A/N: Okay, so this is probably installment three in my 'France Becomes a Pop-star' series. It really was just supposed to be this one but The Key of Awesome on YouTube made those other song parodies that were just begging to be written.
This one is about England, however, so please enjoy.
Disclaimer- Hetalia doesn't belong to me and neither does this song parody or the original 'Tik Tok' for that matter. Also, this is meant to be for random purposes only, so please regard it as such.
"Mrm... What?" Grassy green eyes open up but shut back closed when they are blinded by bright light. "Ah, me head..." Arthur Kirkland (the gentlemanly nation of England) groans as he tries to open his eyes once more. This time he succeeded and saw that he was in a bathroom. Luckily it was his bathroom (if the needlepoint doilies were any indication). "What the hell?" He looked around, seeing that he was lying in the bathtub. With a brief movement of his hand, he found a small mirror and looked inside of it.
"Bloody hell..." He hissed as he saw himself; sweaty, flushed, glassy, blood-shot eyes, messier than usual hair and wrinkled, dirty clothing... He had been on a bender last night. "Damn it, didn't I realize that I have work this morning?" Arthur groaned out, dropping the mirror. It was most likely his brothers (Scotland- Paul Kirkland and Ireland- Richard Kirkland) who had convinced him to go out. England groaned out, singing,
"Wake up in the mornin',
Lookin' greener than Shrek..." At that moment, who should barge into the bathroom but said ogre and his wife. He looked around before asking,
"Where's that donkey?" Arthur groaned before pointing in a certain direction.
"Thank you so much, England!" Fiona bowed slightly. "Oh, and feel better, okay?" When the two ogres were gone, Arthur tried to get out of the tub. He managed to sit up on the rim and felt the most horrible crick in his neck. Twisting and turning his head until he heard a 'crack', he added,
"Sleepin' in a tub can really
Fuck up your neck!" England tried to get to his feet, succeeding and almost making it to the door when he felt an all too familiar queasiness in his stomach. He ran back to the toilet, lifted the lid, and proceeded to puke his guts out. When he was done, he sang,
"Before I leave I stop and vomit up," He looked at the mess in the bowl,
"Tequila and glitter." Arthur groaned and grabbed a tissue to wipe his mouth, muttering,
"It seems like I'm spendin' every mornin'
With me head in the shitter..."
With another groan, Arthur walks out of the bathroom and into the adjoining bedroom. Luckily a certain Frog wasn't there and he was able to get a change of clothes without being molested. With another sigh, England walked back into the bathroom and started up the shower.
"Got vomit up in me hair..." "Hair?!" Arthur groans before wiping a hand in his usually blonde hair and feeling the sticky mess. "Ugh!" He shakes his head before grabbing the shampoo and doing his best to wash himself down.
Later, now out of the shower and drying himself off, England is getting dressed. He still has a pounding headache, but it couldn't be bothered; he had to get to work at Parliament. "But I'm way too sick to care... care..." He whines, lacing up his boots.
Deciding that he looks gentlemanly presentable, Arthur begins to walk towards the staircase. He makes it to the first step and trips on a small, wooden horse. "Now I'm fallin' down the stairs?!" "OW! OH! FUCK! DAMN IT!! SHIT! CRAP!!" Finally, when he made it to the last step, Arthur groans in pain. Right before said wooden horse falls and hits him in the head. "Ow! Damn it Peter..."
"I pull myself off the floor, floor..." He shakes his head as he gets to his feet. Coincidentally, his suitcase is near the staircase. The blonde picks it up and walks towards the kitchen...
Where he is greeted with a bit of a surprise...
"Huh?" He blinked, large eyebrows raised. There, at his dining table, were his sons (America- Alfred, Canada- Matthew, and Australia- Stephen), Alfred's evil, sociopathic lover Russia- Ivan, and his own lover France (why did that bloody Frog Francis look so upset..?). He was confused but simply moved to grab some bread on his way out, singing,
"And I'm almost out the door...door...", when Alfred grasped his hand. "But my family is waitin' for me..?"
"Iggy? We need to talk." Arthur flinched as he looked around again. The calm expressions... the unexpected gathering... the lack of booze on the shelves! "Come on Iggy, it's just a little talk and--" England pulled his hand away, yelling,
"Oh crap!! Not again!!
