The Re-write of the first three chapters of my very first HP story, the Sharpest Lives. Enjoy.
The Sharpest Lives
The portrait of the fat lady opened revealing the Gryffindor common room packed tight with happy, laughing students reveling in the excitement of their victory in the first Quidditch game of the year. The boy stumbled through the portrait hole, his already unruly black hair messier than ever before, his robes were ripped barely concealing his small trembling form, and large frightened green eyes peered out from behind cracked glasses. He had barely taken a step into the room before he collapsed under some unknown pressure and fell to his knees.
Every eye in the room had turned to see who was entering when the portrait hole opened; all the students fell into shocked silence as they watched the boy trembling on the floor. Finally someone spoke up, "Harry?" Hermione Granger said in a low frightened voice, "What happened, Harry, tell me."
Harry Potter looked up into the concerned face of the girl, who was one of his closest friends, his other best friend Ronald Weasley also stepped forward to see what happened to the Boy-Who-Lived. Two large tears rolled down Harry's cheeks, his mouth opened and closed as he tried to force out the words he wished to say, but he couldn't speak. He felt so exposed under the scrutinizing stares off all his housemates.
"Please, Harry, tell me what happened." Hermione said gently. Ron knelt beside him and placed a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder.
Then suddenly Harry didn't care that so many people were watching him anymore. "He-," Harry tried to forced himself to say before a choked sob wracked it's way trough his broken body. "He raped me."
One week later…
Harry entered the Great Hall for breakfast and was immediately greeted by whispers and stares. Word of Harry Potter's broken confession had gotten around faster than one could have thought. Soon the whole school knew of what happened to the poor Gryffindor, the knowledge of which was greeted with a mix of pity and disgust as well as many people making guesses in just who the "He" was in the announcement. Seeing as how after the incident in the common room Harry was immediately rushed to the Hospital Wing without having given the much yearned for details and not seen again, no one knew exactly what had happened.
Harry tried to ignore the looks as he made his way over to his seat at the Gryffindor table, he really didn't want to be there. He wanted to go back up to his room and stay in bed away from everyone for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the month, the year, he wanted to stay away from people for the rest of eternity. He couldn't handle their stares; it seemed they were judging him. They were all judging him. He was a dirty disgusting boy and they all hated him. He knew they did, because he hated himself.
He hadn't even made it to his seat yet when he realized he wasn't ready to be around so many people, he would never be ready. Not as long as they all stared at him like this. But as he turned to make a quick exit from the Great Hall he slammed into someone standing right behind him and subsequently falling right on his butt. "What's the matter mate?" Ron asked his friend. "You OK?" he reached out a hand to help Harry to his feet but the Potter shrank away from it in fear. "Harry?"
"Sorry," Harry said slowly, realizing how he was acting, this was Ron there was no reason for him to be afraid. "I'm OK." He climbed to his feet; still refusing Ron's help "Let's eat," Harry said heading back towards the Gryffindor table.
The moment he took his place at the table Harry knew this was a mistake. Ron slid into the seat next to Harry, Dean Thomas took the seat on the other side of him, Hermione set across from him with Neville Longbottom at her side, and Seamus Finnegan next to him. The group immediately entered into a conversation about something that Harry wasn't paying attention to; he was too busy trying to calm down his raging emotions. Harry was scared out of his mind. Everyone was too close and too loud. He couldn't breathe or think straight; it felt as though any second now something horrible was going to happen.
"Harry are you alright?" Hermione asked. "You've barely touched you food." Harry heard her words as though through a tunnel; his body had activated its fight or flight instinct and he wanted nothing more to get up and bolt of the room.
"Harry?" Hermione said again placing a hand gently on top of his.
Harry yanked his hand away as though it had been burned and yelled "Don't touch me" at the top of his lungs causing the entirety of the Great Hall turn to stare at him again.
"Harry?" Hermione said, a bit of hurt in her voice.
"I'm sorry, I- uh, I got to go." Not waiting for a reply he jumped out of his seat and made a dash for the exit. This time he had just made it to the door of the Great Hall when he crashed into somebody.
"Hey watch where you're going!" a cruel voice declared. Harry's eye's widened at the sight of Draco Malfoy and he immediately shrank away from the other boy, fear evident in his every movement. "What's the matter with you Potter?" Malfoy asked. "You look as if you're peering death in the face."
Harry said nothing, but retreated farther away from the Slytherin boy that had been his enemy since his first arrival at Hogwarts School nearly six years ago. All the eyes in the Great Hall had turned to watch them.
"Potter?" Draco demanded, his voice snapping Harry out of his moment of fright. Harry dodged around the boy and ran from the Hall as fast as he could not giving thought to the storm of whispers that followed his exit.
"Mister Potter, the Headmaster would like to see you in his office," Professor McGonagall said at the beginning of Harry's Transfiguration class later that day. "Now if you please, I'm sure Miss Granger will fill you in on what you missed during today's lesson."
Harry nodded silently, gathered his things, and headed out of the class, just as he left he heard McGonagall saying, "Mister Weasley that wouldn't happen to be a Sugar Quill would it?" The door swung closed behind Harry and he made his way down the hall.
"Sugar Quill," Harry said once he reached the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to the Headmaster's office, the stone guardian immediately jumped out of the way the staircase leading to the office was revealed, Harry stepped hesitantly onto the stairs, which began to move and carried him up to the office.
"Ah Mister Potter do come in," Dumbledore greeted. "Have a seat, would you care for a lemon drop?" Harry shook his head, slowly sitting down in the seat across from Dumbledore's desk, not even taking the time to examine the multiple silver instruments decorating the office like he usually did.
Dumbledore sighed. "I'm sure you know why I called you here Harry," he said in a solemn voice, not at all like the cheery one he'd been using just seconds before. "I've put off this conversation for a week now, because Poppy insisted I give you time to cope with the shock of the event, but we can no longer avoid the topic, now can we Harry?"
Harry said nothing, refusing to look up at Dumbledore, staring down at his hands in his lap instead.
"Harry I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what happened to you a week ago, and more importantly who did it."
Harry was silent for a moment before his finally could bring himself to speak, "Nothing." He said slowly. "Nothing happened to me."
"Harry, you and I both know that's a lie," Dumbledore stated. "After what happened in the common room, and the test Madame Pomfrey ran on you, there's no denying you were raped that night."
