Disclaimer: I do own Criminal Minds.
Chapter Seven – Wherever I Am
I woke at around 4am to you quietly gathering your clothes that had been strewn across the room just a few hours before. I didn't say anything, just watched you, and smiled to myself as the memories of the night came flooding back. Finally, I was going to be able to call you mine.
I laughed quietly as I watched you redress yourself; leaving off your bra which you seemed unable to locate. I was going to say something to you, let you know that I was awake, but then I noticed the look on your face as you turned slightly towards the light. Everything seemed to fall into place then - I hate knowing you that well.
I remained silent as you finished dressing and gathered the rest of your belongings. I watched through slightly open eyes as you headed for the door and hesitated slightly with your back to me; seemingly wanting to say something, as if you knew I was awake - as if you were aware that I'd just seen the look on your face, and knew what it meant. And I watched as you thought better of it, and left my apartment without so much as a goodbye.
After I heard the faint sound of your car door closing, I got up from the sofa, walked towards the window, and pulled the curtain back slightly. I could see you sat in your car; your hands on the wheel, staring straight ahead but not moving. I wanted to go out to you but something stopped me. I watched you for a moment longer then returned to the sofa.
I sat lost in the silence for a few minutes until I heard your engine start. At that moment half of my body seemed to pull towards you, wanting to stop you from leaving, but the other didn't stir, didn't even respond - the half that had seen the look on your face for what it really was; regret, guilt, finality.
Slowly, as the rest of my body caught up with the other half, I began to piece everything together. It all became so clear; excruciatingly clear.
You were never going to leave him. You were never going to give up your fairytale, no matter how much you wanted to. You just didn't have it in you to destroy him that way, to destroy your family's hopes and dreams. You were right, this really had gone too far, but I became aware then that it wasn't me you were going to choose when this game was over.
You haven't been at work in the three days since that night. I don't know why - personal time is what I was told, but not by you. I've heard nothing from you. It's been hell arguing with myself, stopping myself from calling you. Though, I think a part of me is glad that you haven't been in touch, and even more glad that I haven't given in to myself. It makes what I have to do so much easier.
I meant it when I said that I wanted nothing to taint the memory of that night - of that night until I watched you leave, I should say. I never want anything to ruin that, because that is the memory I want to forever hold foremost of us; not this, not this mess of chaos and destruction that we became.
The look I saw on your face as I watched you leave that night told me that nothing good was going to happen any time we met after and I could no longer play ignorance to that. I couldn't face you; face hearing that it's over; that you're going to give it a chance with Will. And more than that, I couldn't face you telling me that you still loved me despite that; that it 'wasn't about that'; that you just didn't have a choice.
But you did have a choice. Just as I did; just as I do now.
And that is why, as you read this, I'm on a plane somewhere over the US; my transfer set in stone.
I'm not going to stop you anymore, Jennifer. I won't be the reason that you're constantly at war with yourself. It isn't healthy, for either of us.
I know that once you're done reading this, you'll allow yourself a few minutes before composing yourself, putting on that smile that over time has become your safety, and heading out to face the world. You'll store this memory along with the others in the box marked 'us', and leave it there until one day it's too full to keep closed. But I can't be there to help you with that anymore.
Until you can completely admit to yourself what you feel, until you can figure out what it is that you want, you'll never be able to admit it to me, or anyone else. And until that day comes, I can't be there to help you fight off your demons. Though, I think if we're both honest, that day is never going to come.
But when you get home tonight, and Will greets you at the door with a kiss and asks you how your day was; as you sit there acting out another person's fantasy; as you struggle to keep the lid on that box - I want you remember a few things:
You're the girl who stands out in every room she enters.
You're the girl who manages to keep faith in humanity; never letting the horrors we see daily, the awful things that people do to each other, destroy that when it so easily could.
You're the girl who takes on a million times more than she can handle, just to help others.
You're the girl who naturally radiates kindness, a genuine warmth, to everyone you meet.
You're the girl who cares so deeply about other people that you'll live a lie to suit them.
You're the girl who manages to make my head spin just by saying my name.
You're the girl I'm in love with.
Wherever I am.