Note: This is just a little something I whipped up after seeing "Quagmire's Dad". Brian's always been one of my favorite characters and after he was attacked unjustly, I figured that it was time for a little payback.

I don't own Family Guy, Fox and Seth Woodbury MacFarlane do

As Stewie Griffin walked along the upper hallway of the Quahog home, he hummed to himself in his innocent child-like way, pushing his grocery cart for his weekly trip to buy imaginary groceries.

"Let's see, gonna buy some oranges... some mangos... some apples for my sexy parties, oooh hoo hoo! Some new underwear-"

Suddenly, his ears caught the sound of someone in the bathroom and it sounded like a mix of sobbing and throwing up. Opening the door, he gasped as he saw his canine friend, Brian, clutching the toilet, tears and vomit spread all over his face. It looked like the dog had just been beaten up.

"Brian! My god, what happened?"

Brian's cheeks bulged widely for a second before he opened his mouth and let out another torrent of blood and puke before he whined and turned to Stewie with a pained look in his eyes. He tried to speak, but his words sounded choked up and sorrowful.

"Quagmire... he... he beat me nearly to death... he said if I come near his house he's gonna kill me... all for sleeping with his dad... I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HIS FATHER!"

The small snap in Stewie's head was almost audible as he walked over to Brian and comforted him, hugging him and cooing into his ear as he cried

"It's ok, it's ok. Stewie's here..."

As much as Stewie loved to beat on Brian, to see him beat so severely for something he had no knowledge of just was unacceptable even for him...

"Brian... just rest here for a little bit. There's something I've gotta do..."

With that Stewie left the room and went into his own, opening up his private weapons chamber and looking into it. He'd had enough of Glenn Quagmire's anger and considering the kind of man Quagmire was, he had no right to be picking on his friend. It was time for Quagmire to make amends and Stewie was gonna make sure Quagmire not only liked Brian... but FEARED him...

10 minutes later...

Quagmire was still in his shower, trying to wash Brian's blood off his hands. He had never felt such anger, such hate... inwardly he knew he'd never KILL Brian if he came near his house, having just said that in his rage, but it felt good to get a little vengence on the canine. It was then that a knock at the door rang out and Quagmire had a feeling he knew who was there... and it made him pissed...

"If it's that fucking Brian, I'll wring his little neck!", he growled as he wrapped a towel around his waist and went to open the door, flinging it inwards and screaming "WHAT?"

...then all went black.

As Quagmire's conciousness finally returned, he felt a throbbing dripping feeling on his skull... and the sound of hard metal smacking against a palm... and looking up, he found himself staring at the enraged visage of Stewart Gilligan Griffin

"S-S-S-Stewie?", he gasped

Stewie didn't respond, but merely used the metal pipe he'd whacked Quagmire with to smack him in the jaw again, knocking out a tooth, before he finally spoke.

"So... you like to beat on helpless innocent dogs, do you?"

"Brian? Brian's not inno-"

A sharp whack to his ribs cut Quagmire off as Stewie leaned down, leering into his face

"You, Glenn, are the worst type of person on this planet... You are nothing but a hypocrite... You accuse Brian of lusting after Lois, but you fucking got caught spying on her in the can... you tried to hook up with her after Peter lost his memory, you used my pacifier as a sex toy, you're a convicted sex offender, pedophile, AND necrophiliac... and you accuse Brian of being a tool... but look at you! Brian at least TRIES to better himself with college and careers, but you... we RARELY see you working and I wouldn't be surprised if you just got into the pilot business just so you could fuck every stewardess into the mile-high club! So what if Brian craps on the fat guy's lawn, HE'S A FUCKING DOG! DOGS DO THAT YOU IMBECILE! You've fuckin' hit on Meg, Connie... you destroyed Cleveland's marriage and fucked Loretta's corpse... you treat women as if they're nothing more than objects... you act like you're some well-read snob, but in reality the closest thing to a novel you've probably ever read is the Private Parts book! But you know what... I could possibly, POSSIBLY forgive you for all this... but for one small fact. You're a shithead... a hypocritical, perverted, sexist, violent little shithead!"

