What can I say? I was bored. Enjoy!
E350's Happy Fluffy Reviews of REALLY BAD FANFICS
Review One – 'Spongebob'
Is this thing on?
Uh, is this thing…oh wait, this is text, I can't have a camera. Buggery to heck!
Well, never mind. I'm E350. I'd add a parody of the Nostalgia Critic's intro here, but frankly I can't be stuffed. As seems to be a trend lately, I have decided to try my hand at reviewing things. Contrary to the title, I will not exclusively be reviewing bad fanfic – although there will be a few of those, Sturgeon's Law, people – but also good fanfic, and OK fanfic, and sometimes plain weird fanfic.
Anyway, recently I was just hanging in there, as you do, when the branch broke and I fell out of the tree. Deciding to find something less painful to do, I decided to look at fanfics, and I found a parody. Shocking, right? I read through this fanfic, and I very nearly died. It was not merely bad; it was atrocious, a crime against humanity, a foul deed so terrible it would make Genghis Khan scream in disgust.
It was a Shrek parody – with Spongebob in the title role.
Without further ado, we shall now begin to tear apart this affront to nature – however, I cannot do it alone. Therefore, I phoned up Danny Fenton and Tucker Foley (which was hard – there were six Tucker Foleys in the phone book, as it turned out) to give me support.
What? No, I'm not ripping off Mystery Science Theatre 3000, stop accusing me! … NO! I'm not ripping off the Nostalgia Critic either! Go away, you're mean!
"Alright, let's start this madness. For the record, Danny gets the bold font, Tucker gets the italic font…actually, that's rubbish, I'll just explain who's talking in the narrative," I decided.
I had gathered up Danny and Tucker, and convinced (read; forced) them to help me read this. I had gathered them around a table with a computer monitor slapped in the middle.
"Narrative?" quizzed Danny, "What're you talking about?"
"Hey, at least I didn't misspell you as 'Dante' again!" I snapped.
Danny and Tucker exchanged confused glances as I booted up the fanfic.
Hello, I'm the author.
"Hello, the author," we said in a bored monotone.
There's a reason this story is claimed as heavily rewritten. The same basic plot is the same: evil medieval megalomaniac, princess, long journey, weird companion, blah blah blah, but in this, Spongebob isn't actively trying to scare people away. I call I the Klemper syndrome; be too friendly, and you'll scare people off.
"Gee, thanks for describing the entire plot twist," shot Danny.
So follow Spongebob, Patrick, Sandy and a heck of a lot of other Nicktoons in the parody of this…bottom 10 list! Enjoy, and see if you can find me in it. I'll be using my penname.
"Low self esteem – check. Self-Insert – check," nodded Tucker.
We see room, really, really contrasting from the outhouse of the original movie. It's Spongebob Squarepants' room. The foghorn alarm clock goes off and Spongebob jolts awake. He turns to look at his snail, Gary, who is resting on some newspaper.
Spongebob: IIIIIIIIII'MMMM REEEEEAAAAADDDYYYY!
"Oh for…it's in script mode!" I exclaimed, "What was this idiot thinking?"
Spongebob: Ketchup, onion and peanut sundae, Gary. Don't ya just love it?
Spongebob: No? Why not?
Spongebob: My breath will not stink!
Spongebob: All right, I'll take out the onion. How about jellyfish jelly?
"Yep…the plot's just rolling on here," deadpanned Danny.
"Hey, did he just steal the sundae idea from 'Something Smells?'" asked Tucker.
"I think that's the least of our problems," I replied.
After a few hours jellyfishing, Spongebob returns to the pineapple, to find a small crowd of guys with pitchforks, namely Carl, Sheen, Squidward, Dag and Norb, standing outside his house.
"I'm pretty sure there were more the five guys in the angry mob in the movie," mused Tucker.
Dag, Norb, Carl and Sheen look mortified as they watch the technique, while Squidward looks mildly worried.
