The Wrong Kind of Monster-in-law contest
Title: The Book
pairing:Cannon Pairings E/B R/Em A/J
Rating: M for language and frightening M.I.L.s
Disclaimer: Twilight names and characters belong to Stephenie Meyer no harm was meant in writing this little story it is only for entertainment and my own therapy. ALL M.I.L stories in here are true and only slightly embellished the real names of the characters are changed to protect the guilty.
Our scene opens in the comfy living room, in the home of our favorite couple Bella and Edward. We see a group of friends gathered with several bottles of wine, various snacks, and a rather ominous looking book. A young, black haired woman stands and begins to speak.
"Tonight, we are gathering together to bring the most recent of us, Angela, into the fold. She is getting married next week and we want her to be informed. She knows what happens after you get married. She has seen us cry and scream and just all-out bitch about the bane of every married woman's existence.
"No, I am not talking about the shit-stains on his underwear. I am talking about something more foul, more disgusting... something that shows up when you least expect it: The Mother-In-Law."
"She appears like your period, unannounced and unwelcome.
"Join us tonight as we initiate another sister into the 'Dear Daughter-in-Laws' club.
"We are a group of women desperate not to repeat the mistakes of our M.I.L.s. We vow not to be the torment of our sons' future wives'. To do so, our mothers created 'The Book'. It documents all of the evil things M.I.L.s have done to us for dating their babies, marrying their babies, fucking their babies and 'giving' them grandchildren. Yeah, like we wanna do that shit.
"We want our daughters-in-law to know that it's ok to think their husbands, our sons, are not perfect. They have faults, they are human - not some fucking, sparkly vampire on steroids. They are men... just men. They fuck up. It happens, and you, you lucky bitch, get to hold it over his head till death do you part.
"When I give my son to you, I don't want him back! I don't wanna be washing the stink outta his work shirts, I don't wanna be making him his favorite meal. You get to make him the liver and onions he loves so much, because he is a freak of nature. Can't blame me for that one.
"That's right, I said nature, not nurture. I tried to get him interested in something else, so it's not my fault.
"Now ladies, welcome our initiate...
"Angela, come take the Seat of Honor!" Alice finished her speech with a flourish.
"Pass the sacred cup!"
"We need the vino!" exclaimed Rose.
"Shut it, hoor! You're gonna wake the kids next door," Bella scolded in a hushed voice.
"Like I could care! Em does that to me on their 'man's night' all the time. Now it's my turn! Let him be tortured by the five year old!" Rose tittered. She must have been hitting the sacred Vino before the girls officially started, and everyone laughed at the thought.
Bella added, with a smirk on her face, "Torture by five year old has been banned by the UN. It is cruel and unusual punishment."
They all laughed together, having known the pain it is to answer the constant questions of a five year old. Even Angela, or AJ as she was known, joined in; she did not have children at this point, but being a Kindergarten teacher granted her this priviledge. The poor dear.
At this point, a beautiful crystal wine glass started to be passed between the ladies. Bella remarked, "It is the only one left out of a very old set," sighing, she took hold of the glass. "These were my great-grandmother's. This is what I get for letting that bitch help me pack."
Alice appraises the goblet. "Waterford, right Bells?"
"Well, they were," she answered dejectedly, noticing yet another chip on her cherished glass.
The collective group of women sighed and shook their heads sadly, mourning the loss of Grandma Anne's goblets, "That Bitch," they all chimed, raising a toast.
"Ok, enough of this, who is the keeper of 'The Book' this month?" Rose asked.
"I have it," replied Jess. She presented the large scrap book, given to Bella by her mother at her bachlorette party. Bella smiled sadly at the memory. "Mom would love that we kept this up. I only wish she could have been here. She never would let my Mother in law Liz turn into a bitch like this."
These girls grew up together; they had known each other's parents well and loved them like their own. They all lived and laughed together while dealing with the dreaded M.I.L.
"So what's with the book? I knew you were keeping something from me!" Angela asks raising an eyebrow at the group of friends.
"Oh, AJ," sighed Rose. "Don't feel bad, babes. There are some things that you would not believe even if we told you."
Jess raised the book up.
"This is the 'Dear Daughter-in-Law' book. It was started by Renee and her girls, years ago. This is to document all the nasty, backhanded things M.I.L.s will do to you. This is so we never repeat their mistakes." Everyone nodded in silent agreement.
Alice continued, "In here you will find generations of horrific tales, some too awful to imagine."
Alice glanced at an entry in the book, and shuddered "Bells, this happened to you, and it's too horrible for me to recount it. I'm sorry, you have to be the one."
