Disclaimer: Hi, Paramount! Oh no, I'm not doing this for cash. What, you don't believe me and would I please explain the concept of "writing for enjoyment to you"? I guess I should have seen this coming, as your script writing didn't exactly reflect your love for your characters. What do you mean, you want to sue me and could I please keep still for the police officer to handcuff me? I'LL KICK YOUR-- (Sadly, the recording ends with a lot of foul language and screaming, not suitable for anyone under the age of 47.)

Author's note: I'm officially freaked out now. Never thought I'd venture this far into Kerry's territory and actually try my hand at writing a PADD story. Normally I wouldn't have done it either (seeing as I repeatedly stated I wouldn't do it), but Kerry requested I write a specific story for her, and I already was at a loss three paragraphs into the first draft (which wasn't PADD at all). Then I went to take long, hot bath which I spent reading Fiona Walker's latest novel which reads like one of Kerry's PADD stories (I swear, those two ARE related somehow. Name, style, humor - everything is very scarily alike). An idea immediately began to form in my mind and the rest, as they say, is history. So without further ado, but Kerry's permission, may I present my first and last PADD story ever...

Rated: PG-13

PADDicament

by Caffey

From: Kathryn Janeway, Captain
To: B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 1609 hours

Lieutenant Torres,

I require your technical insight on a pressing matter. Upon the completion of trade arrangements, I have been given an unusual gift whose function eludes me. Seeing as I would prefer to refrain from causing a misunderstanding with the Prime Minister when he beams on board, I would appreciate your opinion on the object.
I included a three-dimensional holo-picture and the result of the computer's analysis that I have run prior to contacting you. However, should you need to see the object for yourself, you can come by my Ready Room at your earliest convenience.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

Attachment:
gift.hpc
analysis.txt


From: B'Elanna Torres, stumped Chief Engineer
To: Kathryn Janeway, Captain
Time Sent: 1652 hours

Captain,

I can see how that gift might have thrown you for a loop. I'm afraid I can't figure out its function either, without taking a look at it. It's unlike anything I've ever seen before, save a building block. Somehow I'm convinced that the solution isn't that simple, though.
I'll be with you in five minutes.

B'Elanna Torres


From: Kathryn Janeway, Captain and highest Starfleet authority in the DQ
To: B'Elanna Torres, dead meat in training
Time Sent: 1734 hours

B'Elanna,

I'll personally wring your neck and bust you down to crewman if you do so much as breathe a word to anyone. Not necessarily in that order. It's embarrassing enough to know just what kind of gift I've been given, without my senior staff smirking at me. Or, worse yet, your smart-ass husband making flippant remarks.
I can't believe that I'm required to display it in a prominent location when the Prime Minister visits.
Kill me now.

Kathryn Janeway


From: B'Elanna Torres, who values her life
To: Kathryn Janeway, one scary commanding officer
Time Sent: 1740 hours

Captain,

I may have suffered from temporary insanity when I married Tom, but I'm not that dense. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, and I'm sure no one will suspect anything; it does look like a building block, after all.
Have you tested its functionality yet?

B'Elanna


From: Kathryn Janeway, who can't believe she's discussing this topic at all
To: B'Elanna Torres, who is treading on thin ice
Time Sent: 1758 hours

B'Elanna,

Shut.
Up.

Captain Janeway


From: B'Elanna Torres, who seems to have hit a nerve
To: Kathryn Janeway, seemingly one pissy Captain
Time Sent: 1803 hours

Captain,

I'll take that as a no.

B'Elanna


From: Kathryn Janeway, Captain USS Voyager NCC-74656
To: B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 1807 hours

Lieutenant,

If you do not cease your indecent behavior, I will be forced to put an official reprimand in your records. Do I make myself clear?

