Oakleys on a Pineapple

(Or, Renji's search for new sunglasses)


A/N: This is a joint mangling of Bleach and whatever else we can think of by me and a close friend. It's based of of my/our (for now) only other story, The DEATH of Sunglasses, but we decided to restart it for a longer story. We intend to throw in characters from whatever stories we can think of, from Anime to Harry Potter to little known books, TV, whatever we want. If someone gets all of the references, we should give you a prize. Like, for being as big of a geek as the two of us put together... That would be impressive. For now, though, it's just getting started.

Disclaimer: I only own half of this story, and none of Bleach (or anything else we decide to throw in.)

Warning: Renji bashing. LOTS of Renji bashing...

After having his sunglasses destroyed in battles with his now close friend Ichigo, Renji decided to try for a new pair. Not knowing where to get sunglasses in the real world, and hoping to guilt-trip him into paying for them, Renji took a trip to Ichigo's home.

"What do you want, Pineapple? Are there Hollows or something?" Ichigo answered the door, apparently in a bad mood.

"Naw, I just need your help with a top-secret mission."

"I'm not three years old Renji, what the hell do you want?"

"You know how you broke my sunglasses, and then my backup pair, all within a couple of weeks?"

"You mean when I was beating the shit out of you? Twice? Yeah, I remember. Why?"

"I was hoping you could help me find a new pair. Where do you buy sunglasses around here? Like, the mall or something?"

"Why the HELL are you asking me to go shopping with YOU? Ask Matsumoto. She LIKES shopping."

At the mention of her name, Matsumoto popped through Ichigo's ceiling, grinning like a madwoman and displacing his light fixture once again...

"GOD DAMMIT! You're paying for that! I had to pay to fix my ceiling last time, out of my pocket money. I mean, it's not like I can tell my dad, "Yeah, some random Shinigami burst through my ceiling on a whim, because she thinks it's cute..." Ichigo ground his teeth, and then remembered what he had been doing. "And as for you, Renji, NO, I will not go shopping with you. Especially not for sunglasses. You looked like crap in sunglasses. Get a freakin' bandana!"

Renji sighed, then turned to leave, only to be called back so he could help Matsumoto, who was stuck in the ceiling. He was tempted to leave her there, but he really did want someone to help him look for sunglasses.

"Okay, let's go. You don't mind shopping, right?"

"For sunglasses? For you?" The busty blonde tried to restrain her laughter, and failed. "You look HORRIBLE in sunglasses! Never!"

Veins popping on his forehead, Renji gave up on his so-called friends, and headed off to the mall by himself.

As soon as the redhead left the room, Ichigo and Matsumoto both got out their phones. "It's for his own good," she said. "Yeah, and for ours." replied Ichigo. "He really has horrible taste; he looked like an idiot with the sunglasses. Why does he even want to wear them?"

"It's an 11th division reject thing. Have you noticed Iba's? I think they formed a club or something... I know I've seen them running around with other male lieutenants, wearing towels and sunglasses. It's actually pretty cute."

"Oh, the 'Shinigami Men's Association?' I've seen them. Kira and Hisagi can actually pull off the sunglasses thing, though. Renji... can't."

The pair then proceeded to text certain parties, spreading the word of warning to what equated of the entirety of Soul Society (thanks to Matsumoto having everyone except Yamamoto on speed dial). Little did they know, however, that Soul Society intervention would not be necessary.

Later that evening, at Ichigo's house:

"Hey Matsumoto!"

"Yes, Ichigo?"

"What does Renji look like in sunglasses?"


"No, it's a joke, you're supposed to say, 'I don't know, what?"

"Oh. Ok. So what does he look like?"

"Like THIS!" Ichigo held his creation out. It was a pineapple, spray painted red. On the pineapple were a pair of shiny black Oakleys with chrome accents.

"Ooh, funny! Renji doesn't have your taste in sunglasses, though. Sadly..." Then a cunning look passed over Matsumoto's face, as the blonde Shinigami concocted her great and devious master plan (which, unfortunately, didn't involve cheese...)

When Renji got back to Urahara's shop, where he was freeloading once again, he decided to check his Facebook page. As he opened the site, veins in his forehead began to pop. "Dammit! Matsumoto got my password again!" Where his profile picture used to be was a photo of a red pineapple with sunglasses on. "I do NOT look like a pineapple!" Then he looked again. "Those are pretty cool sunglasses, though. Maybe I should get a pair like that..."

A/N: I have decided that I will never actually say who the guest characters are during their chapter. At the beginning of the next chapter, I'll tell you. I will assume you know Bleach characters.

(credit for the cheese comment goes to Moczo, from their story Uninvited Guests)