Here it is! Literally on the first day of year too!
N. Harmonik: Very true, very true. Also, I know about the reply to reviews thing, but for some reason, this feels more personal. Or something. Thanks for reading!
Dracula X: I'm glad you like it! :D Thanks for reviewing.
TweenisodeOrange: There's no hurry. :) Thanks for the review!
strawberry jelly: It's okay, we like what we like. ;) Also, happy very belated Christmas! :D Thanks very much.
The Ghost Reviewer: Haven't heard that one. As per OLLG, let's just say that this is gonna suck... Thanks!
Cartoonatic55: ...next year, I am doing that. Also, I actually forgot to rate that last one. :\ Thank you!
Sgt Reynol: Pants-crappingly crazy? That's toning it down a bit, ain't it? XD The Night Santa Went Crazy is the second-best Christmas song ever, by the way. :) Thanks a bunch!
RandomNumbers523156: ...well, if you didn't like the last one, you're going to hate this one! :| Danke Shon.
Third Kind: Yes, yes it is. :P Thank ye!
Dimentio713: If it makes you feel better, I'm a bit of a buttmonkey myself. :P Thanks mate!
Wherever Girl: ...I think you spoke too soon. Also, haven't seen that, is it any good? Thanks for the read!
Review 20 – One Less Lonely Gurl Part I – Sea Dog Days
Secret Moon Base, Europa, Jupiter
"So Steel Team took the objective, did they?"
"Yes, sir," nodded the officer, "No casualties were sustained."
They were in a dark office, Jupiter clearly visible out of the window. The officer was wearing a black jumpsuit, augmented with a Kevlar vest and ammunition pouches around her waist. She had shoulder-length black hair and a gold-plated Walther P38 in her holster. Her commander was shrouded in shadow, only a silhouette visible to the untrained eye.
"The Kaiser's going after the last one," warned the officer, "The Tirpitz is nearly in position, we have to do something!"
"Tirpitz is twice the size the Rusalka was," reminded the commander, "Add that to the small fleet protecting her, and the sheer number of marines aboard her – the casualties would outweigh any gains we made."
"But they have the firepower to level an area the size of the Ukraine!" exclaimed the officer, "If…"
"The Kaiser doesn't want the Earth destroyed – he can't add it to the Knight's empire if he does," replied the commander, "He just wants to eliminate the opposition. He believes that their main threats come from CAFÉ and Planet Insania. He thinks they have the best chance of defeating the Knight."
"And do they?" asked the officer.
The commander laughed humourlessly.
"They haven't a snowball's," he said.
Sometimes, you have those dog days, don't you?
Sometimes you wake up to find you missed your alarm. Sometimes you get toast and the butter is past the sell-by date. Sometimes your car breaks down. Sometimes you get locked out of your house. Sometimes you accidentally feed someone magic beans and the ensuing crisis causes major property damage, and then you get attacked by an angry German man and in the process your situation is badly changed for the worst.
Yeah, that last one sticks out a bit, doesn't it?
Grab a seat, friends, it's a long story. It all starts seconds after we finished reviewing Attack of the Giant Suki…
…and I was like Baby, Baby, Bab-RECORD SCREECH!
Hold on. Sorry about that.
There's a man who leads a life of danger,
To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger,
With every move he makes, another chance he takes,
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow…
It's amazing how trusting people will be if you wave a toy police badge in their face and tell them you're a copper.
We were now speeding across town in a '36 Cadillac 75 Town Car which I'd liberated from a man who looked a lot like Oswald Mosley. I was in the front, Danny in the passenger seat, and Tucker and Sandy were in the back.
"What the heck's going on?" demanded Sandy, "How'd you even know them beans were magic?"
"Witch doctors never lie," I replied, swerving to avoid an ice-cream truck.
"What about that witch doctor who told you he'd found the elixir of life and it turned out it was moonshine?" asked Danny.
"…well, that was a poor witch doctor," I replied, "Anyway, better safe then sorry."
"You just stole a car!" thundered Sandy, "And you don't even know how to drive!"
"We're still alive, aren't we?" I shrugged as we narrowly avoided a house.
Sandy gritted her teeth.
"So, where're we going, anyway?" asked Tucker.
"A top-secret facility specialising in these issues!" I replied.
There was a pause.
"…so, we're going to Steel's place?" asked Danny.
"You know it."
There was a pause.
"So," said Tucker, "Indiana's kinda a long way from here…"
"There's a fic in my back pocket," I said, pulling it out and handing it to Danny.
Danny took the fic and unfolded.
"One Less Lonely Gurl?" he quizzed, "That can't be that bad."
I nearly crashed the car into an oncoming truck.
"What?" I exclaimed, "I thought I'd put Quarter Life in there! Oh my god, we have to…"
"Can we just get to the darn review?" demanded Sandy.
"Alright, but you're asking for it."
Danny began to read.
AN: I donut own this spongebob thiny. dis is just a fanfic OK!
"This feels eerily familiar," said Tucker, nervously.
It wuz jazz an ordnary day when I dove deep into the dark azure hue of hte ocean. I was tasked to gether some samples of some rare, newly-discovered specimen of coral reefs to send back to the lab for furhter examination. As you can see, I am a marine biologist.
"Okay, bad start, but maybe it'll be fun to read about marine biology…" began Danny.
what I thought was the tip of a huge coral reef... I discovered Atlantis.
"…this is gonna suck," groaned Danny.
So I wanted to dive deepter into the murky waters to get to see if I was right, if this IS indeed Atlantis./
"Wait, Atlantis is in murky waters?" quizzed Sandy, "Why would Atlantis be polluted? It's Atlantis!"
"Atlantis – the mythological Beijing," I replied.