Captain Kathryn Janeway


From: B'Elanna Torres, who has a relapse of temporary insanity
To: Kathryn Janeway, whose mood swings can't be normal
Time Sent: 1815 hours

Captain,

I'm looking forward to reading your reason for doing so. 'Lieutenant Torres had the indecency to inquire about my sex toy' doesn't read too well when you think about it. Not to mention that you swore me to secrecy only forty-one minutes ago, and an official reprimand would rise a lot of questions which I know you don't want to hear in the first place.
You were saying?

B'Elanna


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: B'Elanna Torres, Resident Gutter Rat
Time Sent: 1829 hours

B'Elanna,

You've spent too much time with that husband of yours, his weasely way of thinking has obviously rubbed off on you. I've never thought you capable of blackmailing a superior officer.

Kathryn Janeway


From: B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer with many talents
To: Kathryn Janeway, who's still evading the original question
Time Sent: 1900 hours

Captain,

Never underestimate an Academy drop-out turned Maquis turned Starfleet officer. I do, however, resent your suggestion that Tom's responsible. I don't need a man to teach me anything.
Which brings us full circle: Will you test your 'gift' anytime soon?

B'Elanna


From: Kathryn Janeway, who is close to roaring in frustration
To: B'Elanna Torres, S.A.D.
Time Sent: 1912 hours

B'Elanna,

I'm not that desperate.

Kathryn Janeway


From: B'Elanna Torres
To: Kathryn Janeway, whose quarters are hopefully soundproof
Time Sent: 1914 hours

Yet.


From: Kathryn Janeway, Captain
To: Chakotay, Commander
Time Sent: 1933 hours

Chakotay,

I'm afraid I can't join you for dinner, as something important has come up which I have to deal with now. Can we put it off till tomorrow?

Thanks,
Kathryn


From: Chakotay
To: Kathryn Janeway
Time Sent: 1941 hours

Kathryn,

Anything I can help you with?
It would be shame to waste this delicious meal. We can eat in your quarters if that's more convenient.

Chakotay


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: Chakotay
Time Sent: 1946 hours

Chakotay,

It's nothing I can't handle on my own.
And I'm not hungry. Besides which, it's replicated dinner - you can easily dispose of it without really wasting anything. The recipe will still be part of the replicator programming tomorrow evening.

See you on alpha shift,
Kathryn


From: Chakotay, Commander
To: B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant
Time Sent: 2001 hours

B'Elanna,

I've just been stood up for dinner, and I believe it's your fault. Whatever you and the Captain were discussing in the Ready Room today, she's been subdued ever since. Care to tell me what's going on?

Chakotay


Original Message: Chakotay, Commander
FWD From: B'Elanna Torres
To: Kathryn Janeway
Time Sent: 2003 hours

B'Elanna,

I've just been stood up for dinner, and I believe it's your fault.
Whatever you and the Captain were discussing in the Ready Room today, she's
been subdued ever since. Care to tell me what's going on?

Chakotay

What the hell do I tell him?

B'Elanna


From: B'Elanna Torres, who is getting impatient
To: Kathryn Janeway, the real S.A.D.
Time Sent: 2013 hours

Captain?


From: B'Elanna Torres, Innocent Bystander
To: Chakotay, who is seeing things that aren't there
BCC: Kathryn Janeway
Time Sent: 2020 hours

Chakotay,

I fail to see how that is my fault, so leave me out of it. If the Captain cancels dinner, she will have her reasons for doing so. Reasons that don't involve me. Why do you think that anyway? It's not exactly unusual for a captain and chief engineer to discuss ship's business on duty.

B'Elanna


From: Chakotay
To: B'Elanna Torres
Time Sent: 2032 hours

B'Elanna,

Innocent, my foot. You seem to be forgetting that I've known you longer than anyone else on this ship. You're as far as from innocent as can be. Besides which, I happen to know that normal ship's business requires a report that eventually ends up on my desk. Either you're running late with yours, or something is going on.