Spongebob: Pelvic thrust! Woooo!
Squidward: Stay calm, Squiddy. He's just an idiot.
Spongebob: …this and that and…
Spongebob blows a large amount of bubbles that float en masse towards the mob, blowing out the torches and somehow denting the pitchforks.
Spongebob: Hey, you look hungry! Wanna Krabby Patty?
Squidward: RUN OR WE'LL NEVER GET OUTTA HERE!
"Uh…what?" said Danny, confused.
"It's the technique," I shrugged, "Evidentially it strikes fear in the hearts of your enemies."
"Wow…I've gotta learn that," nodded Danny.
TB: OK, Mr…Skulker, is it? What do you have here?
"Well, there's the Self-Insert," noted Tucker.
"Doesn't 'TB' stand for tuberculous?" mused Danny.
"Yes, it is I!" boomed Tucker, in a deep voice, "Mr. Tuberculous!"
"OK, that's mildly frightening," I shuddered.
Mr Krabs steps forward, with Patrick standing next to him.
TB: Mr Krabs, this is the ninth time you've tried to sell us a neighbour. I'm liable to have you arrested.
Mr Krabs: Arr, but this one is different. It's really stupid!
"Can you really imagine Mr. Krabs saying that?" asked Danny.
"No, not really," replied Tucker.
TB: I don't doubt that he's dim, Mr Krabs, but there's a difference between ghost stupidity and normal stupidity.
Mr Krabs: What is it?
TB: The IQ of a grunt.
Mr Krabs: Barnacles! Only one short!
"Play the sound byte, Tuck," nodded Danny.
Tucker turned on a tape recorder.
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" the recording played.
Out of the trees run the guards, who see Spongebob, and simply run back the way they came. Spongebob picks Patrick off the ground.
Patrick: Where am I?
Spongebob: Why, you're four hundred yards from my pineapple, friend!
"With lines like that, is it really any wonder why people think Spongebob is gay?" sighed Danny.
"I take offence!" I snapped, "That's just a by-product of crappy writing!"
"True," nodded Danny.
Chapter 2: Tyrants and People and Stuff
"We're only up to chapter two?" cried Tucker.
We cut to a giant, dark, generic castle. Deep in the damp and dingy dungeons (ha, adjectives)
All three banged our heads on the table.
Lord Denzel Q. Crocker, a hunchbacked, fairy-obsessed tyrant, is interrogating Cosmo.
"Crocker is Ffarquad?" mused Danny, "That doesn't sound that bad…"
Crocker: Well, FAIRY! Tell me where FAIRY WORLD is or face my evil wrath!
Crocker: Ah, the legendary VOX! We meet at last.
VOX: I can only respond to Jimmy Neutron.
Guard boots Jimmy into the room.
TB: Genius comes inclusive.
"Jimmy Neutron and VOX as the Mirror?" groaned Danny.
"At least he didn't pick GIR," shrugged Tucker.
Crocker: Activate VOX!
Crocker holds up a page with the periodic table written on it and a match.
Crocker: Activate VOX!
Jimmy: VOX, activate…whatever Crocker wants!
"Yep, Jimmy would totally act like that," deadpanned Tucker.
Ahem…last up we have Sandy Cheeks. Apt in karate but not as scary as Helga, the only downside is you have to be a right fool to choose this option. It's in a castle guarded by an Alaskan Bull Worm, only the bravest or stupidest of…"
"Everyone who's surprised, raise your hand," I sighed.
No hands went up.
Patrick: Yeah, and my nose is red!
Spongebob: Patrick, you don't have a nose.
Patrick: GAAH! Where's my nose gone?
"Oh look. More funny jokes," said Danny, wryly.
The Nicktoons look up and groan.
Mr Blik: Great, we've moved next to a sponge. I told you this was a bad idea!
Danny: It's not like we've got a choice! Crocker forced us out here, we'll just have to live with him!
