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Monica Gibley-Beiber: Yeah, but it was one hell of a troll-fic, so you should be proud. :D Thanks for reading!

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Cartoonatic55: I will, thanks very much. :)

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Review 22 – The Morph – Wow


What? You want an intro?


There, now leave me to mope.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday...

I was sitting in the review room, empty cans of Coke lying around the chair. I'd grown a stubble, and was waving about a bottle of Mountain Dew while reading SpongeWiki articles. The curtains were drawn, and the only light came from the computer monitor.

"They told me Mountain Dew was magic!" I groaned, slurring despite not being drunk.

Outside, Danny, Sam and Tucker looked into the room.

"How long's he been like this?" asked Tucker.

"Three weeks," replied Danny, "Ever since he got back from Switzerland."

"We've only got one week before Palmerston invades!" snapped Sam, "We can't just sit around moping!"

"I know, I know," sighed Danny, "I got an idea."

He walked into the room, sitting at the table and trying not to be overwhelmed by the stench. His friends followed him.

"Hey," he greeted.

"All of my life is pain," I groaned.

"Yeah, that's great," nodded Danny, "Anyway, I brought this fic you might wanna review, you in?"

"I am dead to this world."

Danny blinked.

"Okaaaay, let's get started," he said, "Let's dig into The Morph, by Kacie Boskey."

Tommy and his friends were playing in the sandbox. Dil was in a bouncer nearby. Tommy, Phil, Lil and Chuckie thought it looked like a four-wheeled highchair.

"It was a hundred percent necessary to describe that," nodded Sam.

Meanwhile, Lil was looking at something that was behind Dil. It was small, yet bigger than Angelica. It was at least the same size as Spike.

"It was a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple..." began Danny.

"Seriously?" snapped Sam, "You're going with that reference? It's 2012!"

"So, the thing comes a bit closer and..." said Tucker.

It was a dinosaur!

"Unknown to both Littlefoot and his friends and the Humans of this wartorn world, events are in store that will cause one unfortunate American to wind up in the Great Valley and for these two timelines in the long and traumatic history of Earth to cross."

"NO!" thunder Danny, "Anything but that!"

"Don't worry, there's no bestiality in this story," reassured Sam.

"Basically, Littlefoot has just come round to give the cast of Rugrats a morphing cube," explained Danny, "From Animorphs. Yes, this is a thing that is happening."

I made a bizarre snorting sound.

"...what was that?" demanded Sam.

"I'm sorry, I suppressed a bizarre-awesome-squee," I replied.

"Of course you did," deadpanned Sam.

"Anyway, after giving us our deus-ex-machina, Littlefoot gives Tommy the morphing power and leaves," said Tucker, "Tommy tries it out."

His head became a little more square. His eyes became a different size and shape. His hands and feet broadened.

"So he's turning into Arnold Schwarzenegger?" asked Danny.

"Danny, you've only read half the line," snapped Sam.

"I know, I just wanted to make that joke."

Tommy looked at himself, shocked. "What happened?", he thought. "You morphed. That's what happened", Phil answered.

"They're taking this pretty well," noted Tucker.

"Considering they've been babysat by Mr. Bean, met CatDog, fought with Pokémon, started a rock band, been stalked by an middle-school student with dark powers..." listed Danny.

"I love fanfiction," I sighed.

"What was that?" asked Tucker.

'Nothing, back to moping," I said, quickly.

"How'd you know what I thought?", Tommy wanted to know. "We heard it in our minds", Chuckie answered. "I think it's called thought-speak. You can thought-speak to us while in morph. And direct it,too", Angelica explained.

"How do you know this?" demanded Danny.

"Because she read the books, duh," replied Sam.

"Having just experienced a world-changing discovery, Tommy immediately changes back and they get on with their lives," explained Tucker, "Cut to Saturday, when they all go to the zoo."

So at 11:00 a.m., they left for the zoo, unaware that another dinosaur was following them. This dinosaur was much bigger than Littlefoot. He was a fierce Velociraptor!

Our jaws all dropped.

There was a long silence.

"What," I eventually mouthed, flatly.

I shook my head.

"A velociraptor is walking around suburbia, stalking people, and nobody has noticed this," I said, attempting to rationalise this, "Where are the police?"

Not far down the road, a police car was parked on the side of the road. The officers inside were watching a velociraptor making its way down the road.

"Uh, Johnny, should we do somethin' about that?" asked one officer.

