the other still holding the pair he had picked up. There, at the door, he saw the newbie, Fran.
They both stared.
Xanxus' first reaction was to throw the boxers behind his back and scream something along the lines of 'It's not what it looks like', but that would never do. If anything, it would make him seem even more suspicious than he already was. His somewhat guilty, caught-in-the-act stare turned to a scowl and he calmly walked towards the frog look-a-like.
'Tell anyone about this and die, trash,' he said simply, even though he just knew that the newbie would tell Bel.
Fran nodded. His expression stayed neutral, but Xanxus could just tell that he was shocked to see the Xanxus rummaging through Squalo's underwear drawer.
'Uh, the long-haired commander's returned from his mission,' he stated in his monotonous voice. 'He's threatening to kill Bel-sempai for putting his feet up on the table again.'
Xanxus resisted the urge to yell something about only women fuss over feet marks on the table.
Instead, he nodded and pushed the newbie out of the way. 'Get that cleaned up,' he ordered, half-gesturing towards the splintered door on the floor. Fran nodded and Xanxus left him.
He didn't notice that he was still holding Squalo's underwear until he got halfway downstairs. Shrugging, and not wanting to go back to put them away (Fran was still there and that would just ruin his image even more) he stuffed them in his pocket. He would burn them later or something.
Well, he didn't find anything in Squalo's room that confirmed his suspicions, but he didn't exactly get a chance to look properly. Maybe the shark had hidden all of his womanly things somewhere else?
The best thing to do was the ask Squalo, but his pride wouldn't allow him. No doubt that if he did ask, the idiot would launch into a huge stress and shout something about Xanxus not knowing his gender, and how could he not know and that he hates him and then he'll scream, stomp his foot on the floor and flee to his room…
Ok, maybe that was just Xanxus' imagination, but Squalo would definitely shout. Fleeing to his room…well, that probably wouldn't happen.
He strode down the stairs and marched straight up to his second in command, who was currently shouting about something or other to himself while the rest of the Varia watched in amusement.
'Everything gets fucking lost in this place?' he yelled to the air as he rummaged through the back of the sofa. Xanxus grabbed Squalo's hair, and yanked him upwards, earning himself a surprised 'VOI' from the shark.
'Turn around, trash,' he muttered.
'VOOOIIIIII, what the fuck was that for, Xanxus,' he stressed, stomping his foot. Xanxus noted that only women stomped their feet!
He said nothing and simply reached out his hands and grabbed Squalo's chest.
Everyone fell quiet - including Squalo.
Xanxus groped around, a thoughtful expression on his face. Well, the fact that Squalo had an utterly flat chest didn't mean that he was a man. It just meant that he wasn't a very developed lady. It didn't matter that the chest felt similar to a males - maybe Squalo was just a very manly woman.
Fran came into the room, presumably finished with getting the door fixed and raised a brow. Why did the newbie always witness Xanxus' gay moments?
'Did I miss anything?' he deadpanned.
Squalo finally regained his senses and glared at Xanxus. 'VOOOOII, just what the hell do you think you're doi- is that my underwear?'
Before Xanxus could react, Squalo shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out the underwear that the boss accidentally stole.
Each member of the Varia had their own reaction to the fact that Xanxus had Squalo's boxers in his pocket.
Lussuria was swooning about, clasping his hands together and cooing over the fact that Xanxus had a 'crush' on Squalo. Bel had collapsed into a fit of laughter, while Fran stood beside him with a blank expression on his face and Levi, well, he was fuming with jealousy. You could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears as he glared at Squalo.
Squalo had been shocked into silence. His face was tinted red as he stared at his blue boxers that were clutched in his hands.
'Why do you have these?' he said in a creepily quiet voice. Yes, a quiet voice. It was probably the quietest that Squalo had ever actually been.
Xanxus didn't have to explain himself to the idiot in front of him. He didn't was to say anything about his little investigation into Squalo's gender. Instead he did something that would have completely ruined his image if it wasn't already totally ruined.
Figuring that he may as well do it now, since he had already humiliated himself in front of just about everybody, the all-powerful, completely awesome, bad ass boss of the Varia grabbed his second in commands crotch.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Xanxus found out that Squalo was in fact a man.
So there we go. That's what I believe would happen if Xanxus wasn't entirely convinced of Squalo's gender.