"But... but Stewie... how can yo-"

"How can I stand up for Brian knowing all I've done to him... he barfed so much when he realized what he did he almost became anemic! He had no fucking clue who Ida was, same as she likely had no idea who BRIAN was! He's been sobbing and retching since you beat the crap out of him, which by the way I've told Lois AND the fat man about and they're considering pressing charges of assault against you... unless you do two things..."

"What? What do they want?"

"They want you to apologize to Brian and treat him like you do Peter and Joe..."

"A-a-and... what else..."

Stewie merely smiled before he raised the pipe up again...

"Beg... beg for your life..."

For a half-hour afterwards, all that could be heard from the house of Glenn Quagmire was the sound of Stewie Griffin beating him within an inch of his life.

For an hour, Brian had laid with his head on the coldness of the toilet seat, a few choked sobs escaping from his throat. Lois and Peter had come in and tried comforting him after Stewie had told them about what happened, Lois even mentioning going to an attorney to press charges, but a wave of nausea and pain had overcome him and he'd thrown up all over Lois's shirt. He felt awful and scared even after Lois had rubbed his head, telling him everything would be ok. But a loud knock at the door broke him from his thoughts and, with all the strength he could muster, he staggered downstairs knowing Lois and Peter were out getting him some medical supplies and Meg and Chris were still at school and opened the door. But who he saw standing there shocked him...


Quagmire looked like he'd just been put through a meat grinder. His eyes were blackened to the point of nearly being swollen shut, his nose was bleeding and broken, it was clear that a few teeth were gone, his clothes were torn and tatters, his arms were covered in cuts, his leg was broken, resulting in him barely being able to stand, even his HAIR was speckled now with blood.

"Brian...", Quagmire gasped out in pain, "Brian I'm sorry... I'm sorry I yelled at you at the restaurant... I'm sorry I've acted like an asshole... I'm sorry I beat you up... Please... please forgive me..."

"You expect me to forgive you? After what yo-"

It was then that Brian happened to glance to Glenn's side and he saw Stewie there, calmly patting the now blood-splattered pipe across his palm.

"Quagmire, he didn't..."

Quagmire nodded and coughed out a tooth and a few specks of blood before he spoke. "He said if I ever try anything like that again, he'll turn me from Glenn to Glenda... if you don't forgive me... I think he's gonna kill me..."

The dog sighed and rubbed a paw on his head, trying to collect all the information he'd just gotten.

"Alright, alright... You're forgiven..."

Quagmire gave a weak smile and extended his hand out to Brian. "Friends?"

He smiled and shook his hand. "Friends..."

Feeling his strength fading from the beating, Brian turned and went upstairs to Lois and Peter's room to rest, leaving Stewie and Quagmire alone on the lawn.

"Alright... you may go...", The baby said coldly, motioning for Quagmire to head back into his house, "But you EVER lay a hand on Brian again...I'll give you a personal demonstration what it's like to have your penis turned inside out... clear?"

"C-crystal...", Quagmire stammered as he crawled away to his house, leaving Stewie there to chuckle for a moment before heading back inside.

Back in Lois and Peter's room, Brian laid out on top of the bed, trying to get back some of his energy from all that had happened to him in the course of a few hours when he saw Stewie walk in.

"So Bri... how you feelin'?", Stewie asked him as he climbed up onto the bed.

"Stewie... why'd you do this for me?", Brian asked as he got himself into a sitting position with difficulty

"Brian, only one person is allowed to beat on you... and that's me. Not Quagmire, not Chris, not anyone else but me! You're my friend and that's what friends do for the ones they love."

Brian whimpered and hugged Stewie tightly, sobbing as the 1-year-old held him tightly, patting his back and cooing to him.

"There there... Stewie's here... and everything's gonna be all better..."

But what Brian couldn't see... was a cold, calm smile on Stewie Griffin's face. He knew no one else would believe that Quagmire got beat up by a baby and even so, he'd "coaxed" him into saying he fell down a flight of stairs... and if somehow he DID try to tell anyone else...

Well, let's just say he'd gotten very good at digging holes.