Bella took the offered book and opened it to the page and began to run her finger over the picture of the baby boy in the arms of her nemesis. She sighed and began the tale.
"I walked into her bedroom; keep in mind this was back when we were living with them while we went to college, and there was M.I.L., holding my baby, cooing. She was talking to him, knowing full well that I was listening to her. She was saying, 'I know you are mine. You really are my baby. You don't look like your mommy, you are a part of me and papa. She then looked up at me and smiled, saying 'You like sci-fi stories, dont you dear? Don't you think it is plausible that he is really my son, born of your womb?'"
"UN-fuckin-believable!" AJ said as she slapped the table. "I find it hard to believe that Liz is such a bitch behind closed doors. She seems so cool when you talk to her."
"That's not all, wait till you hear this!" Bella flipped a page to a picture from the newspaper. It was an engagement announcement; Bella and Edward gazing at each other with love in their eyes. In Bella's writing was the caption for the engagement; the collective group nod their approval of the caption. Bella responded "What his mom told others about our engagement: 'My son is marrying an older woman with 2 kids.'"
"WHAT!" The collective howl came forth from the gathering.
Bella nodded. "Yep. She thought it was so cute to say that, she failed to tell everyone I'm only a few months older and the two kids are his!"
"Bitch!" exclaimed the group.
You may have noticed that the correct reponse to any M.I.L. tale is 'bitch'. It is like saying 'Amen' at the end of a prayer.
"Rose, honey, it's your turn, and pass the sacred vino. I need to drink till the images are outta my head," Bella said as she shook her head, and reached for the bottle like a lifeline.
Rose took the book and passed Bella the bottle. She sighed heavily, as they all did when they looked through their shared tales of woe, until she found her section. Though not as large as Bella's, it was no less impressive in its tales of disgusting M.I.L. behavior.
She cleared her throat, took a large gulp of the sacred vino, and began.
"As you know, I love to cook, and I am damn good at it." She reached over and rubbed Jane's pregnant belly, as Jane shoved another chocolate chip cookie in her mouth and muttered, "Uh huh," and giggled.
"Well, I have a rather impressive set of cookware, bakeware, and utensils. When Em and I moved into our first house I had my kitchen arranged, finally, so I could find everything. It was separated by use."
Alice yawned dramatically. "Get on with it! We all know how attached you are to your damn cooking shit."
Rose replied "Shut up, hoor! You are just jealous of my skills with a Kitchenaid mixer!" She continued, "So I left kidlet with M.I.L. to watch for the night, while Em and I went to this movie he had been dying to see. I came home only to find my professional quality half-sheet sheet cake pan covered in burned grease from," she practically sobbed, "Chicken! She burned chicken in my cake pan and used a knife to scrape the bottom! A fucking knife! Do you have any idea the amount of damage that causes? The pan was useless after that!"
"Bitch!" went the crowd, in unison.
"No, no, I am not done yet! I was cooking the next morning and looking for a very specific spatula for my crepe pan, and discovered she moved everything around in my drawers!" I called her up and asked her 'What the fuck?' Her reply was, 'I was looking for something and couldn't find what I was looking for, so I put them in their logical place.'"
"Now you can all reply," Rose encouraged the group to respond.
And reply, they did.
"Janey dear, it is your turn. Do you think you can stop scarfing down the food long enough to talk?" Rose asked with sincere affection. Jane knew that Rose fed her the good stuff, while growing the next precious baby for the group of friends.
Taking the book, Jane flipped to her section and, with a tear in her eye, she said, "I wish I could partake of the sacred vino to give me strength for this... " The girls handed her some tissues, knowing full well how sad Jane got when she talked about her main entry. The cup was passed around while Jane began her story.
She caressed the obituary with a picture of a formerly distinguished man, lying in a bed with a grinning Jane sitting next to him. The sadness of loss was in her eyes, and you could see she knew that the older man would not have long to hold her hand.
Jane took a deep breath and began.
"Mark and I had been married for a few months when Daddy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. M.I.L. was a nurse, so I went to her a lot for information on how to make Daddy comfortable. I was the one who chose the date for him to be taken off of life support; it was the worst day of my life holding his hand, knowing it would be the last time."
Rose took Jane's hand and wiped her tears. She squeezed her fingers to encourage her to get through this hard tale.
"At the wake, my sister had told Mark's younger brother to share some stupid video game console thing that he was hogging, and M.I.L. came storming toward me as I was greeting the Attorney General of the state, who was a good friend of my Dad's. She pushed past him and started screaming at me in front of everyone. She said to me, 'That little brat dared to tell my boy that he had to share. I do not know what kind of family yours is, but that beast had better watch who she is talking to!'