Jenny: Yeah, but that guy might just be pushing the…
Gordon: Look, unless Lord Crocker repeals the law, we have to sit here. Besides, it's not that bad.
Waffle: Gordon, I think I messed myself.
Gordon: Now it's bad.
"Toilet humour?" I asked.
"Yep," nodded Danny.
"That's it, I'm out of here."
I got out of my chair and walked out of the room. Danny and Tucker glanced at each other.
"I'll call Sam," said Danny at last.
Sam was now sitting in my place, looking somewhat annoyed to be here.
"Right, here we go again, people," shuddered Danny, "Tuck – reopen the document."
Spongebob: Gary, whaddaya mean Lord Crocker won't listen to me! I'm sure he has a good heart!
Crocker: Haha! TB, how is my thoroughly evil heart?
"Gilligan Cut," everyone noted, unenthusiastically.
Not long ago, the giant generic-looking castle in the centre of the Nicklands had been called Dimmsdale. Now, however, it was called Crockersdale, after its new lord and master. The German Sixth Army came and…oh, wait…wrong place.
"Wha?" blurted Danny.
Eugene: [Puppet 1] So, what do we do in Crockersdale? [Puppet 2] Well, serf, we have a few easy to follow rules…Three hundred and forty two rules later…and that's how you behave in Crockersdale.
Patrick: I liked the song better.
"Lame joke, lamer lampshading," observed Sam.
Meanwhile, Crocker has set up a large arena. Technus, Vicky, ManRay, Butch, Lars and Brick (one of the neighbours in Catscratch) are getting ready to rumble!
"Note the exclamation point," nodded Tucker, "They're not getting ready to fight…they're getting ready to RUMBLE!"
"Terrible!" shot Sam, throwing a rotten tomato at him.
Spongebob: Lord Crocker, I accept your challenge, with the honour of being the deliverer to safety of royalty. This will be the defining moment in my spongy life, but I will…
Patrick: Spongebob, we've already left.
The camera zooms out. Spongebob and Patrick are walking away from the castle.
Spongebob: Oh. I knew that. Laughs.
"This guy is truly the master of comedy," groaned Sam.
The two walk up to a wooden bridge over a large amount of rather hot lava.
Patrick: Wow. Ice cream.
Spongebob: I think that's lava.
Patrick: Oh, yeah, right…what's lava?
Spongebob: This really hot liquid that melts anything it touches. Why do you ask?
Patrick: Um…maybe I should wait outside.
Spongebob: But Patrick, we just crossed.
Indeed, Spongebob and Patrick have crossed the bridge while talking.
"Stop trying to be funny!" shouted Danny.
Patrick picks up a knight helmet. Well, actually, it's made of cardboard, but it still looks the same.
"Where did a cardboard helmet come from?" mused Danny.
"Meh, I dunno," shrugged Tucker, "This story makes no sense."
Spongebob: Tartar sauce! Well, add that to my To-Do List.
Spongebob brings out a notepad and writes 'Save Patrick' under 'Bring Princess Sandy to Lord Crocker' and 'Buy new underpants.'
"I think he'd be a little less apathetic about Patrick being dragged off by a giant worm," noted Danny.
The Worm follows, it's chains (did I mention it had chains?)
"No. You didn't," replied Tucker.
Slowly wrapping around some large supports.
Sandy: Get to the bridge!
"RUN! GO! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!" yelled Danny.
Spongebob takes off his helmet. There is a short silence.
Disembodied Baldrick Voice: Hang on. Wasn't there a bit of an argument here in the original?
Sandy: Why? He's got 'messenger' written all over him.
Indeed, we see that Spongebob and Patrick are covered in tags saying 'Messenger'. However in the next scene, they are gone.
"Baldrick? From Blackadder? Seriously?" exclaimed Tucker.
"Oh, and he just cut out a plot element," Sam pointed out.