"Bill, you ever see Jurassic Park?" demanded his partner, "Nah, the Feds can handle this one."

Johnny turned his attention back to his newspaper.

"...Bill, it's mauling a guy."

"Jurassic Park."

"This makes no sense!" I exclaimed, "Not physical sense! No logical sense! No sense at all!"

Suddenly, I grinned.

"This is awesome! Let's keep reading!"

About one hour later, Tommy had acquired a wolf, snake, lizard, squirrel, eagle, hawk, racoon, tiger, lion, bear, elephant, alligator, crocodile, cougar, cheetah, and a snow leopard.

"How is he doing that?" demanded Danny, "Where's security?!"

The families rested near the cliff in the tourist trail in the woods. They all remembered how their kids got lost in the woods. They'd never let that ever happen to them again.

"Which is why they went to the woods, obviously," deadpanned Sam.

The Velociraptor was nearby. He thought it was the perfect time to attack. He growled and hissed. "What was that?", Angelica whimpered. "It's okay,sweetie. It was probably just one of those wolves back there", Charlotte reassured her daughter.

"I love how the zoo's built in an area where wild wolves run about," I grinned.

Suddenly, a Velociraptor jumped out and in front of them!

"Yeah, I hate it when that happens," nodded Danny.

"Tommy stands up the inexplicable velociraptor, as you do," I said, "He proceeds to turn into a wolf in full view of the public. Pretty sure that's a no-no, but then, the Yeerks haven't even been mentioned, so who knows?"

But then, the Velociraptor held out one of his clawed hands and struck Tommy across the face. A red line appeared, stretching from the top of his eye brow to his neck. "Roooaaarrr!",

Tommy roared in pain. The Velociraptor then reared down his head and pushed Tommy in the chest. He fell down. unconscious.

"Tommy Pickles – not a very good Animorph," sighed Sam.

Suddenly, Dil started to bounce in his bouncer. He started to roll towards the dinosaur.

"Dil will save us all!" I exclaimed.

"Tommy wakes up and sees Dil launching a one-baby charge against a velociraptor which ends up sending all three of them over a cliff," said Danny, "Tommy is still not a very good Animorph."

Tommy woke up and started to fight the animal again. The Velociraptor finally gave up fifteen minutes later.

"Geeh, forget it, I'm gonna go harass Jeff Goldblum," growled Danny, imitating the velociraptor.

Tommy dragged his brother, who now was awake, back up the cliff. He morphed out. Didi was so glad Tommy had saved Dil's life, she gave him an award.

"Congratulations, you have defeated a velociraptor by turning into a wolf and beating it up!" exclaimed Sam, "Here's a lollipop!"

Tommy made the front page the next day.

"Yeah, I have that newspaper," I nodded, it's pretty surreal."

In Unrelated News, Arizona Scientist Arrested For Cloning Velociraptors

"Anyway, the story literally closes on a single line..."

But Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Dil, and Angelica decided not to morph ever again. Except when Tommy has to. And Tommy knew that his life will never be normal. He liked it.

"And that's it," finished Danny, "Tommy never morphs again, nobody bats an eyelash at velociraptors and transforming babies, and the Visser realises that 'hey, they aren't andalites after all!"

"That was totally insane," I admitted, "But so help me, I can't help but like it. Certainly, it makes no sense, but such an earnest attempt to write a story that makes no sense. It has no chance of success, but the author does it anyway!"

I stood up.

"And you know what?" I exclaimed, "Maybe we don't have a chance! Maybe we will be beaten into a fine paste by Palmerston and the Kaiser! But damn it, we can at least try! Now, how long do we have?"

"Seven days," replied Danny.

"...dang, I should have that that epiphany earlier," I nodded, "Never mind, you work with what you've got. Tucker, see if you can't hack the Tirpitz' systems and get us landing zones. Sam and Danny, get on the horn with anyone you can, see if we can't have a response ready in time."

"What about you?" asked Danny.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the wrecked M1911.

"I'm going to replace this thing," I replied, "Also, test out the Panther tank!"

"...the what?"

"Yeah, I spent part of my mope-time on EBay," I nodded.

"Of course you did."

Final Verdict for 'The Morph' by Kacie Boskey

Danny Fenton: 5/10

Sam Manson: 4/10

Tucker Foley: 5/10

E350: 7/10

Total: 21/40

Yesterday (c) the Beatles.