"No I wasn't," Harry denied. "I was lying, I was faking it."
"There's no way you could fake the injuries found on you. You were loosing blood from a place that would not have been otherwise damage, there bruising around your pelvic and nether regions, not to mention your mental state at the time. Please, Harry, just tell me what happened so that I can help. Who did this to you?"
Harry didn't answer.
Dumbledore sighed. "You do realize I have ways of forcing the truth out of you, right?"
Harry nodded but still didn't speak.
"Alright then, Harry," Dumbledore said after a few minutes of silence, "I realize when things are getting no where. You may leave; if you hurry you may catch the end of your Transfiguration Lesson." Harry stood and left, not looking back.
One month later…
The light of the early morning sun shone trough the small window, illuminating the dorm room of the Gryffindor Sixth Year Boys. Four of the five four poster beds had their curtains drawn back as their occupants got up and ready for another day of lessons. Suddenly the curtains concealing the fifth bed was yanked back and its occupant made a dash for the door only to stop half way there and promptly spill his dinner from the night before all over the floor. The sound of retching filled the room as Harry continued to empty the contents of his stomach, barely managing to remain standing as he did so.
"Harry!" Ron yelled in concern. "Neville go get help. Harry are you OK?" Harry didn't answer as he continued to dry heave onto the floor. "This is the forth day in a row mate; you need to go to the hospital wing."
Harry set back, and wiped his mouth with the handkerchief he'd taken to carrying around as of late. "No," he said, waving his wand to get rid of the mess he'd made, "I'm fine."
"No you're not. You've been doing this every day for four days, that's not fine. Go see Madame Pomfrey."
"No." Harry replied standing and making his way back to his bed.
"Just go to the nurse."
"Harry." Ron growled.
Harry opened his mouth to again say no, but instead ended up once again spewing his insides across the floor. Ron stepped back to avoid getting hit by the mess and Harry had to clutch onto his bed to keep himself up. Once he was sure he was done this time he straightened and once again wiped his mouth on the handkerchief. He reached for his wand to clean up the mess, but before he could the vomit vanished. Harry looked to see who had cleaned it for him, expecting to see Ron, but instead he was staring into the hard eyes of Minerva McGonagall.
"Harry Potter, hospital wing. Now." She gave no room for debate.
It had gotten easier for him to be around people. He still didn't like it very much, but Harry was no longer scared out of his mind to sit in a room full of people. He still didn't like to be touched and got nervous if anyone got too close to him. He also still tended to wallow in depression and keep a distance between him and everyone else. And he still avoided Draco Malfoy like the Bubonic Plague. But sitting in the Great Hall was no longer too much of a problem for him.
It seemed he'd been making progress in the month since the rape. Everyone thought he would be over it soon and open up to them; maybe even tell them who had done it.
Everyone was wrong.
"Bloody hell, Harry, I can't deal with this anymore!" Ron yelled at the boy sitting across from him in the Great Hall at dinner time a week after McGonagall had forced him to go to the nurse. "I've tried to be sympathetic and understanding after what happened, but I can't deal with it. All this depression and pushing people away, I can't do it anymore! What the hell is your problem?"
"Ron!" Hermione yelled, trying to silence the boy, but it was too late; Harry had also lost his temper.
"What the hell is my problem?" he yelled, "How about the fact that I was raped! Is that big enough of a problem for you? You've tried to be sympathetic you say, tried to be understanding? You don't know what I went through, how the hell could you ever understand? I was raped Ron. That's my problem. Oh yeah, and the cherry on top? I'm fucking pregnant!"
Harry suddenly realized he'd yelled this at the top of his lungs and the entire Great Hall had turned to look at him. Harry glared at Ron before turning and running out of the Hall. He could hear Hermione yelling his name after him.
Harry had been the last the leave the Gryffindor changing rooms after the first Quidditch match of the year. His team had won and was all probably in the common room celebrating by now, but Harry had wanted a few minutes to himself after the game and had put off joining them until now.
He was on the third floor heading towards the Gryffindor tower he when he was suddenly grabbed from behind. Harry reached for his wand, but another hand beat him to it and pulled it away. "Don't want you hexing me now do I?" said a low voice. "That'll spoil all of the fun."
"Who are you, what's going on?" Harry asked trying to turn to see who his attacker was, only to find himself unable to.
"All will be revealed soon." The person said, before pulling Harry into an empty classroom and sealing the door with a spell and a silencing charm. The room was dark, and Harry could barely see. "You know you look beautiful like that, all frightened and unsure."
"Who are you? What do you want?" Harry asked again.
"Oh, you'll see." Harry was pushed on top of one of the desk. He felt his legs being yanked apart and someone settled themselves between them. "You truly are beautiful, Harry Potter. Very beautiful indeed." Before Harry could say anything he felt a pair of lips pressing hungrily against his own. Hands were pushing up his robes and roaming across his bare skin. Harry was terrified and with a sudden burst of strength pushed his unknown attacker off of him and ran for the door. A spell was yelled from behind him and he found himself falling to the floor in a full body bind.
"I was hoping you would be a willing partner, Harry," The person said, "But I guess that would be asking too much of the Boy-Who-Lived. Oh well, I can still have my fun any way."
Harry was yanked to his feet and slammed against a wall. "I'm going to make you feel so good Harry, you have no idea." Harry's robes were ripped off of him and the next thing he knew he was being bent over a desk and excruciating pain was tearing through his body.
Harry squeezed his eyes closed as he felt his attacker brutally slamming in and out of him, ripping his tender flesh and using the blood as lubricant for further abuse. Tears rolled down Harry's cheeks and he tried to scream and put up a fight, but found himself unable to. Then something was touched inside of him and Harry thought he was going to be sick. He couldn't believe his own body was betraying him as it found guilty pleasure within this world of pain.
The Astronomy Tower was empty save for one Sixth Year Gryffindor boy who everyone thought was going to be the savior of the Wizarding World. 'Big laugh there', Harry thought bitterly, 'I can't even save myself.'
Harry set on the edge of the highest point in Hogwarts, looking down at ground far below him. Everything was getting to be too much. He couldn't deal with all of this anymore. He was sixteen years old and everyone was expecting him do all these great things, none of that had bothered him before, but now it did, because now he realize he didn't want to save the stupid Wizarding World. This stupid world that was so evil and corrupt with murderers and rapist and friends that didn't understand. This stupid world allowed babies to be orphaned, heroes to be treated like whores, and innocents to be raped and impregnated. This stupid world deserved to burn.