"I looked over to my Mark who knew that I was barely holding on, and he was in shock that his mother would act this way at a funeral, of all places. I smiled at the Attorney General and looked over toward my F.I.L., who was also in shock and said, 'Please get her out of here before I am arrested for assault.'
"F.I.L. guided her out of the funeral parlor, but she kept on saying 'That woman's behavior is what our poor Mark is going to have to deal with for the rest of his life! I pity him and I hope she never gives him children. Luckily, she is probably barren!'"
Jane nodded sadly, finishing her tale with a tear. The group knew that it had taken years for their beloved gentle Jane to concieve her first child. They also knew that she took much venom in the way of "teasing" from her viscious, heartless M.I.L.
They all reached out to touch Jane's baby bump and said quietly, "Bitch". The group had found out, earlier in the evening, that the ultrasound pictures proudly confirmed that Jane was indeed having a son.
Jane wiped away her tears and said, "Come on girlies, this is supposed to be a party! My stories always bring the group down. Let's hear from Alice. Her stories are always funny!"
Alice's face morphed from one of sadness, to one of glee. She seemed to relish the chance to talk about her tales of M.I.L. irritation.
She turned the page, away from Jane's dad's last photo with a gentle touch to his face.
"Ok, my turn! As you know, Jazzy and I were not... well... subtle when it came to our love."
Rose snorted a little of the vino through her nose, "You mean the fact the two of you got caught a few times for public indecency?"
Bella added, "You have no idea how red my Dad's face got when he would come home after patroling the park area, and finding the two of you in flagrante delectico."
Alice just grinned and shrugged, "As if the joy of outside sex never appealed to any of you frigid bitches! "
Alice continued, "Anyway, after a few times being brought home by Charlie, let's just say that Jazzy's mom had this idea in her head that I was some kinda floozy.
"So, we were discussing the wedding," Alice flipped to a page that showed her in this beautiful confection of a dress, sparkling like the sun, sexy and demure in her white lace and tulle,
"and we got to talking dresses."
Bella coughed, choking slightly on her wine, as she added, "Oh, I remember this conversation well. I was your maid of honor!" She giggled some more under her breath.
"If I may continue, with no further comments from the peanut gallery?" Drawing a look, Alice continued, "So, we were looking at the pile of books I had collected just for this purpose, and, as all of you know, I had no intention of wearing white. I mean how cliché can a girl get? I wanted champagne, or even a pale pink; something that would shimmer in the candlelight you know?"
The girls all nodded, remembering the hell it was, working with Alice on her wedding. Calling her a bridezilla is an insult to all the bridezillas out there.
"So, there we all were at this lovely brunch that Renee had set up for us, and my M.I.L. pipes up, 'I assume you won't be wearing white?' At this I looked over at her and with my sweetest smile I said,'I am now.'"
Alice continued "And so the search began anew. I just had to find something fabulous that would make me look sexy and demure and radiant and well, just knock everyone's socks off."
She held the book open for the group to see the picture... again, and as the ladies were such life-long friends, they took turns being Maid of Honor at each others' weddings, while the rest acted as bridesmaids. They had all seen the wedding photos time and time again.
Alice then nodded and said, "Tanya, hon, your turn."
"Oh, must I?"
"Yes, Tanya, you know the rules!" Alice huffed.
"Alright, pass the book. I am about to tell you the worst story. This one will make you all cringe in horror," she added a dramatic wave of the hand for emphasis.
"As you know, years ago, F.I.L. went from being a functional alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic, and in a fit of religious zeal, M.I.L. decided that anyone who drinks is automatically an alcoholic."
Tanya took a healthy gulp of the sacred vino, and the girls all raised their glasses in honor of their friend who now lives a M.I.L.-imposed dry lifestyle.
"Well, M.I.L. came over to our house to watch the kids after school while I was at work. I came home after a stressful day of clients bitching me out for things my boss did, and all I wanted was to get out of my heels and nylons and have a nice beer and relax. I had a stash of beer hidden behind my diet cokes for just such an emergency."
Alice gasped in horror. "She didn't!Notthe Lieney's!'
"Yes, yes she did," answered Tanya indignantly, "That bitch dumped my beer!"
"She said, 'I know you did not want that in your fridge. It is too much of a temptation, so I got rid of it for you, dear. You do not want to live with what I had to go through. I am merely saving you the trouble of a husband who turns to alcohol, instead of turning to you.'"
