Hi-first try at this-so please review! This is a T rating, but will be M in later chapters. Unusual pairing of characters(Bella and Carlisle)-what would happen if they both were available,... trying to keep as much true to Twilight as possible. Obviously just for readers pleasure-no infringement intended. (PS what is a lemon)

Chapter One: Heartache

It was two months since that fateful day in the woods when Edward left me. Needless to say, I was devastated and some days seemed too much to bear. So many questions; why did he leave me? (well I had at least 100 theories, all based on the fact that I was not good enough for him). A related question, almost equally painful-why did the whole Cullen family leave? I thought I was an integral part of their family? This was just another complete blow to my entire sense of self. They could at the very least check in on me.

The Cullen family had left their home almost intact, furniture and all. They certainly could afford to keep as many homes as they wished on the off chance that they needed to return. I was a bit ashamed of myself, but after about one month of mourning, I found myself drawn to their home-the home in which I had spent so many happy hours. I found an entryway into the home. (actually, I had been given a key that no one remembered to take from me). It might seem self-destructive, but I did return to the home at least twice a week. At first, I spent hours in Edward's room, looking through left-over books and music, and yes, to curl up with a shirt that he had left behind, which was rapidly losing his scent……

I was spending more time with Jacob, and although I knew that this time was more restorative to my health, I still had the immense pull to the Cullen home. How sick was that? As time went on, I closed the door to Edward's room and it no longer drew me in. I spent more time in the living room torturing myself by repeatedly watching "Romeo and Juliet". I mostly told Charlie that I was sleeping over at Angela's house or was visiting Jacob, and he happily accepted my lies. I still suffered the horrendous nightmares, whether I was home or at the Cullen house. It didn't seem to matter, because no one could help me anyway. In fact, I knew that I was keeping Charlie up at night with my blood curdling screams of terror.

Mostly I watched TV or did homework at the Cullen house. I discovered another activity which, although I found embarrassing, seemed to help ease some of the pain and anxiety, namely "self exploration". I found that by pleasuring myself while imagining Edward making love to me was exciting and tension easing, but not really satisfying. As the arc of orgasm overtook me, I would scream "Edward!" to the empty room. As time went on, I was having a harder and harder time visualizing Edward making love to me, and ultimately stopped my "activities" (Oddly, one time I had a flash of Carlisle's face at the point of climax, which made me feel more embarrassed and confused) The only sensual tie to Carlisle that I could think of was a brief exchange of glances we shared after my fateful birthday party which ruined everything I held dear. At some point while Carlisle was removing shattered glass from my arm, we had an odd moment when our eyes locked. There was a strange almost longing expression emanating from his usual peaceful amber colored eyes. His eyes had quickly changed to a bottomless black color (the color of Edward's eyes when he needed to hunt or when he desired me). I also had a very unusual feeling in the pit of my stomach at the time, which I attributed to the sight of my own blood. I attributed his change in eye color to be the result of the horror of the attack by Jasper, or his Carlisle's attraction to my copiously spilling blood. Nonetheless, I was disturbed by the intrusion of Carlisle's face at my most intimate moment. Did it mean anything?