He didn't want to save this world; he didn't want to bring a baby into this world; he didn't even want to live in this world. He didn't want to live at all. He wanted to end it all. And that's why he was sitting on the wall of the Astronomy Tower. He couldn't do this anymore, he had to get away.
He had written a goodbye note. He didn't think it would be fair to just do this without leaving behind some message. So he had written a note. Something simple, just:
I can't do this anymore.
He had sent the message the person least likely to do anything about it. Then he had come up to the Astronomy Tower at around sunset, but he had set there for hours and it was well after dark now. There was no more waiting. He was going to end this now.
Harry inched closer to the edge and glanced down again; he was overcome with a sudden wave of vertigo and tightened his grip on the cold stones. After taking a deep breath he inched closer. He closed his eyes and pushed himself over.
"Harry!" Some screamed, but Harry didn't pay any mind. They were too late anyway, he was already gone. Falling almost felt like flying, except he wasn't going to walk away from this flight alive. It was all going to be over soon.
Harry's eyes remained closed as he fell, he knew he was going to hit the ground soon there was no reason to watch its approach. All he had to do was wait. Something wrapped around his wrist and he felt an excruciating pain rip through his arm and shoulder blade. He opened his eyes to see what had happened, and found that someone was holding him in the air by his wrist, just feet from the ground.
"You're a real piece of work, you know that Potter?" A cruel voice snapped at him, as he was lowered the last few feet to the ground and placed gently on his feet.
"Malfoy," Harry hissed, clutching his arm tenderly, "what are you doing here?"
"I think the better question is why the hell did you send me that note. What did you think I was going to do?" Malfoy yelled, landing his broom and storming over to Harry.
"I thought you were going to let me die!" Harry snapped.
"As if, I've already attempted to save your ass once, you think I was just going to put my effort to waste, think again Potter."
"You shouldn't have tried save me the first time and we wouldn't be in this situation!"
"No, if you weren't a freaking idiot we wouldn't be in the situation! Do you really think I like running around playing hero to an ungrateful prat like you? Get over yourself and think again! Its bad enough you got the whole school thinking I was the one who raped you, what with the way you ran away from in the Great Hall like that. Then you send me a damn suicide letter and think I'm just going to sit back and let you die. You are so fucking obtuse it's not even funny anymore. Don't you realize there a people here who care about you and want to help you? Or are you so freaking lost in emo depression 'pity-the-poor-boy-who-was-raped' mode to notice anything? Either way it goes, next time you try to kill yourself, leave me the fuck out of it." Draco turned and stormed away back towards the castle, leaving a confused Harry to stare after him.
"Draco wait!" Harry yelled after him, causing the Slytherin to stop and turn back to him. "I'm sorry," Harry said before falling to his knees and sobbing. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, just don't leave me." Tears flowed down his cheeks in unending waves and clutched his hurt arm protectively to his chest as he sobbed him heart out.
Draco sighed and went to back over to Harry. "Come on Potter, don't cry. Its ok, everything is ok."
Harry looked up at Draco through tear filled eyes. "Draco," he said softly, "Thank you for everything."
"Whatever don't mention it." Draco said. "Let's get you to Madame Pomfrey; I think I dislocated your shoulder."
Harry collapsed to the floor in a boneless heap. "Well that was fun Harry; we should do this again sometime."
Harry's eyes closed as more tears rolled down his cheeks. He heard the spells on the door being removed and knew whoever had done this to him was getting away. But Harry didn't care. He forced himself to open his eyes long enough to catch a last glimpse of his attacker as he exited the room, but then they fell closed again. All he wanted right now was to drift into the darkness calling out to him.
When he next opened his eyes he was in the Astronomy Tower standing desperately close to the edge, he wasn't sure how he'd gotten there, but the knew why he was there. The drop below him looked long and inviting, now if he only had the strength to haul himself up onto the ledge.
"Potter is that you?" Harry heard someone call out to him. He opened his eyes having not even realized he closed them. "What the hell happened to you?" Said an all too familiar voice, why of all people had it been Draco Malfoy that found him like this?
Draco seemed to take in the situation Harry was in and rushed over to the boy's side. Draco helped Harry away from the ledge and down from the tower, but once they got to the hall he told the boy to wait right there while he went to get help. Harry's eyes followed Malfoy's retreating figure until he disappeared around a corner, then he forced himself up and stumbled to the Gryffindor common room.
Leave Out All the Rest
The doors to the Great Hall swung open onto the usual boisterous crowd of students talking, laughing, and stuffing their mouths with food. Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table laughing along with his friends at some rather out there comment Ron had made. It had been a while since anyone had heard Harry laugh so much and it was a welcome event. Hermione set across the table from him, pretending to be reading Hogwarts, a History for what might be the millionth time, while really just trying to hide the smile spreading across her face at the sight of her dear friend back to his old self. When Harry looked up and met her eyes the two of them smiled at each other and then she turned her eyes down to her book.
"Stop laughing, it's not that funny." Ron said with a pout.
"Oh, but it so is," Dean Thomas said. "Don't you agree Harry?" He asked, forgetting his year mate's former disposition and swinging his arm around Harry's shoulders. It seemed the whole room froze to see how Harry would respond to this, everyone knew that Harry Potter hated to be touched every since the incident. He either shrank away from the touch or completely freaked out.
But this time was different, Harry flinched, but then paid no mind to the arm around his shoulder as he continued to laugh. "I have to agree with Dean on this one, Ron," he said, not ceasing in his merriment, "It's down right hilarious." Any tension that had begun to build evaporated and the laughter of the Gryffindors continued.
"What's so funny Potter?" A voice asked from behind Harry. The Gryffindors turned to see who had approached their table; Hermione, Neville, and Seamus looking at the intruder with a mixed degree of anger and disdain.
Harry's eyes lit up at the sight of Draco standing behind him, "Draco!" he exclaimed, barely keeping himself from getting up and flinging himself into the other boy's arms.
Draco gave a sort of half smile that could easily be confused for a smirk by anyone who wasn't looking closely. "You seem better," He stated.
Harry nodded. "What brings you over here?" He asked shooting a look over at the Slytherin table where Draco's friends didn't seemed too pleased with his detour.