And yes, it is. A huge neon sign lured me to the the deep which ewas ebony black background...
and it says "welcome to Atlantis."
I was right. I wonder what is in here...
"Fish?" suggested Danny.
"Water?" suggested Sandy.
"The Beatles?" I suggested.
"David Bowie?" suggested Tucker.
From down the iridescent
"…and now I'm thinking of Linkin Park," sighed Danny, "Thanks, author."
light of the 'coral reef' I discovered came the ebony darkness, anf from the darkness came a bright, flashing light from the neon sign that led me to the inner depths ot the 'coral reef'. This is a most fascinating discovery that I have looked at through my cerulean orbs surrounded with abundadnt lashes.
"What, was 'I had looked at through my eyes' too simple?" asked Sandy.
Inside was a huge sity just as I read in mystery books
"Mystery books?" quizzed Tucker, "When was the last time Sherlock Holmes went to Atlantis?"
and surprisingly, there were people in it. I never knew that atlantis has albready been riscovered
"Of course, it could always be that those are the people who live there," said Danny, exasperated.
"Imperialist," I groaned.
but maybe it's just that mo one would ver bother to go back to the land because of the filth there and perhaps because of the fact that atlantis is supposed to be a utopia.
"Filth?" I exclaimed, as we drove past a landfill.
"Also, how's Atlantis a utopia? You ain't even described it!" reminded Sandy.
Everyone was staring at me. They all stopped whatever they were doing.
"They knew what was coming, and were paralysed in fear," I said.
"She's beautiful!" someone said.
"This was Blind Joe," I added.
"Ans she has all curves in right places," said anohter.,
"This was the Tattletale Strangler," said Sandy.
Even down here, I could have been called someone beautiful, just like back in the land where I came from.
"Not because she actually was beautiful, but because everyone was so terrified of this abomination," I snarled.
"Not really," I replied. "I just came here by accident and am pretty much lost. Can someone give me some dirsctions?"
"Sure," a man with blonde hair, fair skin, and hughe, blue eyes said. He was wearing a white button-up sirt with a red tie, brown pants, and black shoes.
I clenched the steering wheel very hard.
"…uh," asked Danny, "What's wrong?"
I let go of the wheel and screamed at the roof.
I then swerved to avoid a train.
"This is Bikini Bottom, a city within this entire state known as atlantis, located underneath the Bermuda triangle. THat's why many ships and aircraft mysteriously disappear when passing there. THis is a place that must never be known to man because of their sins.
"Yep, we kill men because they are sinners," said Tucker, nodding, "That's not hypocritical at all!"
And by the way, I'm Bob. And you are?"
"I'm C'ren Amethyst LeHeart-Bieber.
There was a loud thud as everyone in the car slammed their head on the nearest hard object.
Just call me C'ren. I'm not related to Justin Bieber-"
"Justin Bieber?" Bob replied eagerly, interrupting me. "How do you know about him? He's, like, the biggest star here in all Atlantis."
"Anyone want another head bang?" asked Tucker.
"No, my forehead's still hurting a bit," replied Danny.
"Wait..." I said. "If you just said that land himans are not allowed here because of theis sins, then why the heck is Justin Bieber well-known here? He is, like, the biggest star in the land above where I come from."
"What's a himan?" asked Danny.
"He-Man's brother," I replied.
"Also, having just been told that these people kill men for their sins, she tells them that she's from land," said Sandy, "Nice."
"Incidentally, here's their reaction to finding this out," I said.
The people stared at me again in deeper admiration and put out some papers and pens. They wanted an autograph from me.
There was a loud thud as everyone in the car slammed their head on the nearest hard object.
At this point, we passed a sign that said 'Welcome to Indiana'. I cheered, and grabbed the fic from Danny.
"We're there!" I exclaimed.
"We just crossed the border," snapped Sandy, "It's a state of 36,000 square miles, we're not just gonna run into Steel's studio…"
At that moment, I pulled up in front of Steel's studio.
We got out of the car and walked to the door.
"You know, he's just gonna tell you what the rest of us said," snapped Sandy, "They're just normal beans, and y'all got swindled."
"I highly doubt that," I sniffed, ringing the doorbell.
A few seconds later, Steel emerged, looking annoyed.
"Sam already called me about it," he sighed, "Magic beans, right?"
"I got them from a Witch Doctor," I snapped, "They never lie!"
"What about the time you bought the Philosophers Stone from one and it turned out it was a disguised hand grenade?" asked Steel.
"…that was one time."
"Alright, come in," he said, "We'll check this out."
"Outcast. It's rare you show yourself around here."
A man had entered the commander's office. He had a large build, which was amplified by the armour he was wearing. It was a highly advanced combat armour, the helmet covering his whole head and face. It was clear that this man was, for all intents and purposes, a super-soldier.
"Outcast is here on my orders, Captain," snapped the commander, "This is an important matter and I want it discussed securely – face to face."
Outcast strode up to the desk and saluted.
"How'd Thailand go?" asked the commander.
"All records were destroyed," replied Outcast, "The installation is no longer active, and the mercs guarding the target are…terminated."
"So you went in there and blew it up?" demanded the officer.
"Captain, please," snapped the commander, "If all my troops were like Outcast, this war would be over in a day."
The officer sniffed.
"Outcast, I have a top-secret mission for you," said the commander, "There's a guy we're interested in."
He pointed to a dossier on the desk.
"E350," he explained, "Badfic reviewer. Anglo-Australian teen with a limited grasp on reality. He was there when the Kaiser killed the Tsar. He's number one on the Kaiser's kill-list."
"You want me to protect him?" quizzed Outcast.
The commander laughed.
"No, Outcast. I want you to kill him."
Also, I've only done three chapters. *weeps profusely*
Baby by Justin Beiber. Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers - version used by Merseyside.