Chakotay


Original message: Chakotay FWD From: B'Elanna Torres, who could use some help
To: Kathryn Janeway, AWOL
Time Sent: 2036 hours

B'Elanna,

Innocent, my foot. You seem to be forgetting that I've known you longer
than anyone else on this ship. You're as far as from innocent as can be.
Besides which, I happen to know that normal ship's business requires a
report that eventually ends up on my desk. Either you're running late with
yours, or something is going on.

Chakotay

Captain,

I'll blame this on you if you don't help me out. There's only so many things I can do to keep up this subterfuge, but writing a report on non-existent warp core problems isn't one of them.

B'Elanna


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: B'Elanna Torres
Time Sent: 2043 hours

B'Elanna,

I'll deal with it. You keep your mouth shut. Understood?

Kathryn Janeway


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: Chakotay, one suspicious man
Time Sent: 2048 hours

Chakotay,

Stop harassing my Chief Engineer, would you?

Kathryn


From: B'Elanna Torres, who is grateful but nosy
To: Kathryn Janeway, who'd better spill the beans
Time Sent: 2048 hours

Captain,

Nice to know you're still alive. Judging by how long it took you to respond, I'm assuming your 'gift' is fully functional and satisfactory. I'm still waiting for an answer, you know.
As for Chakotay, I'm beginning to think that he's got too much time on his hands on duty. For someone who is supposed to be manning the bridge in your absence, he's rather perceptive when it comes to your moods.

B'Elanna


From: Chakotay, First Officer and Ex-Maquis
To: Kathryn Janeway, who is hiding something
Time Sent: 2055 hours

Kathryn,

Either you're psychic, or B'Elanna has been talking to you. I'm leaning towards the latter. What in the hell is going on? Both of you are at your oddest behavior, and if I didn't know better, I'd say that you're keeping a secret from me. Come to think of it, I don't know better.

Chakotay


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: Chakotay
Time Sent: 2100 hours

B'Elanna,

Never assume. Contrary to public belief, I'm not sex-deprived, though why I'm telling you this is beyond me. In any case, I don't need an alien sex toy to enjoy my evenings. For your information, I was taking a long, hot bubble bath.

Kathryn Janeway


From: Kathryn Janeway
To: B'Elanna Torres, don't you have a husband to keep you preoccupied?
Time Sent: 2100 hours

Chakotay,

I'll have you know that I'm not behaving oddly. I simply changed my mind about dinner - woman's prerogative. And you, Mister, are imagining things. Just because I canceled on you doesn't mean anything has to be going on. Remember, the ship comes first.
How about I make it up to tomorrow? I still owe you a full body massage for your latest excellent performance. Never knew what naughty things one could do with ice-cream. I'm still somewhat sore...

Kathryn


From: B'Elanna Torres, whose eyes have grown to the size of saucers
To: Kathryn Janeway, Queen of all things ice-cream
Time Sent: 2105 hours

Too much information!!!


From: Chakotay, who is laughing his ass off
To: Kathryn Janeway, Captain and in need of glasses
Time Sent: 2109 hours

Kathryn,

An alien sex toy? Naughty, naughty. So that's why you cancelled dinner. If you need to indulge in some fun activities, my door is always open for you. All you have to do is bring a bottle of wine and a smile - clothes are optional.

Your Intrigued Maquis Lover


From: Kathryn Janeway, Captain and don't you forget it
To: B'Elanna Torres, mere Lieutenant and don't you forget that either
Time Sent: 2110 hours

Lieutenant Torres,

Consider yourself under orders to delete the message I just sent to you, and erase all evidence of it ever having been sent in the first place. And while you're at it, forget you got it. Bang your head on the desk, have the Doctor erase your short term memory if necessary. I don't care how you do it, but consider the consequences if you don't.
No one can hear you scream in space.

Captain Kathryn Janeway


From: Kathryn Janeway, who is somewhat in a rush
To: Chakotay, my one and only sex toy
Time Sent: 2115 hours

I'll bring the ice-cream...

The End

S.A.D. = Seriously Abnormal Desperado

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Story copyrighted © 2001 by Jana "Caffey" Prillwitz