Thirteen Squad Halloween

A/N: Yeah, Kaien is in here. Pretend that the Squad 13 part is a flash-back otherwise somehow Renji and Kaien are both lieutenants at the same time frame.

Also, I definitely thought that I already did an espada version of this; at least I know that had outlined one, but I guess I never published it. Oh well, it's shinigami this time.

A/N #2: Thanks for everyone's well wishes about getting better. So far it looks like no more surgeries, although I'm high as a kit on all this silly medicine they keep pumping me with. I suppose that should serve as an apology in advance for any misspelling or nonsensical sentences.

The idea of Halloween has been around for quite some time, obviously. And we kind of figured in as part of the big bads, being all spooky-like and whatnot. So we've celebrated All Hallows' Eve for a while. Once this whole "dress up" thing caught on, we started doing it as well. At first we dressed in festival attire, but then we just went for it. It might seem odd for shinigami to dress up like spirits and goblins, but fun never has to make sense. Plus, candy! And fire (well, fire inside of pumpkins). I like the fire part the most, myself. I even found a way to make fire candy, which no one really liked except Captain Kurotsuchi, and he's not really the sort one wants to impress.

I realize that many years have passed and things get muddled in my mind, so I'm recording this year's outfits and fun for posterity.

Squad 1

Head Captain Yamamoto didn't dress as anything, but Shunsui suggested that he dressed up "as an old man". Yamamoto merely grunted, so I'll assume that Shunsui is right. Chojiro was pleasantly surprising, showing up as the masked crusader Zorro. I think he really has been growing his mustache out just for this occasion. He even used his zanpakuto to carve a letter "z" into the carrot cake.

By the way, carrot cake? Who knew such a bland (but crunchy) vegetable could become so delicious? I imagine that my enjoyment relies heavily on the cream cheese based frosting (also, cream cheese in a frosting? The world of the living is blowing my mind here).

Squad 2

I wondered if Soifon had lost a bet, but she seemed completely into her outfit. She was a cat, with big fake paws and drawn on whiskers. I threw catnip at her, which I thought was a playful and completely in the spirit of the costume party we were at, but she stabbed me with poison in response. Luckily, living the life I lead means I have quite a lot of anti-venom and de-poisoning supplies on me.

I also put rats in her bed. I wish I could see her reaction to that but I won't be around. It's her own fault for being so willfully poisony.

Omaeda was dressed "as a king" (according to him). He was covered in gaudy jewels and a long cloak and crown. I shouldn't complain though, I did steal quite a few of his rings. I didn't really know what to do with them, so I threw them into Captain Ukitake's koi pond. I assume that the koi will eat them and become extra shiny, or else Yachiru will find them one day and assume that fairies left them (or that koi produce golden rings).

Squad 3

I think my outfit was sublime, although I had a bit of trouble with the petticoats when I was sneaking into Squad 2 to put rodents in their captain's bed.

"C-captain," Kira stood up straight as I entered, watching me with wary eyes.

"Don't I look pretty?" I asked.

"You…are you really going to make me…" he seemed sad.

He usually seems sad though, so I pressed onward.

"Don't I look pretty?" I asked again.

"Yes," Kira said his eyes downward.

"Yes what?"

"Yes…you look pretty…Captain…" he finally got out.

"Like a pretty pretty…?" I left the question open.

"Like a…like a pretty pretty princess," Kira said morosely.

I had even raided Rangiku's quarters for some sparkly pink lip gloss and mascara. I wasn't really good at applying either, but the "mussed" look added to the effect I think.

"Are you…wearing padding in the…er, front there?" Kira finally showed some curiosity.

"Yes I am!" I declared proudly. "It's your tabi!"

"You…you stole some of my socks and used it to stuff your…bra?" he said, his face paling.

"What's wrong? You can't be that upset, I haven't even shown you your costume yet!" I told him gleefully.

"Please, no," he begged. "I already have one!"

"Oh? What is it?" I wondered.

He was silent.

"You are a very bad liar," I sighed.

Some things just can't be taught.

"You're going to be a pixie! We'll match!" I said, pulling out a pair of glittery butterfly wings and a dainty unitard.

