Title: Tissues, Drunks, and… Hercules?

Summary: Riza's sick, Havoc's having withdrawal symptoms, Hughes is drunk, Fury found another dog, and Roy's… Roy. All in all, it's just another day at the office.

Rating: T, for minor cursing, drinking, innuendoes, smoking, and… yeah.

Length: Not long enough XD

Dedication: Brittany! Because she hasn't been dedicated to yet!

Disclaimer: In the beginning, God created heaven and earth and that was coo. Then he created Fullmetal Alchemist and that was cooler. Then he realized it wasn't cool enough yet because Roy and Riza hadn't made out yet. And that was not cool. So then he created fanfiction, and that was coolest. So unless I'm Light Yagami, or Aizen, I can't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Riza reached miserably for another tissue as she watched the prancing dog. She was sick, again for the first time in a few months, and she was tired of having a stuffy nose, tired of having sore eyes, and tired of the Colonel pissing her off with his remarks about how much hotter she would look in a miniskirt.

The last remark had not gone without her taking out her gun, and he decided not to test those waters again.

But still. She had to deal with Hughes whining about how awesome Alicia and Gracia were, had to deal with Black Hayate going starry-eyed over the dog Fury found, and then finally, and to tell Havoc to take the cigarettes out of the office when he set off the fire alarm.

After that, she had to deal with Hughes' annual, Take Your Daughter to Work Day, which then led to Alicia hugging King Bradley in front of everyone. Needless to say, Hughes nearly had a heart attack when his beloved daughter hugged a homunculus, and because of this, Riza was chosen to take him to the nurse. After taking him to the nurse, she had to listen to him talk in his sleep about… guess what? His beautiful daughter, his lovely wife, and how cute Alicia was.

He just wouldn't shut up.

However, he was pretty good about being quiet when she shot the wall with her gun a few times, so eventually, she managed to convince him that silence was blessed.

All in all, it hadn't been a very good week.

Snuffling through her runny nose, Riza reached for another tissue, yet again, as her phone rang. With a groan, she picked it up, mumbling into the receiver.

"'lo?" was the most she could get out of her sore, congested through.

"Riza! You up for some clubbing?" Colonel Roy Mustang's voice cheerfully reached her ears, and she groaned as much as she was able too.

"Sir, you know that I don't go clubbing," she explained through her awful runny nose, before bursting into a fit of coughing. "With all due respect, sir, I'm sick, and I can't go much of anywhere."

"Hughes and I were taking Havoc and Fury out, in celebration of convincing Ross to wear a miniskirt!" Mustang told her cheerfully, and Riza choked on the medicine she had been inhaling down as quickly as possible.

"What?" she managed to gasp out.

"Lieutenant, we wouldn't really do that!" Mustang said cheerfully. "I guess I'll have to order you to come with us as soon as you're better, or get Hughes to do it!"

In the background of Roy's phone, Riza could hear someone speaking. "Aw, Roy!" he groaned. "She'd shoot me! And think of Alicia! Would you want her growing up without Daddy because of you?"

"Ignore the Lieutenant Colonel," Roy seemed to be forcing a smile. "Gotta go stop Hughes from destroying my plants!"

"Ah, shit, I totally killed the plants!" she heard the slurred words as the phone went dead.

Riza shook her head and curled up on her couch, tangling her legs with the blanket. She managed to drift into sleep between the hacking and sneezing, for a few hours.

When three quick, precise knocks came on the Lieutenant's door, she really didn't want to answer. However, she had no choice when she heard who was on the other side of the door.

"Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye! Open this door immediately, under the orders of Lieutenant Colonel Hughes and Colonel Mustang!" Riza tried to ignore that voice, as she rolled over and buried her face in the pillow below her. Maybe if she ignored him, he would just go away, even if it went against her training and character to disobey a direct order from the Colonel. "I know you're in there, and I want this door open now! I'll burn it open if I have to!"

Riza really liked the door the way it was, so she had no choice but to stagger out of her bed and pull the latched piece of wood open. "Colonel," she began stuffily as she blew into a tissue, glaring sullenly at him. "I am sick and I cannot risk infecting a superior officer with a contagious and possible harmful disease."

"Nonsense!" Hughes roared, shoving Roy out of the way as he entered. "We were going clubbing, but then we decided to come and cheer you up!"

Riza glared at the officer, before turning to Mustang. "Sir, is he drunk?" she asked, sliding slightly away from the man, who was singing odes and praises to his wife and daughter.

"It's hard to tell with him," Mustang stared at Hughes suspiciously, as though he expected the man to start tearing the place apart if either of them turned away for a moment. "We also brought Havoc and Fury with us, but they ran off to find Hercules."

