I should've hugged you one last time.
I should've said I love you. OUT LOUD.
I should've told you how proud I was of you.
How proud I AM of you, and always was and always will be.
I should've let you drive the car more often. Every once in a while. When it wasn't raining.
I should've not been so hard on you. So often.
I should've listened to you with my instincts instead of my fear after I came back from hell.
Maybe we could've listened to your music once in awhile. One song. Every couple of months.
I hope you know that if Dad hadn't been there, I would've pulled you out of your crib myself.
I hope you know that I don't regret going to hell to save you.
I hope you know that you will always be the most amazing person in my life.
And the most annoying, smart-ass, dumb-ass, pain-in-the-ass I ever knew.
I hope you know how hard I always tried to deserve how much you looked up to me.
Or maybe I hope you didn't know that.
I hope you know how much you meant to me.
I should've told you more often.
I'm glad we celebrated Christmas before I went to hell.
I wish we'd celebrated this last Christmas.
I wish we'd found some other way to save the world.
I wish I could hear you call me jerk one last time.
I wish you were three years old and I could give you a bath and put you into your pajamas and tuck you in and read you a story and kiss you goodnight and sit next to you until you fell asleep.
Sammy, I wish you were HERE.
Three fat teardrops hit the page, SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT, smearing the ink and puckering the paper. Damn it, that was gonna be a dead giveaway. With short, jerky, desperate movements, the journal got shoved back in the duffel and the duffel got shoved back between the bed and the bedside table.
Just in time too, as the door opened and Dean came into the motel room.
"Look who's awake." He said, grinning. He was always grinning these days. Sam couldn't get enough of it. "Ready to get some dinner?"
"Definitely." Sam answered, grinning himself. He grabbed his jacket and walked to the door. As they came even, Dean pulled him into an impulsive and heartfelt hug. He was always doing that these days.
Sam couldn't get enough.