"Actually, I'm going to go home early because I'm not feeling well," Kira claimed.

"Let me take care of you then," I insisted.

"Dressed like that?"

"Why would I go home and change, you need me now!" I replied.

"I'm…feeling better," he said, grabbing the outfit in a fit of despair before slinking off to the bathroom to change.

Squad 4

I had no idea about this, but it turns out that Captain Unohana is actually a science fiction and fantasy fan. She was dressed as Princess Leia all day as she tended to her patients, walking around with the big side buns and a white robe. I must say that she pulls it off.

I also must say that her poison is worse than Soifon's. I was just being friendly, asking if she had the slave girl outfit as well.

I doubt that Isane is really a Star Wars fan, and I very much suspect that her captain had a heavy hand in her dressing as a Jedi padawan. The hair does fit though.

Squad 5

Aizen dressed up as a businessman from the world of the living. I told him that he was dressed as Clark Kent. He, lucky, found it amusing and didn't poison me (there's only so much poison I can take). I suppose that he tends to go for more of the mind tricks really, but I managed to avoid that fate as well.

Momo…poor Momo. Rangiku had about as much fun as I did this Halloween I think.

"How did you get her to wear that?" I asked Rangiku over some spiced pumpkin ale.

Rangiku pointed at her head.

"I don't get it," I confessed.

"Her bun! I told her she should be a bunny because of her bun," Rangiku laughed.

"And then you got her to be a Playboy bunny how exactly?" I really did wonder. Things like this are valuable research.

Rangiku just grinned and refused to fess up, but I imagine the answer is sake related. It's not like there was much harm done, the second that Toshiro saw Momo he yelled at her and made her put on a robe.

I'm curious what Aizen's reaction was though.

Squad 6

"I am dressed up," Byakuya insisted.

Renji and I were perplexed. Captain Kuchiki looked the same as ever. Finally, Byakuya pointed to his head.

"Oh, no kenseiken," Renji said disappointedly.

"I don't think that counts," I told Byakuya.

"And as for you," I looked over at Renji, "I swear I don't see a difference!" I claimed.

"Oh please," Byakuya scoffed.

"Well, at least Renji is trying. I can tell he's trying to kind of sort of look like you," I replied.

"Hey, it's a pretty good attempt," Renji defended himself.

"Not even close," Byakuya said.

"Look! I can even walk like you!" Renji strutted for us to judge.

"Hm, that's actually quite good," I admitted.

"He looks like he's imitating a woman walking," said Byakuya.

"Er, well…like I said, pretty good," I told him.

Byakuya doesn't use poison. He has laser eyes.

I dodged his murder gaze and left Renji at his mercy.

Squad 7

"A cat," Iba told me.

"What?" I asked him.

"That's what my captain is dressed as. Make sure to compliment him on it."

"Nice…cat…outfit," I said, looking up at the massive figure of Komamura.

"Thank you," he said seriously. "And what are you, Tetsuzaemon?"

"Jean Claude Van Damme," Iba replied happily.

"Okay," Komamura replied, clearly lost.

"Can you do the kick?" I wondered, having watched quite a few world of the living movies (what else am I supposed to do when cooped up in that captain's office? Surely not paperwork)

"Er…no," Iba admitted. "I wanted to practice it but Ikkaku said I would just knock his teeth out. I told him that was impossible since he had such a hard head. It's more likely that my foot would get injured from hitting his bald—"

"My what?" Ikkaku said from somewhere behind us.

"He said you looked like Mr. Clean, that you can't even grow chest hair, and that you were born bald," I lied.

"What?" Ikkaku sounded very malicious so I backed out of range.

Komamura is a smart man (man?) too, he joined me and we watched the fun. It was all the better since Ikkaku was a little drunk so all of his insults were slurred and eventually he just degraded into yells and angry pointing.

Squad 8

Shunsui was pretty much only wearing his haori and a hat. He informed us that he had been wearing less until his lieutenant had thrown him out of his office window. I'm not really sure what character he was supposed to be. He told me he was "the spirit of love", and that spirits don't wear clothing. I pointed out the very, very obvious fact that yes, spirits do wear clothes, but he insisted that "love spirits" don't.

