A/N: Yeah, that title has nothing to do with anything. But hey, it's been a while since a one-shot! I've missed these.
"Jay, you're really being unreasonable."
Kaitlyn hit her head against the closed door slightly. "Jay. Come out."
"No! Just go... go be with him, if he's more important than I am!"
"He's not. Really. Kind of."
"Kind of?" Something crashed. "Stupid son of a bitch! Asshole, goddamn fucking bastard—"
Kaitlyn pushed against the door. "Jay—"
"Don't you dare come in here!"
"Unlock the door, Jay."
"You unlock it."
"I can't, it's on the inside."
"Yeah, well my heart's breaking on the inside so I wouldn't—"
"Don't bring Randy into this, I'm already fragile enough as it is!"
Kait rolled her eyes. "Jay. Jay, just let me in."
"If you don't open this door I'm gonna fucking kick it down."
"Go ahead. I need to replace it anyway, Felix scratched the shit out of it on this side…"
"Why are you so upset about this?"
Something else fell, something wooden. Like he tripped over the coffee table. "Why… WHY AM I SO UPSET!"
"You're leaving me for Chris!"
"I am not. I'm just taking him on as another boyfriend."
"I'm a monogamist, Kaitlyn."
"You don't even know what that is—"
"I don't like kissing boys. And I will not share a bed with him!"
"He'll be fine sleeping at the foot of the bed."
"NO THAT'S WHERE FELIX SLEEPS!"
"All right, sorry!" Kait sighed, leaning back against the door. "It's a real shame, actually."
He paused. "What is?"
"That I have to choose between you two."
"That's what normal people do, Kaitlyn. We're not Amish!"
"I think you're thinking of mormons, Jay—"
"Don't call me a fuckin moron, you're a fuckin moron!"
She covered her face. "Are you going to come out and talk like a rational adult, or are you just gonna wallow in your shell of self-pity and disappointment?"
"Oh, great! Are you fucking Adam, too?"
"Well, just great! Why don't you guys just have a big ol' Canadian orgy! I'll even video tape it, give people something else to talk about!"
"Sounds good, but Randy's not Canadian—"
"I-You... You... hosebeast!"
Kaitlyn drummed her nails against the door. "Jason."
"Don't call me that. I'm not talking to you anymore."
She scratched at the wood. "I'll put on that cat costume."
He stayed silent.
"And... scratch your... uh, post."
He made a noise, disgruntled.
"And meow when you pet me—"
"Kaitlyn, don't you dare!"
She sighed dramatically. "I wonder if Jericho would like—"
The door swung open suddenly and she flew into the room, stumbling over her feet. "Jesus, Jay, give me a little—"
"Don't you ever!" He grabbed her arm. "Don't you ever let Chris see you in that costume. I made you that costume. I spent hours sewing the tail, the ears, the whiskers. Do you know how many times I sewed my sleeve to it? I ruined three plaid button downs! Three, Kaitlyn!"
"So you forgive me?"
"I—No, I don't forgive you!" He turned quickly, then back to her again, hands on his hips. "If it's Jericho you want, then go."
"I want both of you."
"Well you can't have both of us! You—" He paused.
Kaitlyn glanced at his hair. "Are you wearing cat ears?"
"Shush!" He tapped his lips, eyes falling onto her. "I think I know how to settle this."
"Are you wearing cat ears?"
"That's not important!" Jay propped up the scoreboard beside his pool. "Get Chris out here, the Kaitathlon is starting."
Adam just watched Jay for a few moments, looking down to dig into his box of popcorn. "Why don't you just get rid of the restored art and call it a day?"
"Because she thinks that Chris is a better candidate than I am!"
"Chris likes men."
"That's what I said!"
Adam shrugged nonchalantly. "Just get her drunk and then bang her."
"I tried that."
"Get her drunk, not you. You just steal people's lawn chairs and make cat beds out of doormats."
"Enough! Go sit down." Jay glared at Adam's retreating back, then at the house. "Where's Chris?"
Randy came through the screen door. "Plowing Kait in your bathroom."
"Randy Orton, you better be joking!"
Mack followed him. "He's not."
"MacKenzie, you get out of my face." Jay sighed, running his hands down his cheeks. "Where's Ted and Sunny? Ted's supposed to be the ref!"
Randy frowned. "Why can't I be the ref?"
"Because Jericho gets excited when he sees you in stripes."
Mack snorted. "Jericho gets excited when he sees Randy, period."
Jay slapped his hands together. "So, why does Kaitlyn want him over me?"
"She doesn't. She wants you both equally."
"Well, that's not an option."
Mack glanced between Randy and Adam sitting side-by-side by the pool. "Hmm."
Adam looked up at her. "What?"
