Nobody Dies: Demonic Cannon Girl Nana


It was seven o'clock on a perfectly normal day, in a perfectly normal city, in a perfectly normal country.

Getting out of bed, this perfectly normal girl, with her red eyes and blue hair, put got dressed in her perfectly normal school uniform, as the light streamed in through the curtains, and went downstairs to have a perfectly normal breakfast.

"Hai!" shouted her brother, as he tossed a loaf of bread into the air. The razor-like cuts from his ancient, demon-cursed family sword (which was on fire) both sliced the bread, and toasted it

"Rrraww!" commented her father, as he read the newspaper.

Did I mention that they were a perfectly normal family of devil-blooded ninja. And that her father was a bear? I'm sure I must have. Just... don't ask me how she and her siblings were conceived. Really, don't. You don't want to know the vile depravities that her parents inflicted on each other in pursuit of their dark lusts; the blasphemous rituals of consensual sex in the missionary position for reproductive purposes.

"Good morning, Nana," said her mother, a perfectly normal woman in a blood-stained apron, carrying a chainsword axe. Which was also on fire. But the fire was... like, red and green, with these bright white bits in it. "How did you sleep?"

"Have you ever lain there awa~aaake, wondering what your purpose is in life, and stuff?" asked Nana.

"Rrrrawwww!" commented her father.

"Of cooo~ooourse, Dad!" yelled Nana, running up to, appropriately, give her father a bear hug. "You always know how to cheer me up." And with that, she left the house, and skipped off to school.

But it was fate, the cruel and unyielding whims of the Moriae, which dictated which an utterly contrived set of circumstances I can't be bothered to mention here ensured that she found herself in a back alley, staring at a little blue kitten with red eyes.

"Aww!" said Nana, clutching her hands to her chest, as the little kitten washed itself. "You're soo~ooo cute!"

"I kno~ooow! It's ree~eeally awesome," replied the kitten, as she began to lick her leg. "I mean, I'm ree~eeally cute, and I've got really sharp teeth and claws, and I can breathe fire, and I have laser eyes which are awesome. Ooooh! And I can turn back into a girl, because I was only cursed by a eee~eeevil witch, who cursed me with the awesome powers of radioactive eyebeams and the ability to claw through anythii~iiing."

There was a sound like escaping steam from our brave heroine, "Eyebeams! That's soo~ooo awesome! I want eyebeams!" she squealed.

"It's going to be awesome!"

"You mean I get eyebeams?" Nana squealed.

"Uh huh!"

"Yaaa~aaay!" Nana picked up the little kitten, and swung her around. "I love you so much! I'm going to call you Zyuu!"

"What a coincidence! That is my name!" The kitten also began to squeal in happiness.

Nana suddenly looked sad. "Oh. But we're not allows pets where we live. That makes me unhappy. I am sad because I cannot keep you as a pet."

The kitten gave a tiny thumbs up. "Ooooh, it's fine. One of my powers allows me to maa~aagically turn into a maid. Look!" And, true to its word, the kitten turned into a blue-haired, red-eyed girl, in a really, really short French maid's outfit.

"Yay!" Nana paused. "But when do I get the eyebeams!"

"I was getting to that," the maid pouted. "Brave Princess Nana, you are one of the chosen few. You are one of the Righteous Energetic Envoys." Mysteriously triumphant music began to play in the background. "Few are their number. They are chosen, not made. Apart from me, 'cause I'm one of us, and also a maid. And I guess we're also made, because we have superpowers, and normal people don't. So we're actually made, not chosen, and I'm a maid. Right."

"Zyuu..." muttered Nana.

The maid pulled a small, egg-shaped crystal out from somewhere. It felt warm and a little bit sticky in Nana's hands... obviously the resplendent power of a noble heart and true destiny heating it, and leaking out, and not at all a consequence of the fact that kittens don't have pockets. "Raise this above your head, and recite your incantation. As one of the Righteous Energetic Envoys, an incantation will come naturally to you." Zyuu paused. "Oh no," she added. "A monster has come. Quick, you need to save the city."

"Oh no!" said Nana. "But I am only an untrained girl. However can I fight this monster on my own?"

"Oh no! If this isn't going to work, then we are all doomed."

"Oh no!" said a random, completely not-involved stranger with blue hair and red eyes. "The monster has grabbed a baby, and has just eaten it. If only we had someone to save us!"

"Oh no!

"Oh yeah!" yelled the building sized demon, its ice-like skin containing a thick red fluid which looked like blood, as it smashed through a skyscraper. "I am monster! I kill you all!"

As a soft, gentle melody filled the background, Nana felt her hair blow in the wind. "Stop, evildoer!" she yelled, raising the stone above her head. "I will slay you!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Monster not understand!" the monster rumbled, before it screamed in pain, as Zyuu shot it with her radioactive laser beam eyes.

