"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort tries to sell you double glazing?"
"What!?" George asked through stifled chuckles.
"Voldemort… don't you hate it when he tries to sell you double glazing?" Fred repeated, grinning at his brother happily.
"Have you finally gone barking?"
"Why yes," said Fred, "I do believe I have."
"Excellent," said George, "You've been heading that way for years. Good to see you've finally come out of the closet."
"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort comes out of the closet?"
"For Merlin's sake Fred!" said George, "What is all this about."
"Just trying to brighten the situation," said Fred, "Make light of our most unfortunate position."
"Our unfortunate position being this room?" said George, gazing around the pink office in which the twins were sitting. George had to admit that it was one of the least pleasant places he had ever been. Including Percy's office at the Ministry. When there was Dragon Dung in the in-tray, which was, in his opinion, a stroke of genius.
"Affirmative," replied Fred, beaming at his twin.
"I do," said George.
"You do what?"
"Hate it when Voldemort tries to sell me double glazing," George replied, "It really is awfully rude of him to do that. Its almost insulting-"
"-he should take one look at our house and realise we'd never be able to afford it," said Fred, "We can barely afford the ordinary windows."
They sat in silence for a few more moments, staring at the tiny woman sitting in the desk opposite their chairs. Her pursed lips were opening and closing slowly like a guppy fish, as though about to comment on the twin's most unusual remarks, but then thinking better of it. She chose a particularly large pink sugar lump, and popped it into her china teacup, creating a satisfactory plop. She then picked up a hideously dainty teaspoon, incrusted with cats, and begun to stir her tea slowly at deliberatively. He piggy eyes were upon the two red heads.
"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort uses your shower gel without asking?" said George in a drawling, drawn out tone.
"There we go!" said Fred excitedly, "Now you're getting into the spirit of it."
"Well, if can't beat them. Join them," said George.
"And we all know that you could never beat me," said Fred.
"Really? Because I was under the impression that I beat you in a duel in third year."
"In third year-"
"In third year," confirmed George, "And we haven't duelled since, because you're scared you'll loose."
"Am not," said Fred, "You're only worried that I'll prove your theory to be incorrect. You could never beat me in a duel."
"No, not really," said Fred matter-of-factly, "Don't you remember last time we made a bet and-"
"-ended up resorting to black-mail?" George finished, "Yes I vaguely recall said occurrence. That didn't happen to be the same year that-"
"-we went to the World Cup, entered the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry won the tournament, Cedric died, Voldemort returned-"
"-all in all, a pretty standard year, right?" George added, making a covert glance in the direction of the toad like woman behind the pink desk. Her teacup was now half full- or as she would probably say, half empty. They were surprised that she hadn't yet commented on their claim that Voldemort had returned from the dead, perhaps she though they were beyond hope. He somehow didn't think she was the sort of woman to give up on hopeless cases.
"Right," said Fred, "Now about Voldemort returning from the dead-"
"-heh-hem," a squeaky cough interrupted their ridiculous exchange.
"Oh," said George, "Sorry Professor, I didn't think you wanted to input into our conversation-"
"Of course," Fred continued, "We wouldn't expect you to, seeing as this is you office and all."
"I merely want to point out, boys," she said in a belittling manner, "That you are here to serve a detention."
"Oh, we know," said George, standing up and beginning to pace the circular room.
"We though it was okay to talk in detention," said Fred, also standing to join his brother.
"Only if it wasn't," said George, continuing to pace, "We would expect you to put a sticking charm on our mouths-"
"Because that's what we thought you did with your problems," Fred finished, pacing to the other side of her desk, "Lock them up and pretend they don't exist."
"Now really," said their tiny, pink Professor, "I must insist that you boys behave yourselves. I wouldn't want to put you in another detention now, would I?"
"I'm sure you would actually," said Fred.
"I would have thought it was on the top of things you would want to do," said George.
"Actually, Forge," said Fred, "Second on the list-"
"Right you are Gred, second on the list after pretending that Voldemort is still dead-"
"Make that third, Forge," said Fred, "You're forgetting sucking up to the minister… oh, and mouthing off half-breeds-"
"Ah, thank you again, Gred," said George, beaming at his brother across the desk at his brother, "I don't know where I'd be without you."
"Not very far," said Fred, "Stuck your entire life being 'and George'."
"Better that 'Fred and'," said George. The foul woman sat down once more behind her desk and removed a lilac biscuit tin from the drawer. She removed the lid carefully and placed it aside, before choosing an exceptionally pink biscuit, and pushing it uninvitingly into her wrinkled lips. Fred and George grimaced simultaneously.
"May I interest either of you in a biscuit?" she asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.
"Why yes you may," said Fred.
"Or not," said George, "Only I have reason to believe that said biscuits may contain a certain potion by the name of-"
"-Veritaserum!" Fred said suddenly.
Their Professor tittered uneasily, "Why! Whatever has come over the two of you? How dare you suggest that-"
"Quite easily actually," said George.
"Pardon?" she said sweetly.
"We can dare to suggest that quite easily," said Fred, "You're just the sort to trick unwitting victims into spilling their secrets-"
"-but we're smarter than you are see," said George, "We've been wandering the room for a while now-"
"-and yet you haven't protested," said Fred.
"-all because you're far too interested in what we have too say," said George.
"-too interested, infact, to notice that we had reclaimed our wands," said Fred.
"-at the same time as removing yours from your possession," said George, as Umbridge gazed wide eyed at the twins, as George twirled her stubby wand in his long-fingered hand.
"Why! I never- how dare you- I… detention!" Umbridge stammered.
"Only that won't work, will it?" said George.
"You should have learnt by now, Delores, that two seventeen year olds are infact far more intelligent than a toad faced old woman," said Fred.
"Stupefy!" said together, pointing their three wands at Professor Umbridge before she could so much as blink.
"Good evening to you Delores," said George.
"We would say we'll visit again soon," said Fred, "But I think we both know that would be a lie."
"We're not so different, you and we," said George, "And we both know what we like, and what we do not."
"And we," said Fred, "do not like to spend more than the necessary amount of time with you."
And with that, they turned to leave, wands in hands. George cast Umbridge's unusually short wand aside onto a pink pillow lying on her lilac sofa.
"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort comes to sit a detention, but ends up stealing your wand and stunning you with it?" said Fred.
"I do," said George, as he closed the pink door to their Defence Professor's office, "I really do."
This random idea came into my head after a conversation me and my friend had today!! I may do several others, using different characters... tell me what you think of the 'Voldemort' jokes.... if they're not funny, idk, i find them HILARIOUS!!!
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