"Good – it'll be finished quicker," sighed Danny.
Spongebob: We're here for Lord Crocker. I'm sure he's a nice guy when you get to know him…
Crocker: Evict the orphanage, whip something and find me a puppy to kick!
"Another Gilligan Cut," deadpanned all three.
"Hilarious," groaned Sam.
Sandy: I can't believe I'm marrying this guy.
Spongebob: Aw, come on! It's for all those people forced from their homes!
Patrick: Like Mr Blik. Think of Mr Blik!
"Think of Mr. Blik!" cried Tucker, "Think of him, damn you!"
TB Voice: I HEARD THAT!
Baldrick Voice: I thought you wrote that.
TB Voice: Baldrick, shut up.
"You shut up," snapped Sam.
"That's not very nice," noted Danny.
"This monstrosity doesn't deserve nice," growled Sam.
Patrick: Heh, what kind of a nerd looks at stars?
Danny stood up, his face locked in a dark look.
"I will find this author," he said, emotionlessly, "And I will kill him."
"Can I come?" asked Sam, grinning.
Spongebob wakes up and gets to his feet to find Sandy using the ashes of the campfire to make (according to a Google search on what Texans eat for breakfast) sausage patties (or, in Texas…um…sausage.)
"Google," exclaimed Tucker, "He looked up an entire state's eating habits…on Google."
Spongebob: Warning. You have now entered the territory of the Bolbi Men.
"I hope they remembered their Visas," mused Danny.
Bolbi: I, Bolbi, am the leader of the Bolbi Men!
Out of the trees step Elmer, Sanjay, Chuckie, CatDog and Howard.
"To be honest, these aren't the kind of people who strike fear into my heart," moaned Sam.
Patrick: I feel like I'm in some really badly written parody!
"Finally! Some sense!" cheered Sam.
Spongebob looks at his rear. There is indeed an arrow sticking out.
Spongebob: How did that happen?
Patrick: Don't worry, buddy, I'll get it out!
Patrick brings out something that looks similar to the Jaws of Life.
"Does this guy even know what the Jaws of Life are?" demanded Tucker.
"This guy doesn't know anything," replied Danny.
"True," nodded Tucker.
Patrick: Yeah, that means we'll get there at six fifty-nine and twenty eight seconds.
Sandy: Wait, that mean's it's five twenty-nine!
"No, it means it's five fifty-nine," corrected Sam, "You fail."
Sandy: (OS) Patrick, it's me, Sandy.
The camera pans. It is indeed Sandy, but her skin has changed. It is no longer furry, instead it has become spongy and full of holes. Ye gads! Sandy has turned into a sponge!
"Oh…ye gads," deadpanned Danny.
"Didn't see that one coming," added Sam, dryly.
Sandy: A witch who had nothing better to do named Anti-Wanda put a curse on me.
"Anti-Wanda?" demanded Tucker, "I mean, I could understand Anti-Cosmo, but Anti-Wanda?"
Every night, you turn into a sponge, but it stops when the sun comes up, and you have to kiss you're true love for it to wear off!
"You have to kiss you are true love?" repeated Danny, scratching his head.
"I'm confused," groaned Tucker.
Sandy: Oh right. Well…
A floorboard creaks.
Sandy: …absorbent, yellow, full of holes…
Another floorboard creaks.
Sandy: …locked up.
Spongebob puts on that really miserable face he puts on sometimes.
Spongebob: Tearful. Locked up?
"Don't you guys just hate it when the floorboards creak like that?" asked Danny.
"I didn't know barns had floorboards," sighed Sam.
Patrick: What's a flower?
"I don't think even Patrick's that stupid," mused Tucker.
TB: You should have taken those riding lessons, sir. Did wonders for me!
Crocker: Don't lecture me.
"Can you say 'Marty-Stu?'" asked Danny, rolling his eyes.
Spongebob: Angrily. Well, here you go, Princess. Enjoy.