Draco looked over his shoulder following Harry's eyes to his house table, he shrugged, "Madam Pomfrey ordered me to make sure you followed her orders about not having an empty stomach, thought I'll check on you."
"That's very thoughtful of you, Malfoy," Hermione said, "But we're perfectly capable of making sure Harry eats."
Draco didn't give her anything more than a passing glance before turning his attention back to the green eyed boy he's come to see. "So are you following her orders?"
Harry nodded and grinned proudly. "Cleared my plate, plus seconds on the treacle tart."
Malfoy nodded. "Alright, see you around Potter."
"Yeah, see you Draco." Harry couldn't stop himself from watching Draco's progress across the hall to the Slytherin table, a small smile on his face.
"What was that about?" Ron demanded when Harry turned back around to face the group.
"What?" Harry asked feigning ignorance. "Draco was just checking on me, per Madam Pomfrey's orders."
"Draco? Since when are you on first name basis with the Slytherin Prince?"
"We're not? Notice he called me Potter?"
"But you called him Draco," Ron stated, "And when does Malfoy care about rather you eat or not?"
"Maybe since Madam Pomfrey told him to. Or maybe since I got frickin' pregnant?" Harry snapped back. "Since when do I have to answer to you anyway?" He demanded, standing up and glaring at Ron.
"Since you decided to become all buddy-buddy with a nasty Slytherin," Ron stood and yelled back.
"That nasty Slytherin as you so kindly put it, happened to have saved my life, twice!" Harry yelled. "If you have a problem with that then sucks to be you." Harry turned and stormed out of the Great Hall, oblivious to all the stares and the Slytherin boy that followed his exit.
Harry stood at the top of the Astronomy Tower looking down of the snow covered grounds of Hogwarts. It was cold out, but he hadn't brought his cloak or anything to keep him warm as he stood up there contemplating the direction things were going.
It had been two weeks since Harry's second attempt at killing himself by jumping off the top of this very tower. One week had passed since he and Ron had argued in the Great Hall over Draco Malfoy. In that time, Ron had approached Harry trying to make things right again, but Harry refused to speak to him, instead choosing to avoid him and go off on his own as much as possible. Except, it seemed, he could never truly be alone. Draco always seemed to show up wherever Harry was. He never said much, offering Harry silent companionship, or on the occasions when it was obvious silence the last thing Harry needed, he entertained him with stories of his childhood, or about his day, of even sometimes he'd tell the Muggle raised boy popular children stories of the Wizarding World.
Harry had grown to enjoy Draco's companionship, and had, unbeknownst to himself, began to rely on him to keep him grounded during these times that were becoming increasingly more difficult for him.
Harry was now about two months pregnant, with a child that he wasn't sure he even wanted seeing as how it was the product of a night he longed with all his might to just forget. No one mentioned Harry's rape much anymore, and it seemed that as Harry slowly returned to the normal life he'd led prior to the event; people began to forget it ever happened. But with a baby on the way, there was no way Harry could ever forget it, nor could he deny it anymore.
He had been raped. He was pregnant. And the person who had done it was…
"Not thinking of jumping again, are you Potter?" A voice that lacked all its former cruelty said from behind him.
Harry turned and smiled teasingly at Draco. "If I was, I know better than to get you involved in it this time."
"Yeah, but my just being here is going to be reason enough to make the whole school think I pushed you."
"Tell them you didn't."
"As if any stubborn Gryffindors would believe that."
"You and I could commit one of those flashy double suicides together," Harry offered. "If you die a long with me, no one would be able to think you did it."
"Maybe, or they might just think I pushed you, freaked out, and then jumped."
"OK, so suicide is out, how about the two of us just run away together."
Draco raised one delicately arched blond eyebrow. "Why would you want to run away with me, Potter?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
Draco let out a musical sounding laugh. "Well that'll be the story of the century. I can see the head lines now 'The Boy Who Lived Runs Away with the Son of a Convicted Death Eater', then in the tagline, 'Destined to Live on Love Alone'."
"Who said anything about love? I said let's run away, not let's elope."
"Which brings us back to my question, why would you want to run away with me, Potter?"
"Honestly? You're about the last person in this school I don't hate right now."
"Well that's a laugh, considering up until recently there was no one in this school you hated more than me."
"I never said I hated you. Maybe a strong sense of dislike, but not even that…"
"Then what is it that you do feel Harry?"
Harry looked up and found himself staring into Draco's silver eyes. "I- I don't know," he said, suddenly lose for breath.
"Shall I help you figure it out?" Draco asked, his handsome face looming closer and closer to Harry's. Then suddenly his soft lips were pressed firmly against Harry's own slightly chapped ones. Harry's eyes widened in shock, but he didn't even think of pushing Draco away as he melted into the warm feeling of kissing Draco and being wrapped gently in his arms.
The kiss ended all too soon for Harry and a light blush covered his cheeks as he stared up into Draco's searching eyes. Draco gave the same half smile as before. "Come on; let's get you inside before you catch cold."
Four Months Later…
Harry lay on a bed in the hospital wing, waiting for Madam Pomfrey to come back. He had come in for his annual check up he'd been obligated to have every since he'd learned of his pregnancy, but before Madam Pomfrey could start the check up a group of second year Hufflepuff girls had come in exclaiming as if it was the end of the world over some minor injury one of them had received. Madam Pomfrey had gone to deal with them, leaving Harry alone for a while.
Harry looked down at his rather round, but only slightly protruding stomach. He was now six months pregnant, but really didn't look it much at all. He had gained a healthy amount of weight during his first few months of pregnancy, he'd started showing a little not far into his second month, and he considered himself to be huge during his third month, just because he'd always been on the thin side due to undernourishment during his child hood. But the weight gain had slowed considerably during the fourth month, and now being six months along, he looked no more than three and a half.
This had worried Harry at first, from what he knew about pregnant women, they got bigger and bigger as the pregnancy progressed; he thought he was sick or something was seriously wrong with his baby. Madam Pomfrey had assured him there was nothing to worry about, weight gain was never a major factor in male-pregnancies, and no one ever gained nearly as much weight while pregnant with a healthy baby boy, as they would with a girl. She had recommended he just continued to eat healthy amounts of foods, and never ever go on an empty stomach.