"Front row seats or fat row seats?"
"Front row." Randy pulled her down. "It's got a better view."
"I agree!" Mack frowned at Adam, putting her feet on his lap. "There. Now you both have me."
Randy looked at Jay. "See? It works out."
"Don't think that helps her case." Jay turned toward the door, watching Jericho follow Ted closely outside, practically drooling onto his uniformed shoulder. "Are you fucking ready, Jericho?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." Chris looked Ted up and down. "Don't you need to frisk me first?"
"Hey!" Sunny smacked the back of his blond head. "Hands off."
"I didn't say he had to use his hands—"
"In the pool, Chris! It's go time! You and me!" Jay ripped his shirt completely off his body, cat ears thrown into the bushes. He knocked over a patio chair and back flipped into the pool.
Chris blinked. "That was impressive."
Jay flicked the water away from his hair. "Reflexes like a mother fuckin' cat! Let's do this!"
Chris's eyes went down to Ted's red trunks covered behind. "Let us do this indeed."
"Get in the pool, Chris." Ted pushed him, whistle hanging from his mouth. "When I blow the whistle, start beating the shit out of each other with those water noodles. First one to bleed or... drown wins."
"I'd like to beat the shit out of your noodle—"
"Just get in the pool, Chris."
The sun was just about set when they came to their final contest. So far, it was neck and neck. Jay was almost impressed with Chris's drive to win Kaitlyn's love.
But he was determined to get her back, no matter what it took.
"All right." Ted came up, handing a bottle to Chris. "Jay's time is a minute-thirty. If you can beat the clock, Kaitlyn's yours. But if you fail and she bolts… it was never meant to be."
"Party on, Theo!"
Ted half-smiled at Kaitlyn, then back at Chris. "Do you think you can do it?"
"Do I think I can do it? I know I can do it!" Jericho dropped down and tried to do push-ups, but he slipped on the wet grass, face-planting the ground. "Ouch! I think I tore my pectoral muscle."
"That's not funny!" Adam called from the fort he and Mack had made out of the superfluous amount of patio furniture Jay had lying around.
Jay came up in a red sweat suit, towel around his neck. "You think you can do this? You think you can do this?"
Chris nodded. "Yeah. I think I can."
"Yeah, well... I'd like to see you try."
Ted blew the whistle. "Lubers, to your marks!"
Jericho waited anxiously with his bottle, but his eyes completely glazed over when Randy came out in wrestling gear, heading straight for him.
Randy glared. "Your hands go below the waistband I'm breaking your teeth in."
Chris blinked. "Is that a promise?"
Chris blasted Randy's chest with baby oil, tossing it to the ground as his hands began to massage and grasp and caress. Randy stood, looking bored, eyes to the sky as Jericho hurried around him, running his hands along Randy's thick muscles, down over his back...
Ted snapped his fingers. "Watch your hands, Jericho!"
"I'm not touching anything. Yet."
Jericho became even more frantic, rubbing his hands all over Randy's shoulders, massaging the oil into his fingers, between his knees, all the way down to his ankles.
"My, you have tiny calves!"
Chris licked his lips. "Though I'm sure that's… the only thing on you that's tiny."
"I'm not gonna disagree with you there."
Chris glanced up, on his knees, rubbing the oil into his hamstrings. "Oh yeah?"
Chris pursed his lips, feeling his fingers slide farther up… and up…
Ted blew the whistle hard. "Disqualified! Illegal breaking and entering!"
Sunny covered her face. "Oh, God, do you have to put it like that?"
"Jericho's putting it like that—"
"What? He is! Jericho, step away from the thighs!"
"HA!" Jay came somersaulting into the mess, throwing his towel at Chris's face. "I win, bitch! Kaitlyn's mine forever!"
Kaitlyn smiled slightly, coming up to him. "Well, you won me fair and square."
Jay kissed her forehead. "I promise to never put the cats before you ever again. And I also promise that I will throw out all the restored artwork in my office, and that ugly pot… holder thing—"
Kaitlyn pressed her finger to his lips. "Jay. You don't have to do any of that."
Everything around them slowly melted away. Ted hauled Chris's roaming hands away from Randy, Mack and Adam disappeared into their fort, and Randy accepted Sunny's offer to clean him off.
All Jay had was Kaitlyn.
And that's all he needed.
"I don't have to do any of that?"
Kaitlyn smiled. "Of course not."
He hugged her tightly. "Oh, Kaitlyn, I love you!"
"I love you, too. But you do have to do one thing."
"Hand me my cigarettes, will you, lover? They're in my purse."
A/N: I really probably shouldn't end it with an inside/movie joke, but… I couldn't help it. Three cheers (and reviews) for one of my weirdest one shots to date! Review.