Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels

A crack!fic one-shot done for Katiekarousel on deviantArt, as a prize for a YuGiOh: Abridged Fans contest she won. She likes Bakura and Marik best, and asked for a one-shot. She mentioned she likes crack!fics a lot, so I decided to give crack a try. As most of you know, humor and crack is not something I usually go for, so this was an experiment.

Takes place during episode 45 of YuGiOh: The Abridged Series, right after Marik's line, "Hey, Bakuuuraaaa...guess WHO!"

Italics indicate emphasis or thoughts/mind-talk.


"This had bloody well better be good," growled Bakura, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He glowered at the blank-eyed girl in front of him, recognizing her as one of the Pharaoh's obnoxious friends. "When the hell did you decide to become a girl?"

"Geez! SOMEONE'S not a morning person," the girl sniffed, crossing her arms in irritation, and any normal human being would have suffered a panic attack upon hearing her voice – for it was decidedly male. A tad high, with an effeminate lilt, but male nonetheless.

"Whatever gave you THAT idea?" sneered the white-haired Brit as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Here I am, dreaming about Zorc & Pals' wild success, and you go and ruin it by shoving a pair of boobs in my face. Did you think doing that would put me in a better mood? Because it won't."

"Oh SHUT UP, Florence," the male-voiced girl snapped. "I've lost control of my own body, okay?! Her middle name is Steve, and she's not too bright anyway. It wasn't all that hard, you know. I HAVE done it before."

"That's what she said," Bakura muttered. God, he hated that name.


"Nothing." He paused, regarding the girl – Téa, he believed her name was – for a moment. Then he smirked. "So let me see if I've got this right, Marik. Your evil alter ego has kicked you out of your own body, so you've taken over one of the Pharaoh's friends and now you're begging me to help you get it back."

"…Yes," Marik-Téa admitted reluctantly.

"And you just happened to choose the girl in his little posse."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE GIRL ALREADY!" Téa's face looked slightly pink.

Bakura merely snickered, eliciting a growl in response. "Well, answer me this, then. Why should I help you? Seems to me, this alter ego of yours wants to destroy the world just as much as I do."

Marik-Téa snorted. "Oh come on, you know you want to take ALL the credit for that if it actually happens."

"True," the spirit mused. "Still, he might prove a worthier aid than you."

"He'll make you hug him." The disdain in his-her voice was apparent.

"He'll WHAT?" Horror stole across the white-haired spirit's features.

"Yes, it's something you'd like, isn't it?" Bakura shuddered, causing Marik-Téa to snicker. "He's got something up his sleeve that even I don't like," the blank-faced she-male continued. "He keeps muttering something about a friggin' 'fourth wall'. There are 200 WALLS ON THIS FRIGGIN' SHIP, BAKURA. 200! I counted!"

"…You…counted the walls of the ship."

"Yes! I did! And none of them are destroyed, so I don't know why a fourth wall is so friggin' important!" Frustration showed on the otherwise blank features.

"…Oh, nevermind," the Brit sighed. "But you still haven't convinced me to help you. What's in it for me? And are you really going to get comfortable in that ridiculous package of estrogen?"

"…Actually, I was hoping I could share some space with you," muttered the clearly uncomfortable spirit. "Having boobs is more of a hassle than you think."

Bakura burst out laughing. "Oh like bloody hell you could," he snickered. "I already have one sissy gay brat in my head; I don't need TWO."

"I am NOT sissy!" protested the male-voiced girl. Bakura merely smirked. "I'm not gay, either!"

"Yeah, all right, then."

"Hmph," Marik-Téa glowered. "If you let me into your head, I can help you fight him. And…and you can still have my Rod."

"Which rod?" Bakura deadpanned, raising a not-quite-unappreciative eyebrow.

"I only have one Millennium Rod, Bakura! What did you think I meant?"

"Well, let's see, you're talking about coming inside of me and offering me a Rod…"

"Yes! Unless you don't WANT my Rod…but I think Ishizu lost her friggin' Necklace…"

Bakura stared at him for a moment. Then he sighed. "…Yes, Marik. I want your Rod."

"Oh, goodie! So it's a deal?"

The white-haired spirit nodded. "But if you make me regret this, Marik, I will make SURE to kill you slowly. Not that you'll be around if he gets his way," he added. "If he succeeds, our world won't just be destroyed. It'll be canceled."


Bakura was beginning to think that the blank-eyed look wasn't just the result of the girl's mind being controlled. "Never mind," he sighed. "Now come…er, well…ugh, just get inside me so we can get this over with."

The girl slumped, and Bakura heard a quiet snore. Then, he felt a presence inside his head – different than the limey brat who was still slumbering at the back of his mind.

Hey, Bakura! Say hello to your new roommate!

God, I feel bloody violated, the evil Brit grumbled, rising. Let's find your alter ego, shall we?

He was halfway down the hall, when…


What the BLOODY HELL is the matter NOW? he growled, wincing. Marik was even louder when he was inside his head.

I was NOT offering you THAT ROD, Bakura! the blond Egyptian shrieked. I'M NOT GAY!

You keep telling yourself that, honey.

I'm not used to writing humor, so hopefully that was entertaining. And hopefully, I achieved my goal of keeping the YGOTAS flavor without ripping off LK's lines. It certainly was fun to write!

Thanks for reading :)