Pregnancy aside, the last four months hadn't been easy on Harry. He had made up with Ron, only to get into another fight with him when Harry and Draco's relationship became public. None of the other Gryffindors or Slytherins had been happy to hear the two of them were together either. It seemed most of the Gryffindors either held old grudges against the Slytherin Prince, or still believed it had been him who raped Harry in the first place. And the Slytherins just didn't like Draco shaming their house by fraternizing with the enemy.
Harry had had to quit the Quidditch team during his second month of pregnancy when it was decided the sport was too dangerous to risk for the baby. It was also decided he had to give up his position as captain to none other than Cormac McLaggen, who had been just overjoyed with that development. And on top of that, Dumbledore was getting on his case more than ever about who had raped him that night.
The worst part of the whole situation had been him having to give up potions, Appartation training, and DADA classes. Apparently the fumes in the potions room could be harmful for the baby, so he was no longer allowed in the room; instead he had book work and essays applying to whatever lesson had been taught that day. Defense Against the Dark Arts was also dubbed dangerous due to the flying spells and an unfortunate incident when he was accidentally hit by a full body bind spell, bringing up unsavory memories, and causing him to have a mental breakdown in front of the whole class. Snape had found that rather entertaining, but Harry was put to book work after that. He wasn't to even think about splinching himself while pregnant, so there went his chance of Apparating.
The only good part of the last four months, had been Draco's constant presence in his life. If anyone asked Harry would deny it for all he was worth, but he couldn't help but admit to himself that he was slowly falling in love with his at-one-time enemy, and he was almost sure Draco felt the same.
Since Harry had been removed from the only class he had with the Slytherin that year, the two of them had to find other opportunities to be together. Usually they spent their break times together, or the snuck away from lunch or dinner. They usually hung out on the Astronomy Tower; it had become one of their favorite places in the school. The time together was spent talking about school, friends, their childhood, or just life in general. They never spoke about the future.
With Harry's due date looming before them, the future was a topic never breached. Harry wondered would Draco still be with him after he had the baby. Since they never discussed it he had no way being sure. What if Draco left him? What if he decided he didn't want to be with someone who had a kid? Would Harry be able to survive on his own? Or had he become too dependent of Draco's support to do anything by himself?
Draco didn't seem to be put off by the fact that Harry was going to have a baby. Often times, when they were sitting on the floor of the Astronomy Tower, he would hold Harry in his arms, while gently and lovingly rubbing his belly. He talked to the baby and even sang to it, in his surprisingly beautiful singing voice. A couple of times he had even fell asleep with his face pressed against Harry's tummy. Harry told himself these were good signs. He told himself it meant Draco would stick around after the baby was born. All he had to rely on were the words he kept telling himself.
Sometimes when he was alone, usually up in his bed in the Sixth Year Gryffindor Boys' dorm room, he would make himself think about the future. He was a sixteen year old wizard raised by wizard hating Muggles who already thought he was enough of a freak, the baby wouldn't be born by the time the school year let out, so would he have to go back to them while still pregnant. He already knew that answer. Yes he would, because Dumbledore would insist that the needed the protection of the magic placed on the Dursley's house, now more than ever since he himself was being weakened by the pregnancy. That was definitely something he would not be looking forward to.
And after the baby was born, what would he do then? Again the fact that he was only sixteen years old and wouldn't be seventeen until it was nearly time to return to the school played a role in the situation. He was still an underage wizard and still had another year to complete at Hogwarts. Would he be able to complete his education while caring for a baby? Money wasn't a real issue if he raised the child in the Wizarding World, he had, after all, inherited both the Potter family and the Black family vaults. He supposed he would have to move to number Twelve Grimmauld Place after the baby was born. That would be cheaper than buying a new house, and as long as it was the Order's Headquarters it would be a safe location for him and his child.
The school year was already drifting to an end and there were still so many questions that he had to answer. How was he going to do this?
"Well Mister Potter, lets get started shall we," Madam Pomfrey said as she approached his bed. "You know the routine, I'm going to cast a few spells to check both your health and the health of the baby, and then afterward you'll get to see the little guy. You just sit back, relax, and don't move."
Harry nodded and Madam Pomfrey began her exam. She waved her wand over Harry, occasionally asking him questions about his eating habits and such. "Alright then," she said once she was done, "Everything seems to be in order, you ready to see the little guy?" Harry nodded and she cast a spell that made a black and white projection of the insides of Harry stomach appear above the bed, just like a Muggle ultrasound machine. "Let's see, there's his head, and his little fist, and there's a foot. Congratulations, Potter, he seems to be all there."
Harry looked at the sonogram as Madam Pomfrey pointed out the different parts, all worries he had been previously entertaining melted away, and he couldn't help but smile. He was going to be a father.
"Harry," Draco said softly. The two of them were sitting on the floor of the Astronomy Tower, Draco leaning against the wall, Harry sitting between his legs and leaning against his chest, they both had their right hands resting on Harry's pregnant belly, their lefts hands entwined with each others at their side, "what's to become of us?"
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, he was tired and had begun to drift to sleep until Draco spoke.
"I mean, the end of the school year just around the corner, soon we'll be parting ways, me to go back to my mother at Malfoy Manor, and you to return to those dreadful Muggles. What's going to happen to us once we part?"
"Who says something has to happen to us? Can't we just pause where we are, go our separate ways, and pick up where we left off when we come back?"
"Things will be different when we come back," Draco stated. "For one, this little guy will be here demanding our attention. And then there's the fact that I…"
"I guess even if we could pause what we have now, the rest of the world would go on and alter everything." Harry said when he realized Draco wasn't going to finish his sentence. Silence dragged between them for a while.
"Remember when you said that you and I should run away together?" Draco finally said, once Harry confirmed that he remembered he asked, "Is that option still available?"
"Do you really want to be front page news that bad?" Harry teased. "'Boy Who Lived Elopes with Son of Convicted Death Eater' remember?"
"And then in the tag line, 'Destined to Live on Love Alone'." Draco smiled.
"Who said anything about love? We're just running away remember?"
"You're the one who said 'elopes' my original headline said 'runs away with'. Which brings back up the question, why would you want to run away with me, Potter?"
"You're the one who offered this time; shouldn't I be asking you the same thing?"
"I think you know my reasons."
"And you know mine."
Silence returned. Both of them were content to leave the conversation the way it was. They both knew their reason, but neither would say it.