Nanao wasn't wearing anything different than usual. She called herself "an angel of mercy" though, which sounds supremely scary. I imagine that was her intent, at least as far as scaring her captain to keep his clothing on.

Squad 9

I can't believe that Kaname Tosen of all people made me laugh. I laughed so hard that I had to sit down.

"I love your costume," I told him.

"What costume?" he asked with a frown.

Someone else had pranked him then. Who? Who had done it? It was so perfect. Just a single giant paper eye taped to his visor to make him a cyclops. I know that his lieutenant wouldn't do it, so who did? I owe them a drink.

Shuuhei actually walked up to his captain, looking like he was going to tell him about it, or at least rip it off, but I lured him away with tales of what Rangiku was wearing (which was definitely a worthy distraction).

Shuuhei was dressed as a punk I suppose, wearing a lot of fake piercings, tight leather, and bright green hair.

Squad 10

Captain Hitsugaya was actually adorable. I don't know how many other people knew who he was, but both Rangiku and I know that her captain has a fondness for anime and manga. Following that, it wasn't hard to figure out that he was dressed as Kakashi from the Naruto series. His cute little white hair was tucked behind one of those little headbands, standing straight up, and the outfit itself was pretty accurate but…but Toshiro's just so tiny. It was like a little chibi Kakashi. I imagine that Rangiku took a lot of pictures (I would have if I had thought I could get away with it).

Rangiku herself was dressed as Barbarella. Now I know that no one here knows who that is, but that didn't matter, her "Jane Fonda as a space vixen in see-through plastic" costume was a big success.

Squad 11

Kenpachi said, and I am not kidding, that he was dressed as a pirate. He looked exactly the same as always, and he didn't crack a grin when he said it. I looked right into his eye patch, opened my mouth to say something, and then closed my mouth and decided to take him at his word.

Yachiru was…colorful. It looks like she had wandered into a costume shop and put on every outfit she liked all at once. She had cowboy boots, devil horns, feathery angel wings, a ballerina totu, military face paint, long white opera gloves, and a cat tail (I guess cats were big this year).

"Candy!" she said as she jumped at me.

I was ready for her attack however and dodged, throwing the candy high into the hair, where she jumped up and got each piece before it fell.

"What are you supposed to be, my dear?" I asked her as she starting inhaling her sweets.

"I'm a candy monster!" she explained.

Squad 12

You have to think to yourself; what could Captain Kurotsuchi be that would be more terrifying than his usual form? And yet, I was still shocked.

He came…normal.

Like, completely normal. He even acted normal and spoke normal and didn't have an ear made out of wires. He wore no makeup or headpieces, he made no threats, and his nails had been trimmed (and de-poisoned?)

It was creepy in a way I hadn't anticipated.

Nemu, however, came as a robot. She came as such a realistic robot that I have to wonder…I mean, what is she, really? Mayuri always says he can just repair her, and acts like she's not really a person so…

I kept getting closer, trying to figure out what was makeup and special effects and what might actually be her, but it turns out that Mayuri trusts me about as much as I trust him.

I got poisoned…again. But not from his creepy nails, so that's good.

Squad 13

Captain Ukitake may have pulled off the most traditionally creepy costume, as a ghost. He had been sick, so he was gaunt looking and pale, and he let his hair loosely hang loosely over his face. He had drawn dark circles around his eyes and was wearing all white. The kicker though was the kido. He actually used kido to hide his feet from sight, effortless gliding across the floor.

I think he should have gone farther and put a chain in his chest, but maybe he thought that would be in poor taste.

Kaien was wearing a long cloak, and was looking fairly dapper. What I asked him about his costume, he opened his mouth to reveal a convincely sharp and elongated pair of canines. "I'm a vampire," he said. "Get it," he pointed to his captain.

I think I laughed harder than I did at Kaname, because at least Captain Ukitake obviously has a sense of humor about things.

Ulquiorra: I don't get that last part. Why was it funny that he was a vampire?

Orihime: Because his captain is always spitting up blood.

Ulquiorra: What's a vampire again?

Orihime: It's a creature that is a man but can change into a bat and…uh…you don't drink blood do you?