Chapter one: You can't be captain and sober at the same time.

"Edmond! Edmond Dantés!" cried the fellow sailor, Danglars. The strict first mate glanced around the deck of the Pharaon trying to find the dark haired second mate. Soon he recognized a curly head, passed out over the rail of the ship. He sighed to himself and scowled at the lazy young sailor, before making his way to the drunken figure.

"DANTÉS!" cried Danglars.

"GAH! WHAT! WHO! ELTON JOHN!" panicked Edmond grasping the rail for his life.

Danglars furrowed his brow in a disapproving fashion.

"Were you drinking on board again, Dantés?"

" *HICCUP* what?" squeaked the cross eyed Dantés, 100% convinced he was talking to Mickey mouse.

"WERE YOU DRINKING ON THE JOB!" shouted Danglars.

" … nonsense, I'm a professional, now go back to Disney world, you!" he hiccupped in response.

Danglars let a heavy sigh escape his breathe as he cursed at the young sailor.

"Alright, well sober or not, you're on night shift in the crows nest." said Danglars, quite happy that he was letting Dantés climb to a great height while drunk.

"Whatever you say, but once I turn my back- don't you dare take the steering wheel. Mice aren't qualified to steer or whistle." said Edmond, beginning to turn around until tripping over his own shoe and flopping to the ground with a thud.

Danglars sighed yet again, and let go of his chance to enjoy watching the drunken young man climb up to the crow's nest. He had a better chance to enjoy Edmond's misfortune. 'Dantés could be fired for drinking on the job!' He thought to himself, so with that he dragged the passed out body to the captain's door. He knocked politely and whistled waiting for his captain to answer the door. When Captain Leclére opened the door he stared at the two men outside. Danglars smiled happily.

"What do you want?" asked the captain, barely able to stand. He swayed left an right as the ship did upon the sea.

"Dantés has been drinking while on duty!" said Danglars, the happy tattle tale.

"So have I, Mickey. Now is that all?" asked the captain hiccupping as he blinked with a silly grin on his face awaiting some excuse to why he was interrupted from his drinking.

"But sir, you made the rule that no one should drink while on duty, and you're the captain!"

"Now listen Mr. Mouse, you can't be captain and sober at the same time. Now shoo! I'm sure Walt must have need of you by now." he said.

"GAH!" cried the utterly defeated first mate, as he waltzed away from Dantés to his quarters.

"AH!" awoke Dantés. He stared up at Captain Leclére who had another whiskey bottle raised to his lips.

Bored, Edmond got up and heaved himself over a barrel to vomit.

The captain soon did the same next to Dantés as they laughed giddily over nothing but their drunken state.

"Wanna know the best thing to do while drunk?" said Edmond.

"What?" replied the Captain.

"Well, first you must agree that if your wounded in the course of it you can't blame me-"

"What is it, Dantés?" asked the captain intrigued.

"ONE!" cried Dantés.

"TWO!" cried the captain.

The two stood on top of a sail, a great height above the deck, armed with pickles.

"Hmm, maybe this wasn't a good idea," pondered the captain for a brief moment, "Edmond! I think we should-"

"THREE! ENGARDE!" cried Edmond striking his captain with the sour green weapon. The captain lost his balance and yiped as he fell to the deck.

Meanwhile~~~ Danglars tapped his thumbs along the side of the barrel as he considered growing a beard. THUMP. Danglars perked his head up and got to his feet as he curiously questioned if the noise was caused by a fat bird that hit the boat or if they ran over free willy.

"HA! I win! I am-…DRUMROLL!" cried Edmond, tapping his hands upon his captain's skull for a moment. "The ultimate pickle wars champion!" cried Dantés triumphantly. He threw his arms up in the air and munched on his pickle for a moment, proud of himself. Then grief struck him immediately. …

"Captain?" whimpered the second mate. He gasped and checked his captains pulse.

Edmond worried there, pacing in the silence of the night. Leclére was dead….

"Dantés! Is that you making a commotion on the deck!" cried Danglars suddenly, a muffled voice from behind the crew's cabin door.

Edmond gasped.

"Dantés! Is that you making a commotion on the deck!" cried the first mate, walking toward the door. Upon opening the cabin door, he found his dearest captain standing in an awkward fashion in the midst of the deck. Wearing two eye patches? And his lucky bandanna around his mouth?

"Uh, Captain?" wondered Danglars aloud, "What are you doing?"

"… nothing…what are YOU doing!" questioned Leclére. With an unusually scratchy voice.

"Is there something behind your back sir?" questioned the first mate.

"No! Now go flirt with a seagull or something I'm busy!"

Edmond flailed the captains arms in some attempt to give the body movement, as he held him in place using him sort of as a puppet.

"…Uh, are you sick sir?" said Danglars, "You seem pale."

"ME SICK! Captains don't get sick, they get drunk, silly. Now SHOO!" said Edmond trying to imitate the diseased captain's voice, though it came out as though he had a cold or something.

"But sir I-"

"SHOOOOOOOO!" wailed the scratchy and rusted voice of Edmond, flailing the limbs of the corpse in a wiggly motion.

Not about to question his orders Danglars went back into the cabin, to search for a seagull.

The next morning Danglars went to the captain's quarters to alert him that they were running dangerously low on parrot wax when he saw that Dantés was already at his side.

"What are you doing here?" asked Danglars.

"Uh… captain died. He's completely dead. Couldn't be deader."

"… What? But- but-"

"Shhh- shh… it's better to have a moment of silence." said Dantés pushing Danglars to nudge him towards the door.

"NOW JUST YOU WAIT!" cried Danglars. "You were with him last night! Were you not?"

"Pft- no I wasn't."

"Then where were you?"



"… I was teaching dolphins how to properly drink whiskey."

"…Alright, then tell me what happened to the captain," said Danglars doubtingly.

"He died of uh…. Um… brain fever. Yeah, yeah…. Brain fever. His last request for me to be captain and for you to give me money."


"ARE YOU ABOUT TO DENY A DEAD MAN'S LAST WISH!" cried Edmond accusingly.

"Well no but I-"


"But he-"


"FINE! Fine!" cried Danglars taking out some gold coins.

"The captain would've been proud." sniffed Edmond. Taking the coins and then taking the wheel.

"Now, onward! I want to get to the flying Dutchman before Jack Sparrow!"

Author's Note: Goodie, now that the ol' coots kicked the bucket, Edmond's in charge: You know what that means! SEQUEL! and a danglars seagul love affair...perhaps...