Sitting back against the head board on my bed, I strummed my guitar lightly. Now, I'm not one to normally feel sorry for himself, but I couldn't help but feel pulled down by slight depression. Depression inflicted on the fact that I don't feel good enough. That I'm not enough. Or maybe that I'm not all that desirable.
Shaking my head, my fingers freeze against the strings. Sighing, I tilt my head back. I like Tori; I know that damn well. Everything about her is amazing. Even her flaws have a certain appeal to them. And I just can't get her out of my head. And yet, it seems like she doesn't see me in the same light.
Slowly, I start to play different cords as I continue to think.
When I first met her, I was trying to help her crazy sister learn a song. Tori understood that it was frustrating and nearly impossible to make her sound good. There was no hope that Trina would do well at the Big Showcase. The only real reason I stayed to help was to be around Tori more. I'll never know why she came to every rehearsal and stayed the whole time. Maybe she took pity on me and my sanity. Who knows. Hearing every off note (Which was literally every note) that Trina sang was worth it if it meant being near Tori. Sometimes she'd sit on the piano bench with me and just sway to the music, smiling at me. Other times she'd be rehearsing the dances with her sister. It was few and far between that she'd do it; Trina would throw a fit yelling that Tori was a distraction. She was right about it though. Each time I couldn't help but watch the beautiful girl move her hips to the music; fingers occasionally coursing through her hair. I'd all but drool watching her.
Then when the Showcase came, Trina got that damn allergic reaction, almost ruining my chances of being heard. All that hard work, wasted. Then by the grace of God, I remembered that Tori had been to every practice. She knew every word, every step to the song.
Laughing, I recall how panicked she was when mentioned that she should sing. Fingers still strumming, I continue to remember. Tori ran away so she wouldn't have to go on stage. Hell, I had to chase her. Then she grabbed that chair and I had to pull her off. Briefly, my hips were pushed into hers when I ran to grab her and pull off. That electricity I hear of ran through my body from the touch. At the time I couldn't think much of it since I had a sixteen year old girl flailing in my arms, but now in the darkness of my room I can. It was an odd sensation, but by no means unpleasant. Seems to happen every time I touch the talented girl. Like after she sang, I wasn't even thinking straight. Amazed by her raw talent, I brought her in for a hug as she jumped into my arms.
Since then I just couldn't get enough of her. After the whole Jade incident, I just couldn't let her leave. If I didn't see her everyday, I don't know what I'd do. Tori needs to be at that school, I need her at the school.
Talking to her in the hall, I know she was insecure and shy. On that stage though, she really does shine. It's like she lets everything go and loses herself in the music. It's one of the things I love most about her.
The love for her is why it hurt so much to see her and Beck kiss. It's obvious she likes him. Like it's obvious to everyone but Tori and Beck that I like her. Her kissing Beck, it was like a cut to the heart. Made me realize that I don't have a chance with her. The more I saw them together, and the more I saw Tori look at him, the more I began to question my self worth.
By now I'd stopped playing. Laying the guitar next to me, I laid on my back; arms behind my head. Starring at the ceiling, I let out another deep sigh.
I know who I am. I know that I have flaws like everyone else. But I know that I have good qualities too. Where they just not good enough that Tori didn't see me the same way? Are my flaws so bad that she doesn't want to be with me? We are friends, so she must be able to at least put up with them. With me.
Jealousy surges through me as I think of Tori and Beck in the play. Yea, it was just a play. Yea, it was all fake. But I can't help but feel irked when I think of Tori looking at him like he was her world. Which she pretty much does anyway in school. And the thought of them dancing together, that just makes my blood boil. Even from where I was, I could see how incredibly close they were. How when Beck picked her up and brought her down slowly, he had his face right in front of her breasts. Watching that just made me want to beat the shit out of my own friend. After that, for the rest of the performances I didn't watch that particular dance scene.
Letting out a frustrated moan, I put an arm over my eyes. Sure I can't see anything to begin with since my room is pitch black at the moment, but it makes me feel better.
After a few minutes of thinking, I hear my phone go off. Picking up the Pear Pod, I look at the caller ID to see a picture of Robbie.
