Jump City Gazette
Trouble in Titans' Tower?
Oddly, early on Sunday morning, screaming could be heard from the home of Jump City's known superheroes. No one is for sure of what caused the horror of the teens, but there are plenty of rumors floating around.
The most popular theory given by an elderly couple was "It's Wicked Scary! No one can escape the Wicked Scary!"
Though this comment was taken by some as "utterly ridiculous", it is still highly believed throughout Jump City's teenage, elderly, and toddler population.
After getting past Titans' Tower many security systems and booby traps (It's okay, Charlie. Your skin is bound to turn back to its normal color eventually.), one of the Gazette's reporters did manage to get access to the only two Titans available: Beast Boy and Raven.
"Beast Boy, do you know the cause of the screaming? Where are the other Titans? What is your favorite animal? Do you have a girlfriend? Did you use bribery to get said girlfriend? How do you feel about this interview? Do you think I'm being too personal? What is your favorite color? Why aren't you answering my questions?" our professional reporter who's identity was disclosed for security purposes.
Beast Boy overwhelmed replied with a simple, "Uh…" And that was all he had to say on that matter.
Things got juicy, however, when the interview turned to Teen Titan Raven. Juicy meaning that tomato was very juicy and a little too ripe.
"So Raven, do you know the cause of the screaming?"
"Will you share this with us?"
"What if we said please?"
"Please with sugar on top?"
"How about a cherry?"
"Why is this? Are you guilty of some deep dark secret Jump City doesn't know about?"
"This is none of your business, and if you value your life at all, you will leave."
"Yes, yes, please, tell me more about -"
Our reporter was then compromised, and no more information was given on the matter. Perhaps the world will never know if Beast Boy used bribery to get a girlfriend - oh, and what all the screaming was about.
Police Officer Disgraced
Officer Donovan of the Jump City police force was stripped of his status, his dignity, and apparently his pants on Saturday night as he was discovered duct taped to a wall with honey and feathers dripping from his uniform.
"It was that girl! That Elizabeth!" the delusional man wailed as he was placed in his personally monogrammed straight jacket.
Donovan then made a run for it to 'capture that Elizabeth' until he tripped over a curiously placed wire and fell flat on his face. When the ruined man got to his feet once again, he was missing a vital part of his attire.
"My pants!" The shriek echoed all throughout Jump City as the poor old man tried to regain the poorly patched garment.
As this was taking place, a completely unrelated event was happening. Beth, a cashier, was temporarily arrested by the Jump City Police under crimes of associating with a criminal and sarcastic remarks to officers. Beth was immediately released by Teen Titan Beast Boy with the excuse of "Beth was part of a secret mission." This excuse was believed by no one, but no one argue with a superhero.
Some question the possibility of Beth being the 'Elizabeth' that Donovan was hysterically wailing about, but this, of course, is just plain silly. The names 'Elizabeth' and 'Beth' are nothing alike after all.
A New Star
Bernie Rimes, a former police officer and citizen of Jump City, has been promoted to a new job - in Hollywood. The deputy was offered an acting career in the upcoming movie, 'Idiots Like Us'. The movie is expected to be a huge hit.
When asked about his opinion on the surprise, Bernie replied, "Dang excited, buddy!" We all believe his new job will be a great success.
We oh so intelligent and good-looking workers in the newspaper office have just received word that Robin, former sidekick to Batman and current Teen Titan, will be sent to Caramel Rehab.
No one is completely sure of why this event is taking place, so a crew of reporters went out to collect the gossip - um, I mean…cold hard facts.
An instructor of the Jump City orphanage was immediately found pushing a grocery cart full of empty cans on the street muttering, "Caramel…caramel…don't touch…caramel…"
"Please, what do you know about Robin and caramel?"
"Don't take the caramel! Don't touch it!"
"Okay…noted. But what experience do you have of this?"
"Just don't touch it! Never take the caramel!"
"Once again, noted. But -?" Our reporter did not see the very painful metal bat under all the cans.
"Don't. Touch. The. Caramel!"
The disturbed young man will be sharing a padded cell with Robin.
And our reporter should be out of the hospital soon.
Infamous Beast Boy Falls in Lake of Radioactive Crocodiles
Beast Boy, known Teen Titan, has just been reported that he had fallen into a lake of radioactive crocodiles. Why is there a pit of crocodiles in Jump City? How did these crocodiles become radioactive in the first place? No one knows.
Luckily, the teen managed to escape the deadly trap by transforming into a green bird and flying away, but it was a close call. One crocodile actually bit and tore a hole in Beast Boy's uniform right…well, this information was classified about the exact location of the hole.
Robin, leader of the Teen Titans, was coincidentally on scene and able to answer a few questions.
"Robin, did you see what happened to Beast Boy and the lake of radioactive crocodiles?"
"Would you please share this with us?"
"I see. Was this simply another ridiculous move on Beast Boy's part?"
"Y - yeah! Sure, let's go with that."
"Robin, are you aware that you dress like a traffic light?"
"Grr…this is my uniform, and it is none of your business."
"Did you know that you are considered a fashion disgrace to the superhero world?"
We are not completely sure where our reporter is at the moment, but he is sure to come back to us soon - we hope.
It has just come to the attention of the Jump City Gazette that we are desperately understaffed. It seems that many of our reporters have ended up in hospitals, disappeared for unknown reasons, and quit.
You know what? This job stinks. I quit, too. I'm out of here.