"Hercules?" Riza asked warily, and Mustang nodded.

"It looks like Fury found a companion for Black Hayate. He seemed to want to name him someone… worthy of sounding strong, so he named him Hercules. It seems as though Hercules is a girl though, so we think he should change it," Roy grinned cockily at Riza, but she didn't respond to his baiting. Instead, she just nodded and blew her nose loudly.

"Riza!" Hughes laughed drunkenly, staggered forward to hug her. The Lieutenant gasped in indignation, and struggled free. "You look just like my Gracia when there are two of you!"

Needless to say, she didn't see fit to return an answer to him. Instead, she just blew her nose in sorrow as the doorbell rang again.

"Oh, Riza!" she heard Havoc shout. "Open the door!"

The Lieutenant glowered at the door. She wasn't going to let Havoc in, because although he was an old friend, he was of lower rank. That meant that he couldn't give her orders. If he couldn't give her orders, then she didn't have to let him in.

So there.

"Let him in Riza!" Hughes slurred and Riza visibly stiffened, grabbing another tissue as she was swallowed by a fit of sneezing.

"Sir," Riza flinched at calling the drunken man 'sir'. "Lieutenant Colonel Hughes!" she jumped back as he stumbled forward to hug her. Again. "I must ask that you follow protocol and not-" she jumped for the tissue box as she began to sneeze again.

"Don't worry! We're out of the-" for a second, Hughes paused and tried to remember what he had been saying. "Out of the…. Out of the… Out of the office, officer!"

"Let him in," Roy sprawled lazily on the couch, watch his Lieutenant stand miserably in the center of her room.

Orders were orders. Riza barely avoided stomping to the door like a child, and yanked it open, glaring at Havoc, who glared straight back.

"Can I-" he began.

"No," Riza snapped.


"No. Smoking is bad for your health."

"Pl-" he began.

"No!" Riza broke into another sneezing fit, and flopped onto her sofa, throwing an arm over her face. "If anyone else comes in, and if anyone touches anything, I am holding you personally responsible, sir," Riza growled. "Now leave me alone to take a nap."

Needless to say, they didn't.

"Oh, and sir?" she asked quietly.

"Yes Riza?" Roy's voice was sugary sweet.

"I already bought a coffin your size."

Riza woke up, feeling like she had jumped straight into a bad dream.

They were still there.

Roy was slung lazily over the couch like a cat, Havoc and Hughes were… she didn't want to know what they were up to, but it sounded like they were…

She shuddered.

They were discussing who would win in a battle- Armstrong or Winry.

It was too awful to think about, but they were.

"He would rip off his shirt and she would die from the sight!" Hughes protested, but Havoc shook his head.

"No! She would just throw her wrench at him!"

"But it would bounce right off his muscles!"

"And she would use automail to rip through the muscles!"

"Hey Riza," Roy grinned from where he sat on the other sofa. "I can get them to stop drinking, if you promise to do a favor."

"What? I'll do anything, sir!" Riza could have fainted from relief. She had just woken up and a headache was nagging at her.

"Promise?" Roy asked, turning his face slightly away from Riza so she couldn't see his leer.

"Yes, sir!" she would have saluted, but she was forced to grab some more tissues as she began to sneeze once more.

"But by then, Winry wouldn't have a shirt, so-"

"And Ed would kill the Major!"

"But still, Winry would have no shirt and-"

"Alright. Havoc! Hughes!" Roy barked at the two drunks, and they blinked at him.

"Sir?" they slurred good-naturedly, and Roy could have taken a drink from their bottle at his good luck.

"Out of the door! Clean the apartment! Not in that order! I want this place spotless, and you two better not pass out before you're done!" Roy barked, watching Havoc suspiciously. "Havoc, get your hand away from the cigarette pack!"

"You are cruel!" Havoc growled, but left them anyway and began to assist Hughes.

Roy watched them leave, and surveyed the apartment. It was relativity clean, so he nodded and turned to Riza. "Now about that promise…" Roy began, checking to make sure that there was no gun in sight.

Riza looked up at him, thankfully, and blew heavily into another tissue. At this rate, she was going to need to buy a store's worth. "Sir?" she asked, realizing what he might want…

"I think I can have a miniskirt ready for you by Monday, and in just the right size to see-" Roy was cut off rather suddenly in his opinion.

"Sir!" her voice came out in a squeak. "I must protest! Please forgive me, but I could never wear such a thing!"

All in all, it was business as usual.


Author's Note

This was a crack fic. It came out of nowhere. It was never edited, and because of it's crackiness, it never will be. I was sick when I wrote this one, so I hope you didn't expect much. As a member of the Miniskirt Army, I had to include miniskirt jokes as well.

And yes, my other Royai was better.