Platform Nine and Three Quarters was packed with Hogwarts students finally heading home for summer vacation. Everyone waved and hugged their friends good-bye, promising to owl or get together over the summer, but one boy stood back all alone, looking slightly afraid. Harry watched as Ron, Ginny, and Hermione was greeted by Molly and Arthur Weasley, being welcomed with smiles and warm hugs. They all seemed so happy to see each other and Molly was ecstatic to have her family home.
Harry couldn't help but feel a little left out.
Two weeks before the end of the term Harry and Ron had revived their dieing friendship. Ron had apologized for being a prat about the whole 'dating a bloody Slytherin' thing and had promised to be more understanding in the future. Harry in turn had cried his eyes out and embraced Ron, saying he was so glad that the Weasley didn't hate him anymore. Of course the whole situation was blamed on the pregnancy hormones and was quickly forgotten, but the last two weeks of school had gone on as if Harry and Ron had never fought in the first place. Hermione was delighted that the two of them were friends again, because she had missed being a part of the Gryffindor Golden Trio.
Yet, with everything once again fine between them, Harry still didn't feel as if he had the right to encroach on the family reunion and felt as if he didn't belong there. He no longer felt welcomed in the Weasley family. He had lost his place in the Weasley home when…
"Harry, are you just going to stand back there or are you going to give me a hug?"
Harry looked up at Molly Weasley who was standing in front of him, hands on her hips, a scowl on her face. The scowl quickly melted into he warm loving smile that she always showed him, before she pulled him into a tight embrace. "How are you, Hun?" she asked. "I've been worried sick."
Harry smiled, trying to keep the hormone induced tears out of his eyes as he was held in those warm motherly arms, he felt so safe. "I'm fine, Mrs. Weasley, no need to worry."
"I'm a mother; it's my job to worry Harry." Molly said releasing the boy from her arms and looking him over. "You'll know what I mean soon." Harry unconsciously placed a hand on top of his round stomach. He felt something moving around beneath the pregnant bulge and couldn't help but smile; he would know what she meant soon.
"Come on Molly, Harry," Mr. Weasley called out. "We've got to get going. Welcome back Harry." He shook the boy's hand before herding them all through the barrier of Platform Nine and Three Quarters and up onto the Muggle part of King's Cross Station.
Harry stepped through the barrier after Ron and Hermione and nearly slammed right into the two of them, who had frozen in place on the other side of the barrier. "What's going on?" Harry asked stepping around them to see why they had stopped; a huge, rather childish, grin spread across his face. "Draco!"
Draco Malfoy smiled as Harry all but ran into his arms. "Hey Love," he said, "I just wanted to see you before we parted ways."
"I'm going to miss you," Harry said, completely forgetting that the Weasleys and Hermione were watching this exchange.
"I'm going to miss you too, Love." Draco smiled. "I'll miss this little guy as well." Harry grinned as he looked down at his pregnant belly. He and Draco had decided against running away together, neither of them had been seriously considering the idea in the first place, it had only been brought up as a much more delightful option to dealing with their problems. Problems both boys knew that they would never be able to run away from regardless of what actions they took. The only real option they had was to go with the flow of things, and at that the moment the flow of things called for them to separate for the summer.
"Will you owl me?" Harry asked in a near pleading tone, he had become so dependent on Draco's presence he doubted his ability to survive if forced to cut off all contact with him.
"As much a possible," Draco promised holding Harry gently in his arms. "If things get too bad I'll even come and rescue you from those dreadful Muggles."
"I'll be there whenever you need me, promise."
Harry's emerald green eyes stared searchingly up into Draco's silver ones. He smiled when he found whatever it was he was looking for, and acting a little boldly, he leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was a sweet sort of kiss, one for fairy tales and romance novels and it ended all too soon. "Take care of yourself, Draco." Harry said.
"You too Harry," Draco replied, "And the little guy as well." He pressed their lips together in another chaste kiss before pulling back and walking away.
Harry watched silently as Draco's retreating figure disappeared into the crowd.
"Ready to go, Harry?" Someone asked, reminding Harry exactly where he was and who he was with. Harry blushed as he turned to look at the Weasleys only to find that while he had been so wrapped up in Draco Lupin, Tonks, Fred, George, and Moody had joined the group.
"What are you all doing here?" he demanded; embarrassed that so many members of the Order had just witnessed his parting with Draco.
"Escorting you back to Privet Drive," Lupin stated.
"And watching you make out with my cousin.," Tonks threw in. "I can't say I blame you for your taste; I've always thought the Malfoys were a very delectable bunch." She grinned approvingly. Harry noticed that she was back to her usually happy go lucky self, complete with bubble gum pink hair and all. He wondered if that had anything to do with the fact that she and Remus were currently holding hands.
"Well I disagree," George said.
"Couldn't you have chosen someone," Fred paused.
"That isn't a future Death Eater." George finished for him.
Harry glared at the two of them. "Draco isn't like that," He stated threateningly. "And if you ever call him that again I swear I'll personally make sure the chances of future generations to take over Weasley's Wizard Wheezes are slim to none."
"Alright then," Fred said, covering his 'tenders', "that said, shall we be going?"
"I don't see why I need an entire escort to walk me to the parking lot." Harry inquired.
"That's because we're not taking you to the parking lot," Moody spoke up, "We'll be escorting you all the way back to number four Privet Drive, and having a discussion with your aunt and uncle explaining current situations to them while we're there."
"NO! Absolutely not!" Vernon Dursley's face was turning an unhealthy shade of purple as he yelled at his visitors. "Take the little slut back with you. I will not have him in my house!"
"Now that's not really appropriate."
"I don't care if it's appropriate. I'm speaking the truth. Take him away from here, now!"
"Unfortunately Dumbledore is dead set on having Harry here this summer, and as far as I've heard, you've already agreed to house him." Arthur said politely.
"I told that Dumbledore fellow that Harry could stay here for this last summer, but that was BEFORE he came here pregnant. I will not have that slut in my house."
"That slut is in this room and I don't appreciate you talking about me like I'm not," Harry growled. "And for the record, I don't want to be here anymore than you want me here. But I don't really have a choice do I?"
"You had a choice before you went spreading your legs for every Tom, Rick, or Jerry! How about you go and stay with whomever it was who knocked you up in the first!"
