Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry.
A/N: This story is based off a challenge over at Potions And Snitches where the Harry and the gang try to set Snape up with a witch to get him off their back. It also requires that the group designated with finding Snape a witch needs a name like Hermione's SPEW.
Harry Potter, a fifth-year Gryffindor, grumbled loudly as he threw his books against the wall in Gryffindor's common room. He wasn't normally that angry, but after a detention with Severus Snape, resident evil bastard of the dungeons who loved to torture children, who could honestly blame him? It wasn't as if it was his fault he couldn't brew anything right. Snape's little terrorists loved to make sure that Harry seriously botched his potion just so Snape would snarl and hiss like a ticked off cat. Even Harry's Head of House, Minerva McGonagall whose Animagus form was a cat, wouldn't get that upset with Harry over a mistake.
While Harry understood why Snape would be a bit edgy with dozens of adolescents in sniffing distance of dangerous potions, he couldn't understand why he was always the target of Snape's vicious verbal attacks. It wasn't his fault. It was all Draco Malfoy, the supreme arrogant little sod of Slytherin. However, if anyone even mentioned that to the evil bat, that student would receive a night full of removing scales from the nastiest creatures Snape could find, which was what Harry received that night thanks the big mouth of his best friend.
"Hey, mate, you know I'm sorry right?" Ron quietly said as he slowly approached Harry. He only received the evilest glare Harry could manage. "I bet it wouldn't be so bad if Snape had someone else to focus on for a change." Again, Ron received a glare. However, loud footsteps from the stairs behind him made him turn around. Ron sighed as his twin brothers, George and Fred, walked into the common room.
"Thought we heard you, Harry," George said first.
"Yeah, nobody throws books like you," Fred joked. "Another detention with Snape again, Harry?"
"Who else, Fred?" snapped Harry. He wasn't in the mood for those two. At least he wasn't in the mood tonight. Not even the Weasley twins could cheer him up. "The stupid git wants me to write him an essay."
"You know, George, I think our little brother's right. Evil git does need someone else to focus on," Fred said with a smirk. "You know, I bet it's been awhile since the bat's been with one."
"That is if he's ever been with one," George retorted, which made Fred whistle appreciatively.
"Lot of tension there," Fred said, grinning.
"Oh, most definitely," George replied before glancing at Harry and Ron. "Doubt those two would know the first thing to do, though. Don't you agree, Fred?"
"Ah, yes, sadly, you're right. It would solve all our dilemmas with the evil git, though."
"What would?" Harry asked practically on the edge of his seat. He couldn't understand what the twins were talking about, but he knew by their looks that it was going to be good. He nearly pummeled the twins when they shook their fiery red heads at him. "Come on, guys. What would solve our dilemmas with Snape?"
"Should we enlighten our friend here, George?"
"Hmm . . . I don't know . . . might tell Hermione on us," George replied.
"Oh, come on, you two. What is it?" Ron asked.
"Oh, honestly, you two, sometimes I think you are about as dense as a troll. They're talking about setting Professor Snape up with someone to date," Hermione Granger, another Gryffindor, drawled as she glanced up from her heavy Charms textbook while walking into the common room.
"YUCK," exclaimed Harry and Ron simultaneously.
"Does he even know how to date?" Harry asked with a look of disgust.
"He'd probably drink the blood of whomever it was we set him up with," Ron responded. "Or at the very least chop them up into potions ingredients." Both fifth-year Gryffindors then suppressed a shudder. Neither of them would put it past their Potions professor who was practically the shadiest creature that walked the earth. Not even Dementors came close to Snape's level of darkness in his attire and attitude.
"Well, then comes the question of whom we would even get to volunteer for this suicide mission," Harry said as he glanced at Ron. The plan was coming to life in both boys' eyes. Slowly, they nodded at each other. It wouldn't be long before they'd have the perfect woman for their evil and sadistic Potions professor.
"She has to be able to put up with Snape's temper and attitude."
"And his severe lack of colors in his clothing," Hermione chimed in.
"Someone who is a challenge," Ron piped up saying.
"He'd probably want a fellow Slytherin," Fred spoke.
"Hmm . . . and someone who has his hair issues . . ." Fred and George then glanced at each other before their eyes lit up with excitement. "She'd be perfect. Don't you agree, Fred?" His brother nodded once. The twins then turned towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Their smiles widened before they nodded. "She's Slytherin, has hair issues, feisty so she won't put up with his crap, and loves challenges."
"Who, guys?" the Golden Trio asked.
"Professor Aurora Sinistra," Fred replied before the twins laughed manically. "It's so perfect that I don't know why we didn't think about it earlier."
"Only problem is that she's currently with someone," Hermione responded with a roll of her eyes.
"Hermione, Hermione, don't worry about those minor details."
"And tell me what is so minor about the fact that everyone knows that Professor Sinistra is engaged?"
"Yep, still just minor details," Fred replied. He then glanced at Harry and Ron. "You do realize that we're going to have to recruit others into this little scheme of yours. After all, it'd be a bit awkward if people realized that Gryffindor is trying to help Snape with his love life."
"Ah, I have just the plan. We can tell the others in D.A. about our idea and soon we'll have others joining in. It wouldn't be too suspicious since the others already know that Harry's teaching us defense since Umbridge sucks," George said. "However, we can't keep being D.A. for this, though. We need a new name."
"Ooh, what about Organization for Snape's marriage, ORGA.S.M?" Within seconds, the Golden Trio and the twins were laughing hysterically. "Okay, well, we'll come up with a better name later."
"That could be your job, Hermione, since you come up with such great names," George said quietly. "Since we know what Fred will come up with," he added.
"Ooh, what about Committee of Loyal Initiates Making a Xanadu, C.L.I.M.A.X. for short?" The group groaned before throwing the soft pillows at Fred. "Okay, okay, last one . . . Plan: Expressed Actions of Kama Sutra or P.E.A.K.S. for short."
"What's Kama Sutra?" asked a first-year Gryffindor boy who had mistakenly walked in at the most inopportune moment.
"Um . . . well, it's . . . um . . ." George then glanced at Fred. Both twins were bright red before Fred replied.
"It's a book on . . . well . . . on sex, but we've only heard of it. It's not as if we know any of the stuff in it. Right, George?"
"Uh, yeah, sure, um . . . man, I'm tired. Aren't you tired, Fred? Wow! Will you look at the time? Well, see everyone tomorrow." The bright red twins then fled to their dorms. The Gryffindor trio only laughed.