"Come oo~ooon," said Zyuu. "Incantation!"

Drawing on her energy deep within her soul, with resolute mind and transcendental, squamous, rugose and Cyclope... uh, I mean, generous, kind and loving heart, Nana closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were blazing with the light of her brilliant soul.

"I REALLY LOVE TO BLOW THINGS UP!" she screamed to the heavens.

There was a brilliant flare of light, and she found herself holding a vast, complicated device. Odd steam jets vented out the side. A red glow emanated from the barrel. Six protrusions revolved around it. And Nana's clothes changed, too. No longer was she wearing a school uniform. Now, what she wore looked a little like a miniskirt, a little like something with very large shoulderpads, and a lot like a suit of medieval armour, mysteriously altered to have a low cut front, and bare the midriff.

"This is the Ma-hou, the Demonic Cannon!" shouted Zyuu, over the very loud music in the background. "But to bind it to yourself, you must give it its own name!"

Nana grinned. "I'm callin' it 'Cain'!" she said, with a too-wide grin. "Hold still!" she yelled at the monster, pointing the demonic weapon at the foe, and squeezing the trigger.

"Monster confused. Why you tell monster..."

And that was when the Ma-hou, Cain, fired.

The blast tore the foe apart, the brilliance blinding with the purity of holy light, which blossomed up into a mushroom cloud, obviously symbolising how new life comes from death, or something. I don't know. Point is, red goo went everywhere.

"Evil monster dead!" yelled Nana.

"Coo~ooool!" yelled Zyuu. "Now, I think it's..."

That was when the Cain fired again.

"Evil house dead!" yelled Nana.

And again.

"Evil school dead!"

Yet again.

"Evil... uh, data storage facility dead!"

Guess what.

"Evil tree dead!"

The screen faded to white.

I know I've made new friends, and stepped into a world I never even dreamed existed. But what will happen now? Who will I meet. I hope I make lots of new friends. But I know that friends will become enemies, enemies will become friends, and whatever happens, I have Cain.

Demonic Cannon Girl Nana will now begin!


The lights came back up in the viewing room in the Reetrix. Nana and Zyuu stood up, to face the others.

"That's the pilot!" yelled Nana, punching a fist in the air. "Baa~aasically, what we're going to do, is, right, each episode, make the explosions ten times bigger."

"It's really cooooo~ool!" yelled Kiko, jumping up to join them. "I'm so doing it too! I can be the fanservice!" She paused. "I mean, right, I hit different buttons than Zyuu, and we can always have mooo~ooore fanservice, right?"

"I know, it's sooo~ooo awesome!" yelled back Zyuu, as the two hugged each other in a manner not quite appropriate.

"Does anyone else have ideas for ideas or things that would be awesome?" asked Nana, over the noise.

"... that is terribly scripted. The dialogue is stilted. There's no hint of character development. The plot makes no sense. There's no sense of challenge. It is, in fact, an extended ego-trip designed for the sole purposes of fanservice and large explosions."

"... ooooo~okay, does anyone else who is not Kei have suggestions for ideas or things that would be awesome?"

"An early boss who uses evil plants, but is beaten and joins the side of good and gets good plants!"

"More ninjas!"

"Close-ups of the Demon Cannon as it fires, and as it cycles, and as it does that whooooooosh venting thing!"

"More fanservice!"

"A sense of verisimilitude."

"I said 'not Kei'!" Nana sighed. "You're still ree~eeally bitter because we tore up that book you were writing about a cursed-girl-who-has-to-live-with-a-condition-which-enslaves-her-and-forces-an-inhuman-mindset-upon-her-which-forces-her-to-do-stuff-she-doesn't-want-to-and-her-valiant-struggles-against-the-evil-within-her-and-her-quest-for-a-one-true-love-who-looks-really-good-in-sunglasses. And stuff."

"... and deleted the back-ups, and broke into my secure sectors, and deleted those back-ups, yes." Kei crossed her arms, pouting slightly.

Hatachi leanded forwards, and patted her on the shoulder. "It wasn't baa~aaad," she told her sister. "I liked the vampires. But... they should have been using more guns, and running in and shooting everyone." She paused. "And the sunglasses would work for that, too, you knoo~oow. Or maybe goggles. And a nice hat."

"You gotta have a nice hat," confirmed Iti.

"Sooo~oooooo, that's agreed then," said Nana. "Filming for 'Demonic Cannon Girl Nana' will now begin. And, you know, if it's awesome enough, we can probably get Little Mommy to get the CGI people to, like, change all the faces, and then show it on TV for ree~eeal!"

There were six squeals of joy, and one sound of a palm colliding with a forehead.