It's an intervention!!"
"Aw, crikey..." Steve huffed as his dad began over-reacting. Just as everyone was about to start talking, Arthur protested,
"It's cool, I'm fine!!
I can stop at anytime!!" Just then, he noticed that he had a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He chuckled nervously before tossing the bottle away and giving a nervous smile towards the group. Matthew shook his head, singing,
"That's a lie,
You won't try..." Alfred then jumped in with,
"Now you've made our mother cry,
Look!" The 'heroic' nation pointed to France, who then, clutching onto his handkerchief, sobbed,
Oh-Oh~Oh!" Arthur shook his head, walking towards the door and singing,
"I'm out of here!
This is queer!!
I just drink a couple beers--!!" Abruptly, Francis grasped his hand. "What the hell?!" The romantic nation was on the floor, sobbing,
We love you!!" Just then, the door opened revealing China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong.
"The Asians are here to help too!!" Yao (China) wagged his finger disapprovingly,
"This pattern needs to end, aru." England gulped before choking,
"I think I'm gonna spew..!" He immediately went for the closest space, a pot of soup that France had been cooking, and vomited into it.
Later that afternoon, everyone is crowded into Arthur's living room. The gentlemanly nation is being forced to sit on a couch, but he's clutching the pot from earlier just in case he has to puke again. He sighs, "So I decide to stay,
Though me head is still reeling..." He looks around, noticing that it's like a World Conference is being held in his house!! So many nations were here just because they though he needed help and-- Oh crap, was that Nigeria?! "She's probably here for more child-support for Port Harcourt ( 1 )..."
Eventually, everyone was sitting down and talking to England about just how harmful his actions were. "Then they all go down the line,
Talkin' 'bout their feelings..." England huffs, almost wanting to puke again.
Finland gets Peter to walk over and, after he is handed a piece of paper, the small nation begins to speak (not even making an effort not to read off the paper), "It makes me sad, when I see you brush your teeth with Jack..." Peter sniffles and adds, "Also, you borrowed my old bike and never gave it back!!"
Austria walks over and demands, "Stop showing off your butt!" He points to England's sagging pants, "Butt!" Canada stood and held up a picture of Scotland and Ireland at Oktoberfest with Prussia.
"And quit hanging out with those sluts!" Canada tore the picture in two, "Sluts!" Russia leaned over and poked at England's stomach, chuckling,
"And you're starting to get a beer-gut..."
"Beer-gut!" Nigeria added, just to be mean. Finally, Thailand walked over and spoke, very calmly, like a doctor,
"This behavior is a dead end...
And Ringo Starr is not your friend..." The Asian nation brought out a picture of a very familiar celebrity.
"You'll end up like Amy Winehouse.
W-w-w-w- Winehouse!!" Arthur jumped up, pushing everyone away and yelling,
"This is whack!!
I feel trapped!!" Korea walked over and smiled,
"We want the old England back!" Arthur shoved him away, yelling,
"Screw you, Yong Soo!!
And your Asian family, too!!", he added the last part upon seeing Yong Soo crash into the other Asian nations. France walked up, teary-eyed, and whimpered,
"Hey, you don't have to shout!
We're just trying to help you out!!" Then everyone began crying (or some of them were really good at faking it),
England frowned and groaned before yelling, "Okay, you have to know!!
This is just a show, you know?!" Everyone was confused but Arthur added,
"I may drink but not in sinks!!
It's what the people should think!"
"It's a ploy?" Germany asked. England nodded,
"Yes!! It's all an act! And, in fact," The gentlemanly nation pulled out a scroll of paper and showed it to everyone, "It's even in my contract!!" Everyone read the paper, singing,
Oh! We didn't know!"
After that, everyone had a good laugh and France and Spain offered to make dinner. Just before they all filed into the dining room when he felt that queasiness again. "Oh God..." He grabbed the pot and took it with him.
( 1 ) Port Harcourt is the place to be when it comes to Nigeria. The center of culture, education, entertainment… So, I like to think of it as a nice collaboration between the two countries.
I hope everyone got a good laugh out of this. Please enjoy… Oh, and review please!