Silence fell over the room until the loud sound of shattering glass filled the brief second of quiet. A wave of raw energy poured from Harry as he glared menacingly at his uncle. "Stop talking as if you know everything, 'cause you don't know shit. You have no idea what I've been through this year, so shut your big fat mouth before I shut it for you!" Harry tried to launch himself at his uncle with all intent to kill him, but found himself being held back by Lupin.
"Let me go Remus!" He demanded.
"Not until you calm down Harry," the werewolf replied. "This isn't helping the situation at all. Plus the stress can harm the baby."
Harry immediately calmed, thoughts of causing harm to his child pushing all the anger from his mind. He didn't know what he would do if something happened to his baby.
Vernon Dursley glared at he nephew. "If this is how you're going to be acting I definitely don't want you here."
"Unfortunately you don't have a choice in that matter. Harry is staying. End of discussion, or would you rather take the argument up with me." Moody glared at Vernon, his magical eye seeming to bore into the man's very skull.
Vernon let out a defeated sigh and Harry knew he was in for a long summer.
A loud scream ricocheted through his head as he was pressed against the desk and forcefully entered. Harry dug his fingernails into the wood, holding on for all dear life, trying to will the pain away, trying to will his body to stop responding to the pleasure laced within it, or at least will himself to die so as to end it all and never have to face the shame.
A hand wrapped around him and gripped his erection, fisting it and pumping in time with the brutal thrust. A familiar voice moaned his name, called him tight and beautiful, whispered lies of love and devotion.
"Only you, Harry," The voice said, "I love only you and in turn you should love only me, too." He thrust exceptionally hard, slamming against Harry's prostate and shooting a wave a sheer torturous pleasure through him. "Love me Harry," the familiar voice demanded, "love me."
To Harry it almost sounded as if he was begging, pleading for the boy's love, while forcefully stealing his virginity.
Before Harry had time to process the thought another hard thrust sent another loud scream reverberating through his skull.
Harry staggered into the Dursley's kitchen after a restless night of sleep. He had been haunted with nightmares of the event he just could never seem to forget, so he had woken up and began writing a letter to Draco to take his mind off of things, only to fall asleep in the middle of writing and once again be faced with the nightmares. He had finally been able to reach a peaceful slumber in the early morning hours following the sunrise, but had woken not much later because of a sudden need for food.
The Dursleys watched him enter the kitchen, looks of loathing on their faces. Harry was sure they had heard him screaming during his nightmares, but they hadn't come to his aid. He sighed, they probably wished he had died during the night then he would no longer be their problem.
It had been about three weeks since Harry had come to stay with the Dursleys and to his surprise things weren't as bad as he thought they would be. Instead of yelling at and purposely neglecting him like they had done the previous years he had stayed with them, they had chosen to simply ignore his existence all together. They didn't talk to him, and only looked at him on occasions such as this when he entered the room late at random time. They no longer starved him either. Seeing as how he was eating for two, they made sure he had proper meals, sometimes giving him bigger servings than Dudley and turning a blind eye when food went missing for Harry's midnight snakes. They had also forbidden Dudley to beat him up. They knew that if anything happened to Harry that caused harm to his baby there would be all hell to pay.
Of course there were worst things that could happen to him other than being ignored by his relatives. Harry was just glad that none of those things were happening. And on the plus side, in a week's time he would be leaving the Dursley resident permanently.
He was now well into his third trimester of pregnancy and required constant medical supervision, since he couldn't well go to a Muggle doctor for prenatal care, it had been decided that he would stay with the Weasleys for the remainder of the pregnancy. Dumbledore insisted that his stay with the Dursleys lasted for at least a month, but would not force him to stay longer, and Harry had to be glad for that. Though they weren't abusing him anymore, Harry still felt unloved and unwanted by the Dursleys and his overactive hormones couldn't take it. There had been many a night when he cried himself to sleep just because he needed a hug that he knew he would never receive as long as he stayed there.
Those nights always seemed to fall on the days he received a latter from Draco. Harry missed Draco dearly and was waiting longingly for the time he would get to see the blond again. He felt dreadfully lonely without Draco's constant presence, and though the Malfoy wrote often just as he promised, the words on the page was never as reassuring as having Draco physically there would have. Draco constantly reminded Harry that they would be seeing each other soon and that he should worry, but Harry still suffered from his absence.
"Mum, how did Harry get pregnant if he's a boy?" The question broke the silence that had fallen over the breakfast table, abruptly pulling Harry from his thoughts.
"Well, Dudders, you see…" Petunia Dursley searched for a way to explain the situation to her precious whale of a son.
"He's a freak, that's how," Vernon Dursley said, not bothering to look up from his newspaper. "He's a freak and a slut, who's willing to open his legs for anyone at that freak school of his, and no one gives a damn."
"Vernon," Petunia said, trying to warn her husband away from the topic, considering how Harry had reacted last time he's been called a slut.
Vernon Dursley did not care. "What Petunia? Do you not want me calling your nephew the whore that he is? It's his own fault for bringing his freak world into our house as if he had right to. The ungrateful little bastard; if he was freaking up the duff I'd show him what's what. Stupid Jezebel needs to learn to keep his legs closed."
A loud thud sounded through the kitchen and everyone turned to face Harry, who had just slammed his fist down on the hard wood table. Harry's head was bowed, and his unruly mesh of black hair hid his eyes from view. He stood from his seat, trembling with suppressed emotions.
"What's the matter boy? Struck a nerve did I? Thinking of attacking me again is you? Just because I speak the truth? You're nothing but a dirty little slut, a filthy whore, and a nasty Jezebel, just like your freak of a mother. I can't wait until you and that bastard child are out of my house."
Harry said nothing, still trembling as his uncle continued to bad mouth him. "Are you quite done?" He asked once the man stopped speaking, when he received no answer he continued, "Then I'd like to be excused." He took a step towards the door, but before he exited he paused and said, "You can say whatever you like about me, I daresay I'm used to it, but if you ever speak ill of my mother or my baby again trust that nothing and no one will stop me from making your life a living nightmare." That said he made his exit. As Harry slowly ascended the stairs to his room, he reminded himself that he was only here for a little longer. "Just one more week," he whispered softly.
The door to the Burrow swung open, revealing the full house of people waiting patiently for the guest of honor's arrival. The living room was decorated in pink and blue streamers, and animated toy storks flew around the area. "Surprise!" a chorus of voices screamed when Harry entered the house, a camera flashed as well.