Sandy: What the heck is up with you?
Spongebob: I dunno…maybe you should ask someone who isn't FULL OF HOLES!
"Geez, anger management, dude!" snapped Danny.
"Yep, totally in character," nodded Sam.
At the castle, Sandy is watching TB and Dib preparing a wedding cake. Dib is trying to give the groom figure a hunched back to fit in with Crocker's shape. Instead, he sets the cake on fire. TB tries to blow it out, and the flames fly onto Dib, who starts running around screaming. TB throws water over it, and Dib melts. Confused, TB spray paints the horrifically burnt cake pink and leaves the room whistling.
All three stared silently for a second.
"What. The heck. Was that?" demanded Danny, at last.
"I don't wanna know," sighed Tucker, "I… I don't wanna know."
"Whatever this guy's taking must be pretty good," mused Sam.
Spongebob: So what was she talking about?
Spongebob: Who's Herselfia?
The Alaskan Bull Worm comes out of the ground.
Patrick: My girlfriend.
"The bull worm is named Herselfia," groaned Danny, "Why is this one of the more sane parts of this parody?"
Spongebob: I'M IN LOVE WITH SANDY AND I'M GONNA STOP HER FROM MARRYING LORD CROCKER IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
"Shipping – check," nodded Tucker.
Spongebob turns around. On top of Herselfia sit Mr Blik, Gordon, Waffle, Danny, Jenny and Timmy.
"Hey, where'd they come from?" asked Danny.
"Don't try to make sense of this, Danny," sighed Sam.
TB: As immoral as the fact that the time is now five-fifty-nine and fifty-nine seconds.
"Oh, for crying out loud, stop trying to be funny!" snapped Sam.
TB: I'm fired, aren't I?
Crocker: Yes, you are.
"And there was much rejoicing," added Tucker.
Crocker speaks up.
Crocker: OK, that does it. To heck with the law! Send the 'squirrel' to the dungeons! And I will be KING! And possessor of FAIRY GOD PARENTS!
Spongebob: Somehow I didn't think my week would turn out like this.
Crocker: Yes, I am now officially the king of the Nicklands!
Crocker: HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHA!
Crocker: Go me! Go me! Go me!
Herselfia crashes through the wall with Patrick and co on top.
Crocker: Where'd that worm come from! Destroy it!
Patrick: Fight the power!
The worm lunges at Crocker who manages to dodge.
Crocker: TB, Neutron, HELP ME!
TB: Oh, I'm sorry. I no longer work for you.
Jimmy: And never worked for you to begin with, so, bye.
Herselfia lunges at Crocker again, eating him in a single gulp.
"That was quick," noted Danny.
"Good, we're nearly done," grinned Sam.
Sandy: I love you too.
TB: YES! TAKE THAT, SQUIDWARD!
Jimmy raises his foot with force into TB's groin.
"Yeah! Somebody kicked him in the b-" began Tucker.
Danny burped loudly.
"Sorry," he apologised.
Spongebob and Sandy get even closer and their biological matter turns out to be antimatter and the planet explodes.
There was another long silence.
"That's the end?" demanded Danny at last, springing to his feet, "We read through this crap for THAT? What the hell was the point? He just destroyed the planet! WHAT THE FU-"
"Wait, there's more," warned Tucker.
"Sorry," nodded Danny, meekly, as he sat down again.
Nah, just kidding. Spongebob and Sandy get closer and…oh blimey, I've never written this before…they kiss. Most of the crowd resound in an another "Awwwww…" except Mr Blik and Timmy, who look repulsed, and Patrick, who looks oblivious as usual.
"Worst. Paragraph. Ever," groaned Sam.
After this, Sandy lifts up in the sky and glows brightly. Someone in the crowd screams out "MY EYES!"
"Obviously, they read this story," noted Sam.
Mr Blik: Vomits.
"More toilet humour," noted Tucker, dryly, "Yippee."