"The bitch dumped my beer!" Tanya shaking her head in disgust, handed the book off to the last of the friends to share her story of maternal terror. Jess, Angela's Matron of Honor, accepted the book.
The evening had been fabulous. All of the girls were worse for wear from the bottles of sacred vino. All except Janey, of course, but she was worn out from the laughs, tears, and late hour.
"OK," Jess began, "I will tell the last story and then I will add the pages we made just for you. AJ, my dear friend, we have known each other for years, been besties since kindergarten. We have dated and saved each other from drunken mistakes like TDS." The group of ladies all snickered, remembering when AJ and Jess told them about a night of drunken debauchery that led to Jess running from some guy's apartment, with AJ hot on her heels, announcing to the sleeping neighborhood in a not-so-quiet voice, 'This man here suffers from a tragic affliction called TDS. It strikes some men and leaves their women left wanting; TDS: Tiny Dick Syndrome! This man needs a telethon!' An embarassed AJ quickly got the very sauced Jess into the car as they sped away from the scene.
"I remember just after Mike and I got engaged, I was all dolled up, ready to go out for our girls-only monthly dance party get together. I left something at Mike's house, so I showed up before heading out to pick up you guys. Unluckily, I drew the short straw and was gonna be designated driver that night. When I came to the door, his mom comes storming out of the house, asking me why I was breaking her Mikey's heart. Mike and I both looked at her in confusion and she said, 'Well, you are dressed like a two dollar hooker. I know you are going to go find some new man to sink your talons into!' Mike was so stunned, he stood there gaping like a fish! I kissed him on the cheek and winked at his mom, wiggling my ass before I hopped in the car.
"Shame on me for wanting to look nice, when heading out with my girls to the club, and I never look like a two dollar tramp! Dammit, nothing was falling out! This shit came from her after she found her 'new' religion, that preached all 'painted women' are only after one thing: dick.
Little does she know her precious baby gives me all the dick I want. I don't need to go running out to find anything else when I got her baby Mikey at home," Jess concluded with a giggle.
"OK girls, hand me the pages you made." Jess waved her hands towards the others to accept the pages. The girls all handed over lovely, blank scrapbook pages that had spaces for the wedding, moving into their first home, and, of course, the first baby page which was made by each friend placing one piece for the new baby that will hopefully join this group... someday. Jess put the pages in and added the separator with AJ's name on it, including a tab for easy access. Now AJ's section would be ready for the next hen party, when they would add more stories.
"AJ, the one rule you have to abide by is to never tell the husbands about the book. They know we bitch about their moms, but to keep them from feeling too bad, we record the worst in here. This has to remain our secret. No husband can know. Do you swear on the sacred vino that you will never tell him?" Jessica finished.
"I swear, and I can only hope that I will never have to use this book."
The ladies all gave each other sad, sleepy smiles.
"We hope so too, AJ. We hope so too." It was the chorus they had said many times at similar parties. It was their hope that someday, the book would not be needed.
Bella stretched and began to speak, "Alright, ladies, it's late. You have to get outta here. Your men are next door at Rose's. Have them drive your drunk asses home. Edward is working late tonight and I need to clean this shit up and get some sleep."
The girls all said their goodbyes and headed out the door. They called to each other through car windows as their husbands, worn out from a night of taking care of children, got their former party girls home, to tuck them in and get ready for morning, when they would be dealing with hangovers from the sacred Vino.
Bella closed her front door, looked at the mess that was her living room. She was too tired to deal with it, so she picked up 'The Book' and started flipping through pages, seeing pictures of her beloved mother and Dad as she read well-known stories of horror. She looked at the picture of a grinning little boy on the mantle saying "Alex, honey, I promise I will be a good M.I.L. to whoever marries you..."
Before she knew it, she was dozing on the couch.
She woke to the sound of pages turning, and as she rolls over she saw Edward flipping through the book.
"Oh shit," muttered Bella
Edward raised an eyebrow at his dear wife. She slinked off the couch and gently took the Book from him, setting it on the coffee table. She straddled his lap and leaned toward his neck and whispered, "Honey, how can I persuade you to keep this between us?" She tugged on his earlobe with her teeth and, when she looks up, he has a glint in his eye, shifting under her.
This is my cue to give the dear couple their privacy. I look on from my pink cloud with pride, watching as my baby girl shares a deep kiss with her beloved. I am happy she has continued our tradition; I only wish for my dear Bella that my childhood friend, Liz, remembered the lessons we had learned from our M.I.L.'s when she and I had started the 'Dear Daughter-in-Law' book.
"I love you baby girl," I say to the stars.