Harry looked at the gathering in shock. "What's going on?" He asked quietly, wondering why so many people had gathered to greet his arrival to the Weasley's house and why they all looked so cheery.
"We're throwing you a surprise Baby Shower!" Ron said from his spot by the snack table, already feeling his mouth with finger sandwiches.
"It was Hermione's idea." Fred added; he was holding the camera that had just flashed in Harry's face.
"Come on, we've got another surprise for you as well." Mrs. Weasley ushered the boy fully into the room.
"Another surprise?" He asked hesitantly stepping into the midst of the gathered people; it seemed everyone he knew was there, from Hannah Abbot, to the only Slytherin supportive of his and Draco's relationship Blaise Zabini. "You're throwing me a party, what bigger surprise can there be than that."
"I don't know Potter, I can think of a few things." A voice said from behind him with feigned disinterested cruelty.
Harry turned around and smiled like a kid you'd just been given a new ten speed bike for Christmas. "Draco!" He practically squealed, launching himself into the Malfoy heir's arms.
"Surprise," Draco said softly hugging the boy lovingly, "I've missed you."
Harry said nothing as he gripped on to Draco for all dear life, never wanting to let go; feeling completely safe on the Malfoy's arms.
"Love me, Harry," the voiced demanded, "Love me."
Harry screamed as another wave of pain shot through his body, his nails digging into the wood of the desk. The voice continued it's declarations of love and its pleading to be loved in return. Harry tried to push the words from his mind, tried to drown out the voice in his ears with his screams. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear those words or the oh so familiar voice saying them.
Harry wanted to die.
Harry was having a panic attack. His heart was pounding, his breath coming in pants, his vision tunneling. He couldn't breathe. He was going to die, he couldn't breathe. Oh God, he was going to die, and his baby was going to die and all because he couldn't get oxygen to his brain.
He was trembling. His body had broken out in a cold sweat and he couldn't stop himself from shaking. He tried to make himself take a steady breath. Maybe he could calm down if he could just get oxygen to his brain.
The room was too crowded. Everyone was too loud. People were too close to him. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run a way. He wanted to breathe. He needed to get oxygen to his brain.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he recalled someone telling him that everyone dies of the same thing, lack of oxygen to the brain.
"Harry?" a familiar voice said. "Hey mate, are you ok?" A hand landed on his shoulder and a face stared into his own. "Harry?"
Harry opened his mouth and screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
The piercing high pitch wail cut through the room like a siren. "Harry!" Ron yelled, shaking Harry's shoulder, trying to snap the boy out of it. "Harry, calm down, stop screaming."
"Stop screaming." The familiar voice had said, "No one can hear you anyway, so save your breath."
Harry's scream grew louder and the tore himself away from Ron's hand. "Don't touch me!" he yelled, "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me." He collapsed to his knees and sobbed.
"Harry, mate?" Ron said hesitantly, kneeling to place a hand on Harry's shoulder again, only to have Harry scuttle away from him as if he was the grim reaper himself and once again start screaming.
"Damn it, Weasel, can't you see he doesn't want you touching him." Draco yelled, he had been summoned to the room by the sounds of Harry's high pitched cries. "Harry, Love," Draco said in a soft caring voice, "Harry Love, stop screaming and calm down. Look at me, okay. Stop screaming. I'm not going to hurt you."
Harry's screams silenced as he stared into grey eyes like pools of liquid silver. They looked so warm, so kind, so loving, Harry didn't feel afraid anymore. "Draco," He said in a hoarse whisper.
"Yeah, Harry, it's me. You don't need to be scared anymore."
"Draco," Harry said again, before throwing himself into the Slytherin's arms and sobbing his eyes out.
No one talked about Harry's little breakdown as he entered into his final month of pregnancy. Well at least they didn't talk about it around him. While he wasn't around they would talk, Harry knew that they would. The wind carried with it their whispered secrets.
After his panic attack, Harry had latched on the Draco like a life line. The Malfoy had been staying with him at the Weasley's since the baby shower, but they hadn't exactly spent every moment together, each of them going about their separate business. But now Harry couldn't bring himself to be more than three feet from his aristocratic love. Any farther and Harry would go back into panic mode and suffocate. He only felt safe with Draco, without him Harry couldn't breathe.
Harry had also taken to avoiding Ron. Every since he had yelled at the boy not to touch him during his panic attack, Harry couldn't bring himself to be around him anymore. Ron was still his best friend, but Harry couldn't stand the sight of him.
The Weasleys didn't know what to do. Harry was kind of skittish around them, but didn't avoid them like he did Ron. He acted like a frightened rabbit, afraid of its own shadow. Mrs. Weasley went out of her way to make Harry open up to them like he had before, but her efforts were for naught. The only time the old Harry was ever seen was when he thought himself to be alone with Draco. Only then did Harry ever smile.
As the baby's due date loomed closer and closer, Harry latched onto Draco more and more, and pushed the Weasleys farther and farther away.
Excruciating pain ripped through Harry's stomach and lower back. He cried out and tried to keep himself from arching off the bed as the pain persisted for a few moments before ceasing.
"Can't you give him anything for the pain?" Draco demanded, standing at Harry's beside and clutching his hands.
"Nothing that won't hurt the baby." The medi-witch replied. "He's going to have to bare with for just a few more minutes so we can make the incision for the cesarean section. We've numbed the area as best we can."
Harry cried out as another wave of pain split through his body. "It's ok, Harry." Draco tried to reassure him, "it'll be over soon."
Harry nodded and let his eyes fall closed as he panted for breath.
"We're almost done," the medi-witch said, "He's coming out now." A few seconds later a loud scream pierced through the room. "Aw, look at him, a healthy baby boy." The medi-witch exclaimed, "And he's got a healthy set of lungs on him." She handed the baby off to one of the other healers to clean and turned back the Harry. "Well Mister Potter, you did a great job. Give us a minute to patch you up and you'll get to hold your beautiful son."
Harry forced his eyes open as he watched his attacker leave the room. The light from the hallway momentarily poured into the dark class room allowing Harry to see who had done this to him. Strands of mused red hair caught the light and blue eyes glinted blankly as the door was pulled haphazardly closed.
Harry's eyes fell closed as he gave in to the darkness calling him. His last thought at he fell into the dark abyss of unconsciousness was that he couldn't possible hold this against Ron, when the boy hadn't been in control of his own actions.