Jimmy: And, that's the end of it. Get boring after the whole 'kiss the bridge' thing.
Patrick: Go Spongebob and Sandy! Woo!
Sheen: Yeah! Go hideous sponges!
Carl: Sheen, don't insult the freaks!
Dag: That was nuts!
Norb: No it wasn't, stop saying that!
TB: I don't know why I'm here, hurray!
Skulker: I must say I found it…mildly interesting.
Box Ghost: I AM THE BOX GHOST! BEWARE!
Mr Krabs: Arr, fine wedding if I ever saw one. Nice and cheap.
Guard: Why am I here?
Cosmo: As long as I'm reunited with Phillip, everything's OK.
VOX: VOX sensors: joyful.
Mr Blik: Yeah, whatever. When're we leaving?
Gordon: Aye, it would've been done better in Scotland.
Danny: Nice wedding. Well, nice, as in, no ghosts attacked…
Jenny: Yeah, while I got to be a bridesmaid! Beat that!
Timmy: So boring. Can't focus.
Dib: In a jar. …
Eugene: Wow, nice wedding. Falls of bench backwards. I'm OK.
Vicky: Whatever, twerps.
ManRay: This is ridiculous, why am I even here?
Butch: Got a Krabby Patty?
Lars: You're all doofuses, ha!
Technus: I, Technus, am totally confused at your mortal emotions!
Brick: Duh, that was long.
Bolbi: Bolbi overjoyed. Bolbi not know why he's here!
Sanjay: I liked it because Timmy was here.
Elmer: No, Bob, I will not destroy everyone!
Howard: I wonder if they got wedding insurance?
Chuckie: This reminds me of Paris.
Dog: Hi-ho-diggety, Cat! Wasn't that fun?
Cat: Looks up from newspaper. What? Yeah, OK.
Fish: Foot stuck under chair support. MY LEG!
"Everyone shut up, I'm getting a migraine," scolded Sam.
"Did you see my line?" demanded Danny, "I don't mention ghosts every other sentence, you know – that's dad's thing!"
"Uh…we really didn't need all that," noted Tucker.
"Yeah, we do," shrugged Danny, "Made up for all the stuff he missed."
The words 'The End' appear across the screen.
"Thank God!" cried Danny and Sam.
"Wait!" exclaimed Tucker, "Look below it!
"Oh no…oh please no," shuddered Danny, his face turning pale.
Hugh: Yah! You can never defeat Duckman! Half human, half duck, all Hugh!
Larry: Dude, where the heck is she?
Gordon: Sorry, your three weeks late. She's on her honeymoon.
Mama Cosma: This is completely unacceptable, do you hear me?
Mr Turner: Yes ma'am.
TB: Oh don't tell me we're making a sequel!
"Please don't make us read that, please don't make us read that!" pleaded Danny.
"Don't worry," replied Tucker, "Never seems to have been made."
"Thank…thank everything," exclaimed Danny, relieved.
"I can't believe this," shuddered Sam, "What kind of gormless idiot would write this train wreck?"
"I dunno," shrugged Danny, "E350 wouldn't let us look at the author name."
"Well, he's not here now," grinned Sam, scrolling up the page.
They reached the top.
Their eyes widened.
Based on a movie by DreamWorks (guess which one.)
Heavily, heavily adapted by E350TB
It was dated 19/08/2008.
The door opened, and I walked back in.
"Is it over?" I asked.
"You wrote this?" demanded Sam.
"Uh…um…err…maybe?" I replied, meekly.
The Phantom trio glanced at each other.
Then they threw a barrage of rotten tomatoes at me.
Final Rating of 'Spongebob' by E350
Danny Fenton: 0
Tucker Foley: 0
Sam Manson: 0
Yeah, this thing kind of embarrasses me. :(
Anyway, feedback is welcome, as are suggestions for things for me to review, and have a nice evening!