Robbie seems rather happy at…11 at night.
"Hey Rob. What's up?"
"Dude, what's wrong?" Robbie asks worried.
So I guess I sound depressed. Great.
"Nothing. I'm good."
"I don't think you are. Come on, what's up?"
Sighing, I put my free arm over my eyes again.
"Nothing. Why'd you call."
"Doesn't matter. Tell me. I bet it's about Tori isn't it?"
Eyes growing wide, I whip my arm off my face and lean up slightly.
"What!? No! Why'd you think that?"
"Because everyone knows you like her and you've been looking at her depressingly for the past three days now."
Well that's just great. Next he'll tell me I've been sleeping in class and saying her name in my sleep.
"Dude, just tell her. I'm sure she likes you back."
"Yea, as a friend. She likes Beck. Be-ck. You see the way she looks at him. Hell, they've kissed."
"It wasn't a real kiss."
"Doesn't stop her from liking it." I mumble sadly.
"You need to man up and tell her. You're Andre Harris, the buff musician who's never scared."
Scoffing, I counter with "Yea, and she's Tori Vega. Gorgeous actor, singer, and friend who happens to be in love with my best friend. I don't stand a chance."
I cut him off.
"No Robbie. I'm not gonna lose one of my best friends because some stupid feelings. They'll go away soon."
'That's a complete lie.' My mind says.
I hear the ventriloquist sigh over the phone.
"You need to tell her. You'll feel better."
"I don't think I'll feel better when we're alone and there's an awkward silence because neither one of us know what to say to each other anymore. I'll stick with the friendship if it means I can still be around her."
"You know that would never happen."
"No, I don't." I argue back.
"Look, Robbie, let me figure this out on my own. Please man?"
Moaning into the phone, I hear Robbie give an "alright".
"Thank you. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Yea, alright. Bye."
Throwing the phone to the side, I curse as it bounces off the guitar and onto the floor.
"Shit." I mutter.
I'd forgotten that was there.
Leaving the phone on the floor, I pick up the guitar again and play a few random cords. Quietly, I begin to sing.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you and you don't know why
Growing louder, I poured my soul into the song.
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be
I said all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know,
Sighing I set the guitar down again. Laying in bed for a moment, I decide to get the phone. Going to pick up the more than likely damaged phone, I saw it was lite up. Starring at it, my eyes grow wide when I saw I had somehow managed to call no other than the girl who started the war between my head and heart.
"Fuck." I whispered.
Brining the phone to my ear I asked, "Hello?"
Cursing under my breath, I answered back.
"That song was amazing. Did you just write it?"
Blushing I said "Yea, I did."
"It was great. And so full of passion."
There was a moment of silence on both ends.
"Are you okay?"
Stuttering, I tried to come up with something.
"Yea! You know, just….writing…stuff…"
I could tell she wasn't believing that terrible lie.
"Come on Andre, something's up. Spill."
Shaking my head, I realized she couldn't see me.
"No, I'm good. Nothins' wrong."
"Bull. Unless I heard wrong, and I know I didn't, that was real passion and pain in the song. Something's hurting you Andre. I wanna help."
Sighing for the hundredth time that night, I ran my free hand through my hair.
"Look, Tori. I…."
I stopped to think of what to say.
"I can't tell you."
I cut her off. Seems I'm doing that a lot to people tonight.
"Tori. I just can't tell you. It's my problem and I have to deal with it."
"Not if it's hurting you! Andre, I want to help you." I could hear the frustration and worry in her voice.
'I can't tell her. Not now. Not on the phone.'
"Tor, I just can't. I'm sorry. Maybe one day, but not now."
After a few beats of silence, I heard her sigh.
"Alright, fine. You know I'm here for you."
"Yea, I know."
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Smiling, I say "Yea."
Setting the phone on my night stand, I lay back in bed.
"This is gonna suck." I mumble.
Rolling onto my side, I fall asleep; forgetting my problems for a few hours.
AN: This story came out of thin air. I wasn't even thinking of writing this. I was planning on writing another story, but instead I was feeling a little to mellow and thoughtful. (The other was a more humorous story) So I came up with this.